[2009/11/04 12:09] Pirate Russell: Ok, please take all cross talk to IM, and all collar, etc commands to the secondary channels!
[2009/11/04 12:09] Pirate Russell: Welcome to House of V's College of Kink! As most of y'all know, My name is Pirate Russell, Head Mistress of the College, and today's instructor.
[2009/11/04 12:09] Pirate Russell: I have been in SL for 4 years and I've been a lesbian Domme, the entire time.
[2009/11/04 12:09] ***LL*** wonders where the goat is that is getting raped
[2009/11/04 12:09] Pirate Russell: Today's subject is Exhibitionism and Voyeurism
[2009/11/04 12:09] Pirate Russell: EXHIBITIONISM
[2009/11/04 12:09] Pirate Russell: The classical definition of Exhibitionism, known variously as flashing, apodysophilia and Lady Godiva syndrome, is the psychological need and pattern of behavior
[2009/11/04 12:09] Pirate Russell: involving the exposure of parts of the body to another person with a tendency toward an extravagant, usually at least partially sexually inspired behavior
[2009/11/04 12:10] Pirate Russell: to attract the attention of another in an open display of bare "private parts" — i.e., parts of the human body which would otherwise be left covered under clothing in nearly all other cultural circumstances
[2009/11/04 12:10] Pirate Russell: such as ***AT***, here
[2009/11/04 12:10] Pirate Russell: Although neither a valid nor a reliable study, one research team asked a sample of 185 exhibitionists,
[2009/11/04 12:11] Pirate Russell: “How would you have preferred a person to react if you were to expose your privates to him or her?”
[2009/11/04 12:11] ***LL*** would like a copy of that list
[2009/11/04 12:11] Pirate Russell: The most common response was “Would want to have sexual intercourse” (35.1%)
[2009/11/04 12:11] Pirate Russell: "No reaction necessary at all” (19.5%)
[2009/11/04 12:11] Pirate Russell: “To show their privates also” (15.1%)
[2009/11/04 12:11] Pirate Russell: “Admiration” (14.1%)
[2009/11/04 12:11] Pirate Russell: “Any reaction” (11.9%)
[2009/11/04 12:11] Pirate Russell: “Anger and disgust” (3.8%)
[2009/11/04 12:11] Pirate Russell: “Fear” (0.5)
[2009/11/04 12:11] Pirate Russell: Various types of behavior is classified as exhibitionistic. These include:
[2009/11/04 12:12] Pirate Russell: * Flashing is the display by a woman of bare breasts with an up-and-down lifting of the shirt and/or bra, or the display by a man of his bare penis.
[2009/11/04 12:12] Pirate Russell: * Mooning is the display of one's bare buttocks — both in a sexual, exhibitionistic context (almost always by females) and also when done (usually by men) for shock value. In Australia and New Zealand this is sometimes known as a browneye.
[2009/11/04 12:12] ***LL***: omg
[2009/11/04 12:12] Pirate Russell: * Anasyrma is lifting up of one's skirt to expose bare genitals, for varied reasons, but most often to please the exhibitionist.
[2009/11/04 12:13] Pirate Russell: Classically, the part(s) of the body exposed when referring to "flashing" are bare female breasts and/or buttocks. In reality, however, flashing and exhibitionism more often involve the genitalia or buttocks of either gender.
[2009/11/04 12:13] Pirate Russell: Again, as demonstrated by ***AT***... he he
[2009/11/04 12:14] Pirate Russell: A "male flasher" stands in stark comparison to this definition as the latter usually refers to a male indecently exposing his penis to an unwilling observer.
[2009/11/04 12:14] ***TC***: ㋡
[2009/11/04 12:14] Pirate Russell: Women typically do not suffer such societal sanctions and are usually encouraged, even heavily paid, to engage in such behavior.
[2009/11/04 12:14] ***LL***: that's fair :)
[2009/11/04 12:14] Pirate Russell: Again, the classical and rigid concept paints with a broad brush and states, "Flashing is done as a momentary "thrill" to inflate the ego of the flasher while having the 'added bonus' of increasing the sexual arousal of the recipient(s)."
[2009/11/04 12:14] Pirate Russell: These stereotypical thought patterns include unproved beliefs that exhibitionists who view exhibitionism as a lifestyle as opposed to a rare thrill,
[2009/11/04 12:15] Pirate Russell: however, more carefully select their target audience and make the exposure brief, inconspicuous and apparently unintentional.
[2009/11/04 12:15] Pirate Russell: Some researchers invalidly postulate that all exhibitionism is, whether on the end of the giver or the receiver, ultimately a sexual fetish, many practitioners see it as an art form.
[2009/11/04 12:15] Pirate Russell: Far less criticized are night clubs and goth bars that encourage mild exhibitionism to enhance the venue's atmosphere. This all contrasts with non-sexualized social nudity, in which the exposure is not connected with sexual expression,
[2009/11/04 12:16] Pirate Russell: such as sunbathing or swimming at nude beaches or other participation in public nudity events where nudity is the norm. In short, the classical view of exhibitionism misses the mark by a wider margin than erroneous scientific claims about homosexuality.
[2009/11/04 12:16] Pirate Russell: Accordingly, points must be made that define the differences between rational and irrational exhibitionism.
[2009/11/04 12:16] Pirate Russell: *Rational exhibitionists display themselves sexually to other people, singly or in groups, in appropriate settings. This can be done consensually as part of swinging or group sex.
[2009/11/04 12:17] Pirate Russell: When not done threateningly, the intent is usually to please and sexually arouse the viewer, giving the recipient an erotic rush.
[2009/11/04 12:17] Pirate Russell: *Irrational exhibitionists like to expose themselves in front of large crowds, typically at sporting events, streaking, or even teaching a class.
[2009/11/04 12:17] Pirate Russell pats ***AT*** on the head
[2009/11/04 12:17] ***LL*** zooms in on ***AT***'s Anasyrma
[2009/11/04 12:17] Pirate Russell: A similar irrational phenomenon is when, at the conclusion of a sporting event, a woman may flash her breasts while sitting atop someone's shoulders in a dense crowd of people.
[2009/11/04 12:18] Pirate Russell: Rational and irrational exhibitionists like to use the internet to distribute their stories and pictures on websites, sometimes using webcam feeds and other amateur methods.
[2009/11/04 12:18] Pirate Russell: ::lushes and has done both.....
[2009/11/04 12:18] Pirate Russell: Blushes
[2009/11/04 12:18] Pirate Russell: As a major distinction, irrational exhibitionists attempt to sexually arouse the recipient by giving the impression that the exposure is "first time" and/or "innocent."
[2009/11/04 12:19] Pirate Russell: Rational exhibitionists, instead, require an invitation from the recipient.
[2009/11/04 12:19] ***TC*** giggles
[2009/11/04 12:19] ***LL*** is irrational ...sigh...
[2009/11/04 12:19] Pirate Russell: Irrational exhibitionists typically lack this type of self control.
[2009/11/04 12:19] ***AJ***: :-)
[2009/11/04 12:20] Pirate Russell: Feel free to be 'as irrational' as ***AT***, here! ;-)
[2009/11/04 12:20] Pirate Russell: Exhibitionistic behavior does not necessarily imply alterations of the psychiatric condition of the average, everyday individual, unless the individual does such actions compulsively
[2009/11/04 12:20] ***LL***: oh, i am too innocent for that Miss :D
[2009/11/04 12:20] ***TC***: im not
[2009/11/04 12:20] Pirate Russell rolls Her eyes, and continues
[2009/11/04 12:20] Pirate Russell: in an effort to grab the attention s/he feels entitled to yet does not get in other aspects of life
[2009/11/04 12:20] ***LL*** bites her cheek
[2009/11/04 12:20] Pirate Russell: In psychiatry, exhibitionism is only considered a paraphilia once the practice begins to interfere with the quality of life or normal functioning capacity of the individual.
[2009/11/04 12:20] ***TC*** flashes Miss Pirate her furry breasts
[2009/11/04 12:21] Pirate Russell: yay, for cheetah breasts!
[2009/11/04 12:21] Pirate Russell: However, if the exposing individual shows an aggressive or criminal behavior, that is indecent exposure and is a separate phenomenon from exhibitionism and flashing.
[2009/11/04 12:21] Pirate Russell: VOYEURISM
[2009/11/04 12:21] Pirate Russell: Voyeurism is the sexual interest in spying on people engaged in intimate behaviors, such as undressing, sexual activity, or urinating.
[2009/11/04 12:21] Pirate Russell: In some cultures, voyeurism is considered to be deviant and even a sex crime. In the United Kingdom, non-consensual voyeurism became a criminal offense.
[2009/11/04 12:22] Pirate Russell: However, some societies tolerate it depending upon the circumstances (e.g., adolescent "Peeping Toms" and the UK dogging craze). The stereotypical voyeur is male, although many women also enjoy being voyeurs.
[2009/11/04 12:22] ***TC*** whispers: like Miss Pirate was doing to me yesterday giggles
[2009/11/04 12:23] Pirate Russell: Exactly
[2009/11/04 12:23] ***AJ***: Dogging craze?
[2009/11/04 12:23] Pirate Russell: In the United States, video voyeurism is criminalized in nine states. The original case responsible for the criminalization has been made into a television movie called Video Voyeur and documents the criminalization of secret photography.
[2009/11/04 12:23] Pirate Russell: Criminal voyeurism statutes are related to invasion of privacy laws but are specific to unlawful surreptitious surveillance without consent and unlawful recordings
[2009/11/04 12:23] MystiTool HUD 1.3.1: Entering chat range: Darby Bradley (19m)
[2009/11/04 12:24] Pirate Russell: including the broadcast, dissemination, publication, or selling of recordings involving places and times when a person has a reasonable expectation of privacy and a reasonable supposition that he or she is not being photographed
[2009/11/04 12:24] Pirate Russell: or filmed by "any mechanical, digital or electronic viewing device, camera or any other instrument capable of recording, storing or transmitting visual images that can be utilized to observe a person."
[2009/11/04 12:24] Pirate Russell: While some think Voyeurism is a crime, or a perversion, some of us think it's just fun!
[2009/11/04 12:24] MystiTool HUD 1.3.1: Entering chat range: Manxmanin Blindside (19m)
[2009/11/04 12:25] Pirate Russell: Quesitons, Comments?
[2009/11/04 12:25] ***TC***: none yet Miss
[2009/11/04 12:25] Pirate Russell: Trancripts are again going to the blog at http://collegeofkink.blogspot.com
[2009/11/04 12:25] Pirate Russell: College of Kink classes Monday, Tuesday & Thursday @ 7a, and Friday 1p.
[2009/11/04 12:25] Pirate Russell: WRONG
[2009/11/04 12:25] Pirate Russell: Wed/Thur at noon
[2009/11/04 12:25] Pirate Russell: Y/you would always check the Search/Events and look for the word College
[2009/11/04 12:25] Pirate Russell: [ you have reached the end of the current notecard - resetting to first line... ]
[2009/11/04 12:26] ***TC***: giggles at Miss Pirate argueing with herself
[2009/11/04 12:27] ***LL***: lrelease
[2009/11/04 12:27] ***LL***: pardon...i have to help a client
[2009/11/04 12:27] ***TC***: not really Miss
[2009/11/04 12:28] ***TC***: *GIGGLES* :)~~~~
[2009/11/04 12:28] Pirate Russell: So, no questions??
[2009/11/04 12:28] Pirate Russell: No comments?!
[2009/11/04 12:28] ***KM***: Thank you very much for your presentation
[2009/11/04 12:29] BarbaraAnn Stromfield: Yes, thank you
[2009/11/04 12:29] ***TT***: Thank you Pirate and ***AT*** for the information
[2009/11/04 12:29] ***AJ***: ty
[2009/11/04 12:29] Pirate Russell: No more exhibitionists, that I can Voyeur?
