General BDSM Etiquette - 5/19/09

[12:13] Pirate Russell: ANYway....Ladies & Gentlemen, boys and girls, I would like Y/y'all to welcome Dom Rahja, the newest Instructor at the College of Kink. Please treat him better than you do Me
[12:14] ***SD*** claps politely
[12:14] ***MV*** grins
[12:14] Dominic Rahja: haaa
[12:14] Dominic Rahja: thanks
[12:14] Pirate Russell giggles and sits
[12:14] ***NZ***: i will
[12:14] Dominic Rahja: ok, lets hope the lag doesnt cooperate
[12:15] ***SS***: Congratulations, Dom!
[12:15] Dominic Rahja: I got quite some chatlag as well
[12:15] Pirate Russell: This IS HoV! he he
[12:15] ***BM***: popular place an a lot of people
[12:15] Dominic Rahja: lemme start to teel you something about My motivation to teach
[12:15] Dominic Rahja: Ive been teaching BDSM and D/s for a year now
[12:16] Dominic Rahja: and believeit or not, Im a teacher in RL as well
[12:16] Dominic Rahja: but students
[12:16] Dominic Rahja: not BDSM lol
[12:16] Dominic Rahja: I must be a work aholic
[12:16] Dominic Rahja: anyway
[12:16] Dominic Rahja: I find it important to spread knowledge
[12:17] Dominic Rahja: and I find it very interesting to listen to your input
[12:17] Dominic Rahja: this is the first time I teach here and
[12:18] Dominic Rahja: I do like some rules of how to draw My attention soon you like to say something\
[12:18] Dominic Rahja: therefore Id like to suggest you type an @ if you got a question
[12:18] Dominic Rahja: then I stop blahbing
[12:19] Dominic Rahja: and you got the chance to say something
[12:19] Dominic Rahja: I prepare lessons well but I dont mind taking a side road if thats necessary
[12:20] Dominic Rahja: Im not a know it all, and any teacher would say he knows it all, then throw a paper aeroplane at him
[12:20] ***NZ***: smiles up to her Owner
[12:20] Dominic Rahja: greets to everyone coming in now
[12:21] Dominic Rahja: today I was thinking with what subject Id start teaching today
[12:21] Dominic Rahja: as I know HoV quite a long time
[12:21] Dominic Rahja: as a gathering and meeting place of D/s life stylers and those intersted in it
[12:21] Dominic Rahja: the best I must say (cept for its lag hehe)
[12:22] Dominic Rahja: I thought general etiquette would be a good one
[12:22] Dominic Rahja: certainly in a meeting place, social behaviour is top priority for a good atmosphere
[12:22] Dominic Rahja: btw
[12:23] Dominic Rahja: I was looking at that thing above me
[12:23] Dominic Rahja: that one there
[12:23] Dominic Rahja: I thought omg, Im not gonna be a priest
[12:23] ***MV***: lol
[12:23] ***NZ***: haa laffs
[12:23] Dominic Rahja: so Im doing My teaching here on the floor
[12:23] Dominic Rahja: same level as you are
[12:23] Dominic Rahja: cause thats how I think
[12:24] Dominic Rahja: teachers and listenrs are equal
[12:24] Dominic Rahja: we all learn from eachother
[12:24] Pirate Russell agrees, I learn way more than I teach in this place!
[12:24] Dominic Rahja: ok, I do some copying and pasting from a notecard I wrote
[12:24] Dominic Rahja: if you got a question, dont hesitate to type that @
[12:25] Dominic Rahja: GENERAL BDSM ETIQUETTE
[12:25] Dominic Rahja: There have been quite a few classes about etiquette in SL. This for a good reason.
[12:25] Dominic Rahja: Second Life is place for everybody. Every day loads of new people join.
[12:25] Dominic Rahja: This means that also new people visit BDSM places every day.
[12:26] Dominic Rahja: Most of them, and thats logic, never encountered any BDSM scene in their lives, nore ever met anyone involved in that "life style".
