The Appeal of Online BDSM - 3/16/09

[7:11] Zealot Benmergui: Welcome A/all to the House of V’s College of Kink. My name is Zealot Benmergui, Baron BardHaven and I will be your host today. Some of you may know me from lecturing here at House of V and other locations around the grid. Others of you may know me from guest appearances on such HBO series as “Ancient and Horny: The Dr. Ruth Story”, where I played Geriatric Nurse with Large Penis.
[7:11] Zealot Benmergui: By the way, I worked with no stunt double in that picture....the scent of dentucream still makes me hide in the corner.
[7:12] Zealot Benmergui: The topic for today is "The Appeal of Online BDSM”. We will discuss the elements that make BDSM and D/s the closest thing SL has to a mainstream sexual identity. Please note that for the purpose of clarity, I will tend to use “she” to refer to a submissive and “he” to refer to a Dominant, but either can be of any gender. Your humble lecturer WILL accept tips, but they must be paid to me directly, if you are so inclined, thank you.
[7:12] Zealot Benmergui: Feel free to interject, throw panties or make noises during the lecture, but there will be time for questions and arguing following the main lecture.
[7:13] Zealot Benmergui: Ahh..Second Life....on the surface, so straightforward...in practice, twisted as an electified snake.
[7:13] Zealot Benmergui: There are many puzzles which tend to confound the wise regarding Second Life. First and foremost of course is why no one has made a realistic penis from flexi prims as of yet, closely followed by why do the Lindens still think they can sell SL as a button down corporate meeting environment.
[7:14] Zealot Benmergui: Perhaps those two are linked, now that I think about it.
[7:14] Zealot Benmergui: Anyway....
[7:14] Zealot Benmergui: The puzzle I wish to address today is WHY when people think of sex in SL, they almost always think of BDSM…or something more extreme. No nice cuddling poses come to mind, or slow missionary what have you…But no, to most people, fucking in SL involves prim restraints and many strange facial animations.
[7:15] Zealot Benmergui: BDSM is no longer the deviant shame it was when I was a far younger man. Sure, the more extreme forms are still frowned over, sniggered at and could result in arrest in many places, but these days, hell, everybody likes a good spanking now and then.
[7:16] ***MC*** grins
[7:16] Zealot Benmergui: Youcan buy velvet lined cuffs in Hallmark shops...however, most people in RL would not typify themselves as being into BDSM, let alone as sadists, masochists, slaves or Dominanats.
[7:17] Zealot Benmergui: So it is not the bleeding edge of the Kinsey report anymore, but it is still not the norm...or at least not ADMITTED to be.
[7:17] Zealot Benmergui: However, face it..it IS the norm in SL
[7:17] Zealot Benmergui: Why?
[7:17] Zealot Benmergui: Well, first of all, a good part of what would normally be the vanilla, mainstream community don’t buy the concept of sex in SL, or online, AT ALL. They assume it is ALL perverted, sophomoric and in very, very poor taste and don’t want any part of it. Much like some people who will tell you they are culturally superior and therefore never watch TV, some people will say they never cyber online and think the very idea is sick…an especially primitive form of pornography.
[7:18] Zealot Benmergui: They all miss the days of playing SLingo and camping the night away on dance pads....
[7:18] Zealot Benmergui: And they never so much as stare too long at a pixeleated breast...
[7:20] Zealot Benmergui: Yeah, right. Pull the other one, I have it tied to your clit.
[7:21] Zealot Benmergui: Still, some people are serious about it…they don’t just have an alt for getting freaky. I have found that there is no point in trying to argue rationally with these sorts of people, or to try and point out the value and benefits of online sexual activity. Better just to accept the inevitability of their ignorance beat them to death with a cricket bat, sodomize their twitching corpse and move on.
[7:22] Zealot Benmergui: Once we have eliminated the anti-internet sex league from the equation, why is it then that most everyone who admits that SL and online life CAN and SHOULD involve sexual expression, fall into the BDSM camp or beyond? Is computer use inherently kinky? Something about jacking into a SCSI port get us all hot and bothered?
[7:22] Zealot Benmergui: No one has really done a proper study, mainly because most people in BDSM communities in SL are too busy fucking, trying to fuck or pretending to be anti-socially rebelliously gothically tormented to do anything as bourgeois as answer a fucking survey, you toad.
