Communication Ain't For Sissies - 6/1/09

[2009/06/01 12:20] Pirate Russell: AMD dropped driver support for My ATI Radeon card right as I upgraded My linux! he he
[2009/06/01 12:20] Pirate Russell: Anyway, let's get this goat-rope started!
[2009/06/01 12:20] Pirate Russell: OK, those that will, please turn off any radars, MystiTools, etc., to help with the Horrendous lag
[2009/06/01 12:20] Pirate Russell: Please take all cross talk to IM, and all collar, etc commands to the secondary channels!
[2009/06/01 12:20] Pirate Russell: Welcome to House of V's College of Kink! As most of y'all know, My name is Pirate Russell, Head Mistress of the College, and today's instructor. I have been in SL for 3 1/2 years, a lesbian Domme, the entire time.
[2009/06/01 12:21] Pirate Russell: For any that need to leave early, all transcripts can be found at http://collegeofkink.blogspot.com
[2009/06/01 12:21] Pirate Russell: And Dominic has a GREAT system, if you have a question at anytime, hit the Ampersand @ and I'll see it, and call on ya!
[2009/06/01 12:21] Pirate Russell: Franklin Veaux's Journal...the color of television, tuned to a dead channel. by Tacet
[2009/06/01 12:22] Pirate Russell: How to Have a Happy Relationship
[2009/06/01 12:22] Pirate Russell: It seems to me that a lot of basic ideas behind happy, healthy relationships are often considered “advanced,” and seem to take rather a lot more time to learn than perhaps they really ought to.
[2009/06/01 12:22] Pirate Russell: At least, they sometimes did for your humble scribe. Ahem.
[2009/06/01 12:22] Pirate Russell: And that's not Me... he he
[2009/06/01 12:22] Pirate Russell: So, in the interests of spreading the wealth (because experience is the best teacher, but sometimes the tuition is very high), I present Relationship Ideas That Should Be Obvious But Aren’t.
[2009/06/01 12:22] Pirate Russell: ~You can’t expect to have what you want if you don’t ask for what you want.
[2009/06/01 12:23] Pirate Russell: This is arguably one of the most basic rules for all of life, yet it’s surprising how often we forget.
[2009/06/01 12:23] Pirate Russell: There’s almost no greater recipe for emotional turmoil then wanting something or harboring some expectation, not telling anyone about it, and then not getting it.
[2009/06/01 12:23] Pirate Russell: Next time you get really, really upset about some desire or expectation not being met, stop and ask yourself: “Did I actually let the people around me know about it?”
[2009/06/01 12:23] Pirate Russell: Here’s a tip: Dropping hints about what you want doesn’t count. Neither does wishing really hard. Nor waiting for the folks around you to become telepathic.
[2009/06/01 12:24] Pirate Russell: ~If all of your relationships go pear-shaped in the same exact way and end badly in the same exact way, then maybe it’s because of something you’re doing.
[2009/06/01 12:24] Pirate Russell: Seriously. The one common element in all your relationship failures is you. Someone cheat on you? Well, that sucks, but it happens. Every single person you ever date in your life cheat on you? You’re attracted to folks who cheat.
[2009/06/01 12:24] Pirate Russell: If all of your relationships end the same way, maybe it’s time to step back and take a good, hard look at the kinds of folks you’re attracted to.
[2009/06/01 12:25] Pirate Russell: ~If you find that sex always becomes boring after a while in all your relationships, maybe it’s because you’re choosing to let it.
[2009/06/01 12:25] Pirate Russell: There’s a lot of fun you can have in (and out) of the bedroom.
[2009/06/01 12:25] Pirate Russell: The total range of the human sexual experience is breathtaking–so much so that if you lived to be a thousand years old and did something different in bed every night for that entire thousand years, you’d still never have time to do it all. Seriously.
[2009/06/01 12:25] ***KG*** rests her head on her Masters knee and listens
[2009/06/01 12:25] Pirate Russell: If you find that your sex life keeps getting stuck in a rut, maybe it’s time to explore something new.
[2009/06/01 12:26] Pirate Russell: A sure way to make yourself crazy and have a boring sex life is to keep worrying about whether trying something new would be “too weird.”
[2009/06/01 12:26] Pirate Russell: The expression “That’s too weird” has done more to advance the cause of boring sex than all the world’s religions combined.
[2009/06/01 12:27] Pirate Russell: ~Going into a relationship with the expectation that you can get your partner to change is quite likely to end in tears.