[2009/11/04 12:29] Ele Andretti: Thank you
[2009/11/04 12:30] Pirate Russell: Well, Class dismissed, then!
[2009/11/04 12:30] ***TC***: ok
[2009/11/04 12:30] Pirate Russell: Thanks y'all for coming!
[2009/11/04 12:30] ***KM***: Your girl was quite an excellent display
[2009/11/04 12:30] ***TT***: you're welcome
[2009/11/04 12:30] ***TC***: i didnt cum yet Miss * ★ * LoOoL * ★ *
[2009/11/04 12:30] Pirate Russell: Sadly, she's not Mine, but yes, she is a cumly one!
[2009/11/04 12:31] Pirate Russell: ***AT***, I'll see you for office hours!
[2009/11/04 12:31] ***AJ***: (groan)
[2009/11/04 12:31] ***AT*** blushes
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Exhibiionism & Voyeurism - 10/29/09
[2009/10/29 12:05] Pirate Russell: Ok, please take all cross talk to IM, and all collar, etc commands to the secondary channels!
[2009/10/29 12:05] Pirate Russell: Welcome to House of V's College of Kink! As most of y'all know, My name is Pirate Russell, Head Mistress of the College, and today's instructor.
[2009/10/29 12:05] Pirate Russell: I have been in SL for 4 years and I've been a lesbian Domme, the entire time.
[2009/10/29 12:06] Pirate Russell: Today's subject is Exhibitionism and Voyeurism
[2009/10/29 12:06] Pirate Russell: EXHIBITIONISM
[2009/10/29 12:06] Pirate Russell: The classical definition of Exhibitionism, known variously as flashing, apodysophilia and Lady Godiva syndrome, is the psychological need and pattern of behavior
[2009/10/29 12:06] Pirate Russell: involving the exposure of parts of the body to another person with a tendency toward an extravagant, usually at least partially sexually inspired behavior
[2009/10/29 12:06] Pirate Russell: to attract the attention of another in an open display of bare "private parts" — i.e., parts of the human body which would otherwise be left covered under clothing in nearly all other cultural circumstances
[2009/10/29 12:07] Pirate Russell: Although neither a valid nor a reliable study, one research team asked a sample of 185 exhibitionists,
[2009/10/29 12:07] Pirate Russell: "How would you have preferred a person to react if you were to expose your privates to him or her?"
[2009/10/29 12:07] Pirate Russell: The most common response was "Would want to have sexual intercourse" (35.1%)
[2009/10/29 12:07] Pirate Russell: "No reaction necessary at all" (19.5%)
[2009/10/29 12:08] Pirate Russell: "To show their privates also" (15.1%)
[2009/10/29 12:08] Pirate Russell: "Admiration" (14.1%)
[2009/10/29 12:08] Pirate Russell: "Any reaction" (11.9%)
[2009/10/29 12:08] Pirate Russell: "Anger and disgust" (3.8%)
[2009/10/29 12:08] Pirate Russell: "Fear" (0.5)
[2009/10/29 12:08] Pirate Russell: Various types of behavior is classified as exhibitionistic. These include:
[2009/10/29 12:08] Pirate Russell: * Flashing is the display by a woman of bare breasts with an up-and-down lifting of the shirt and/or bra, or the display by a man of his bare penis.
[2009/10/29 12:08] Pirate Russell: * Mooning is the display of one's bare buttocks — both in a sexual, exhibitionistic context (almost always by females) and also when done (usually by men) for shock value. In Australia and New Zealand this is sometimes known as a browneye.
[2009/10/29 12:09] Pirate Russell: * Anasyrma is lifting up of one's skirt to expose bare genitals, for varied reasons, but most often to please the exhibitionist.
[2009/10/29 12:09] Pirate Russell: Classically, the part(s) of the body exposed when referring to "flashing" are bare female breasts and/or buttocks. In reality, however, flashing and exhibitionism more often involve the genitalia or buttocks of either gender.
[2009/10/29 12:10] Pirate Russell: A "male flasher" stands in stark comparison to this definition as the latter usually refers to a male indecently exposing his penis to an unwilling observer.
[2009/10/29 12:10] Pirate Russell: Women typically do not suffer such societal sanctions and are usually encouraged, even heavily paid, to engage in such behavior.
[2009/10/29 12:10] Pirate Russell: Again, the classical and rigid concept paints with a broad brush and states, "Flashing is done as a momentary "thrill" to inflate the ego of the flasher while having the 'added bonus' of increasing the sexual arousal of the recipient(s)."
[2009/10/29 12:10] Pirate Russell: These stereotypical thought patterns include unproved beliefs that exhibitionists who view exhibitionism as a lifestyle as opposed to a rare thrill,
[2009/10/29 12:11] Pirate Russell: however, more carefully select their target audience and make the exposure brief, inconspicuous and apparently unintentional.
[2009/10/29 12:11] Pirate Russell: Some researchers invalidly postulate that all exhibitionism is, whether on the end of the giver or the receiver, ultimately a sexual fetish, many practitioners see it as an art form.
[2009/10/29 12:11] Pirate Russell: Far less criticized are night clubs and goth bars that encourage mild exhibitionism to enhance the venue's atmosphere. This all contrasts with non-sexualized social nudity, in which the exposure is not connected with sexual expression,
[2009/10/29 12:12] Pirate Russell: such as sunbathing or swimming at nude beaches or other participation in public nudity events where nudity is the norm. In short, the classical view of exhibitionism misses the mark by a wider margin than erroneous scientific claims about homosexuality.
[2009/10/29 12:12] Pirate Russell: Accordingly, points must be made that define the differences between rational and irrational exhibitionism.
[2009/10/29 12:12] Pirate Russell: *Rational exhibitionists display themselves sexually to other people, singly or in groups, in appropriate settings. This can be done consensually as part of swinging or group sex.
[2009/10/29 12:12] Pirate Russell: When not done threateningly, the intent is usually to please and sexually arouse the viewer, giving the recipient an erotic rush.
[2009/10/29 12:13] Pirate Russell: *Irrational exhibitionists like to expose themselves in front of large crowds, typically at sporting events, streaking, or even teaching a class.
[2009/10/29 12:13] Pirate Russell: A similar irrational phenomenon is when, at the conclusion of a sporting event, a woman may flash her breasts while sitting atop someone's shoulders in a dense crowd of people.
[2009/10/29 12:13] Pirate Russell: Rational and irrational exhibitionists like to use the internet to distribute their stories and pictures on websites, sometimes using webcam feeds and other amateur methods.
[2009/10/29 12:13] Pirate Russell: As a major distinction, irrational exhibitionists attempt to sexually arouse the recipient by giving the impression that the exposure is "first time" and/or "innocent."
[2009/10/29 12:14] Pirate Russell: Rational exhibitionists, instead, require an invitation from the recipient.
[2009/10/29 12:14] Pirate Russell: Irrational exhibitionists typically lack this type of self control.
[2009/10/29 12:14] Pirate Russell: Exhibitionistic behavior does not necessarily imply alterations of the psychiatric condition of the average, everyday individual, unless the individual does such actions compulsively
[2009/10/29 12:14] Pirate Russell: in an effort to grab the attention s/he feels entitled to yet does not get in other aspects of life
[2009/10/29 12:15] Pirate Russell: In psychiatry, exhibitionism is only considered a paraphilia once the practice begins to interfere with the quality of life or normal functioning capacity of the individual.
[2009/10/29 12:15] Pirate Russell: However, if the exposing individual shows an aggressive or criminal behavior, that is indecent exposure and is a separate phenomenon from exhibitionism and flashing.
[2009/10/29 12:15] Pirate Russell: VOYEURISM
[2009/10/29 12:15] Pirate Russell: Voyeurism is the sexual interest in spying on people engaged in intimate behaviors, such as undressing, sexual activity, or urinating.
[2009/10/29 12:16] Pirate Russell: In some cultures, voyeurism is considered to be deviant and even a sex crime. In the United Kingdom, non-consensual voyeurism became a criminal offense.
[2009/10/29 12:16] Pirate Russell: However, some societies tolerate it depending upon the circumstances (e.g., adolescent "Peeping Toms" and the UK dogging craze). The stereotypical voyeur is male, although many women also enjoy being voyeurs.
[2009/10/29 12:16] Pirate Russell: In the United States, video voyeurism is criminalized in nine states. The original case responsible for the criminalization has been made into a television movie called Video Voyeur and documents the criminalization of secret photography.
[2009/10/29 12:16] Pirate Russell: Criminal voyeurism statutes are related to invasion of privacy laws but are specific to unlawful surreptitious surveillance without consent and unlawful recordings
[2009/10/29 12:16] Pirate Russell: including the broadcast, dissemination, publication, or selling of recordings involving places and times when a person has a reasonable expectation of privacy and a reasonable supposition that he or she is not being photographed
[2009/10/29 12:17] Pirate Russell: or filmed by "any mechanical, digital or electronic viewing device, camera or any other instrument capable of recording, storing or transmitting visual images that can be utilized to observe a person."
[2009/10/29 12:17] Pirate Russell: While some think Voyeurism is a crime, or a perversion, some of us think it's just fun!
[2009/10/29 12:17] Pirate Russell: Quesitons, Comments?
[2009/10/29 12:18] ***BS***: I can't think of any
[2009/10/29 12:18] ***BS***: Do some people like both?
[2009/10/29 12:18] ***BS***: Engage in both that is?
[2009/10/29 12:18] Pirate Russell raises Her hand
[2009/10/29 12:19] Pirate Russell: I was just about to ask if there were any other exhibitionists out there, so Icould Voyeur them.. he he
[2009/10/29 12:20] ***BS***: I think I must be a bit of an exhibitionist. I like for people to look up my skirt when I cross my legs
[2009/10/29 12:20] Pirate Russell: RL, or SL?
[2009/10/29 12:20] ***BS***: haha both actually
[2009/10/29 12:20] Pirate Russell: With or without panties?
[2009/10/29 12:21] ***BS***: And for people to look down my blouse
[2009/10/29 12:21] ***BS***: Usually with panties
[2009/10/29 12:21] Pirate Russell likes to.. engenieer those situations, too, I do like to make it look like an accident, though
[2009/10/29 12:21] Pirate Russell: like at the mall, standing close to an upstairs railing
[2009/10/29 12:21] ***BS***: Yes, of course
[2009/10/29 12:22] ***zA***: sorry i have to go now
[2009/10/29 12:22] Pirate Russell is surprised she's not worn out her keys by dropping them so many times
[2009/10/29 12:22] Pirate Russell: Bye, ***zA***, thanks for coming by!
[2009/10/29 12:22] ***BS*** laughs
[2009/10/29 12:22] ***BS***: bye ***zA***
[2009/10/29 12:23] ***TC***: sorry for being late Miss
[2009/10/29 12:23] ***BS***: I have to go too. Back to RL. Thanks for the lecture. I really enjoyed it!
[2009/10/29 12:23] Pirate Russell: Ok, have a good one ***BS***
[2009/10/29 12:23] ***BS***: Thank you
[2009/10/29 12:24] Pirate Russell: He he
[2009/10/29 12:24] ***BS***: Bye now
[2009/10/29 12:24] ***BS***: Bye ***TC***
[2009/10/29 12:24] Pirate Russell: Well, for girl's punishment, she must join Me, naked!
[2009/10/29 12:24] ***TC***: bye
[2009/10/29 12:24] ***TC***: yes Miss
[2009/10/29 12:26] Pirate Russell: Well, I guess that's it for today, class dismissed!
[2009/10/29 12:05] Pirate Russell: Welcome to House of V's College of Kink! As most of y'all know, My name is Pirate Russell, Head Mistress of the College, and today's instructor.
[2009/10/29 12:05] Pirate Russell: I have been in SL for 4 years and I've been a lesbian Domme, the entire time.
