Sex, Lies and Role Playing: Truth and Fiction in Online D/s - 2/16/09

[7:12] Zealot Benmergui: Welcome A/all to the House of V’s College of Kink. My name is Zealot Benmergui, Baron BardHaven and I will be your host today. Some of you may know me from lecturing here at House of V and other locations around the grid, or from my role in the educational cartoon “Jesus' Magic Rooster: A Boy's First Erection ” in which I voiced the characters of The Spirit of Inappropriate Arousal and Anna Nicole Smith.
[7:13] Zealot Benmergui: The topic for today is "Sex, Lies and Role Playing: Truth and Fiction in Online D/s". We will be discussing the different approaches and mindsets that can be found in Online D/s and examine ways to balance them, or at least to find the approach that is best for you. Please note that for the purpose of clarity, I will tend to use “she” to refer to a submissive and “he” to refer to a Dominant, but either can be of any gender. Your humble lecturer WILL accept tips, but they must be paid to me directly, if you are so inclined, thank you.
[7:13] Zealot Benmergui: Pay me, to keep me off the streets
[7:13] ***RM*** snickers
[7:13] ***SL***: this is good advice
[7:14] Zealot Benmergui: Before we get too far into today’s topic, I wish to examine the term “Role Playing” a little bit. It is one of the most misunderstood phrases one can find in SL D/s, surpassed only by “Exclusive” and “U get on voice yes, cam ok?”. When in doubt about such things, it is always best to go to the experts. According to the Random House Dictionary, there are two definitions of role playing. The first they list is: “A method of instruction or psychotherapy aimed at changing attitudes and behavior, in which participants act out designated roles relevant to real-life situations”.
[7:15] Zealot Benmergui: That rings a few bells, but doesn;t seem to be much room for fucking in there
[7:15] ***MZ***: laughing
[7:15] ***MM***: although...SL needs more psychotherapy!
[7:15] ***SL***: i need a shrink
[7:15] ***MM*** shrinks Seks
[7:16] ***SL*** cums
[7:16] ***MZ***: lol
[7:16] Zealot Benmergui: OK, let’s look at the second definition. “The modifying of a person's behavior to accord with a desired personal image, as to impress others or conform to a particular environment.” MUCH closer I think to the standard usage in SL, and has the added benefit of sounding so much more socially acceptable then “Likes to pretend he is a "Lizard in a rocket Suit trying to pimp two awfully skanky newbs and a pony named Rex”.
[7:16] ***MM***: awww I love the lizard!
[7:16] ***SL***: lizard!
[7:16] Zealot Benmergui: I still dream about him, and that voice....
[7:16] ***SL***: mmhmm ya'll
[7:16] ***MM***: I bet he has nightmares of us
[7:16] Zealot Benmergui: "Cmon folks tip these hard workin' gurrrlllssssss
[7:16] ***RM***: My SL is so boring..
[7:17] ***SL***: hang out with us Rowan. things will change
[7:17] Zealot Benmergui: The first definition, while accurate, goes into elements that are past the bounds of this lecture mainly because my brain is toooo smalllllll, but which we can examine at another time, mainly the thereputic aspects of online D/s and role playing in general...for now, we'll focus on the second definition.
[7:17] ***RM*** considers the invite
[7:17] ***SL***: :)
[7:18] Zealot Benmergui: For one thing, the second defintion sounds more like "fucking"
[7:18] ***MM***: mmm fucking
[7:18] Zealot Benmergui: So, role playing is modifying your behavior to fit a desired personal image, or a specific environment? Hell, we ALL role play then, in many if not all aspects of our RL. High School for most people, by that definition, is one long horrifyingly complex role play. So is work. So is almost every activity that involves us interacting with other people, not to mention some activities that involve cake batter or your neighbors dog, or just ourselves and the latest copy of "Chicks with Dicks and Prostetic Hands". Life itself could be seen as a series of role plays.
[7:19] Absinthe Menges is Offline
[7:19] ***SL***: mm cake
[7:19] Zealot Benmergui: If we could survive HS, the drama around this place should be no sweat whatsoever
[7:20] ***AG***d is not sure she survived high school
[7:20] Zealot Benmergui: and if some of you are still ATTENDING High School...don;t tell me, I don;t want to know...but put your panties back on
[7:20] ***MZ***: I look at RP as something completly different
[7:20] ***SL***: o.o.
[7:20] Zealot Benmergui: Yes?