[2009/06/01 12:27] Pirate Russell: Now, don’t get me wrong–people can and do change. In fact, change is the one constant in life. I’m not the person I was five years ago, and if you’re doing this properly, you aren’t either.
[2009/06/01 12:27] Pirate Russell: But expecting that a person will change in the ways that you want him to, because you want him to, is setting yourself up for suck and fail. Fixer-upper relationships usually don’t work.
[2009/06/01 12:27] Pirate Russell: And if you go into things thinking “Oh, I can fix him!” you just might find your ship of enthusiasm foundering on the shoals of the fact that maybe he likes being the way he is.
[2009/06/01 12:28] Pirate Russell: A relationship in which you say “This relationship is absolutely wonderful except for…” is not absolutely wonderful. Especially when the part that comes after the “except for…” is something so horrifying it’d make most folks run for the hill
[2009/06/01 12:28] Pirate Russell: This relationship is wonderful except for the fact that we’re completely incompatible in bed.
[2009/06/01 12:28] Pirate Russell: This relationship is wonderful except for the fact that she keeps forgetting to take her meds.
[2009/06/01 12:28] Pirate Russell: This relationship is wonderful except for the fact that he can’t talk honestly about his feelings.
[2009/06/01 12:28] Pirate Russell: Look out!
[2009/06/01 12:28] Pirate Russell: For maximum effect, try combining “this relationship is wonderful except for…” with “…but I know I can change him” and double your suck!
[2009/06/01 12:29] Pirate Russell: ~A partner who is kind to you but not kind to the waitress isn’t a kind person.
[2009/06/01 12:29] Pirate Russell: Seriously. The fact that he’s kind to you might just mean that he wants something from you. (Or that you’re not his property…yet.
[2009/06/01 12:29] Pirate Russell: Marry that person who’s nice to you but not nice to the waitress and you might just find that once the ring is on your finger, he may start treating you like the waitress. Or worse.)
[2009/06/01 12:29] Pirate Russell: The way a person treats the folks around him reveals a lot about his true self. Pay attention.
[2009/06/01 12:29] Pirate Russell: ~It is possible to deeply, profoundly, genuinely, truly love someone, and yet that person might still not be a good partner for you.
[2009/06/01 12:30] Pirate Russell: It takes more than love to make a relationship work.
[2009/06/01 12:30] Pirate Russell: A person you love, but who is incompatible with you, or who lacks good relationship skills, or who can’t communicate with you, is not going to make for a functional, healthy relationship.
[2009/06/01 12:30] Pirate Russell: Love and five bucks will get you a cup of coffee. Or, to put it more scientifically, love is necessary but not sufficient, no matter how many Disney movies and romantic comedies say otherwise.
[2009/06/01 12:30] Pirate Russell: Though really, if you’re taking your cues on relationship from Disney movies and romantic comedies, there’s probably little that I or anyone else can do.
[2009/06/01 12:31] Pirate Russell: ~Find a way to build a friendship with that person that honors and respects that love without trying to turn it into something unsustainable and you’ll do okay. And as a corollary:
[2009/06/01 12:31] Pirate Russell: Being in love with someone doesn’t mean you HAVE to be in a relationship with that person.
[2009/06/01 12:31] Pirate Russell: Seriously. You have a choice. You can love someone, and acknowledge that love, and still choose not to be romantically involved with that person.
[2009/06/01 12:31] Pirate Russell: That’s one of the cool things about being a human being You get to choose.
[2009/06/01 12:32] Pirate Russell: You can’t have intimacy without sharing. If you spend your time hiding things from your partner, or worrying about whether or not you can share something with your partner, you’re not going to have an intimate relationship.
[2009/06/01 12:32] Pirate Russell: Everything you conceal from your partner undermines the foundation of intimacy upon which relationships are built.
[2009/06/01 12:32] Pirate Russell: No, that doesn’t mean telling your partner every time you take a dump (and why is it that folks who don’t cotton to sharing and openness always reach for that example?).
[2009/06/01 12:32] Pirate Russell: But it does mean sharing everything that’s important, significant, or meaningful. Even if it’s uncomfortable.
[2009/06/01 12:33] Pirate Russell: Maybe ESPECIALLY if it's uncomfortable
[2009/06/01 12:33] Pirate Russell: Especially if it’s uncomfortable, because the fact that it’s uncomfortable probably means there’s something important lurking in there. Communication ain’t for sissies.