[2009/10/29 12:06] Pirate Russell: Today's subject is Exhibitionism and Voyeurism
[2009/10/29 12:06] Pirate Russell: EXHIBITIONISM
[2009/10/29 12:06] Pirate Russell: The classical definition of Exhibitionism, known variously as flashing, apodysophilia and Lady Godiva syndrome, is the psychological need and pattern of behavior
[2009/10/29 12:06] Pirate Russell: involving the exposure of parts of the body to another person with a tendency toward an extravagant, usually at least partially sexually inspired behavior
[2009/10/29 12:06] Pirate Russell: to attract the attention of another in an open display of bare "private parts" — i.e., parts of the human body which would otherwise be left covered under clothing in nearly all other cultural circumstances
[2009/10/29 12:07] Pirate Russell: Although neither a valid nor a reliable study, one research team asked a sample of 185 exhibitionists,
[2009/10/29 12:07] Pirate Russell: "How would you have preferred a person to react if you were to expose your privates to him or her?"
[2009/10/29 12:07] Pirate Russell: The most common response was "Would want to have sexual intercourse" (35.1%)
[2009/10/29 12:07] Pirate Russell: "No reaction necessary at all" (19.5%)
[2009/10/29 12:08] Pirate Russell: "To show their privates also" (15.1%)
[2009/10/29 12:08] Pirate Russell: "Admiration" (14.1%)
[2009/10/29 12:08] Pirate Russell: "Any reaction" (11.9%)
[2009/10/29 12:08] Pirate Russell: "Anger and disgust" (3.8%)
[2009/10/29 12:08] Pirate Russell: "Fear" (0.5)
[2009/10/29 12:08] Pirate Russell: Various types of behavior is classified as exhibitionistic. These include:
[2009/10/29 12:08] Pirate Russell: * Flashing is the display by a woman of bare breasts with an up-and-down lifting of the shirt and/or bra, or the display by a man of his bare penis.
[2009/10/29 12:08] Pirate Russell: * Mooning is the display of one's bare buttocks — both in a sexual, exhibitionistic context (almost always by females) and also when done (usually by men) for shock value. In Australia and New Zealand this is sometimes known as a browneye.
[2009/10/29 12:09] Pirate Russell: * Anasyrma is lifting up of one's skirt to expose bare genitals, for varied reasons, but most often to please the exhibitionist.
[2009/10/29 12:09] Pirate Russell: Classically, the part(s) of the body exposed when referring to "flashing" are bare female breasts and/or buttocks. In reality, however, flashing and exhibitionism more often involve the genitalia or buttocks of either gender.
[2009/10/29 12:10] Pirate Russell: A "male flasher" stands in stark comparison to this definition as the latter usually refers to a male indecently exposing his penis to an unwilling observer.
[2009/10/29 12:10] Pirate Russell: Women typically do not suffer such societal sanctions and are usually encouraged, even heavily paid, to engage in such behavior.
[2009/10/29 12:10] Pirate Russell: Again, the classical and rigid concept paints with a broad brush and states, "Flashing is done as a momentary "thrill" to inflate the ego of the flasher while having the 'added bonus' of increasing the sexual arousal of the recipient(s)."
[2009/10/29 12:10] Pirate Russell: These stereotypical thought patterns include unproved beliefs that exhibitionists who view exhibitionism as a lifestyle as opposed to a rare thrill,
[2009/10/29 12:11] Pirate Russell: however, more carefully select their target audience and make the exposure brief, inconspicuous and apparently unintentional.
[2009/10/29 12:11] Pirate Russell: Some researchers invalidly postulate that all exhibitionism is, whether on the end of the giver or the receiver, ultimately a sexual fetish, many practitioners see it as an art form.
[2009/10/29 12:11] Pirate Russell: Far less criticized are night clubs and goth bars that encourage mild exhibitionism to enhance the venue's atmosphere. This all contrasts with non-sexualized social nudity, in which the exposure is not connected with sexual expression,
[2009/10/29 12:12] Pirate Russell: such as sunbathing or swimming at nude beaches or other participation in public nudity events where nudity is the norm. In short, the classical view of exhibitionism misses the mark by a wider margin than erroneous scientific claims about homosexuality.
[2009/10/29 12:12] Pirate Russell: Accordingly, points must be made that define the differences between rational and irrational exhibitionism.
[2009/10/29 12:12] Pirate Russell: *Rational exhibitionists display themselves sexually to other people, singly or in groups, in appropriate settings. This can be done consensually as part of swinging or group sex.
[2009/10/29 12:12] Pirate Russell: When not done threateningly, the intent is usually to please and sexually arouse the viewer, giving the recipient an erotic rush.
[2009/10/29 12:13] Pirate Russell: *Irrational exhibitionists like to expose themselves in front of large crowds, typically at sporting events, streaking, or even teaching a class.
[2009/10/29 12:13] Pirate Russell: A similar irrational phenomenon is when, at the conclusion of a sporting event, a woman may flash her breasts while sitting atop someone's shoulders in a dense crowd of people.
[2009/10/29 12:13] Pirate Russell: Rational and irrational exhibitionists like to use the internet to distribute their stories and pictures on websites, sometimes using webcam feeds and other amateur methods.
[2009/10/29 12:13] Pirate Russell: As a major distinction, irrational exhibitionists attempt to sexually arouse the recipient by giving the impression that the exposure is "first time" and/or "innocent."
[2009/10/29 12:14] Pirate Russell: Rational exhibitionists, instead, require an invitation from the recipient.
[2009/10/29 12:14] Pirate Russell: Irrational exhibitionists typically lack this type of self control.
[2009/10/29 12:14] Pirate Russell: Exhibitionistic behavior does not necessarily imply alterations of the psychiatric condition of the average, everyday individual, unless the individual does such actions compulsively
[2009/10/29 12:14] Pirate Russell: in an effort to grab the attention s/he feels entitled to yet does not get in other aspects of life
[2009/10/29 12:15] Pirate Russell: In psychiatry, exhibitionism is only considered a paraphilia once the practice begins to interfere with the quality of life or normal functioning capacity of the individual.
[2009/10/29 12:15] Pirate Russell: However, if the exposing individual shows an aggressive or criminal behavior, that is indecent exposure and is a separate phenomenon from exhibitionism and flashing.
[2009/10/29 12:15] Pirate Russell: VOYEURISM
[2009/10/29 12:15] Pirate Russell: Voyeurism is the sexual interest in spying on people engaged in intimate behaviors, such as undressing, sexual activity, or urinating.
[2009/10/29 12:16] Pirate Russell: In some cultures, voyeurism is considered to be deviant and even a sex crime. In the United Kingdom, non-consensual voyeurism became a criminal offense.
[2009/10/29 12:16] Pirate Russell: However, some societies tolerate it depending upon the circumstances (e.g., adolescent "Peeping Toms" and the UK dogging craze). The stereotypical voyeur is male, although many women also enjoy being voyeurs.
[2009/10/29 12:16] Pirate Russell: In the United States, video voyeurism is criminalized in nine states. The original case responsible for the criminalization has been made into a television movie called Video Voyeur and documents the criminalization of secret photography.
[2009/10/29 12:16] Pirate Russell: Criminal voyeurism statutes are related to invasion of privacy laws but are specific to unlawful surreptitious surveillance without consent and unlawful recordings
[2009/10/29 12:16] Pirate Russell: including the broadcast, dissemination, publication, or selling of recordings involving places and times when a person has a reasonable expectation of privacy and a reasonable supposition that he or she is not being photographed
[2009/10/29 12:17] Pirate Russell: or filmed by "any mechanical, digital or electronic viewing device, camera or any other instrument capable of recording, storing or transmitting visual images that can be utilized to observe a person."
[2009/10/29 12:17] Pirate Russell: While some think Voyeurism is a crime, or a perversion, some of us think it's just fun!
[2009/10/29 12:17] Pirate Russell: Quesitons, Comments?
[2009/10/29 12:18] ***BS***: I can't think of any
[2009/10/29 12:18] ***BS***: Do some people like both?
[2009/10/29 12:18] ***BS***: Engage in both that is?
[2009/10/29 12:18] Pirate Russell raises Her hand
[2009/10/29 12:19] Pirate Russell: I was just about to ask if there were any other exhibitionists out there, so Icould Voyeur them.. he he
[2009/10/29 12:20] ***BS***: I think I must be a bit of an exhibitionist. I like for people to look up my skirt when I cross my legs
[2009/10/29 12:20] Pirate Russell: RL, or SL?
[2009/10/29 12:20] ***BS***: haha both actually
[2009/10/29 12:20] Pirate Russell: With or without panties?
[2009/10/29 12:21] ***BS***: And for people to look down my blouse
[2009/10/29 12:21] ***BS***: Usually with panties
[2009/10/29 12:21] Pirate Russell likes to.. engenieer those situations, too, I do like to make it look like an accident, though
[2009/10/29 12:21] Pirate Russell: like at the mall, standing close to an upstairs railing
[2009/10/29 12:21] ***BS***: Yes, of course
[2009/10/29 12:22] ***zA***: sorry i have to go now
[2009/10/29 12:22] Pirate Russell is surprised she's not worn out her keys by dropping them so many times
[2009/10/29 12:22] Pirate Russell: Bye, ***zA***, thanks for coming by!
[2009/10/29 12:22] ***BS*** laughs
[2009/10/29 12:22] ***BS***: bye ***zA***
[2009/10/29 12:23] ***TC***: sorry for being late Miss
[2009/10/29 12:23] ***BS***: I have to go too. Back to RL. Thanks for the lecture. I really enjoyed it!
[2009/10/29 12:23] Pirate Russell: Ok, have a good one ***BS***
[2009/10/29 12:23] ***BS***: Thank you
[2009/10/29 12:24] Pirate Russell: He he
[2009/10/29 12:24] ***BS***: Bye now
[2009/10/29 12:24] ***BS***: Bye ***TC***
[2009/10/29 12:24] Pirate Russell: Well, for girl's punishment, she must join Me, naked!
[2009/10/29 12:24] ***TC***: bye
[2009/10/29 12:24] ***TC***: yes Miss
[2009/10/29 12:26] Pirate Russell: Well, I guess that's it for today, class dismissed!
Why Don't they Log on Anymore - 10/28/09
[2009/10/28 11:09] Pirate Russell: Please take all cross talk to IM, and all collar, etc commands to the secondary channels!
[2009/10/28 11:09] Pirate Russell: Welcome to House of V's College of Kink! As most of y'all know, My name is Pirate Russell, Head Mistress of the College, and today's instructor. I have been in SL for 4 years, a lesbian Domme, the entire time.
[2009/10/28 11:09] Pirate Russell: If any need to leave early, the transcript for this, and all other classes can be found at http://collegeofkink.blogspot.com.
[2009/10/28 11:10] Pirate Russell: Our topic today, "Alone: Why don't they log on anymore?".
[2009/10/28 11:10] Pirate Russell: alone by ~Hoeg on deviantART ( http://bdsmforbeginners.blogspot.com/search/label/Cyber%20Kink%20Issues )
[2009/10/28 11:10] Pirate Russell: "She's been my Mistress for 9 months.Now our blog's gone and She's not responding to email"
[2009/10/28 11:10] Pirate Russell: "We were about to collar her and she vanished without a word"
[2009/10/28 11:10] Pirate Russell: "I don't think I'm going to get to see Her again for a long while...if ever.
[2009/10/28 11:10] Pirate Russell: *She's deleted Her yahoo account. "
[2009/10/28 11:10] Pirate Russell: "How long do I wait? I can't seem to move forward"
[2009/10/28 11:11] Pirate Russell: One day you are happy, playing with your online BDSM play partner, chatting about inconsequential things and planning your next time together.
[2009/10/28 11:11] Pirate Russell: The next day, without warning, your world falls apart. Your partner fails to turn up online. They don't respond to your attempts to contact them. Their email address bounces.