[7:20] ***MZ***: In RL, I"m myself..in all that I do
[7:20] Evil Titler v2: ***SL*** needs a new title! To set it, anyone may say the text on /13.
[7:20] ***MZ***: Yes, I have a nack with others..and talking to them..interacting with thme persay
[7:21] Zealot Benmergui: when ever I nack with others someone tries to arrest me
[7:21] ***MZ***: but RP, I can do things that I might not have the oppurtunity to do in RL...or I wouldn't wish too
[7:21] ***MZ***: grins
[7:21] ***SL***: i agree with that Milana
[7:21] Evil Titler v2: No-one gave ***SL*** a new title! Sekret will stay with the existing one for a while more.
[7:21] Zealot Benmergui: That is certainly true Miss Zamani....but that could be said to be true of ALL SL, even those who swear they are not role playing
[7:22] ***MZ***: I use RP as finding out what makes me tingle...or not...
[7:22] ***MZ***: Yes Sir, that is so true
[7:22] ***SL*** likes to tingle
[7:22] ***MZ***: laughs...
[7:22] ***MZ***: don't we all
[7:22] ***SL***: arent we rping now?
[7:22] Zealot Benmergui: nods...Indeed...but at least for this lecture, RP is referring to something a little further from yourself..not just trying new things, but being a new thing...or things...
[7:23] ***MZ***: this is true...it is trying something new...
[7:23] ***MZ***: and if I am rp'ing now, I"m way off base...this is me..straight forward and a desire to learn
[7:24] ***MZ***: I guess we all have a different consept of RP then, which is fine with me....smiles
[7:24] ***SL*** pinches Alexi's butt
[7:24] Zealot Benmergui: Thatis pretty accurate for most people in day to day SL...I tend to consider it less RPing and more Themeing..yourself, just more naked.
[7:24] ***AD*** grunts in protests and jumps up a bit.
[7:24] ***SL***: did someone ask me to get naked?
[7:24] Zealot Benmergui: Down Seks
[7:25] Zealot Benmergui: So why then do people become so concerned about Role Playing in online D/s? After all, consider the fact that most online couples are NOT in the same physical space while they are together in SL (though I have known some that DO log on from two computers, on opposite sides of the room, and then cyber…but they SCARE me)
[7:25] ***MZ***: grins, that would just give it a different twist, or flavor
[7:26] ***VS***: that's useful for didsabled people
[7:26] ***MZ***: of course it is..or useful to others for different reasons
[7:26] Zealot Benmergui: At least a certain amount of role play is required to have any sort of relationship at all. Do, not everyone likes to role play that they are Gorean Slaver lost in Akron Ohio on Thanksgiving, or a Giant Penis with Feet named Stuart, or just the opposite gender…but we are all playing at least some small element of a character when we are in second life.
[7:26] Zealot Benmergui: That to me is Themeing..sort of RP, sort of not.
[7:27] ***SL***: hmm.
[7:27] Zealot Benmergui: or more traditional thermaputic role play
[7:27] ***MZ***: Yes, that would be the extreme to me
[7:27] ***SL*** wants to got o Gor
[7:27] ***SL***: go to even
[7:27] ***MZ***: wrinkles my nose at gor
[7:27] ***MM***: what SEks does there isn't role play.....
[7:27] Zealot Benmergui: "Now, lets role play the scene where your boy freind takes all your money and steals your car..only this time, you shoot him"
[7:27] ***MZ***: been there done that..grins...not me...
[7:27] ***SL***: shhh Mali. dont give my grand plan away!
[7:27] ***RM***: hahahaha
[7:28] ***MZ***: listens
[7:28] ***SL***: okay okay. so i like to make the men there break the rules. it's my job
[7:29] Zealot Benmergui: That is the same thing that got you excummunicated Seks...making men break rules...
[7:29] Zealot Benmergui: Can;t even take you to Mass anymore
[7:29] ***SL***: they kicked me out of the nunnery too
[7:29] ***MM*** falls over laughing
[7:29] ***SL*** grins
[7:29] ***MM***: that's not role play either....it's delusion
[7:29] Zealot Benmergui: We have to take as a given that what we describe in words, or act out on a pose ball, is going to be seen and interpreted by the person we are with no different then if they were watching a film...the difference is of course that what they are seeing here is interactive...still role playing, but with ties to reality that aren't found in most D & D sessions.
[7:29] ***MZ***: nods
[7:30] Zealot Benmergui: Actually it was 5 Hail Marys and 4 Stations of the Cross....and a trip to Lourdes. But who was counting. Father Donovon was feeling no pain
[7:30] ***MZ***: am soooo over pose ball sex
[7:30] ***SL***: go team!