[2009/06/01 12:33] Pirate Russell: What you get out depends on what you put in. Approach every new partner with fear and suspicion, and you’ll have fearful, suspicious partners.
[2009/06/01 12:33] Pirate Russell: Te best way to have a friend is to be a friend.
[2009/06/01 12:33] Pirate Russell: The best way to have people around you who have compassion and integrity is to be a person with compassion and integrity.
[2009/06/01 12:33] Pirate Russell: The best way to fill your life with suck and fail is to fill other people’s lives with suck and fail.
[2009/06/01 12:34] Pirate Russell: You know that saying “opposites attract”? It’s rubbish. Honest people look for, and attract, other honest people.
[2009/06/01 12:34] Pirate Russell: ~A person who has cheated on someone else to be with you cannot be trusted not to cheat on you to be with someone else.
[2009/06/01 12:34] Pirate Russell: No, you’re not different.
[2009/06/01 12:34] Pirate Russell: You’re not a rare and unique flower, so totally set apart from that shrill, obnoxious harpy that he’s with right now.
[2009/06/01 12:34] Pirate Russell: You know how he tells you that you’re so much better than that monster he’s hooked up with?
[2009/06/01 12:34] Pirate Russell: I bet he says the same thing about you to the other person he’s shagging. You know, the one that neither you nor his other partner knows about.
[2009/06/01 12:35] Pirate Russell: ~Be wary of a person who trashes all their exes in front of you, for someday you’ll likely be on that list yourself.
[2009/06/01 12:35] Pirate Russell: You know that person with the long list of former partners, all of whom were shrill, obnoxious harpies?
[2009/06/01 12:35] Pirate Russell: Does something seem odd about that list to you?
[2009/06/01 12:35] Pirate Russell: Best case scenario, it means he keeps getting involved with the same sorts of people again and again, and doesn’t learn anything from any of those experiences.
[2009/06/01 12:35] Pirate Russell: What do you reckon that says about you?
[2009/06/01 12:36] Pirate Russell: Worst case scenario, it’s a clear sign of someone who doesn’t take responsibility for his own part in all those past train wrecks.
[2009/06/01 12:36] Pirate Russell: Which means he ain’t learning from any of them. Which means…you’re the next train wreck.
[2009/06/01 12:36] Pirate Russell: What do you suppose he’ll say about you to the train wreck that follows after you?
[2009/06/01 12:36] Pirate Russell: ~Tell the truth from the start, and you won’t have to worry about any nasty revelations down the road.
[2009/06/01 12:36] Pirate Russell: Especially about things you worry might scare her off. Seriously, if the truth about you makes you incompatible as a romantic partner, you want to scare her off.
[2009/06/01 12:37] Pirate Russell: You’re bisexual but your new love interest hates gays?
[2009/06/01 12:37] Pirate Russell: You fancy country music and your partner would rather die than listen to it?
[2009/06/01 12:37] Pirate Russell: Hiding those things doesn’t help your cause; it merely makes the blowup that much more dramatic when the truth comes out.
[2009/06/01 12:37] Pirate Russell: Which it will, eventually.
[2009/06/01 12:37] Pirate Russell: ~Be honest, be true to who you are, and you won’t have to worry about what happens if you slip up.
[2009/06/01 12:37] Pirate Russell: On the other hand, make yourself seem like something you’re not, even if it’s to make yourself seem more attractive to the other person
[2009/06/01 12:37] Pirate Russell: (hell, especially if it’s to make yourself seem more attractive to the other person!) is going to end badly, sooner or later. I promise.
[2009/06/01 12:38] Pirate Russell: .
[2009/06/01 12:38] Pirate Russell: Citation: http://tacit.livejournal.com/280915.html?view=3415123
[2009/06/01 12:38] Pirate Russell: All transcripts can be found at http://collegeofkink.blogspot.com
[2009/06/01 12:38] Pirate Russell: College of Kink classes are always posted in "Search" go to Events and type in the word College
[2009/06/01 12:38] Pirate Russell: Questions? Comments???
[2009/06/01 12:38] Pirate Russell: SpeakEasy HUD detaching...
[2009/06/01 12:39] ***KG*** shakes her head and smiles
[2009/06/01 12:39] ***IM***: girl thinks the first one, the hoping for things without letting anyone know, is very important for subs in a D/s relationship.