[2009/10/28 11:11] Pirate Russell: Yep
[2009/10/28 11:11] Pirate Russell: Their profile vanishes from the sites you both belong to. No one in your online community has heard from them. You panic: are they ill? Hurt? Dead in a car crash? How will you ever know?
[2009/10/28 11:12] Pirate Russell: You suddenly realize you have no way to find them. You search through every IM conversation record for facts about their real life - anything that might lead you to them...
[2009/10/28 11:12] Pirate Russell: Days pass. Weeks. You go from feeling concern to blaming yourself: you must have been a bad sub or Dom/me. You drove them away. Its all your fault. You must have said something wrong (but what??).
[2009/10/28 11:12] Pirate Russell: Then your mood switches to frustration and anger: how dare they do this? How could they? They said they cared. You were friends. More than friends. They knew you better than anyone. Then you feel despair: you feel betrayed.
[2009/10/28 11:13] Pirate Russell: How long must you wait? WHERE ARE THEY???? Then you just feel numb.
[2009/10/28 11:13] Pirate Russell: Sometimes they never come back. Sometimes they do. That can be worse.
[2009/10/28 11:13] Pirate Russell: Welcome to the world of online loss.
[2009/10/28 11:14] Pirate Russell: It's a remarkably common experience - most of us with online play partners (whether for online sex, dating, BDSM or even on games like Second Life) will unfortunately encounter it in some form.
[2009/10/28 11:14] Pirate Russell: Equally unfortunately there's very little written about it, but it's an experience you don't want to go through alone.
[2009/10/28 11:14] Pirate Russell: This BDSM For Beginners post will hopefully provide you with some ways to understand it, cope with it and hopefully in future avoid it.
[2009/10/28 11:14] Pirate Russell: I. WHY DO PEOPLE DISAPPEAR ONLINE?
[2009/10/28 11:15] Pirate Russell: It's impossible to speak for individuals, but we can draw some general observations about why / when people disappear:
[2009/10/28 11:15] Pirate Russell: Disappearing at the end of a relationship:
[2009/10/28 11:15] Pirate Russell: In this case your partner vanishes after an argument, or things go wrong. They may cut off all contact and make public statements like deleting their blogs or profiles.
[2009/10/28 11:15] Pirate Russell: In these cases you have some warning that things are going wrong, so while the whole experience is upsetting (as is the end of any relationship, whether kinky or vanilla, or real time or online) at least you have an understanding of why it occurred.
[2009/10/28 11:16] Pirate Russell: Many people are sincere in wanting to dismantle the online persona they utilized with you, at the end of a relationships.
[2009/10/28 11:16] Pirate Russell: However be aware that others use the threat of vanishing as a nasty means to control their partner, when an online relationship is in trouble.
[2009/10/28 11:16] Pirate Russell: In these cases they may not entirely delete their profile but might delete their friends list, etc and leave a statement claiming they no longer use the site (this always looks very silly when you can see elsewhere on their page that they are online).
[2009/10/28 11:17] Pirate Russell: If your partner turns out to be playing this sort of game, while there is certainly hope you might get back together (or else why would they still be around)
[2009/10/28 11:17] Pirate Russell: it might be time to have a good hard think about whether you really want to continue in a relationship with someone who plays around with your mind and heart in such a manner.
[2009/10/28 11:17] Pirate Russell: II.DISSAPPEARING BECAUSE OF REAL LIFE ISSUES:
[2009/10/28 11:17] Pirate Russell: In these circumstances, you may or may not get warning, depending how close you are to your online partner and how much they discuss their real life with you. If they do, then you will be aware of whatever crisis they are facing.
[2009/10/28 11:17] Pirate Russell: If not, they leave an email or IM message for you, saying that they have a problem and need some time offline. It may not provide all the information you want but at least such a message means you know where they are,
[2009/10/28 11:18] Pirate Russell: and that your online relationship will hopefully be able to resume when their situation is improved. They may of course also leave a message that says their problem is ongoing (such as trying to fix a marriage) and they won't be back.
[2009/10/28 11:18] Pirate Russell: Disappearing for a while due to online fatigue:
[2009/10/28 11:18] Pirate Russell: Sometimes people just need to take a break for a while. They may leave a message. Other times there is no warning, although looking back you will probably recognize your partner was under stress.
[2009/10/28 11:18] Pirate Russell: They don't delete anything online, they just don't seem to come online anymore and become impossible to contact.
[2009/10/28 11:19] Pirate Russell: I'm guilty of this myself. I call it Mistress Fatigue - a desperate need to have a break from your online persona for a while. I always come back. But I just need some space. If you seem to be encountering this kind of disappearance,
[2009/10/28 11:19] Pirate Russell: there is one magic word that solves the problem: patience. Trust your partner. They will be back, and they will appreciate the patience and consideration you have shown.
[2009/10/28 11:19] Pirate Russell: III. DISAPEARING WITHOUT WARNING:
[2009/10/28 11:19] Pirate Russell: This is the scenario I outlined at the beginning of this post. You get no warning at all: they are simply gone. The worst scenario going through your head - that they may have died - is unlikely
[2009/10/28 11:19] Pirate Russell: (although I know one sub who did lose a great friend and Mistress this way, when she died unexpectedly). They may be in hospital, or have close relatives in hospital, and be unable to get online.
[2009/10/28 11:20] Pirate Russell: Their computer may have broken down. They may have forgotten to pay their wireless bill. Or gone on an unexpected business trip.
[2009/10/28 11:20] Pirate Russell: All these reasons work well in the short term, but they don't work after a week or so. Nor do they offer comfort if your partner has deleted their online personas.
[2009/10/28 11:20] Pirate Russell: At some point you may just have to face up (as I once did) to the cold hard fact that someone you care about simply does not care enough about you to get in touch and explain their actions.
[2009/10/28 11:20] Pirate Russell: Although nothing has been specifically written about BDSM online relationship disappearances, you can find responses (such as B Z on datingdame.com) documenting reasons for vanishing during online dating:
[2009/10/28 11:21] Pirate Russell: "When I mysteriously disappear online, it usually means I am afraid of rejection.
[2009/10/28 11:21] Pirate Russell: I am afraid of the person saying, "Hurrumph, she said she was not fat". I am afraid of becoming all nervous and silly and making a fool of myself by saying the wrong things. And if I do manage to overcome these worries, I have the secondary fear of reject
[2009/10/28 11:21] Pirate Russell: If the person is, in real life, dull or bad-tempered, I don't want to have gotten all excited about a date only to have to turn down their request for another one."
[2009/10/28 11:22] Pirate Russell: But these reasons don't seem to apply to online only BDSM relationships, unless your partner vanished just before you arranged to meet.
[2009/10/28 11:22] Pirate Russell: You may find some hint in your relationship's history (I was told much later that my gone-without-warning sub did not want to tell me she was moving to a real time dominant).
[2009/10/28 11:22] Pirate Russell: But let's be honest, you may never hear why. Perhaps the only "why" we will ever know is one Dragon Lord touches on indirectly in The Views From The Dragon's Lair: Dealing With Running:
[2009/10/28 11:22] Pirate Russell: "Ever notice how many people are running everyday? Running here and there, running to their jobs, running to their homes, running to make money, running from debt, running from so many things: pain, love, commitment, the past, the future.
[2009/10/28 11:23] Pirate Russell: Sometimes I wonder if they really know what they are running from. In this life from a Dominant's perspective we see a lot of this running, we encounter it constantly ....
[2009/10/28 11:23] Pirate Russell: "[Some people even run] from their goals. Once they realized that you were not the other person, that you were true to your word, then they became scared of the commitment that will incur their desires coming true. .....
[2009/10/28 11:23] Pirate Russell: There are so many different reasons that people run: i.e. the fear of not being needed, the fear of disappointing, the fear of having disappointed, and the fear of rejection, of acceptance, of success and of failure".
[2009/10/28 11:23] Pirate Russell: IV. WHAT DO YOU FEEL WHEN THIS HAPPENS?
[2009/10/28 11:24] Pirate Russell: Well, obviously you feel like shit. I grieved for months. Another friend who is currently experiencing this recently wrote:
[2009/10/28 11:24] Pirate Russell: "I understand real life comes first. There have been times where I've walked away for one reason or another. I've hurt people in the past, never intentionally but it has happened and I still regret it ...
[2009/10/28 11:24] Pirate Russell: Understanding doesn't make it any easier though ... [I'm] feeling abandoned, confused, lost ... just wishing to have one last conversation to talk things over. There are no hard feelings, just things left unsaid and questions left unanswered ... ".
[2009/10/28 11:24] Pirate Russell: I felt exactly the same. He also faces the same terrible double bind - the uncertainty of whether to move on or to wait: "If She does come back soon, I don't want it to appear that I have been disloyal, or unfaithful.
[2009/10/28 11:25] Pirate Russell: But what if She doesn't come back?". People in other areas on online life face the same issues, such as Carly, who experienced the disappearance of her marriage partner on Second Life:
[2009/10/28 11:25] Pirate Russell: "I don't know what to do. I'm normally a pretty aggressive, take charge kind of woman, but right now I feel so pathetic. How long do I wait to move on? A month? Two? Three? I don't know how long I can stand to feel like this.
[2009/10/28 11:25] Pirate Russell: I went from having it all to having nothing but ashes. I don't want another girl, I want the one I had..."
[2009/10/28 11:26] Pirate Russell: But on the other hand, you have to start to think of your own needs, as my friend did:
[2009/10/28 11:26] Pirate Russell: "Will She be back? How long will it take? How long should I wait? That last [question] is kind of a big one for me. I use my time online to express myself, to satisfy that submissive itch that I have, that cannot be ignored.
[2009/10/28 11:26] Pirate Russell: If it goes too long without being scratched I find myself depressed, irritable, and just not myself".
[2009/10/28 11:26] Pirate Russell: This brings us to the next question: your survival.
[2009/10/28 11:27] Pirate Russell: V. HOW DO I COPE, IN PRACTICAL TERMS?
[2009/10/28 11:27] Pirate Russell: Firstly, and most importantly BY NOT BLAMING YOURSELF.
[2009/10/28 11:27] Pirate Russell: The fact your play partner has vanished IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You are not a bad sub or a bad Dom/me. You did not fail. You did not drive them away. Their disappearance is about their issues, not yours.
[2009/10/28 11:27] Pirate Russell: Secondly, treat yourself gently. You are in mourning and in shock: give yourself your normal post BDSM scene aftercare. Look after yourself.
[2009/10/28 11:28] Pirate Russell: Here are some issues you might have to deal with:
[2009/10/28 11:28] Pirate Russell: Trying to find them:
[2009/10/28 11:28] Pirate Russell: Okay so you are convinced they are out there, injured somewhere, or alone and hurt. What can you do? Well again this entirely depends on the information you exchanged during your online relationship.
[2009/10/28 11:29] Pirate Russell: If you have a real name and a city, you probably CAN track them down. But think this through; you don't want to be accused of stalking so use the info you have to make sure they are alive and well - and then let them be.
[2009/10/28 11:29] Pirate Russell: If you never exchanged real names its going to be tricky to find them. You might be able to do it on the basis of other information.
[2009/10/28 11:30] Pirate Russell: Its also important to talk to others in your online community - they may have more recent information (I heard one story where a Mistress left a message for her sub with other subs in a chatroom, when she had to leave the country in a hurry)
[2009/10/28 11:30] Pirate Russell: or be aware if your partner has done this in the past, before you came on the scene
[2009/10/28 11:30] Pirate Russell: Contacting them again:
[2009/10/28 11:31] Pirate Russell: Some people will tell you after any relationship finishes (vanilla or otherwise) to burn the photos, chuck out the momentos and never contact them again. So re contacting someone who has disappeared,
[2009/10/28 11:31] Pirate Russell: I guess it comes down to how badly you were hurt during your period of loss.
