Breaking in New Dominants - 2/26/09

[0:43] Zealot Benmergui: Welcome A/all to the House of V’s College of Kink. My name is Zealot Benmergui, Baron BardHaven and I will be your host today. Some of you may know me from recent film and television roles, such as playing Brian Love in "Surf's Up: I fucked a Beach Boy" and Cooter in the direct to DVD feature film, The Dukes of Hazzard II: In Daisy's Dukes.
[0:44] Zealot Benmergui: The topic for today is Breaking in New Dominants and we will be looking a little bit at tips for a new Dominant or one who is new to the lifestyle as well as how submissives can spot poseurs and/or help newcomers get their feet wet, or other parts. Please note that for the purpose of clarity, I will tend to use “she” to refer to a submissive and “he” to refer to a Dominant, but either can be of any gender. Also, please remember your lecturer DOES accept tips paid directly to me....so give generously, you slags
[0:44] ***SA*** points at ryan .. " right someone call security"
[0:44] ***SL***: hi Sean
[0:44] ***SA***: hes afk
[0:44] Zealot Benmergui: First of all, I want to put to rest a fallacy that I have often heard in BDSM clubs…namely that Doms are born that way. If you don’t have a bunch of 4 year old girls hitting their knees and bringing you cookies and juice in Pre-school. ..not to mention their mommies, then forget about ever being a Master.
[0:45] ***MM*** whispers "strap on"
[0:45] ***RS***: heh
[0:45] ***SL***: i thought he was just rude
[0:45] Zealot Benmergui begins to shake
[0:45] ***SA***: oh ... he is
[0:45] ***RS***: Yup, mainl;y just rude.
[0:45] Zealot Benmergui: This is patently untrue. Sure a person may have a talent or predilection for being Dominant, but there is a long way to go from being dominant by nature to being A DOMINANT....let alone a proper Master. I don;t care how many girls you can make take their skirts off behind the gym in 6th grade
[0:46] Zealot Benmergui: The kneeling mommies part..well, I would prefer to take the fith on that one
[0:47] ***MM***: ((strap-on))
[0:47] Zealot Benmergui: Just as incorrect is the statement that I have heard made before that a “real” Dominant has a submissive or three…without them, he is just a bossy wannabe. Again, that is pure foolishness. A Dominant is dominant in the middle of a crowded fetish club, or all alone in a locked room in Idaho with nothing but a Book of Mormon and a copy of Hustler from 1983…or anywhere in between.
[0:47] Zealot Benmergui glances at Mali....have a head mounted dildo you can hit three orifices at once
[0:47] ***MM***: omg
[0:47] ***MM***: I totally never thought of that
[0:47] ***RS***: BWAHAHAHAHAH
[0:48] ***MM***: that...would....be some serious movement
[0:48] ***RS***: Zeal, do ya mind if I interject?
[0:48] ***MM***: soooo wanna see that on utube
[0:48] Zealot Benmergui: go for it
[0:49] Zealot Benmergui: But going on....We are what we are...the place the distinctions come concern awareness, and experience...as we will talk about today
[0:50] Zealot Benmergui: It may be true that a person can’t really call themselves a Master or Mistress unless they have or at least have had submissives to call their own, but even THAT is open to interpretation.
[0:50] Zealot Benmergui: Different people use terms differently..and no one has the right to call someone wrong on a subjective point...in the end, what matters is not what we call ourselves, but how we ACT.
[0:50] Zealot Benmergui: So what does make a Dominant, beyond just the words? It is about learning, and exploring, and getting to know your true nature. I would say those three things are just as important in the long run as talent or desire. If that weren’t so, then why is it when you ask most submissives what they are looking for in a Dominant, one of the most common responses is EXPERIENCE?
[0:51] Zealot Benmergui: Of course, having a strap on and a head mounted dildo help too...they just SCREAM Dom
[0:51] ***MM***: really? I always say...not a jackass
[0:51] ***MM***: and oh yeah...STRAP ON
[0:51] ***RS***: For the most part, you're right, being a dominant has no bearing on your oportunities or geological environs for expression. However, continued exposure to "The scene" does grant a fella experience and understanding. A cat withe the propensity for dominant behavior stuck in the Ozarks, just doesn't have the opportunity to develope real life experience.
[0:51] Zealot Benmergui: Ok, Jackass can work too in some situations....
[0:52] Zealot Benmergui: *coughsNot acoughs*
[0:52] Zealot Benmergui: There can be plenty of experience and exposure far from "the scene"
[0:52] ***MM***: what's wrong with the Ozarks?
