Good and Bad Ds - 2/13/09

[0:50] Zealot Benmergui: Zealot Benmergui: Welcome A/all to the House of V’s College of Kink. My name is Zealot Benmergui, Baron BardHaven and I will be your host today. Some of you may know me from such recent educations filmstrips as "Crabs on the Half Shell" and "Why Mommy has Three Husbands".
[0:50] Zealot Benmergui: *educational
[0:50] ***SQ***: lol
[0:51] ***CS*** chuckles.
[0:51] Zealot Benmergui: The topic for today is “Good and Bad D/s". We will be considering how one can do D/s wrong, and the questions to ask yourself to find out if you are doing it right. We will also try to put to rest some of our normal nagging misconceptions about D/s.
[0:51] Zealot Benmergui: Everyone please take your seats and/or kneeling positions, and your insertible sex toys in the upright position
[0:51] ***MM*** pulls out the dildo
[0:52] ***SQ***: eep! lol
[0:52] Zealot Benmergui checks it as a carry on
[0:52] Zealot Benmergui: Please note that for the purpose of clarity, I will tend to use “she” to refer to a submissive and “he” to refer to a Dominant, but either can be of any gender. Also, remember that your humble lecturer does accept tips paid directly to him, should you be so inclined.
[0:53] Zealot Benmergui: Now, once you hear my first comment on this subject, don;t throw objects at me right off..and I don;t mean panties. You can throw those anytime..I mean, sharp, hurtful things...
[0:53] Zealot Benmergui: Having a slave or a Master can often be like having a baby.
[0:53] ***MM*** nods
[0:53] Zealot Benmergui: Now I am not referring to diaperplay, or the tendency for daddy to spank…rather to the reaction of the people around you. If you have ever carried a baby through a crowded shopping mall, either your own or one that was left unattended outside the Walmart, you will know that EVERYBODY assumes they can give you advice since you are clearly doing it wrong
[0:54] ***SQ***: heh
[0:54] Zealot Benmergui: “You should cover its head when it is this cold”, “Isn’t that jumper too hot for spring?” “Asshole, you dress him in frilly shit like that he’ll end up a homo” “If you sauté it in white wine before braising it won’t have that gamey after taste”.
[0:54] ***SQ***: mmmmmmm *drool*
[0:55] Zealot Benmergui: Everyone has an opinion, and they feel perfectly entitled to share it with you..after all..you have a baby.
[0:55] Zealot Benmergui: Having a slave or a Master can be like that. EVERYONE assumes you are doing it wrong, and that you really want them to set you straight.
[0:55] Zealot Benmergui: “Are you going to let her talk to You like that?” “Do you have such a low self esteem that you think you are inferior to some Metallica reject wearing a leather codpiece?” “You need more backswing on that whip, mate…” “You are just role players if she doesn’t ask you to write out her grocery lists for her”
[0:56] Zealot Benmergui: “My Master could beat up your Master” “In Port Blarsh we let no Man rule slutflesh until he has bested a starving Palutz in single and terrible combat…just put on the HUD, click Fight and have at it, girlyman” “MY GOD YOU ARE LETTING THAT WHORE WEAR CLOTHING…YOU MADMAN!!!!”
[0:56] Jason Riggles has a leather cod piece
[0:56] you Wasp: yes?
[0:56] ***MM***: no...that's true..clothing is very very bad!
[0:56] Zealot Benmergui: well sure...but still
[0:56] Zealot Benmergui: Everybody is eager to tell you everything you are doing wrong.
[0:57] Zealot Benmergui: There seems to be so many ways to do D/s wrong, one wonders if there is a way to do it right? Well, the answer is quite simple…
[0:57] Zealot Benmergui: ”It depends”.
[0:57] Zealot Benmergui: What is right and what is wrong is totally dependent on your relationship, and what both the Dom and the sub require from it. We are each different, we each have different needs. When those needs are met, it is “right”…when they are not, I don’t care if the Master has 30 years experience and the slave is a text book perfect submissive..it is STILL wrong.