[2009/10/28 11:31] Pirate Russell: Sure, if it doesn't feel good, then leave them be. But if you still feel something for them, and you believe they are out there somewhere and still picking up their mail, then why not drop them the odd line?
[2009/10/28 11:31] Pirate Russell: Wish them Happy Birthday, Merry Xmas and Happy New Year. It lets them know you are thinking of them. There is also the chance they may respond.
[2009/10/28 11:32] Pirate Russell: In the online dating world, B Z advises that when she disappears online, what people should do in response is "DON'T go all stalkery on me, sending email after email imploring me to respond.
[2009/10/28 11:32] Pirate Russell: The best thing to do would be to continue to send the occasional email just to keep in touch. Perhaps ask for my help with something - you need to buy a present for a teenaged niece, or you need to translate something into a language I know.
[2009/10/28 11:33] Pirate Russell: You might invite me to a group event. If you are painting your house and inviting everyone you know over to help paint and then eat barbecue, I just might show up".
[2009/10/28 11:33] Pirate Russell: What to do if/when they turn up again:
[2009/10/28 11:33] Pirate Russell: This is the hardest part of all. You go through weeks, possibly months of grieving. You finally move on ... and then one day they reappear. Invariably this happens long after you have stopped dreaming of it happening!
[2009/10/28 11:33] Pirate Russell: In many cases, the person hardly gives any explanation but often seems to expect the relationship to pick up as if they had never been away.
[2009/10/28 11:33] Pirate Russell: Many Dom/mes have spoken to me about this. It's rare that the relationship is resumed, because trust has been so profoundly broken - would you ever believe their promise that it wouldn't happen again?
[2009/10/28 11:34] Pirate Russell: But why don't you at least try to preserve the friendship? However: do be prepared. They often disappear again.
[2009/10/28 11:34] Pirate Russell: VI. WHAT CAN I DO TO AVOIDIT HAPPENING (AGAIN)?
[2009/10/28 11:34] Pirate Russell: A lot of this has to do with personalities and individual relationships and it seems impossible to generalize, but there are a few things you can do:
[2009/10/28 11:34] Pirate Russell: * Exchange real names and contact details. I've made this a part of all online sub contracts since my own experience.
[2009/10/28 11:35] Pirate Russell settles for an email address
[2009/10/28 11:35] Pirate Russell: * Set up a contact scheme for emergencies: Some Dom/mes arrange for a third party to be involved, to contact their subs if the Dom/me has a family crisis, health emergency, etc. Discuss with each other what might work for you both.
[2009/10/28 11:35] Pirate Russell: * Talk about online disappearances. Make sure the topic comes up in conversation with your partner during good times. Ask them if they have ever done it, what their feelings are about it.
[2009/10/28 11:36] Pirate Russell looks down at Her ***BH***, and poofs...
[2009/10/28 11:36] Pirate Russell: JUST K***IW***NG!
[2009/10/28 11:36] Pirate Russell: It sounds trite and sure some people lie, but this remains a fairly successful way of finding out what they think. It also gives you an opportunity to get your own thoughts about it across.
[2009/10/28 11:36] ***LL***: :x
[2009/10/28 11:36] ***IM*** giggles
[2009/10/28 11:36] ***BH*** looks up frowning a bit
[2009/10/28 11:36] Pirate Russell: If your partner knows you'd be worried sick if they vanished, they may try more to keep you in the loop regarding their plans.
[2009/10/28 11:36] Pirate Russell: * Never take your online relationship for granted: the truth is you never know when someone might disappear - or other things might go wrong - so remember
[2009/10/28 11:37] Pirate Russell: every time you meet online to really appreciate your play partner and the wonderful BDSM times you are having. Your appreciation will be visible to them, and will make them appreciate you more as well.
[2009/10/28 11:37] Pirate Russell: And good luck!
[2009/10/28 11:37] Pirate Russell: Citation: http://bdsmforbeginners.blogspot.com/search/label/Cyber%20Kink%20Issues
[2009/10/28 11:37] Pirate Russell: The transcript for this, and all other classes can be found at http://collegeofkink.blogspot.com
[2009/10/28 11:37] Pirate Russell: Questions?? Comments??
[2009/10/28 11:38] ***nS***: some wonderfull information passed in the Lecture Miss
[2009/10/28 11:38] Pirate Russell smiles, "Thanks, ***nS***"
[2009/10/28 11:38] ***DB***: Quite a good overview.
[2009/10/28 11:39] ***LL***: i think discussing it before it happens and making it clear you just need to know and won't pressure the other person is important
[2009/10/28 11:39] ***LL***: some people can't face hurting you
[2009/10/28 11:39] Pirate Russell: Well, as in any relationship, Vanilla or D/s, COMMUNICATION is the most important thing!
[2009/10/28 11:40] ***LL***: one of my best friends from 2006 disappearing leaving 5 sims to be reclaimed by Linden Lab
[2009/10/28 11:40] ***LL***: we all think she's dead or something
[2009/10/28 11:40] Pirate Russell hopes not, but you never know
[2009/10/28 11:40] ***IM***: It doesn't take long for the trust to be broken in vanilla or BDSM relatioonships. girl has a friend who pretended to die IRL and came back a day later. Now she's lost most of her friends.
[2009/10/28 11:41] ***LL***: wow
[2009/10/28 11:41] ***DB***: There is one reason for disappearence that should be mentioned; the fact that there may be conflict between SL and RL self-images. EG, you may be a victim of their success, in a perverse way.
[2009/10/28 11:41] ***nS***: ohh...
[2009/10/28 11:41] Pirate Russell: Yeah, that can be rough, trust is HARD to rebuild
[2009/10/28 11:41] ***IW***: think its important to make the partner understand that once trust is broken the road to fix it is.. yeh almost imposible
[2009/10/28 11:41] ***LL***: one thing Miss you said......that they don't care as much about you, as you do about them, i think is true
[2009/10/28 11:42] Pirate Russell: Sorry ***IW***, didn't mean to steal your thunder
[2009/10/28 11:42] ***IW*** smiles warmly at Miss Pirate "not hard taken"
[2009/10/28 11:42] Pirate Russell is pretty much SURE that nobody, not even ***BH*** or ***IM*** care as much about Me, as I do about each of them!
[2009/10/28 11:43] ***IM***: It feels that way, which is nearly the same thing, Miss Lexi.
[2009/10/28 11:43] ***IM*** smiles at Mistress
[2009/10/28 11:43] ***BH*** stays silent on that one
[2009/10/28 11:43] ***DB***: Communication, self-honesty and an awareness of your own limits is one way to avoid doing this to someone else. For truly, that's the key, we only control our own actions.
[2009/10/28 11:43] Pirate Russell strokes girl's hair, lovingly
[2009/10/28 11:43] ***nS***: i think one of the hardest things to do is beg release from your Dom
[2009/10/28 11:44] ***BH*** leans into the hand
[2009/10/28 11:44] Pirate Russell: There is something I'd forgotten, "Self-Honesty" is necessary before communication, or you end up lieing, even if only by accident
[2009/10/28 11:44] ***LL***: it makes it hard to have another sl relationship of the same level
[2009/10/28 11:44] ***DB*** smiles ruefully.
[2009/10/28 11:44] ***DB***: one has to be *aware* one is lying, as well.
[2009/10/28 11:45] ***TW*** listens intently
[2009/10/28 11:45] ***DB2***: I agree with that Mistress. Knowing what you want from your relationships online is the greatest piece of knowledge you can hold....and will save you a lot of heartache.
[2009/10/28 11:45] ***CC***: lots of dishonesty here
[2009/10/28 11:46] ***LL***: i've discovered that many come back with alts, and just leave you unaware
[2009/10/28 11:46] :: ***BH*** invited you to a couple animation, choose 'yes' to accept
[2009/10/28 11:46] ***CC***: indeed
[2009/10/28 11:46] ***LL***: they just can't face you and break things off
[2009/10/28 11:46] ***DB***: "What do you seek" is one of my first questions.
[2009/10/28 11:46] Pirate Russell: Pardon Me a moment, she's gotta go
[2009/10/28 11:46] ***BH*** hugs tight before leaving
[2009/10/28 11:46] ***CC***: won't accept responsibility for their actions or feelings
[2009/10/28 11:47] ***LL***: i bet most disappearances fall into the alt category
[2009/10/28 11:47] ***CC***: most of us do not KNOW what we seek til we find it
[2009/10/28 11:47] Pirate Russell: Most likely
[2009/10/28 11:47] ***CC***: thats a lame question
[2009/10/28 11:47] ***IW***: how.. can one give respect if not given the respect to themselfs in beeing honest?
[2009/10/28 11:48] Pirate Russell: ***CC***, please, no questions are lame
[2009/10/28 11:48] ***DB***: ***CC***, until I know where someone needs to be and where they are currently, I have no idea if their path and mine continue together.
[2009/10/28 11:48] ***ED***: And the fact that we grow too as we move through the relationship. Sometimes our partner doesn't.
[2009/10/28 11:49] ***CC***: yes
[2009/10/28 11:49] ***TW*** nods
[2009/10/28 11:49] ***CC***: explore
[2009/10/28 11:49] ***CC***: it works much better
[2009/10/28 11:49] Pirate Russell: One needs to know his own path first, then the path of the other, before you can see if they're going the same direction at the same time
[2009/10/28 11:50] ***IM***: How do make it so someone can say goodbye instead of just leave?
[2009/10/28 11:51] Pirate Russell: I allow al My girls, and friends the opportunity to talk to ME, not just Pirate
[2009/10/28 11:51] ***LL***: well, talking about this possibly happening before it does i think is smart. and leaving an opening for the other person to breakup w/o guilt
[2009/10/28 11:51] ***LL***: "if we grow apart, i'll accept it, but please tell me"
[2009/10/28 11:52] ***TW***: exit strategy? But isn't that like self fufilling prophecy?
[2009/10/28 11:52] Pirate Russell: And yes, I do try to be an adult when it happens.
[2009/10/28 11:52] ***LL***: then so would all pre-nups be
[2009/10/28 11:52] ***TW*** knows she probably wrote that wrong
[2009/10/28 11:52] ***IM***: Yeah, can one plan for it without expecting it?
[2009/10/28 11:52] ***LL***: refusing to write a will does not mean you will live forever
[2009/10/28 11:52] ***aC***: I might add that i left my girl for 2 months..i did send her an email that i was ok but not if or when i would get back. she waited for me the 2 months and we are better then ever now. had the "fatigue", think things over thing
[2009/10/28 11:53] Pirate Russell talks a good game, but is notoriously bad planner in Her personal life, RL and SL.
[2009/10/28 11:53] ***LL***: the time to discuss these things are when you are getting along great
[2009/10/28 11:53] ***IM***: girl supposes it would be like a marriage contract. girl can't imagine that either.
[2009/10/28 11:54] ***LL***: the reality is, you probably will break up, discussion or not
[2009/10/28 11:54] ***DB2***: I like what ***LL***said there. But I also think that kind of understanding of online interactions comes with time and a lot of people just aren't /there/ yet. I try to have that talk early on to see if they share my belief that online relationships can be long and beautiful, but are not really meant to sustain forever, so there will come a point when the journey will end.
[2009/10/28 11:54] ***TW***: I just think if you talk about the end you give it power... but I also agree that there should be understanding
[2009/10/28 11:54] Pirate Russell whispers: Well, 50% of Marriages in America end up in divorce, the other half in death, which is better??? LOL
[2009/10/28 11:54] Pirate Russell: Well, 50% of Marriages in America end up in divorce, the other half in death, which is better??? LOL
[2009/10/28 11:54] Pirate Russell: Didn't mean to whisper that the 1st time
[2009/10/28 11:54] ***TW***: depends on the marriage?
[2009/10/28 11:54] ***TW***: giggles
[2009/10/28 11:55] ***DB***: In particular, respect one's own hard limits and play within them.
