Expectations and how to survive them - 3/3/09

[0:41] Zealot Benmergui: Welcome A/all to the House of V’s College of Kink. My name is Zealot Benmergui, Baron BardHaven and I will be your host today. Some of you may know me from lecturing here at House of V and other locations around the grid. Others of you may know me as the voice of Dolphin in “Transformers III: When Personal Massagers Attack”
[0:42] Zealot Benmergui: The topic for today is "Expectations and how to survive them”. We will be looking at the adjustment and realities all D/s relationships face. Please note that for the purpose of clarity, I will tend to use “she” to refer to a submissive and “he” to refer to a Dominant, but either can be of any gender. Your humble lecturer WILL accept tips, but they must be paid to me directly, if you are so inclined, thank you.
[0:42] Zealot Benmergui: Expectations are both the creators and destroyers of relationships, especially online D/s ones. So often we have very little to really go on when we meet in SL, that we fall back on appearance and stereotype, we form expectations based on what little we can see or know. If the man is wearing a white t-shirt, bad jeans and an erect phallus, assume he is a noob and therefore have certain expectations of him, such as that he will be a complete ass.
[0:43] Zealot Benmergui: In the same vein, If we see someone in a well put together AV with all the trimmings, we assume they know what they are doing and treat them accordingly….more expectations.
[0:43] Zealot Benmergui: Of course, someone once said Don’t judge a book by its cover..likely an author…and of course they are right. The so-called Noob could be on his 46th AV, the apparent veteran could have had his mother make his toon. We all make assumptions, and have expectations based on those. The trick is how well we cope with the confusion when the assumptions are wrong, or the expectations fail to be met or change.
[0:44] Zealot Benmergui: I would say part of why most online relationship last about 20 minutes is the fact that our expectations for them are so often WAY off base
[0:45] Zealot Benmergui: In RL life, you usually know a great deal about a person before you marry them, or accept a rl collar from them...in SL, not so much
[0:45] Zealot Benmergui: Of course, the story of the Noob and the veteren is about casual encounters, but relationships are no different.
[0:45] Zealot Benmergui: When they begin, we make certain assumptions, have certain expectations. We base them on our impression of the person, and the situation, and also on what we thing WE want and need at that moment.
[0:46] Zealot Benmergui: *think
[0:46] Zealot Benmergui: We think we want a strong, harsh master so we IM the guy with the leather chaps, the whip on his belt and the profile full of “Surrender to me, Cuntrag and I will fuck you like a tarn in flight” bullshit.
[0:47] Zealot Benmergui: We have decided we want a sweet, submissive flower so we chat up the blonde in the baby pink silks who calls us “Mighty and Domilicious MegaSir” and has a Minnie Mouse AO.
[0:47] ***MK*** mouths 'tarn' and goes to WikiPedia ...
[0:47] Zealot Benmergui: of course, the rough and tough Gorean bruiser could be a scared mamma's boy
[0:47] ***VV*** laughs merrily
[0:47] Zealot Benmergui: and the the sugar sweet submissive could be your Uncle Phil
[0:48] ***AA*** laughs
[0:48] ***MK***: Uncle Randy.
[0:49] Zealot Benmergui: Despite the fact that we know that people is SL LIIIEEEEEEE, we choose based on our assumptions, and then create expectations. Often a relationship is formed and a path chosen before those expectations even have a chance to dry, let alone be tested. So often what we think we know about a person, or a relationship, or even about ourselves turns out to be wrong? What do we do then? If our expectations aren’t met, is it all over?
[0:50] ***VV***: Nope.
[0:50] Zealot Benmergui: Ideally not....and that has to be the first question you ask yourself....when you realise things are not as they originally seemed, do you back away slowly and get a restraining order, or work on it
[0:51] Zealot Benmergui: Sometimes, call the judge baby, I admit it...LOTS of misbegotten hook ups online that really will never work once the smoke clears and you are trying to find your virtual panties
[0:51] ***MK*** puts away her TRO Mad-Lib form.