[0:53] Zealot Benmergui: after all, what we consider D/s was what most of our grandparents considered Marriage...just with fewer restraints
[0:53] ***RS***: C'mon bwanna, ya know what I'm sayin.
[0:53] ***RS***: Heh......fewer restraints.
[0:53] ***FT***: there is another school of thought that says each D/s relationship is unique and different, and perhaps both should go in without a lot of expectations and see what develops.. in that case it might be useful for both dom and sub to have an even level of experience and a willingness to be open-minded to as to the direction they go. comments?
[0:53] ***RS***: Anyhoo, continue
[0:54] Steel Shackle 1.15 (r forearm) whispers: ***LA***'s Steel Shackle 1.14.2 (r forearm) has been locked by ***SO*** (Type 6 U-Shape).
[0:54] Steel Shackle 1.15 (r forearm) whispers: ***LA*** is now prevented from interacting with the environment.
[0:54] Zealot Benmergui: If someone has a dominant nature, or a submissive one, it will tend to surface in any environment, just differently dependingon society\if you mean that in a social setting that encourages D/s or BDSM someone may be able to get in touch with that part of their nature, then I definetly agree with you
[0:55] Zealot Benmergui: *nods to Miss Telling...that is one school of thought that says that a Dom and sub should be equivilant in terms of experience..and for those who have been in the lifestyle a long time, that is pretty accurate
[0:55] Zealot Benmergui: however, two total beginners matched up tends to be a messy, jello encrusted clusterfuck
[0:55] ***SL***: mmm cherry jello
[0:55] ***MM***: mmm jello encrusted (strap-ons)
[0:56] ***RS***: HAH.
[0:56] ***FT***: yes, I suppose it could easily work out that way *smiles*
[0:56] Zealot Benmergui: As for experience, experience comes up much more often then spikey leather clothing, yet for some reason ALL online Masters a whole closet that stinks of cow, but far fewer have much experience in being a Dominant or a master.
[0:57] ***RS***: Personally I began my education when I was eighteen with a fairly experienced toy named robin who was ten years older.
[0:57] Zealot Benmergui: Each person's milage may vary
[0:57] ***MM***: no I agree, you do reach a point where you no longer wish to be a human crash test dummy...however...I know alot of people in the lifestyle with years of experience that are in fact ignorant jackjasses I wouldn't let pet my cat
[0:57] Steel Shackle 1.15 (r forearm) whispers: ***LA***'s Steel Shackle 1.14.2 (r forearm) has been locked by ***SO*** (Type Lock).
[0:57] Steel Shackle 1.15 (r forearm) whispers: ***LA*** is now allowed to interact with the environment.
[0:57] Zealot Benmergui: I began my education with a short prison term for DUI, an open cell block and a quart jar of mayonaisse
[0:58] ***MM***: lol
[0:58] ***MM***: mmmm were there strap-ons?
[0:58] Steel Shackle 1.15 (r forearm) whispers: ***LA***'s Steel Shackle 1.14.2 (r forearm) has been locked by ***SO*** (Type 2 Back).
[0:58] Steel Shackle 1.15 (r forearm) whispers: ***LA*** is now prevented from interacting with the environment.
[0:58] Zealot Benmergui: No need baby..unless you count the cot leg
[0:58] Steel Shackle 1.15 (r forearm) whispers: ***LA*** is now restricted to first person view only.
[0:58] ***MM***: um those are usually bolted to the floor...not that I've been there.....
[0:58] RR Scarf blindfold (nose) 1.15 whispers: ***LA***'s RR Scarf blindfold (nose) 1.14.2 has been locked by ***SO*** (Type Opaque).
[0:58] Zealot Benmergui: Anyway....I hear what some of you are asking..or at least HOPEFULLY are asking yourselves… isn’t that a catch 22? How does a Dominant get experience, if all the submissive want them to already HAVE experience. Well, as in all walks of life, the trick is faking it, at least for a little while.
[0:59] ***RS***: Ya should have seen me you would have laughed your asses off. I was pathetic. Constantly worried that I was hurting her, etc etc. My point is that I was ushered into the scene with kindness understanding and mature guidance. Equal experience isn't really a good thing.
[0:59] Zealot Benmergui: owards that end, today I will be giving away some secrets, describing ways for a Dominant to avoid looking like a complete neophyte (or asshole)…and some traits for submissives to avoid, at least if they are looking for experienced masters. Remember that many of these traits are equally true for both new but serious minded Dominant and obnoxious, thrill seeking tourists, so judge each person for yourself.