[2009/10/28 11:55] Pirate Russell is on Her second, and this one will kill Me, one way or the other
[2009/10/28 11:55] ***IM*** giggles
[2009/10/28 11:55] ***TW*** winces
[2009/10/28 11:55] ***LL***: things move fast in sl, and people evolve and change quickly, leaving relationships in their wake
[2009/10/28 11:55] ***ED***: We've all been there Pirate
[2009/10/28 11:55] Pirate Russell: But seriously, if we are honest with ourselves and with our partners, things will work themselves out
[2009/10/28 11:55] ***LL***: many of us are curiousity sluts
[2009/10/28 11:56] Pirate Russell: That's true, I've heard SL years are like Dog years, but at a 10 to 1 ratio
[2009/10/28 11:56] ***IM*** nods
[2009/10/28 11:56] ***LL***: amen
[2009/10/28 11:56] ***NQ***: True honesty is rare, Pirate.
[2009/10/28 11:56] ***TW***: time is bent in SL for sure
[2009/10/28 11:57] ***DB***: Speaking of overdue commitments, I must go find a bank machine. :P Do please excuse my impending absence.
[2009/10/28 11:57] Pirate Russell: Oh, you can just give Me your money ***DB***, I'll put it to good use....
[2009/10/28 11:57] ***LL***: sure, abandon us ;)
[2009/10/28 11:57] Pirate Russell: Oh? A withdrawal??
[2009/10/28 11:57] ***IM***: You can write it off as a bad debt.... hehe.
[2009/10/28 11:58] ***DB***: alas, no. And I wish. They DO have my real life details. :P
[2009/10/28 11:58] ***LL***: well, now that we are all totally depressed.....
[2009/10/28 11:58] Pirate Russell: OOOHHH.. he he
[2009/10/28 11:58] Pirate Russell isn't depressed at all, because I know how I'll handle it if ***IM*** left me
[2009/10/28 11:58] ***IM***: Hunt girl down and kill her?
[2009/10/28 11:58] Pirate Russell: Id quit SL, and the internet! LOL
[2009/10/28 11:58] ***IW***: its just the fact of the Internet Lexi. its shame it is like that but it happends
[2009/10/28 11:58] ***LL***: hee
[2009/10/28 11:59] ***IM***: Awww.
[2009/10/28 11:59] ***TW***: Doesn't it come down to how you handle yourself though?
[2009/10/28 11:59] Pirate Russell: It has happened to me a MILLION times, but I remember the good times!
[2009/10/28 11:59] Pirate Russell grins at Tink, "Stay outta My head!" LOL
[2009/10/28 11:59] ***TW*** smiles
[2009/10/28 12:00] ***LL***: so no refreshments, huh?
[2009/10/28 12:00] ***DB2***: In a way, knowing how very /easy/ it is to lie and hide and abandon on the internet, that makes it so much more epic when you find someone that is honest, knowing they don't really have to be...
[2009/10/28 12:00] ***IW***: what would you like to have Lexi?
[2009/10/28 12:00] ***LL*** came for the junk food
[2009/10/28 12:00] ***TW***: So it's a matter of accountability?
[2009/10/28 12:01] ***DB2***: That's always the bottom line :)
[2009/10/28 12:01] ***CC***: and how serious you take your responsibilities
[2009/10/28 12:01] ***LL***: actually, i missed the last forum by minutes, and am really glad i made this one
[2009/10/28 12:01] ***IW*** sends over a Popcorn Box to Lexi
[2009/10/28 12:01] ***CC***: even if they are online
[2009/10/28 12:01] ***NQ***: Player reliability is the keyword.
[2009/10/28 12:01] ***LL*** is not falling for that popcorn box trick
[2009/10/28 12:01] ***NQ***: Excuse us please
[2009/10/28 12:02] ***IW***: trick?
[2009/10/28 12:02] ***nS***: giggles
[2009/10/28 12:02] ***LL***: where the guy puts the box in his lap and you reach in....
[2009/10/28 12:02] ***IM*** laughs
[2009/10/28 12:02] Pirate Russell: Ok, I'll end class today with this......
[2009/10/28 12:02] Pirate Russell: What do you do when a girl sits on your hand???
[2009/10/28 12:02] ***IW***: i'd never do such a thing i'm a nice girl
[2009/10/28 12:02] ***LL***: ty ***IW*** :)
[2009/10/28 12:02] ***DB2***: wave
[2009/10/28 12:02] Pirate Russell: GET HER OFF! Class dismissed!
[2009/10/28 12:02] ***TW***: giggles
[2009/10/28 12:02] ***aC***: hehehe
[2009/10/28 12:02] ***TW***: Thank you Pirate!
[2009/10/28 12:03] ***nS***: laughs
[2009/10/28 12:03] ***LL***: thank you Miss Pirate
[2009/10/28 12:03] ***LL***: lrelease
[2009/10/28 12:03] ***IW***: thank you Miss Pirate
[2009/10/28 12:03] Pirate Russell: Tomorrow, starting about NOW, "Exhibitionism and Voyeurism"
[2009/10/28 12:03] ***nS***: thank You for the Class Miss Pirate
[2009/10/28 11:09] Pirate Russell: Welcome to House of V's College of Kink! As most of y'all know, My name is Pirate Russell, Head Mistress of the College, and today's instructor. I have been in SL for 4 years, a lesbian Domme, the entire time.
[2009/10/28 11:09] Pirate Russell: If any need to leave early, the transcript for this, and all other classes can be found at http://collegeofkink.blogspot.com.
[2009/10/28 11:10] Pirate Russell: Our topic today, "Alone: Why don't they log on anymore?".
[2009/10/28 11:10] Pirate Russell: alone by ~Hoeg on deviantART ( http://bdsmforbeginners.blogspot.com/search/label/Cyber%20Kink%20Issues )
[2009/10/28 11:10] Pirate Russell: "She's been my Mistress for 9 months.Now our blog's gone and She's not responding to email"
[2009/10/28 11:10] Pirate Russell: "We were about to collar her and she vanished without a word"
[2009/10/28 11:10] Pirate Russell: "I don't think I'm going to get to see Her again for a long while...if ever.
[2009/10/28 11:10] Pirate Russell: *She's deleted Her yahoo account. "
[2009/10/28 11:10] Pirate Russell: "How long do I wait? I can't seem to move forward"
[2009/10/28 11:11] Pirate Russell: One day you are happy, playing with your online BDSM play partner, chatting about inconsequential things and planning your next time together.
[2009/10/28 11:11] Pirate Russell: The next day, without warning, your world falls apart. Your partner fails to turn up online. They don't respond to your attempts to contact them. Their email address bounces.
[2009/10/28 11:11] Pirate Russell: Yep
[2009/10/28 11:11] Pirate Russell: Their profile vanishes from the sites you both belong to. No one in your online community has heard from them. You panic: are they ill? Hurt? Dead in a car crash? How will you ever know?
[2009/10/28 11:12] Pirate Russell: You suddenly realize you have no way to find them. You search through every IM conversation record for facts about their real life - anything that might lead you to them...
[2009/10/28 11:12] Pirate Russell: Days pass. Weeks. You go from feeling concern to blaming yourself: you must have been a bad sub or Dom/me. You drove them away. Its all your fault. You must have said something wrong (but what??).
[2009/10/28 11:12] Pirate Russell: Then your mood switches to frustration and anger: how dare they do this? How could they? They said they cared. You were friends. More than friends. They knew you better than anyone. Then you feel despair: you feel betrayed.
[2009/10/28 11:13] Pirate Russell: How long must you wait? WHERE ARE THEY???? Then you just feel numb.
[2009/10/28 11:13] Pirate Russell: Sometimes they never come back. Sometimes they do. That can be worse.
[2009/10/28 11:13] Pirate Russell: Welcome to the world of online loss.
[2009/10/28 11:14] Pirate Russell: It's a remarkably common experience - most of us with online play partners (whether for online sex, dating, BDSM or even on games like Second Life) will unfortunately encounter it in some form.
[2009/10/28 11:14] Pirate Russell: Equally unfortunately there's very little written about it, but it's an experience you don't want to go through alone.
[2009/10/28 11:14] Pirate Russell: This BDSM For Beginners post will hopefully provide you with some ways to understand it, cope with it and hopefully in future avoid it.
[2009/10/28 11:14] Pirate Russell: I. WHY DO PEOPLE DISAPPEAR ONLINE?
[2009/10/28 11:15] Pirate Russell: It's impossible to speak for individuals, but we can draw some general observations about why / when people disappear:
[2009/10/28 11:15] Pirate Russell: Disappearing at the end of a relationship:
[2009/10/28 11:15] Pirate Russell: In this case your partner vanishes after an argument, or things go wrong. They may cut off all contact and make public statements like deleting their blogs or profiles.
[2009/10/28 11:15] Pirate Russell: In these cases you have some warning that things are going wrong, so while the whole experience is upsetting (as is the end of any relationship, whether kinky or vanilla, or real time or online) at least you have an understanding of why it occurred.
[2009/10/28 11:16] Pirate Russell: Many people are sincere in wanting to dismantle the online persona they utilized with you, at the end of a relationships.
[2009/10/28 11:16] Pirate Russell: However be aware that others use the threat of vanishing as a nasty means to control their partner, when an online relationship is in trouble.
[2009/10/28 11:16] Pirate Russell: In these cases they may not entirely delete their profile but might delete their friends list, etc and leave a statement claiming they no longer use the site (this always looks very silly when you can see elsewhere on their page that they are online).
[2009/10/28 11:17] Pirate Russell: If your partner turns out to be playing this sort of game, while there is certainly hope you might get back together (or else why would they still be around)
[2009/10/28 11:17] Pirate Russell: it might be time to have a good hard think about whether you really want to continue in a relationship with someone who plays around with your mind and heart in such a manner.
[2009/10/28 11:17] Pirate Russell: II.DISSAPPEARING BECAUSE OF REAL LIFE ISSUES:
[2009/10/28 11:17] Pirate Russell: In these circumstances, you may or may not get warning, depending how close you are to your online partner and how much they discuss their real life with you. If they do, then you will be aware of whatever crisis they are facing.
[2009/10/28 11:17] Pirate Russell: If not, they leave an email or IM message for you, saying that they have a problem and need some time offline. It may not provide all the information you want but at least such a message means you know where they are,
[2009/10/28 11:18] Pirate Russell: and that your online relationship will hopefully be able to resume when their situation is improved. They may of course also leave a message that says their problem is ongoing (such as trying to fix a marriage) and they won't be back.
[2009/10/28 11:18] Pirate Russell: Disappearing for a while due to online fatigue:
[2009/10/28 11:18] Pirate Russell: Sometimes people just need to take a break for a while. They may leave a message. Other times there is no warning, although looking back you will probably recognize your partner was under stress.
[2009/10/28 11:18] Pirate Russell: They don't delete anything online, they just don't seem to come online anymore and become impossible to contact.
[2009/10/28 11:19] Pirate Russell: I'm guilty of this myself. I call it Mistress Fatigue - a desperate need to have a break from your online persona for a while. I always come back. But I just need some space. If you seem to be encountering this kind of disappearance,
[2009/10/28 11:19] Pirate Russell: there is one magic word that solves the problem: patience. Trust your partner. They will be back, and they will appreciate the patience and consideration you have shown.
[2009/10/28 11:19] Pirate Russell: III. DISAPEARING WITHOUT WARNING:
[2009/10/28 11:19] Pirate Russell: This is the scenario I outlined at the beginning of this post. You get no warning at all: they are simply gone. The worst scenario going through your head - that they may have died - is unlikely
[2009/10/28 11:19] Pirate Russell: (although I know one sub who did lose a great friend and Mistress this way, when she died unexpectedly). They may be in hospital, or have close relatives in hospital, and be unable to get online.
[2009/10/28 11:20] Pirate Russell: Their computer may have broken down. They may have forgotten to pay their wireless bill. Or gone on an unexpected business trip.