[12:26] Dominic Rahja: Reason enough to keep people aware of a few basic rules.
[12:26] Dominic Rahja: So often you see new people approach in the wrong way, thinking it's all about sex, and the rougher it gets the better it is.
[12:26] Dominic Rahja: btw
[12:26] Dominic Rahja: rough sex is nice
[12:27] ***LP*** smiles
[12:27] Dominic Rahja: but romance can be D/s too
[12:27] ***BM*** winks at Master
[12:27] Dominic Rahja: hehe
[12:27] Dominic Rahja: Although very annoying, you can't blame them thinking it's just a game
[12:27] Dominic Rahja: And probably for many it IS just a game.
[12:27] Dominic Rahja: No problem with that, but as soon someone gets approached who seriously is involved in a BDSM life style, then a problem may occur
[12:28] Dominic Rahja: In fact the basic rules of BDSM Etiquette do not differ so much from "normal" standards.
[12:28] ***LP***: Yes I have expirianced that
[12:28] Dominic Rahja: Growing up, we are taught the importance of etiquette - societal etiquette, business etiquette, etiquette for Grandma's house, etc.
[12:29] Dominic Rahja: here chat lag gets Me
[12:29] Dominic Rahja: lost a phrase hehe
[12:29] Dominic Rahja: ***NZ*** gimme My phrase back
[12:29] Dominic Rahja: Good etiquette is our way of showing others that we respect them.
[12:29] Dominic Rahja: In this way rules of behaviour are a common good (we all hope).
[12:30] Dominic Rahja: Strangely enough though it sometimes seems that we try to break those rules when we are in SL.
[12:30] Dominic Rahja: Surely, whatever someone does or say, we never really have to face the other.
[12:30] Dominic Rahja: Or do we in a sense?
[12:31] Dominic Rahja: Yes we do, because misbehaviour of any sort is judged upon.
[12:31] Dominic Rahja: When that happens in a RL club, you meet the club bouncer in person.
[12:31] Dominic Rahja: When that happens in SL, you meet the ban button.
[12:31] Dominic Rahja: But what we don't know is what happens between the lines.
[12:31] Dominic Rahja: And in SL that's usually the IM box.
[12:32] Dominic Rahja: You may think, no problem, I save the harassing text and report it or spread it around.
[12:32] Dominic Rahja: But then we might have to face a violence of ToS.
[12:32] Dominic Rahja: Agreed, when someone used curse words, a report would be a good way.
[12:32] Dominic Rahja: But some are skilled "mind fuckers" and maybe you really don't know what to do with it.
[12:33] Dominic Rahja: Then we got our cool feature: the voice chat.
[12:33] Dominic Rahja: How many times are you invited for a private chat by someone you never met?
[12:34] Dominic Rahja: Or maybe you get somebody joining the open voice chat you just had, in a way you don't know how to respond to, or don't know IF you should respond.
[12:34] Dominic Rahja: If you chat with a couple of friends in RL, the rest of the city doesn't hear you.
[12:34] Dominic Rahja: . But in SL they do!
[12:35] Dominic Rahja: ( if you didnt know, your voice goes all over the sim)
[12:35] Dominic Rahja: All in all, respect is the answer.
[12:35] Dominic Rahja: If we respect eachother and don't barge into eachothers lives, then we follow the Etiquette of a human comminity.
[12:35] Dominic Rahja: smiles
[12:36] Dominic Rahja looks around at all nice listeners of My lecture
[12:36] Dominic Rahja: anyone likes to react?