[0:58] ***BL*** nods
[0:59] Zealot Benmergui: We all tend to be a bit pessamistic relationship wise. We are always waiting for the piano to fall.
[1:00] Zealot Benmergui: How then do you know if something is right? Well, I suggest asking yourself certain questions.
[1:01] Zealot Benmergui: The first couple tend to work best in new relationships, but as always, your milage may vary.
[1:02] Zealot Benmergui: The first and most obvious question is also the hardest. “What do I need from this relationship?” You may just want sex from a D/s relationship, or a sort of intimate friendship, or some kinky discipline…all of that is just as valid as those who are seeking a “soulmate” or a 24/7 master.
[1:03] Zealot Benmergui: There are lots of smaller questions inside that first one, including “Do I need to be collared.” “Do I need an exclusive relationship”…even “Do I need the relationship to be sexual”. Yes, a D/s relationship can be non-sexual. I have known several that are completely chaste. We tend to assume that D/s is at core sexual, in some ways since it is the easiest way to describe the emotional power and ramifications of the bond…but that intimacy can be expressed in many many ways, some of which involve wearing clothing.
[1:03] Zealot Benmergui: Equally as important, and just as difficult, is “What do I need to avoid in a relationship?” We all carry with us a certain amount of baggage. Just as every general is fighting the last war, so we are all fucking the last lover in any new relationship. We should always try to be aware of what we don’t want from a master or a sub, and do our best to be very clear about it from the very beginning.
[1:04] Zealot Benmergui: We all have things we hate in relationships, things we know we can’t handle, or that once the glow of new love fades, will have us digging through the cutlery drawer at 3 AM muttering “Blood” over and over again in Latin. We also have scars, nerves, left over from old hands and old wounds. The same is true for Sl as it is for RL. If we are direct and honest about such things, with both our self and our partner, we will save a lot of pain and confusion down the line.
[1:06] Zealot Benmergui: Far better to be careful, and communicative then it is to be spontaneous.
[1:06] Zealot Benmergui: Then of course, once we have thought all of that into the ground, and have drawn ourselves a picture of our perfect master or submissive, all ready to be cast in bronze…we need to remember such questions are most effective when starting a NEW relationship...how can we judge a relationship in progress. Is it right or wrong? Does it matter if momentum is enough to carry you along?
[1:07] Zealot Benmergui: The questions we ask about a relationship in progress are even more important than the others I have mentioned. They seem obvious, but in the heat of the moment they are very easy to lose track of.
[1:09] Zealot Benmergui: “Am I happy?” “Do I feel safe?” “Does my partner make me smile, laugh, moan…do they make me respond?” Do I gain something from this relationship that I value, that I would not have without it?” “Do I feel loved?” “Do I feel important to my Master or sub” “Are my needs (see a few paragraphs back) being met…can I meet THEIR needs?”
[7:30] Zealot Benmergui: "Do I feel i can share the answers to these questions with my Dom or sub?" "Would they be able to share their answers with me?"
[1:10] Zealot Benmergui: All of these questions are pieces to a puzzle....a puzzle that often we can;t see unless we step back from it so we can look at all of it, at once.
[1:10] Zealot Benmergui: The way you know if you are doing D/s right is no different then it is in any emotional relationship...does it FEEL right?
[1:10] Zealot Benmergui: If it does feel right to both you and your partner, and if the answers to these questions, and any others that you feel relevant to you, please you...then it doesn;t matter what anyone else says.
[1:11] Zealot Benmergui: Let them do what they want with THEIR baby...you are taking care of yours just right.
[1:11] Zealot Benmergui: and with that, as always, I open the floor to comments, discussion, verbal abuse and group sex
[1:12] Zealot Benmergui: What sort of comments have any of you gotten concerning your relationships or activities in Sl?
[1:13] Zealot Benmergui: Have any of you been flat out told you are wrong, silly, and funny looking?
[1:13] ***SQ***: lol
[1:14] ***SQ***: I get told I *need* to be collared an awful lot :P
[1:14] Zealot Benmergui: well...yeah
[1:14] Zealot Benmergui: I could see that
[1:14] ***SQ***: lol
[1:14] ***MM***: how do you bungee jump without one?