[0:51] Zealot Benmergui: however, sometimes, there are parts of relationship, and real emotion, that you want to save...but how?
[0:52] Zealot Benmergui: For me, it comes down to 4 As
[0:52] Zealot Benmergui: Acknowledge, Accept, Adapt, and Advance
[0:53] ***FT***: Sink, burn, or destroy!
[0:53] ***FT***: sorry :P
[0:53] MystiTool HUD 1.3.1: Entering chat range: Shine Janick (17m)
[0:54] Zealot Benmergui: That is the next lecture
[0:54] ***FT*** grins
[0:54] Zealot Benmergui: First, Acknowledge....that is sometimes the hardest
[0:55] Zealot Benmergui: Just noting the fact that the reason you are getting so damn pissed that he is flirting with those fucking sluts at the club is that you had an EXPCTATION that he wouldn't
[0:55] Zealot Benmergui: is often really difficult and requires a leap of faith
[0:56] Zealot Benmergui: Sometimes expectations are not even based on THIS person or relationship, but previous ones...you are bent out of shape that he is away because yoru last Master abandoned you when he went "on vacation"
[0:57] Zealot Benmergui: being able to actyallu note what your expectations are, and which ones are not being met, is a major step and should not be taken lightly
[0:57] MystiTool HUD 1.3.1: Entering chat range: Extreme Dezno (19m)
[0:57] Zealot Benmergui: Once you Acknowledge the gaps in expectations...next comes Accept
[0:58] Zealot Benmergui: You need to accept the fact that it is OK, that it isn;t the end of the world.
[0:58] Zealot Benmergui: It is just different then you had originally planned, or hoped for.
[0:58] Zealot Benmergui: Just as important is making sure that there are no unmet expectations that you CAN'T accept.
[0:59] Zealot Benmergui: You really assumed that he wouldn;t force ostriches to perfrom oral sex on you, or expect you to have sex with his entire family
[0:59] Zealot Benmergui: and you just can't accept that...especially since he has such a large family
[0:59] ***MK***: How unreasonable ...
[0:59] ***VV***: guffaws
[1:00] Zealot Benmergui: Some bitches, they are selfish..word
[1:00] Zealot Benmergui: Once you have made sure you can Accept the unmet expectations, then you can go to the next step....Adapt
[1:00] Zealot Benmergui: Change the nature of your relationshipand reactions to suit your now more realistic expectations...
[1:02] Zealot Benmergui: When you first met, the amount of time you sopent together was different...either more or less, and it has changed for good reasons. Can you accept it? Sure. Then Adapt your expectations. Don;t be anxious or heartbroken when they can't get online, or when you keep missing each other. As someone who lives in a timezone that is the back of beyond, I know how essential it is not to give into being upset over such expectations.
[1:02] Zealot Benmergui: *Then
[1:03] Zealot Benmergui: Instead of planning on idling together all day because you know there will be time to be more intimate in the afternoon, learn to make better use of your time. Try to say what needs to be said while you can...ADAPT
[1:03] Zealot Benmergui: Lastly..Advance....
[1:04] Zealot Benmergui: Now that you have ditched unrealistic expectations, and have new, more doable ones...see if you can go past that. Sure you can;t EXPECT her to have the same love of mongoose sex as you do..but maybe she wouldbe willing to pet it once or twice?
[1:05] ***MK*** considers "Riki Tiki Tavi" as a safe word.
[1:05] Zealot Benmergui: Once you have solid expectations, you have the firm foundations to explore things BEYOND those expectations, like introducing live rodents into her rectum
[1:05] ***FT***: I am not sure it is safe to say that, Magdalena
[1:05] ***VV***: rrrrrr
[1:05] Zealot Benmergui hides the flashing eyes
[1:06] ***MK*** tries not to become mesmerized.