[0:59] Zealot Benmergui: Now remember, I am not saying that a Dom should PRETEND to have more experience then they do..after all, I am sure that NEVER happens in online D/s...
[1:00] ***MM***: no.......people don't LIE ON LINE!
[1:00] ***MM***: omg
[1:00] Zealot Benmergui: But there are ways to behave.,.and ways NOT to behave as a newcomer
[1:00] Zealot Benmergui: First of all…shut up. In public
[1:00] ***RS***: heh.
[1:01] Zealot Benmergui: one of the first ways you can spot a new Dominant is by the fact he talks endlessly in open chat, and mostly nonsense. He chatters, laughs loud and apparently at random, acts like he thinks a “Master” is supposed to act, which usually is like a drunken frat boy in leather underwear. If you want to appear experienced, say little, choose your words carefully. I know at times we lose our heads and want to say everything at once, but try not to.
[1:01] Zealot Benmergui: Total silence is also not good, but there should be a happy median
[1:01] ***MM***: lulz....you've just described 99 percent of the sl male lifestyle population
[1:02] Zealot Benmergui: Sometimes Wisdom is just not saying enough for people to see you are a fool...
[1:02] RR Scarf blindfold (nose) 1.15 whispers: ***LA***'s RR Scarf blindfold (nose) 1.14.2 has been unlocked by ***SO*** after 2:52:20 (detached 0 times)
[1:02] RR Scarf blindfold (nose) 1.15 whispers: ***LA***'s RR Scarf blindfold (nose) 1.14.2 has been locked by ***SO*** (Type Lock).
[1:02] ***RS***: And about seventy percent of the sl Dommes.
[1:02] Steel Shackle 1.15 (r forearm) whispers: ***LA***'s Steel Shackle 1.14.2 (r forearm) has been locked by ***SO*** (Type 5 Sides).
[1:02] Steel Shackle 1.15 (r forearm) whispers: ***LA*** is now allowed to go to third person view.
[1:02] Zealot Benmergui: What do you do if your clothing starts to have an argument while emoting...do they jerk you around like a puppet?
[1:03] ***FT*** cocks an eyebrow at Ryan
[1:03] ***MM***: lol...every part of her body is talking to us
[1:03] ***RS***: Ya know it's true Fey.
[1:03] ***SL***: mmmm cock
[1:03] Zealot Benmergui: Easy there, no Dom/Domme fights...I don;t have enough kleenex
[1:03] ***MM***: noooooo
[1:03] ***MM***: cat fight!
[1:03] ***RS***: heh
[1:04] ***FT*** grins
[1:04] ***SL***: i always carry kleenex
[1:04] ***MM***: in her bra
[1:04] Zealot Benmergui: I'll bet you do
[1:04] ***SL*** grins
[1:04] Zealot Benmergui: OK, going on....Next…calm down.
[1:04] ***SA***: that means she stuffs her bra
[1:04] ***SL*** relaxes
[1:04] Zealot Benmergui: She wears a bra?
[1:04] ***SL***: no i stuff my pants
[1:04] Zealot Benmergui: Picking fights and calling names is a sign of insecurity, not dominance. Poseurs feel the need to try their manhood by acting like an asshat in public, and tend to look all the more absurd when you consider what are they going to do about their snit? Take the guy outside and pose at him? And as for insulting or pushing around submissives in public…no decent master would ever do such a thing.
[1:05] Zealot Benmergui: Planned punishments perhaps, but just plain bullying? No…and if they do they are likely to be called out and made to look like the fool they are by a real Dominant in the same room. A true Dominant is in control of himself and his emotions, or at least always appears to be.
[1:05] ***SL*** takes off bra, waves it in the air to prove the boob job has worked
[1:05] Steel Shackle 1.14.2 (r lower leg) whispers: ***LA***'s Steel Shackle 1.14.2 (r lower leg) has been locked by ***SO*** (Type Kneel).
[1:05] Steel Shackle 1.14.2 (r lower leg) whispers: ***LA***'s Steel Shackle 1.14.2 (r lower leg) has been unlocked by ***SO*** after 2:19:10 (detached 0 times)
[1:05] Steel Shackle 1.14.2 (r lower leg) whispers: ***LA***'s Steel Shackle 1.14.2 (r lower leg) has been locked by ***SO*** (Type Lock).