[2009/06/01 12:39] ***XD***: its al lgood advice
[2009/06/01 12:39] Pirate Russell: And to Dominants, too, treasure
[2009/06/01 12:39] ***XD***: yes
[2009/06/01 12:39] Pirate Russell: how many times have We epxected subs to KNOW what We want?
[2009/06/01 12:40] ***KG***: and more so hoping they will know you dont want/like something without telling
[2009/06/01 12:40] ***XD***: sometimes its hard when you find a sub who is robotlike and you have to drag out of them what they like want and need from you
[2009/06/01 12:40] Pirate Russell: Yes, most of that could/SHOULD happen in the begining of the relationship when you talk about what you want from it
[2009/06/01 12:40] ***MH***: It can be hard to open up to a new Master if your previous one taught you not to communicate.
[2009/06/01 12:41] ***IM***: Why would a master do that?
[2009/06/01 12:41] ***XD***: yeah
[2009/06/01 12:41] Pirate Russell: yes, that's true, I've had to 'order' My girls to talk on occasion
[2009/06/01 12:41] ***PD***: it can also go the same way. How can a sub 'ask' for things thet we need. it can be hard at times
[2009/06/01 12:42] ***XD***: i think its a big problem in bdsm relationships.. i see it often
[2009/06/01 12:42] ***MH***: I was shut down for 10 yrs in RL & still find it hard to open up & communicate.
[2009/06/01 12:43] ***zA***: bye eveery one
[2009/06/01 12:43] ***MH***: bye Zoc
[2009/06/01 12:43] Pirate Russell was in a marriage like that, it get's old when you're 'always wrong'
[2009/06/01 12:43] ***XD***: Bye ***zA***
[2009/06/01 12:43] ***PD*** waves
[2009/06/01 12:43] Pirate Russell: Bye, z, be well
[2009/06/01 12:43] ***MH***: Yes that's what it was Pirate & I was always wrong so soon didn't talk
[2009/06/01 12:44] ***PD***: I'm lucky, Sir makes me talk. But sometimes I have to double check to see if he actually 'heard' what I said
[2009/06/01 12:45] Pirate Russell: This Marriage, and with all My girls, and SL wife, the all know about My computer issues, hell that My septic tank needs pumping! he he
[2009/06/01 12:45] ***XD***: lol
[2009/06/01 12:45] Pirate Russell: See, ***XD***, I'm realy not full of shit! LOL
[2009/06/01 12:45] ***IM*** giggles
[2009/06/01 12:45] ***XD***: I tell my boy everything too and always encourage him to talk
[2009/06/01 12:45] ***XD***: haha
[2009/06/01 12:45] ***MH***: I have a new Master & I'm working on communicating better.
[2009/06/01 12:46] Pirate Russell: First, ***MH***, CONGRATS!
[2009/06/01 12:46] ***MH***: thank you *smile*
[2009/06/01 12:46] Pirate Russell: Second, it's so worth it, isn't it treasure?
[2009/06/01 12:46] ***XD***: It was hard to get him to open up at first after all the FemDom trainig drilled into his head.. but now hes a lot of fun to be around and I learn he has a quirky sense of humor
[2009/06/01 12:46] ***IM***: Yes, Mistress.
[2009/06/01 12:47] Pirate Russell: IF I wanted robots, I'd be playing differently, I LOVE My girls for their personalities as much as for their submission
[2009/06/01 12:47] ***XD***: nods and agrees
[2009/06/01 12:47] ***XD***: thats how i feel about it too
[2009/06/01 12:48] Hekate Solo is Offline
[2009/06/01 12:48] ***MH***: Yes my Master is patient with me & doesn't want a robot either.
[2009/06/01 12:48] Pirate Russell: And if they were all identical, all but one would be expendable
[2009/06/01 12:48] ***PD*** stands and brushes off her skirts...I'm being requested. Thank you, Miss :-)
[2009/06/01 12:48] ***IM***: Bye Pais.
[2009/06/01 12:49] ***MH***: bye Paisley :)
[2009/06/01 12:49] ***XD***: bye Paisley
[2009/06/01 12:49] Pirate Russell: Thanks for coming by, ***PD***
[2009/06/01 12:49] ***PD*** smiles and poofs
[2009/06/01 12:49] ***MH***: ohh chat lag
[2009/06/01 12:49] ***KG***: i almost must leave ...thankyou for the wonderful advice Miss