[1:06] ***TM***: Mr. Lemmingwinks!!!! where have you been?
[1:06] Zealot Benmergui: Having a situations where expectations fall sort is not unusual..in fact, it is stupidly common, totally normal
[1:06] Zealot Benmergui cleans the little fellow off, and looks down sheepish, handing it back to him..."Sorry
[1:07] ***TM***: hehe
[1:07] ***AA*** slowly slides away from her Master
[1:07] Zealot Benmergui: What really matters is how we deal with the situation once those expectations are blown away by that pesky reality
[1:08] Zealot Benmergui: Acknowledge, Accept, Adapt and Advance....and you should be ok, unless he won;t obey the restraining order
[1:08] ***MK*** purrs. "Restraints."
[1:08] Zealot Benmergui: Now then, this is the portionof thelecture devoted to discussion, arguments, Tourette's Syndrome and ferret shaving
[1:08] ***TM***: "orders"
[1:09] Zealot Benmergui: has anyone had a situation where their expectations were so wrong as to be totally absurd?
[1:09] ***FT***: who was supposed to being the ferrets?
[1:09] Zealot Benmergui: as in..."Be male"
[1:09] ***FT***: bring*
[1:10] Zealot Benmergui: if you sit quietly, the ferrets will come to you if you are pure of heard and smear peanut butter on yourprivate parts
[1:10] Zealot Benmergui: *heart
[1:10] ***MK*** has not had that problem as far as she knows ...
[1:10] ***FT***: mmm I love peanut butter
[1:10] ***SQ***: I had someone I was involved with turn out to be a different gender :S
[1:10] Zealot Benmergui: as far as you know....
[1:10] ***MK***: Peanut butter is good for getting gum out of hair.
[1:10] ***TM***: I don't have any peanut butter but I saw Beastmaster once
[1:10] Zealot Benmergui: nods..I have too in the past...
[1:10] Zealot Benmergui: it was something of a shock...then I was quite impressed they had fooled me
[1:11] Zealot Benmergui: it helped that we were not still dating for a few months when I found out
[1:11] ***SQ*** nods
[1:11] Zealot Benmergui: but I still bug him about it
[1:11] ***SQ***: we were
[1:11] ***SQ***: and I felt like an idiot at first :P
[1:11] Zealot Benmergui: nods...it does seem like you missed something fundamental
[1:12] ***MK*** thinks. "Actually, I've heard almost all of my lovers via voice, either before or after. Have sent baked goods to their typists to half of them."
[1:12] ***SQ***: mmmm
[1:12] Zealot Benmergui: but really...if you don;t think to look for it, it is unlikely you will find it
[1:12] ***SQ*** nods
[1:12] Zealot Benmergui: baked goods are the key
[1:12] Pirate Russell is Online
[1:12] ***MK***: Oh, how?
[1:13] ***TM***: well, back on point I am sure each one of us has been in a situration as you describe....and we all react in our own ways to them but it is really nice to hear a logical pragmatic outline for a couse of action like that Zealot.
[1:13] ***FT***: well, everyone likes pie
[1:13] ***FT***: I know I do
[1:13] Zealot Benmergui: you can tell alot about a person by which cookies they request
[1:13] ***SQ***: hee
[1:13] Zealot Benmergui: nods...the trick is not to allow yourself to overreact, or go off half cocked..no punintended
[1:13] ***SQ*** nods
[1:14] Zealot Benmergui: so having a list is a way to ground yourself, and keep you from doing something you will regret
[1:14] ***SQ***: I didn't say anything for a few days, just so I could sort out how I felt
[1:14] ***TM***: kind of like not shopping when your hungry
[1:14] Zealot Benmergui: nods, very much like that
[1:14] ***FT***: one shouldn't shop on SL when hungry?