[7:31] Zealot Benmergui: It is easy to forget that however when one is immersed in an intense emotional connection in Second Life. It seems just perfectly natural that the object of your undying affection is a man sized potato bug with 4 rotating vaginas and a taste for strawberries. That kind of thing is accepted as a given.
[7:31] ***SL***: mm strawberreis
[7:31] ***AD*** pictured vagina's rotating like rims on a car.
[7:31] ***SL***: want a see Alexi?
[7:32] Zealot Benmergui: The problem comes in when emotions get involved. Many people have trouble understanding HOW the emotions you feel about your"Big Old Bug of Suction LUVVVVVVV" can be at all real. After all, it is a ROLE PLAYING GAME. Isn’t attaching emotions of love and lust to such a think sort of insane. How is this different then the freaks who change their legal name to Obi-Wan Aragorn Shwartzman?
[7:32] Zealot Benmergui: Of course, there will always be those who take advantage of the virtual nature of online worlds. Pretending to be someone in RL that they aren’t, or using the concept of role playing and avatars to excuse acting like an ass, but then, people tend to do that in the real world all the time as well, with no excuse that they are playing the role of Mistress Silkythighs Mancrusher, Free Woman of Gor.
[7:32] ***MZ***: because in D/s, the mind is involved..it is not just an RP thing
[7:33] Zealot Benmergui: Human interaction on any level is about presenting a certain face or aspect of your personality…in SL, we just do that more obviously..and with more talkative genitals.
[7:33] ***MZ***: as well as in Gor..the mind is involved...
[7:33] ***SL***: i often tell people i'm the Queen of England IRL
[7:33] Zealot Benmergui: Ideally that is true Miss Zamani, but I have seen people once or twice involved in D/s whose mind was not involved, or even actually inside their body at the time.
[7:33] ***MZ***: sub space..nods...
[7:34] Zealot Benmergui: or just realllly stupid
[7:34] ***MZ***: well, I don't deal well with stupid...grins
[7:34] Zealot Benmergui: You mean you...aren;t...Seks?
[7:34] ***SL***: oh no. i told you that, didnt i? argh!
[7:34] Zealot Benmergui: So much for my knighthood...shit, I got pegged for NOTING
[7:35] Zealot Benmergui: *NOTHING
[7:35] ***SL***: yes. it was made up. sorry.
[7:35] ***MM***: mmm pegs
[7:35] Zealot Benmergui: Bitch
[7:35] Zealot Benmergui: So anyway, How then does one deal with this conflict...the fact that online D/s tends to be real emotions in a fictional reality? Can it be done? Many people say we can;t, and are deluding ourselves to think this is anything more then a game...like jerking off during a game of Clue. Sick and sad, no matter how freakin Hot Miss Scarlett looks.
[7:36] ***SL*** laughs
[7:36] Zealot Benmergui: And it ruins the little evnvelops for the cards
[7:36] ***RM*** also laughs
[7:36] Zealot Benmergui: I have found that there is usually no way to convince people who don;t get it about the power or relevency to emotions you feel here. It is like teaching a dog to wear a hat. You can, but they don;t like it..and will eventually just slobber on it anyway
[7:37] Zealot Benmergui: Best to focus on how you yourself can navigate the fine line between role playing and emotional reality in Online D/s. First and foremost, it is important to keep in mind that there IS a line.
[7:37] ***MZ***: That is harder then one thinks...
[7:37] Zealot Benmergui: Many relationships in SL ARE just about the role play...Someone just has a thing for being told what to do by a dwarf with a mullet wearing a sailor suit and lambskin chaps.
[7:38] ***AD*** snickers.
[7:38] Zealot Benmergui: Acxtually, most women say that very few things in Sl are as hard as they think they are
[7:38] Zealot Benmergui: or as big
[7:38] ***SL***: i love mullets
[7:38] ***MM***: I love hard
[7:38] Zealot Benmergui: I love lambskin
[7:39] ***SL***: RAWR
[7:39] ***AG***d loves BIG>............
[7:39] ***MM***: is it time for group sex yet?
[7:39] Zealot Benmergui: Anyway, relationships like that are great, and wonderful, and perfectly viable...never talk down the value of such things just for the fun of it...noone HAS to fill their online relationships with emotion and angst and whatnot....there is a place in SL for sheer wanking material.