[2009/10/28 11:20] Pirate Russell: All these reasons work well in the short term, but they don't work after a week or so. Nor do they offer comfort if your partner has deleted their online personas.
[2009/10/28 11:20] Pirate Russell: At some point you may just have to face up (as I once did) to the cold hard fact that someone you care about simply does not care enough about you to get in touch and explain their actions.
[2009/10/28 11:20] Pirate Russell: Although nothing has been specifically written about BDSM online relationship disappearances, you can find responses (such as B Z on datingdame.com) documenting reasons for vanishing during online dating:
[2009/10/28 11:21] Pirate Russell: "When I mysteriously disappear online, it usually means I am afraid of rejection.
[2009/10/28 11:21] Pirate Russell: I am afraid of the person saying, "Hurrumph, she said she was not fat". I am afraid of becoming all nervous and silly and making a fool of myself by saying the wrong things. And if I do manage to overcome these worries, I have the secondary fear of reject
[2009/10/28 11:21] Pirate Russell: If the person is, in real life, dull or bad-tempered, I don't want to have gotten all excited about a date only to have to turn down their request for another one."
[2009/10/28 11:22] Pirate Russell: But these reasons don't seem to apply to online only BDSM relationships, unless your partner vanished just before you arranged to meet.
[2009/10/28 11:22] Pirate Russell: You may find some hint in your relationship's history (I was told much later that my gone-without-warning sub did not want to tell me she was moving to a real time dominant).
[2009/10/28 11:22] Pirate Russell: But let's be honest, you may never hear why. Perhaps the only "why" we will ever know is one Dragon Lord touches on indirectly in The Views From The Dragon's Lair: Dealing With Running:
[2009/10/28 11:22] Pirate Russell: "Ever notice how many people are running everyday? Running here and there, running to their jobs, running to their homes, running to make money, running from debt, running from so many things: pain, love, commitment, the past, the future.
[2009/10/28 11:23] Pirate Russell: Sometimes I wonder if they really know what they are running from. In this life from a Dominant's perspective we see a lot of this running, we encounter it constantly ....
[2009/10/28 11:23] Pirate Russell: "[Some people even run] from their goals. Once they realized that you were not the other person, that you were true to your word, then they became scared of the commitment that will incur their desires coming true. .....
[2009/10/28 11:23] Pirate Russell: There are so many different reasons that people run: i.e. the fear of not being needed, the fear of disappointing, the fear of having disappointed, and the fear of rejection, of acceptance, of success and of failure".
[2009/10/28 11:23] Pirate Russell: IV. WHAT DO YOU FEEL WHEN THIS HAPPENS?
[2009/10/28 11:24] Pirate Russell: Well, obviously you feel like shit. I grieved for months. Another friend who is currently experiencing this recently wrote:
[2009/10/28 11:24] Pirate Russell: "I understand real life comes first. There have been times where I've walked away for one reason or another. I've hurt people in the past, never intentionally but it has happened and I still regret it ...
[2009/10/28 11:24] Pirate Russell: Understanding doesn't make it any easier though ... [I'm] feeling abandoned, confused, lost ... just wishing to have one last conversation to talk things over. There are no hard feelings, just things left unsaid and questions left unanswered ... ".
[2009/10/28 11:24] Pirate Russell: I felt exactly the same. He also faces the same terrible double bind - the uncertainty of whether to move on or to wait: "If She does come back soon, I don't want it to appear that I have been disloyal, or unfaithful.
[2009/10/28 11:25] Pirate Russell: But what if She doesn't come back?". People in other areas on online life face the same issues, such as Carly, who experienced the disappearance of her marriage partner on Second Life:
[2009/10/28 11:25] Pirate Russell: "I don't know what to do. I'm normally a pretty aggressive, take charge kind of woman, but right now I feel so pathetic. How long do I wait to move on? A month? Two? Three? I don't know how long I can stand to feel like this.
[2009/10/28 11:25] Pirate Russell: I went from having it all to having nothing but ashes. I don't want another girl, I want the one I had..."
[2009/10/28 11:26] Pirate Russell: But on the other hand, you have to start to think of your own needs, as my friend did:
[2009/10/28 11:26] Pirate Russell: "Will She be back? How long will it take? How long should I wait? That last [question] is kind of a big one for me. I use my time online to express myself, to satisfy that submissive itch that I have, that cannot be ignored.
[2009/10/28 11:26] Pirate Russell: If it goes too long without being scratched I find myself depressed, irritable, and just not myself".
[2009/10/28 11:26] Pirate Russell: This brings us to the next question: your survival.
[2009/10/28 11:27] Pirate Russell: V. HOW DO I COPE, IN PRACTICAL TERMS?
[2009/10/28 11:27] Pirate Russell: Firstly, and most importantly BY NOT BLAMING YOURSELF.
[2009/10/28 11:27] Pirate Russell: The fact your play partner has vanished IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You are not a bad sub or a bad Dom/me. You did not fail. You did not drive them away. Their disappearance is about their issues, not yours.
[2009/10/28 11:27] Pirate Russell: Secondly, treat yourself gently. You are in mourning and in shock: give yourself your normal post BDSM scene aftercare. Look after yourself.
[2009/10/28 11:28] Pirate Russell: Here are some issues you might have to deal with:
[2009/10/28 11:28] Pirate Russell: Trying to find them:
[2009/10/28 11:28] Pirate Russell: Okay so you are convinced they are out there, injured somewhere, or alone and hurt. What can you do? Well again this entirely depends on the information you exchanged during your online relationship.
[2009/10/28 11:29] Pirate Russell: If you have a real name and a city, you probably CAN track them down. But think this through; you don't want to be accused of stalking so use the info you have to make sure they are alive and well - and then let them be.
[2009/10/28 11:29] Pirate Russell: If you never exchanged real names its going to be tricky to find them. You might be able to do it on the basis of other information.
[2009/10/28 11:30] Pirate Russell: Its also important to talk to others in your online community - they may have more recent information (I heard one story where a Mistress left a message for her sub with other subs in a chatroom, when she had to leave the country in a hurry)
[2009/10/28 11:30] Pirate Russell: or be aware if your partner has done this in the past, before you came on the scene
[2009/10/28 11:30] Pirate Russell: Contacting them again:
[2009/10/28 11:31] Pirate Russell: Some people will tell you after any relationship finishes (vanilla or otherwise) to burn the photos, chuck out the momentos and never contact them again. So re contacting someone who has disappeared,
[2009/10/28 11:31] Pirate Russell: I guess it comes down to how badly you were hurt during your period of loss.
[2009/10/28 11:31] Pirate Russell: Sure, if it doesn't feel good, then leave them be. But if you still feel something for them, and you believe they are out there somewhere and still picking up their mail, then why not drop them the odd line?
[2009/10/28 11:31] Pirate Russell: Wish them Happy Birthday, Merry Xmas and Happy New Year. It lets them know you are thinking of them. There is also the chance they may respond.
[2009/10/28 11:32] Pirate Russell: In the online dating world, B Z advises that when she disappears online, what people should do in response is "DON'T go all stalkery on me, sending email after email imploring me to respond.
[2009/10/28 11:32] Pirate Russell: The best thing to do would be to continue to send the occasional email just to keep in touch. Perhaps ask for my help with something - you need to buy a present for a teenaged niece, or you need to translate something into a language I know.
[2009/10/28 11:33] Pirate Russell: You might invite me to a group event. If you are painting your house and inviting everyone you know over to help paint and then eat barbecue, I just might show up".
[2009/10/28 11:33] Pirate Russell: What to do if/when they turn up again:
[2009/10/28 11:33] Pirate Russell: This is the hardest part of all. You go through weeks, possibly months of grieving. You finally move on ... and then one day they reappear. Invariably this happens long after you have stopped dreaming of it happening!
[2009/10/28 11:33] Pirate Russell: In many cases, the person hardly gives any explanation but often seems to expect the relationship to pick up as if they had never been away.
[2009/10/28 11:33] Pirate Russell: Many Dom/mes have spoken to me about this. It's rare that the relationship is resumed, because trust has been so profoundly broken - would you ever believe their promise that it wouldn't happen again?
[2009/10/28 11:34] Pirate Russell: But why don't you at least try to preserve the friendship? However: do be prepared. They often disappear again.
[2009/10/28 11:34] Pirate Russell: VI. WHAT CAN I DO TO AVOIDIT HAPPENING (AGAIN)?
[2009/10/28 11:34] Pirate Russell: A lot of this has to do with personalities and individual relationships and it seems impossible to generalize, but there are a few things you can do:
[2009/10/28 11:34] Pirate Russell: * Exchange real names and contact details. I've made this a part of all online sub contracts since my own experience.
[2009/10/28 11:35] Pirate Russell settles for an email address
[2009/10/28 11:35] Pirate Russell: * Set up a contact scheme for emergencies: Some Dom/mes arrange for a third party to be involved, to contact their subs if the Dom/me has a family crisis, health emergency, etc. Discuss with each other what might work for you both.
[2009/10/28 11:35] Pirate Russell: * Talk about online disappearances. Make sure the topic comes up in conversation with your partner during good times. Ask them if they have ever done it, what their feelings are about it.
[2009/10/28 11:36] Pirate Russell looks down at Her ***BH***, and poofs...
[2009/10/28 11:36] Pirate Russell: JUST K***IW***NG!
[2009/10/28 11:36] Pirate Russell: It sounds trite and sure some people lie, but this remains a fairly successful way of finding out what they think. It also gives you an opportunity to get your own thoughts about it across.
[2009/10/28 11:36] ***LL***: :x
[2009/10/28 11:36] ***IM*** giggles
[2009/10/28 11:36] ***BH*** looks up frowning a bit
[2009/10/28 11:36] Pirate Russell: If your partner knows you'd be worried sick if they vanished, they may try more to keep you in the loop regarding their plans.
[2009/10/28 11:36] Pirate Russell: * Never take your online relationship for granted: the truth is you never know when someone might disappear - or other things might go wrong - so remember
[2009/10/28 11:37] Pirate Russell: every time you meet online to really appreciate your play partner and the wonderful BDSM times you are having. Your appreciation will be visible to them, and will make them appreciate you more as well.
[2009/10/28 11:37] Pirate Russell: And good luck!
[2009/10/28 11:37] Pirate Russell: Citation: http://bdsmforbeginners.blogspot.com/search/label/Cyber%20Kink%20Issues
[2009/10/28 11:37] Pirate Russell: The transcript for this, and all other classes can be found at http://collegeofkink.blogspot.com
[2009/10/28 11:37] Pirate Russell: Questions?? Comments??
[2009/10/28 11:38] ***nS***: some wonderfull information passed in the Lecture Miss
[2009/10/28 11:38] Pirate Russell smiles, "Thanks, ***nS***"
[2009/10/28 11:38] ***DB***: Quite a good overview.
[2009/10/28 11:39] ***LL***: i think discussing it before it happens and making it clear you just need to know and won't pressure the other person is important
[2009/10/28 11:39] ***LL***: some people can't face hurting you
[2009/10/28 11:39] Pirate Russell: Well, as in any relationship, Vanilla or D/s, COMMUNICATION is the most important thing!
[2009/10/28 11:40] ***LL***: one of my best friends from 2006 disappearing leaving 5 sims to be reclaimed by Linden Lab
[2009/10/28 11:40] ***LL***: we all think she's dead or something
[2009/10/28 11:40] Pirate Russell hopes not, but you never know
[2009/10/28 11:40] ***IM***: It doesn't take long for the trust to be broken in vanilla or BDSM relatioonships. girl has a friend who pretended to die IRL and came back a day later. Now she's lost most of her friends.
[2009/10/28 11:41] ***LL***: wow
[2009/10/28 11:41] ***DB***: There is one reason for disappearence that should be mentioned; the fact that there may be conflict between SL and RL self-images. EG, you may be a victim of their success, in a perverse way.