[1:14] ***FT***: I never heard that
[1:14] ***TM*** laughs
[1:15] Zealot Benmergui: ok, now we are moving into Dolcett territory, and that is another lecture
[1:15] ***FT***: and probably not go in swimming here after eating either
[1:15] ***TM***: or swim within an hour after eating, your avi might crash
[1:15] ***FT***: I have heard that is bad
[1:15] ***FT***: haha, jinx
[1:15] ***VV***: I think that online relationships mirror those of RL to a large extent. As you said, Z, once the initial stages burn off, we can find a certain challenges presented to us.....and that entails going deeper, maybe more risk inherent in that than in merely 'falling in love'.
[1:15] ***TM*** hopes someone says his name quick
[1:15] Zealot Benmergui: the hardest thing about acknolwedging is when the expectations come from your last relationship
[1:16] ***FT***: too late, you owe me a coke
[1:16] ***TM***: damn
[1:16] Zealot Benmergui: a friend once told me, just as generals are always fighting the last war, we are always fucking our last girlfriend
[1:16] ***MK***: Seriously, though ... how does one deal when it feel like you're the one who's doing the accepting and adapting and the other party ... kinda just rolls with it?
[1:16] ***FT***: that's true, the bitch
[1:16] Zealot Benmergui: well..a one sided compromise isn;t a compromise, it ia retreat
[1:17] Zealot Benmergui: *is a
[1:17] ***VV***: Well, it's important to shed your skin. It's like that saying 'no matter where you go, there you are' ...the point is to develop, to grow
[1:17] ***TM*** nods
[1:17] ***TM***: and remember the E in TPE does stand for exchange
[1:17] ***VV***: nods to Tristan
[1:17] Zealot Benmergui: nods..I agree...and to grow, both sides need to take and both need to give
[1:18] Zealot Benmergui: so Magda, in that case you are not wrong in saying that you have an EXPECTATION that this will be more even, and that you can;t accept that it isn't
[1:18] ***VV***: nothing is ever 50/50 at all times, it's important to not only accept that, but to embrace it
[1:18] Zealot Benmergui: 50/50...certainly not....but there needs to be movement by both, at least on most issues
[1:18] ***VV***: and it's really all OK, if you have trust
[1:19] Seatyn Magic is Offline
[1:19] Zealot Benmergui: sure there are some where they just demand it be one way, and you give ground on that since they really need it..but most issues, a compromise is best
[1:19] ***VV***: nods. yeah, one party cannot be stagnant for long without serious fallout or death
[1:19] Zealot Benmergui: if someone NEVER compromises, then that is a problem
[1:20] ***MK***: Never is too strong.
[1:20] Shattered Axel is Offline
[1:20] Zealot Benmergui: nods...then it sound discussable
[1:20] Zealot Benmergui: especially Doms often get used to just dictating
[1:21] Zealot Benmergui: and don;t realise that it doesn;t always work well
[1:21] ***MK*** nods.
[1:21] Zealot Benmergui: sometimes they need a subtle reminder...baseball bats are available near the teleport area
[1:22] ***MK*** prefers honey ... and fire ants.
[1:22] Zealot Benmergui: mmm...fireants
[1:22] ***MK***: Spicy and full of protein.
[1:22] Zealot Benmergui: so, any other questions or comments?
[1:23] Zealot Benmergui: while you think if you really want to admit your large flightless bird fetish and how is messed up your last relationship, I will get some business out of the way
[1:23] ***VV***: there's such beauty in relationships that are magnanimous, that have a low expecatation quotient. I think that those relationships are the most pure. We wind up placing constraints on relationships here and all they serve to do is inhibit us.
[1:23] ***MK***: Anyone? Bueller?
[1:23] Zealot Benmergui: I agree completely V
[1:23] Zealot Benmergui: we seem bound and determined to tie strings to things..to say I want this to be THIUS way, sight unseen
[1:24] Zealot Benmergui: when in Sl of all places, we can let things develop slowly, and naturally, to become what they should be