[7:23] Zealot Benmergui: However, if they DID do a survey, I have a feeling at least some of the following points would make the list of why BDSM is so popular in SL…
[7:24] Zealot Benmergui: First of all, BDSM is very dramatic. No, I don’t mean it has lots of DRAMA you silly emos…even though it usually does. No, I mean BDSM has lots of elements that translate really well to Second Life in a highly visual fashion. Everyone loves clever objects and scripts in SL, and BDSM is chock full of them. Cool clothing, toys, furniture, animations…face it BDSM in SL has lots of great stuff to play with. It is a pretty poor castle that doesn’t have a dungeon in there somewhere, so people like to have something to do in them.
[7:24] Zealot Benmergui: ...and SL has LOTS of castles.
[7:25] Zealot Benmergui: Secondly, BDSM is the sort of thing which many people have fantasized about in real life, but never had the possibility, opportunity or nerve to try. Just as many women in SL try out their fantasy of being am escort of a promiscuous slut when they would never be either in RL, so many try out being a slave or Master/Mistress. It is an ideal way to combine a way to have a good time, to role play something that walks the line between fantasy and reality, and to get their rocks off at the same time. All good.
[7:26] Zealot Benmergui: In some ways, such things as experiments in BDSM, or more extreme kinks, are the reason that SL exists at all...after all, LL used to say we could do ANYTHING in SL.
[7:26] Zealot Benmergui: Whether that is still true or not is open to debate...
[7:26] Zealot Benmergui: but dammit, we will TRY to do anything
[7:27] Zealot Benmergui: Next, BDSM online tends to be viewed as being somewhat serious minded, or spiritual, even when people are using it as a virtual copy of Hot Bitches in Latex. There is a lot of information available out there about the philosophy beyond BDSM, and a lot of people online are committed to it as a lifestyle, or at least say they are.
[7:28] Zealot Benmergui: It feels less like cruising for cheap thrills to say you are part of a BDSM community, rather than saying you log into go to a virtual nude beach and sit with your tits out until some idiot from Brazil comes over and pretends to have sex with your cartoon.
[7:29] Zealot Benmergui: Therefore, it isn’t just a masturbatory aid, it is a way to “expand your sensual horizons”. It also gives you something to talk about at dinner parties…”Well, it is very interesting that you once met a porn star, but I am a sex slave on the internet.”
[7:29] ***VS*** ponders
[7:29] Zealot Benmergui: Bet that gets you a few free drinks.
[7:29] ***MC*** grins
[7:29] Zealot Benmergui: On top of all that…Socially, BDSM is simply a good way to meet people who are also interested in online sexuality. It is far easier to strike up a conversation with someone at a club such as House of V then it is in a free sex Sim or similar location.
[7:30] Zealot Benmergui: The conversation is usually more intelligent, or at least strives to be. It is rare when in a busy BDSM club you don;t meet at least one person to talk to, and who you may wish to do more then talk with.
[7:32] Zealot Benmergui: So, BDSM in Sl, as opposed to free sex vlubs and other communities, tends to be more serious minded, better supported by creators and designers, more interactive, more widely spread and provide more benefits socially and sexually...
[7:32] Zealot Benmergui: But what about for those of us who are onely connected to BDSM and D/s in real life? Are there still benefits to be had for the lifestyler?
[7:33] Zealot Benmergui: *Openly
[7:33] Zealot Benmergui: Absolutely...Online BDSM is also tremendously useful to those of us who are involved with the D/s lifestyle in real life since it is a way to practice it safely, discretely, and in tandem with partners who may be on the other side of the world.
[7:34] Zealot Benmergui: I have had rl slaves, as well as online slaves...and while there are certain undeniable meaty advantages to a sub in RL, there are also advantages to online subs.
[7:34] Zealot Benmergui: Far more interesting, involved, sexually powerful and interested women are available in Sl then in most areas of the world....
[7:35] Zealot Benmergui: In Sl, all kinks are available, there is nothing you may be into or want to try that you can't find in the Sl BDSM community.
[7:35] Zealot Benmergui: Few of us can say that in RL.
[7:35] ***MC***: very true
[7:36] Zealot Benmergui: So for all of these reasons, BDSM is the sexual preference that is most common in SL, or at least most openly professed. In Second Life, we don;t have to be afraid of being whoa nd what we are, and embracing those things we enjoy.
[7:38] Zealot Benmergui: Which now brings us to the discussion, questions and group sex portion of our lecture.
[7:39] Zealot Benmergui: Do any of you have any suggestions that I missed as to WHY SL is do samn freaky?