[12:37] Dominic Rahja: Gladly at a place like HoV, we got something like social security
[12:37] Dominic Rahja: thats not when you break a leg
[12:37] Dominic Rahja: but as soon you encounter an etiquette prob
[12:37] Dominic Rahja: you got loads of people around you , who can help you
[12:38] Dominic Rahja: thats a lot different when your walking around a place called: free sex bdsm club something
[12:38] Dominic Rahja: those kind of places got dungeon kinda tools
[12:39] Dominic Rahja: but the people in there are usually not bdsm
[12:39] Dominic Rahja: but just people looking for sex
[12:39] Dominic Rahja: noone helps you there
[12:39] Dominic Rahja: of course if you are mouthy
[12:39] Dominic Rahja: that helps a lot
[12:39] Dominic Rahja: but many submissives arent that mouthy
[12:40] Dominic Rahja: not when its about being harassed
[12:40] Dominic Rahja: I'll mention a couple of basic BDSM Etiquette rules:
[12:40] Dominic Rahja: SAFE, SANE AND CONSENSUAL
[12:40] Dominic Rahja: If you are new to the Lifestyle, expect to hear this phrase over and over.
[12:41] Dominic Rahja: What "safe, sane and consensual" basically means is that you take precautions to prevent accidents, you don't do anything that is obviously dangerous,
[12:41] Dominic Rahja: and you know your play partner and negotiate in advance what activities you are willing to engage in.
[12:41] Dominic Rahja: It also means the defining and using of safe words during play.
[12:42] Dominic Rahja: Safe, sane and consensual means no one is ever obligated to do anything they don't want to,
[12:42] Dominic Rahja: even if it was something they previously agreed to
[12:42] Dominic Rahja: Anyone who does not live up to this standard is not safe to play with.
[12:42] Dominic Rahja: NEW TO THE LIFESTYLE
[12:43] Dominic Rahja: We're all just people. Don't be afraid.
[12:43] Dominic Rahja: We have jobs and families and homes.
[12:43] Dominic Rahja: Those of us active in the Lifestyle vary in our level of involvement.
[12:43] Dominic Rahja: For some, BDSM is a fun, sexy thing to do.
[12:44] Dominic Rahja: For others, it is a journey that encompasses their entire lives.
[12:44] Dominic Rahja: Most players are somewhere in between.
[12:44] Dominic Rahja: Like the rest of the world, most of us are pretty nice most of the time.
[12:44] Dominic Rahja: Sometimes we act rude or angry and get to apologize later, like everybody else.
[12:45] Dominic Rahja: ( and this can happen if you watch a scene)
[12:45] Dominic Rahja: And, as will happen in life, sometimes you meet someone who is just a jerk.
[12:45] Dominic Rahja: Don't worry about it. Feel free to be yourself and not live up to what you think others expect of you. We're just people only kinky!
[12:45] Dominic Rahja: (cept of course if an encounter really hurts your emotions)
[12:46] Dominic Rahja: COMMON COURTESY PLEASE... UNTIL NEGOTIATED OTHERWISE
[12:46] Dominic Rahja: Respect eachothers way of speech, hehaviour and habbits.
[12:46] Dominic Rahja: We are all on equal ground until we negotiate otherwise.
[12:47] Dominic Rahja: Some players particularly enjoy the role-play of Master and slave.
[12:47] Dominic Rahja: However, it is presumptuous and rude to treat everyone as if they are "in role."
[12:47] Dominic Rahja: Just because someone is a submissive, it doesn't make him or her your submissive.
[12:47] Dominic Rahja: If you haven't negotiated with someone then neither of you has any right to give orders or any obligation to take them.
[12:47] ***BM*** agrees completely
[12:47] Dominic Rahja: thanks ***BM***
[12:48] ***BM*** grins
[12:48] Dominic Rahja: And it goes both ways.
[12:48] Dominic Rahja: Kneeling at the feet of someone who hasn't asked you to can be every bit as imposing and offensive as being ordered around by some pushy Master or Mistress you met two minutes ago.
[12:48] Dominic Rahja: DO UNTO OTHERS
[12:48] Dominic Rahja: There is a classic BDSM proverb: Don't piss on someone else's kink.
[12:49] Dominic Rahja: It is generally considered bad form to trash or judge someone else's turn-on.
[12:49] Dominic Rahja: At various parties we all see many players and many scenes, some more extreme than others.