[1:05] Zealot Benmergui: Woul;d have been better if you hadn;t left the tits in the bra, Seks
[1:05] ***SA*** steals the bra and throws it into a tree
[1:06] ***SL*** cums
[1:06] ***SL***: thanks Az
[1:06] ***AA***: Not a problem
[1:06] Zealot Benmergui: However, we have all seen the guys who walk into the club abd think they can push around the first "girl" they come across..since "hey, she said she is submissive..."
[1:06] Zealot Benmergui: to quote Dustin Hoffman as Captain Hook..."Bad form...bad form..."
[1:06] ***MM***: that goes over well with me...for sure!
[1:07] Zealot Benmergui: A first sign of a new or inexperienced Dom is that he feels that he has to Dominate, everyone, ALL the time
[1:07] Zealot Benmergui: Going on...Thirdly, keep it light. A true Dominant knows the value of a gentle touch and warm smile, especially in public. Be polite, be witty, be courteous. Give compliments freely and honestly. Tip. Act like what a true Dominant is..a noble gentleman. Don’t be crude, be risqué…don’t be sarcastic, be sardonic…don’t be dismissive, be generous…don’t be arrogant, be confidant…don’t be evil, be diabolical.
[1:07] Zealot Benmergui: ESPECIALLY when multiple strap ons are involved
[1:08] Zealot Benmergui: You will find that people will respond much more readily to a genial and clever manner then they will a lot of bombast…despite the stereotype.
[1:08] ***RS***: You're leaving out a specific group ta watch for Zeal. The Doms/Dommes that have done all the appropriate reading, explored all the rhetoric and dogma, and still live in their mothers basement.
[1:08] ***MM***: yeah YOU got that diabolical thing down pat Master
[1:08] Zealot Benmergui just smiles....I think I'm sweet
[1:08] Zealot Benmergui: Fourth, find your own style and love it. A true Dominant is an individual before he is anything. In manner, in dress, in decoration...he walks his own path. Find what suits you, and stick to it. Don’t be a slave to changing fashion, or fads, or what some other guy is wearing. And then once you find your style, be consistent and subtle about it. Those are the kinds of cues that show self-confidence, a calm and direct nature, a mature sensibility.
[1:09] Zealot Benmergui: Avoid large, multicollared phalli, and tags that use the word master or Dom...especially more then once
[1:09] ***RS***: heh
[1:09] ***MM***: nooo...make your first name Master and have a title
[1:09] ***MM***: bc that is awesome sauce
[1:10] ***FT***: yes SupremeMaster is even better if available
[1:10] Zealot Benmergui: If you are depending on your leather chaps or the Masterly Dominant master of mastertown title to get you laid, I fear for you
[1:10] Zealot Benmergui: Fourth, find your own style and love it. A true Dominant is an individual before he is anything. In manner, in dress, in decoration...he walks his own path. Find what suits you, and stick to it. Don’t be a slave to changing fashion, or fads, or what some other guy is wearing. And then once you find your style, be consistent and subtle about it. Those are the kinds of cues that show self-confidence, a calm and direct nature, a mature sensibility.
[1:10] Zealot Benmergui: sorry, I am repeating myself
[1:10] ***MM***: it was the strap on talk!
[1:10] ***FT***: its ok, Fourth was a very good point
[1:10] ***RS***: LMAO come on Zeal, if that silly shit didn't work people'd stop using it right quick.
[1:11] ***FT***: worth a repeat
[1:11] ***FT***: don't look like a walking stereotype would be a good paraphrase
[1:11] ***FT***: its boring
[1:11] ***RS***: Do they ever get taken seriously by people in the know? Well fuck no, but still.
[1:11] Zealot Benmergui: You would be surprised how often people will keep trying things that didn;t work
[1:11] Zealot Benmergui: And lastly....be honest. Be frank and open about the fact you are learning, and what you are looking for both in a submissive and yourself. Don;t try and pass yourself off as something you are not..you will just end up looking like a shmuck.
[1:11] Zealot Benmergui: Remember..submissives talk to each other. Once you earn a reputation as a lousy Master, or worse, a jerk, it is harder to lose then ugly luggage.
[1:12] Zealot Benmergui: These five traits speak volumes about a person, and can be practiced and worked on in all of your dealings, both online and in the real world. They may not replace experience, but I can promise you they will ensure that you GET experience pretty damn quick…and looking for them will help a submissive to avoid having to regret kneeling to a man who said he had all the answers, but had a lot of trouble even remembering the questions.
[1:13] Zealot Benmergui: Now then, as always, I open the floor to discussion, group sex, raging humilation, multiple strap on penetrtation and cake....