[7:39] Zealot Benmergui: Soon lover...soon...go ahead and start up the generators
[7:39] ***MM*** laughs
[7:39] ***SL*** revs up the chain saw
[7:40] ***MM*** moves away from Sekret
[7:40] Zealot Benmergui: To say such casual relationships don;t matter or are wrong is just as dangerous to assume that ALL the people you meet are just as emotionally connected to this as you are.
[7:40] ***SL*** grins evil and looks at Alexi
[7:40] Zealot Benmergui: During the Group Sex portion of the evening, foreplay will be provided by Black and Decker
[7:40] ***AD*** kicks it from underneath so it may have a chance of slamming int oher forehead?
[7:41] ***SL***: you are mean to me.
[7:41] ***AD***: You love it, now hush.
[7:41] ***SL*** rps
[7:41] Zealot Benmergui: For me, the essential rule to keep in mind..once you have FOUND the fine line between RP and RL...be sure that you and the person you are with cross it together...to many relationships end up with one person in love and the other just playing a game.
[7:41] ***FC*** snickers
[7:41] Zealot Benmergui: It is essential that before you allow yourself to give yourself over to emotion, you make sure that the target of your ardor isn;t just here because their WoW server is down.
[7:42] ***SL***: hence the dwarf mention
[7:42] Zealot Benmergui: mmmm dwarves
[7:42] ***MM***: night elfs are hot
[7:42] Zealot Benmergui: Once you have defined the limnits of the role play, and are reasonably certain that the other person is also connected to the emotion, and not just the game....this is where the real caution needs to begin.
[7:42] ***SL***: Mali is geeking out on us!
[7:43] Zealot Benmergui: It is also where the role play can become tremendously useful...Commedians will use smoking as a way to time their jokes...gag, smoke during laughter, another gag...Porn stars will use the dialog about wanting to become a supermodel along with their 4 sorority sisters to break up the fucking...
[7:43] Zealot Benmergui: Role playing can be used to slow down and focus online relationshiops, which can very easily run wild due to the immediacy of the medium
[7:43] Zealot Benmergui: Mali, I would so fuck you as a gnome
[7:43] ***MM*** laughs
[7:44] Zealot Benmergui: We all know how fast things move online, and how you can go from meeting someone to being their soulmate in about 10 minutes
[7:44] ***MM***: um...like you wouldn't fuck me as anything Master?
[7:44] Zealot Benmergui: well...d'uh
[7:44] Zealot Benmergui: Role playing can be used to impose a certain amount of leisure..caution..it gives you something to do...It can give you a way to get to know the other person in a more convnetional way then the normal brainsucking that happens in SL
[7:45] ***BB***: define brainsucking, Sir?
[7:45] Zealot Benmergui: MY last rule for role playing effectively in a D/s environment is this...
[7:45] Zealot Benmergui: Brainsucking...meeting somone knew and within 30 minutes knowing all the tramatic stories of their lives, their loves, their hates and every deep dark secret they could never admit in rl
[7:46] ***BB***: ah ok ty Sir :)
[7:46] Zealot Benmergui: then dumping them for a newb with a neon cock
[7:46] ***BB***: lol
[7:46] ***MM***: mmm neon
[7:46] ***SL***: how about a blue cock?
[7:46] ***SL***: i saw one of those last night
[7:46] Zealot Benmergui: My last rule...Embrace the role play..enjoy it, take it for what it is worth...How many other times will you have a chance to have a wild passionate affair with a 2 foot tall Mongoose named stanley?
[7:47] ***ES***: hmm maybe the ladies need a choice in colors of their breasts giggles
[7:47] Zealot Benmergui: Or a blue cock for that matter, unless you are into cryophilia
[7:47] Katelynn Dastardly is Offline
[7:47] Zealot Benmergui: And now that brings us to discussion, questions, and group sex with power tools
[7:48] ***BB***: would you address the "lies" portion of the title Sir?
[7:48] Zealot Benmergui: Yes, a movie title pun to get people to come to the lecture
[7:48] ***BB***: yes Sir
[7:48] Zealot Benmergui: I have no shamne
[7:48] ***BB***: i mean as regards SL, roleplay and d/s roleplay in SL, etc.
[7:49] ***ES***: what is to be gained by engaging in this type of role play ?
[7:49] ***MZ***: That some people don't know what NOT lieing is..and tend to feed on it to build their own ego's?