[2009/10/28 11:41] ***nS***: ohh...
[2009/10/28 11:41] Pirate Russell: Yeah, that can be rough, trust is HARD to rebuild
[2009/10/28 11:41] ***IW***: think its important to make the partner understand that once trust is broken the road to fix it is.. yeh almost imposible
[2009/10/28 11:41] ***LL***: one thing Miss you said......that they don't care as much about you, as you do about them, i think is true
[2009/10/28 11:42] Pirate Russell: Sorry ***IW***, didn't mean to steal your thunder
[2009/10/28 11:42] ***IW*** smiles warmly at Miss Pirate "not hard taken"
[2009/10/28 11:42] Pirate Russell is pretty much SURE that nobody, not even ***BH*** or ***IM*** care as much about Me, as I do about each of them!
[2009/10/28 11:43] ***IM***: It feels that way, which is nearly the same thing, Miss Lexi.
[2009/10/28 11:43] ***IM*** smiles at Mistress
[2009/10/28 11:43] ***BH*** stays silent on that one
[2009/10/28 11:43] ***DB***: Communication, self-honesty and an awareness of your own limits is one way to avoid doing this to someone else. For truly, that's the key, we only control our own actions.
[2009/10/28 11:43] Pirate Russell strokes girl's hair, lovingly
[2009/10/28 11:43] ***nS***: i think one of the hardest things to do is beg release from your Dom
[2009/10/28 11:44] ***BH*** leans into the hand
[2009/10/28 11:44] Pirate Russell: There is something I'd forgotten, "Self-Honesty" is necessary before communication, or you end up lieing, even if only by accident
[2009/10/28 11:44] ***LL***: it makes it hard to have another sl relationship of the same level
[2009/10/28 11:44] ***DB*** smiles ruefully.
[2009/10/28 11:44] ***DB***: one has to be *aware* one is lying, as well.
[2009/10/28 11:45] ***TW*** listens intently
[2009/10/28 11:45] ***DB2***: I agree with that Mistress. Knowing what you want from your relationships online is the greatest piece of knowledge you can hold....and will save you a lot of heartache.
[2009/10/28 11:45] ***CC***: lots of dishonesty here
[2009/10/28 11:46] ***LL***: i've discovered that many come back with alts, and just leave you unaware
[2009/10/28 11:46] :: ***BH*** invited you to a couple animation, choose 'yes' to accept
[2009/10/28 11:46] ***CC***: indeed
[2009/10/28 11:46] ***LL***: they just can't face you and break things off
[2009/10/28 11:46] ***DB***: "What do you seek" is one of my first questions.
[2009/10/28 11:46] Pirate Russell: Pardon Me a moment, she's gotta go
[2009/10/28 11:46] ***BH*** hugs tight before leaving
[2009/10/28 11:46] ***CC***: won't accept responsibility for their actions or feelings
[2009/10/28 11:47] ***LL***: i bet most disappearances fall into the alt category
[2009/10/28 11:47] ***CC***: most of us do not KNOW what we seek til we find it
[2009/10/28 11:47] Pirate Russell: Most likely
[2009/10/28 11:47] ***CC***: thats a lame question
[2009/10/28 11:47] ***IW***: how.. can one give respect if not given the respect to themselfs in beeing honest?
[2009/10/28 11:48] Pirate Russell: ***CC***, please, no questions are lame
[2009/10/28 11:48] ***DB***: ***CC***, until I know where someone needs to be and where they are currently, I have no idea if their path and mine continue together.
[2009/10/28 11:48] ***ED***: And the fact that we grow too as we move through the relationship. Sometimes our partner doesn't.
[2009/10/28 11:49] ***CC***: yes
[2009/10/28 11:49] ***TW*** nods
[2009/10/28 11:49] ***CC***: explore
[2009/10/28 11:49] ***CC***: it works much better
[2009/10/28 11:49] Pirate Russell: One needs to know his own path first, then the path of the other, before you can see if they're going the same direction at the same time
[2009/10/28 11:50] ***IM***: How do make it so someone can say goodbye instead of just leave?
[2009/10/28 11:51] Pirate Russell: I allow al My girls, and friends the opportunity to talk to ME, not just Pirate
[2009/10/28 11:51] ***LL***: well, talking about this possibly happening before it does i think is smart. and leaving an opening for the other person to breakup w/o guilt
[2009/10/28 11:51] ***LL***: "if we grow apart, i'll accept it, but please tell me"
[2009/10/28 11:52] ***TW***: exit strategy? But isn't that like self fufilling prophecy?
[2009/10/28 11:52] Pirate Russell: And yes, I do try to be an adult when it happens.
[2009/10/28 11:52] ***LL***: then so would all pre-nups be
[2009/10/28 11:52] ***TW*** knows she probably wrote that wrong
[2009/10/28 11:52] ***IM***: Yeah, can one plan for it without expecting it?
[2009/10/28 11:52] ***LL***: refusing to write a will does not mean you will live forever
[2009/10/28 11:52] ***aC***: I might add that i left my girl for 2 months..i did send her an email that i was ok but not if or when i would get back. she waited for me the 2 months and we are better then ever now. had the "fatigue", think things over thing
[2009/10/28 11:53] Pirate Russell talks a good game, but is notoriously bad planner in Her personal life, RL and SL.
[2009/10/28 11:53] ***LL***: the time to discuss these things are when you are getting along great
[2009/10/28 11:53] ***IM***: girl supposes it would be like a marriage contract. girl can't imagine that either.
[2009/10/28 11:54] ***LL***: the reality is, you probably will break up, discussion or not
[2009/10/28 11:54] ***DB2***: I like what ***LL***said there. But I also think that kind of understanding of online interactions comes with time and a lot of people just aren't /there/ yet. I try to have that talk early on to see if they share my belief that online relationships can be long and beautiful, but are not really meant to sustain forever, so there will come a point when the journey will end.
[2009/10/28 11:54] ***TW***: I just think if you talk about the end you give it power... but I also agree that there should be understanding
[2009/10/28 11:54] Pirate Russell whispers: Well, 50% of Marriages in America end up in divorce, the other half in death, which is better??? LOL
[2009/10/28 11:54] Pirate Russell: Well, 50% of Marriages in America end up in divorce, the other half in death, which is better??? LOL
[2009/10/28 11:54] Pirate Russell: Didn't mean to whisper that the 1st time
[2009/10/28 11:54] ***TW***: depends on the marriage?
[2009/10/28 11:54] ***TW***: giggles
[2009/10/28 11:55] ***DB***: In particular, respect one's own hard limits and play within them.
[2009/10/28 11:55] Pirate Russell is on Her second, and this one will kill Me, one way or the other
[2009/10/28 11:55] ***IM*** giggles
[2009/10/28 11:55] ***TW*** winces
[2009/10/28 11:55] ***LL***: things move fast in sl, and people evolve and change quickly, leaving relationships in their wake
[2009/10/28 11:55] ***ED***: We've all been there Pirate
[2009/10/28 11:55] Pirate Russell: But seriously, if we are honest with ourselves and with our partners, things will work themselves out
[2009/10/28 11:55] ***LL***: many of us are curiousity sluts
[2009/10/28 11:56] Pirate Russell: That's true, I've heard SL years are like Dog years, but at a 10 to 1 ratio
[2009/10/28 11:56] ***IM*** nods
[2009/10/28 11:56] ***LL***: amen
[2009/10/28 11:56] ***NQ***: True honesty is rare, Pirate.
[2009/10/28 11:56] ***TW***: time is bent in SL for sure
[2009/10/28 11:57] ***DB***: Speaking of overdue commitments, I must go find a bank machine. :P Do please excuse my impending absence.
[2009/10/28 11:57] Pirate Russell: Oh, you can just give Me your money ***DB***, I'll put it to good use....
[2009/10/28 11:57] ***LL***: sure, abandon us ;)
[2009/10/28 11:57] Pirate Russell: Oh? A withdrawal??
[2009/10/28 11:57] ***IM***: You can write it off as a bad debt.... hehe.
[2009/10/28 11:58] ***DB***: alas, no. And I wish. They DO have my real life details. :P
[2009/10/28 11:58] ***LL***: well, now that we are all totally depressed.....
[2009/10/28 11:58] Pirate Russell: OOOHHH.. he he
[2009/10/28 11:58] Pirate Russell isn't depressed at all, because I know how I'll handle it if ***IM*** left me
[2009/10/28 11:58] ***IM***: Hunt girl down and kill her?
[2009/10/28 11:58] Pirate Russell: Id quit SL, and the internet! LOL
[2009/10/28 11:58] ***IW***: its just the fact of the Internet Lexi. its shame it is like that but it happends
[2009/10/28 11:58] ***LL***: hee
[2009/10/28 11:59] ***IM***: Awww.
[2009/10/28 11:59] ***TW***: Doesn't it come down to how you handle yourself though?
[2009/10/28 11:59] Pirate Russell: It has happened to me a MILLION times, but I remember the good times!
[2009/10/28 11:59] Pirate Russell grins at Tink, "Stay outta My head!" LOL
[2009/10/28 11:59] ***TW*** smiles
[2009/10/28 12:00] ***LL***: so no refreshments, huh?
[2009/10/28 12:00] ***DB2***: In a way, knowing how very /easy/ it is to lie and hide and abandon on the internet, that makes it so much more epic when you find someone that is honest, knowing they don't really have to be...
[2009/10/28 12:00] ***IW***: what would you like to have Lexi?
[2009/10/28 12:00] ***LL*** came for the junk food
[2009/10/28 12:00] ***TW***: So it's a matter of accountability?
[2009/10/28 12:01] ***DB2***: That's always the bottom line :)
[2009/10/28 12:01] ***CC***: and how serious you take your responsibilities
[2009/10/28 12:01] ***LL***: actually, i missed the last forum by minutes, and am really glad i made this one
[2009/10/28 12:01] ***IW*** sends over a Popcorn Box to Lexi
[2009/10/28 12:01] ***CC***: even if they are online
[2009/10/28 12:01] ***NQ***: Player reliability is the keyword.
[2009/10/28 12:01] ***LL*** is not falling for that popcorn box trick
[2009/10/28 12:01] ***NQ***: Excuse us please
[2009/10/28 12:02] ***IW***: trick?
[2009/10/28 12:02] ***nS***: giggles
[2009/10/28 12:02] ***LL***: where the guy puts the box in his lap and you reach in....
[2009/10/28 12:02] ***IM*** laughs
[2009/10/28 12:02] Pirate Russell: Ok, I'll end class today with this......
[2009/10/28 12:02] Pirate Russell: What do you do when a girl sits on your hand???
[2009/10/28 12:02] ***IW***: i'd never do such a thing i'm a nice girl
[2009/10/28 12:02] ***LL***: ty ***IW*** :)
[2009/10/28 12:02] ***DB2***: wave
[2009/10/28 12:02] Pirate Russell: GET HER OFF! Class dismissed!
[2009/10/28 12:02] ***TW***: giggles
[2009/10/28 12:02] ***aC***: hehehe
[2009/10/28 12:02] ***TW***: Thank you Pirate!
[2009/10/28 12:03] ***nS***: laughs
[2009/10/28 12:03] ***LL***: thank you Miss Pirate
[2009/10/28 12:03] ***LL***: lrelease
[2009/10/28 12:03] ***IW***: thank you Miss Pirate
[2009/10/28 12:03] Pirate Russell: Tomorrow, starting about NOW, "Exhibitionism and Voyeurism"
[2009/10/28 12:03] ***nS***: thank You for the Class Miss Pirate
LAZY Pirate
I have been remiss in keeping this up. I will start again pick up with 10/29 & 10/30 of 2009. I may get the back issues posted at a later date, and maybe not.
Sorry, but I am the epitome of laziness.
Ciao for now....
Pirate
Sorry, but I am the epitome of laziness.
Ciao for now....
Pirate
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