[12:49] Dominic Rahja: Some scenes we witness may arouse us, while others may disturb us.
[12:49] Dominic Rahja: However, we all come to the Community looking for acceptance and support in our Lifestyle.
[12:50] Dominic Rahja: It is counter to our cause to find fault in others for taking pleasure in things we do not.
[12:50] Dominic Rahja: LOOK...DON'T TOUCH
[12:50] Dominic Rahja: In the context of the Lifestyle, it is often considered rude to touch another person or their toys and equipment without first receiving permission.
[12:50] Dominic Rahja: This can be of particular importance if it involves a collared submissive, but is basic etiquette for everyone.
[12:51] Dominic Rahja: . Physical contact can be very powerful and personal. If unwelcome, it is violating.
[12:51] Dominic Rahja: PLAY NICE!
[12:51] Dominic Rahja: The guidelines above are a very broad, general view of basic BDSM etiquette.
[12:51] Dominic Rahja: Everyone should know that it is acceptable for anyone, of any orientation,
[12:52] Dominic Rahja: to take a fellow member aside and let them know when they are not behaving appropriately.
[12:52] Dominic Rahja: smiles
[12:52] Dominic Rahja: any questions or remarks?
[12:52] Dominic Rahja: For many this all probably doesnt sound new
[12:53] Pirate Russell: @ Comment
[12:53] Dominic Rahja: but still we encounter bad etiquette all the time
[12:53] Dominic Rahja: yes pirate
[12:54] Pirate Russell: "Common Courtsey" isn't so common anymore, and while we shouldn't do things to annoy others, W/we need a thick skin to protect us from the dumb masses. Don't let them rain on O/our parades!
[12:54] Dominic Rahja: very true
[12:54] Pirate Russell: Don't let them ruin our Scenes, is more to the point
[12:55] Dominic Rahja: I grew up in the sixties (damn old) that time etiquette was taught in a very similar way
[12:55] Dominic Rahja: we were look alikes
[12:55] Dominic Rahja: the younger generation ( damn Im still old) grew up different
[12:55] Dominic Rahja: we cant expect everybody to have the same manners
[12:56] Dominic Rahja: still
[12:56] Dominic Rahja: we all visit a pub
[12:56] Dominic Rahja: clubs
[12:56] Dominic Rahja: etc
[12:56] Dominic Rahja: and we know what is ok to say or do
[12:56] Dominic Rahja: and what not
[12:56] Dominic Rahja: its a bid awkward when people think they can act duifferent in a sl club
[12:56] Dominic Rahja: still, again
[12:57] Pirate Russell: (kid)
[12:57] Dominic Rahja: everybody of us encounters it
[12:57] Dominic Rahja: Mistresses and Master, they know their word
[12:57] Dominic Rahja: ususally that is
[12:57] Dominic Rahja: submissives however can get hurted
[12:58] Dominic Rahja: when they got an owner, they can talk with them about it
[12:58] Dominic Rahja: but if not, then it gets difficult
[12:58] Dominic Rahja: maybe another sub friend
[12:58] Dominic Rahja: a sis or a bro
[12:58] Dominic Rahja: or
[12:58] Dominic Rahja: maybe a Dominant you trust in this
[12:59] Dominic Rahja: a fact is however
[12:59] Dominic Rahja: ( and this goes for the girls mainly)
[12:59] Dominic Rahja: when u get IMs like; hey hot babe I wanna fuck your submissive ass
[12:59] Dominic Rahja: first time you are shocked
[12:59] Dominic Rahja: 2nd time u get mad
[13:00] Dominic Rahja: but after 20 times you cry
[13:00] Dominic Rahja: a thick skin helps yes
[13:00] Dominic Rahja: but not everybody got one
[13:00] ***MV***: cry?
[13:00] Dominic Rahja: cry of anger
[13:00] Dominic Rahja: fristration maybe
[13:00] Dominic Rahja: just thinking why o why do they think a sub is an easy catch
[13:01] Dominic Rahja: know what I mean?