[7:49] ***VS***: mm, that
[7:50] Zealot Benmergui: Well, I have heard people say that Role Players are not genuine, that they are effectively lying in relationships...because someone their partner truly believes they are a rouge pirate named Rupert who has been kidnapped by the harem of Sulta Dave and made to labor in the semen mines for 10 years
[7:50] ***VS***: s true in rl and in every kind o f relationshiop though, ior can be
[7:50] ***MZ***: yesss..that....when you find someone that knows what the truth is, and trustand honor...that is a WOW moment
[7:50] ***VS***: what sl allows is something lke, being the pposite gender, for example or ... age p[lay
[7:50] ***BB***: not rp itself as lying, i'ts only a tool - but ppl who use SL to game other people, etc.
[7:50] ***MM***: I think though that often we put people in a position where they lie because our expectations are not realistic
[7:51] ***SL***: bye everyone. have a good day! *poofs*
[7:51] ***MZ***: well, I can only speak for myself...
[7:51] ***MM***: bye Seks
[7:51] ***SL*** is Offline
[7:51] ***MZ***: and that means....I do not lie..so please be honest with me
[7:51] ***BB***: well, not myself...i dont like to even discuss RL, for that reason among others...ppl will tend to lie, but i mean people who intentionally lie about emotions for instance.
[7:51] ***ES***: not all lies are bad
[7:51] Free Radar HUD v1.1 by Crystal Gadgets
[7:51] ***BB***: what lies are good?
[7:51] ***MZ***: I don't even do that Bynna...
[7:51] ***4C*** Ring of Total Submission whispers: Wrong attachment point ..
[7:52] ***ES***: sometimes I lie to not hurt someone's feelings
[7:52] ***MZ***: I have had Masters tell me that they love me..I say nothing...or thank you...
[7:52] ***BB***: but i'm speaking of people who intentionally use or misuse words, to manipulate.
[7:52] ***MZ***: I do not say it just to say it
[7:52] ***4C*** Ring of Total Submission: MoLock -Main- v2.50: ***4C***: not using RestrainedLife!
2009-02-16T15:52:24.949228Z
Chained lust<158.63440, 73.24531, 49.79582>
[7:52] ***MZ***: yes, I agree...and there again...don't lie about something that can touch someone so deeply...
[7:52] ***BB***: oh, well yes i'm talking about sometin other than yes that hairstyle is great on you ;)
[7:52] ***ES***: if someone says I love you - I don't believe it either - especially if I just met them 5 minutes ago lol
[7:52] ***BB***: well yes obviously
[7:52] ***ES***: and wow to many say it
[7:52] ***VS***: yes but
[7:52] ***BB***: Sir what do u tihnk of all this
[7:52] ***MZ***: this is true..but a lasting friendship...yes, I love that person
[7:53] Zealot Benmergui: I think that scrolling takes way too long
[7:53] ***MZ***: If I have gotten to know someone, yes, I might fall into love with them...
[7:53] ***ES***: sex and friendship hmm is that possible?
[7:53] ***MM***: I don't tell people their hair looks great when it doesn't...what is the point to that?
[7:53] ***MZ***: of course it is
[7:53] ***BB***: Sir what of people who lie in SL relationships to manipulate emotions
[7:53] ***MZ***: this is true..I don't tell you , Hey, that is awesome, unless I mean it
[7:53] ***MZ***: called mute?
[7:53] ***BB***: wel still that wasn't the type of lie i meant Milana :)
[7:54] ***MZ***: Yes, I know it is not
[7:54] ***VS***: i iz confused
[7:54] ***MZ***: just addressing what someone said
[7:54] ***BB***: i was the one who said it tho
[7:54] ***BB***: ok nvm
[7:54] Zealot Benmergui: Well first of all once must consider if what we are calling a lie was done intentionally, or with forethought....
[7:54] ***ES***: every word has two meanings
[7:55] ***ES***: good lies and bad lies
[7:55] Zealot Benmergui: often times, things change very very rapidly, or circumstances occur that you may not be aware of..it doesn;t make it good, or right, but it makes it without a desire to hurt.
[7:55] ***ES***: good sex and bad sex giggles
[7:55] ***MZ***: Let me say this, sometimes...when dealing with a Dom, I have found that they do and say things that we might not agree with, but they do have a reason for it, (if they are true to themselves)...I try very hard to wait and see what that reason is.
[7:55] Zealot Benmergui: Those who lie deliberately, with knowledge that what they are saying is untrue, are no differenting online then they are in RL...they exist, and do everyone a disservice, including themselves