[1:14] ***SQ***: hahahaha
[1:14] Zealot Benmergui: comments to subs, like that or about how their Master doesn;t appretiate them, are usually ways to say "Wanna fuck me"
[1:15] ***SQ***: lol
[1:15] ***BL***: I get funny looks from vanilla's all the time. They think Im some sort of wacky perv. They would be right!
[1:15] Zealot Benmergui: the same way comments made to masters about how their girls are so great or so bad are usually ways to say "Can I fuck her"
[1:15] ***SQ*** nods
[1:16] Zealot Benmergui: actually..most everything a man says to woman in Sl involves fucking her in one fashion or another
[1:16] ***BL*** agrees
[1:16] ***SQ***: ohhhhh yeah :P
[1:17] Zealot Benmergui: actually that goes both ways
[1:17] Zealot Benmergui: recently I have been seeing even moire of tendency among lifestyles to view people less then they to be someone "repressed"...just like they think we are ravenning sex fiends
[1:17] Zealot Benmergui: Hello my freaky darlings...
[1:17] Zealot Benmergui: damn that old emote
[1:17] ***MM***: ROFL
[1:17] Zealot Benmergui: three fucking years I can;t get the fuck rid of it
[1:18] Zealot Benmergui: oh no, I said fuck multiple times in HoV
[1:18] ***SQ***: oh noes!
[1:18] ***MM***: you're going to be drawn and quartered now!
[1:18] Zealot Benmergui: will you watch baby?
[1:18] ***MM***: mhm
[1:18] Zealot Benmergui: damn right you would
[1:18] ***SQ***: I'm fucking offended by that kind of fucking language
[1:18] Zealot Benmergui: but the fuckin point I was making is this...
[1:18] ***SQ***: hee
[1:18] Zealot Benmergui: we all have something else that takes us to the top of lullaby mountain...
[1:19] ***CS***: Fart! Butt! Booger!
[1:19] ***SQ***: and for some of us it's tourette's ;)
[1:19] ***CS***: ;)
[1:19] ***SQ***: sorry
[1:20] Zealot Benmergui: or just being pissy
[1:20] ***SQ***: heh
[1:20] ***CS***: I just wanted to join in on the cursewords.
[1:20] Zealot Benmergui: the point is..it drives us crazy when anyone hassles us about what we like, so we shouldn;t hassle them for it...
[1:21] Zealot Benmergui: and that way we can sneak up behind them in the ladies room more easily and sodomise them with water fowl
[1:21] Zealot Benmergui: cause they will never see it coming
[1:21] ***MM***: unless their kink is wearing a Master tag and sending me an IM saying "on your knees bitch".....they're fair game!
[1:21] Zealot Benmergui: well..yea...but I get to watch
[1:21] Zealot Benmergui: Master Brutus masterly of master town
[1:22] ***CS***: Of Master Bay Station.
[1:22] ***SQ***: lol
[1:23] Zealot Benmergui: That is the flip side of making comments about someone elses kins...making assumptions about them
[1:24] Zealot Benmergui: I am sure all subs here have gotten the idiots who assume due to your tags, clothing or exposed nipples they will submit to anyone
[1:25] ***BL*** nods
[1:25] Zealot Benmergui: Doms also tend to get IMs from women trying to subtly ask if they may want to become the love of their life...
[1:25] ***BL***: lol
[1:25] ***SQ***: subtly? *snicker*
[1:26] Zealot Benmergui: It comes with being open about your sexuality and situation...we need to have a certain amount of patience
[1:27] Zealot Benmergui: nods...sure..the less subtle ones, like the women who IM you "Hihi..wannt ta fuck this" are easier to handle then the ones who are all sort of "Please can you help me sitr? "blink blink
[1:27] ***BL***: i will not submit to just any man. And it doesnt mean Im not a "Twue" sub either.
[1:28] Zealot Benmergui: Absolutely...I would say the opposite is true....those who submit to anyone are the ones who are just in it for the giggles...
[1:28] Zealot Benmergui: and with that I think we will bring this to a close...