[13:01] ***ES*** giggles.
[13:01] Dominic Rahja: in fact its an insult to submissiveness
[13:01] ***MV***: not realy.. maybe its just me.. but those guys are realy easy to handle .. you get very handy at it after a wile
[13:01] Dominic Rahja: because I believe submissiveness stands for courage
[13:02] Dominic Rahja: yes ***MV***, after a while in sl you do
[13:02] Dominic Rahja: but most experiences SLers
[13:02] Dominic Rahja: they already got an owner
[13:03] Dominic Rahja: ( chat lag hits in)
[13:03] ***BM*** nods smiling in agreement with ***MV***
[13:03] Dominic Rahja: and you do probably develop a thick skin
[13:03] Dominic Rahja: sometimes certain remarks can penetrate a thicker skin tho
[13:04] Dominic Rahja: ( hmm penetrate . is that the right word)
[13:04] Dominic Rahja: anyhow
[13:04] Dominic Rahja: an example:
[13:04] Dominic Rahja: you are the happy sub of a marvelous Owner
[13:04] Dominic Rahja: suddenly you get an IM
[13:05] Dominic Rahja: someone telling you he or she is a much better owner
[13:05] Dominic Rahja: or..
[13:05] ***MV***: thats just something to laugh about isnt it?
[13:05] Dominic Rahja: telling you: hey u know what..
[13:05] Dominic Rahja: I saw that master of you fucking around
[13:05] Dominic Rahja: yes indeed you laugh
[13:05] Dominic Rahja: but it can happen you start doubting
[13:06] ***LP***: I DID
[13:06] Dominic Rahja: and maybe even start checking
[13:06] ***LP***: I DID
[13:06] Dominic Rahja: I tell you..
[13:06] Dominic Rahja: one day i had an IM froma sub
[13:06] Dominic Rahja: she said: Hello Master
[13:06] Dominic Rahja: I said : what?
[13:06] Dominic Rahja: Im not your Master
[13:07] Dominic Rahja: she said: well, sorry, i thought you was my master
[13:07] Dominic Rahja: he got so many alts
[13:07] Dominic Rahja: means
[13:07] Dominic Rahja: that there are a lot of people doubting out there
[13:07] Dominic Rahja: or she was just playing Me
[13:07] Dominic Rahja: thats possible as well laffs
[13:08] Dominic Rahja: any other questions, remarks
[13:08] Dominic Rahja: smiles
[13:09] Dominic Rahja: you are sweet listeners hehe
[13:09] Dominic Rahja: in RL I teach youngsters of 20 to 25 yo
[13:09] Dominic Rahja: they always give Me a hard time
[13:09] ***NZ***: smiles up to her Owner
[13:09] Dominic Rahja: ( hard time hm)
[13:09] ***BM*** grins...I could do that
[13:09] Dominic Rahja: you know what I mean
[13:09] Dominic Rahja: laughs
[13:09] ***ES*** giggles
[13:09] Dominic Rahja: okay then
[13:10] Dominic Rahja: I hope you enjoyed My first appearance at the college of kink
[13:10] Dominic Rahja: hopefully Pirate hires Me
[13:10] ***ES*** claps paws.
[13:10] Pirate Russell: DONE DEAL, Dom!
[13:10] Dominic Rahja: if not, then I gotta take her out and buy her a drink
[13:10] ***ES*** yays.
[13:10] ***SD*** applauds - thank you!
[13:10] Dominic Rahja: smiles
[13:11] Dominic Rahja: wish you all well and
[13:11] Dominic Rahja: even if you got questions about bdsm outside this college
[13:11] ***MV***: thanks for class Dominic
[13:11] Dominic Rahja: feel free to ask
[13:11] Dominic Rahja: your welcome all
[13:11] Dominic Rahja: careful for the lag monster on your ways back home
[13:11] Dominic Rahja: :)