[7:39] Zealot Benmergui: *so damn
[7:40] ***MC***: For the most part because ppl feel less restricted....they remain safe behind their keyboards
[7:40] Zealot Benmergui: nods..that is definetly a major plus
[7:40] Zealot Benmergui: and it should be
[7:40] Zealot Benmergui: I have counselled many people in RL who expressed interest in Sl to try it online first
[7:40] Zealot Benmergui: *in BDSM, that is
[7:41] Zealot Benmergui: It is a way to see if it suits them without spending a lot onleather goods..or potentially getting hurt or throwing a hand grenade into their life
[7:41] ***MC***: But....being a RL Mistress...there are so many more options here then in RL.....I have 1 slave in rl...here I have 4
[7:41] Zealot Benmergui: Nods
[7:42] ***MC***: Willing to do anything
[7:42] Zealot Benmergui: in RL, one slave is a major investment of time..more then one slave requires total committment
[7:42] Zealot Benmergui: in SL, it is far easier to manage
[7:42] ***MC***: Exactly
[7:43] Zealot Benmergui: Ideally...such things in Sl are enhancments of people's rl sex lives..it isn;t their ENTIRE life
[7:44] ***MC***: Very true...here I have time to shop, explore etc. and when I want....I'll tp my girls
[7:44] Zealot Benmergui: and as an enhancement, BDSM is far more attractive to most people...a side dish, not the main course
[7:45] ***VS***: hm
[7:45] Zealot Benmergui: Also, when you are in SL, who completely reenact your RL sex life?
[7:45] Zealot Benmergui: Most people prefer to add a little spice, and BDSM is ideal for that.
[7:45] Zealot Benmergui: *why
[7:46] ***VS***: I think all these things are true but I also think there is a dimension byond these
[7:46] Zealot Benmergui: So BDSM online is a way for the experienced to indulge more easily, and the neophyte to explore and learn, or just be naughtier then normal
[7:46] Zealot Benmergui: Yes Miss Schism?
[7:46] ***VS***: that, in an environment where one caqn be sexually free,
[7:47] ***VS***: for a lot of people, that freedom is instantly dentified as something dark
[7:47] ***VS***: becauxsse of the wrold that exists in uor heads even if we may consciouslyt reject those values
[7:47] ***MC***: I agree
[7:48] Zealot Benmergui: nods....I see that, definetly.
[7:48] Zealot Benmergui: We all have a dark side
[7:48] Zealot Benmergui: some darker then others...Sl goves us a way to express that more freely, especially in BDSM
[7:49] ***VS***: yes, but, mm, that isn;t exactly what I meant, it;s hard for me to express
[7:49] ***VS***: the freedom itself,
[7:49] Zealot Benmergui listens
[7:49] ***VS***: many eople judge themselves,
[7:49] ***VS***: and think, the freedom itself is transgressive
[7:50] ***VS***: so they group it with other things that are transgressive
[7:50] Zealot Benmergui: because they have freedom,. they automatically translate that into access to what they view as dark, or scary..such as BDSM?
[7:50] ***VS***: Yes, for many, though of course not everyone
[7:50] Zealot Benmergui: nods..yes, I think that is a very good point
[7:51] Zealot Benmergui: when people have total freedom, they are not going to take their normal path, or bake cookies..they automatically assume freedom is for things beyond their normal comfort zone
[7:51] ***VS***: also, we look better in the clothes here
[7:52] Zealot Benmergui: damn right
[7:52] ***VS***: /mer laughs
[7:52] ***MC***: hahahahahha
[7:53] Zealot Benmergui: I know many wonderful, delightful, sexually delicious women in SL...but most look better in latex here then they do in rl..just a fact
[7:53] ***VS***: absitively
[7:53] ***sA***: you won't atract anyone if, here, you look fat and dirty. everybody wants to be at his top. another way to carry out one's fantasy.
[7:54] ***VS***: and, for women especially, thinking about how they must look can be inhibiting in RL, here that is removed
[7:54] Zealot Benmergui: nods...though most people who last more then a few months in Sl quickly dismiss the beauty of your avatar
[7:54] Zealot Benmergui: 2000L, a troglodyte can look hawt
[7:55] Zealot Benmergui: I agree miss Schism..plus many feel Ï look like sin on two legs in Sl, why not make the most of it?
[7:55] ***MC***: Yes, though I have met ppl who made their avi's look like their rl selves....but they are scarse
[7:55] Zealot Benmergui: some do that as a concious choice..and I have respect that
[7:56] Zealot Benmergui: I have seen many very beautiful "plus size"avatars, or avatars not conventionally beautiful....but that is tne beauty of SL..you can look the way you choose to, and change daily if you wish
[7:57] Zealot Benmergui: another way you can express your sexuality freely...
[7:58] ***VS***: Maybe that is why there are so many furries in SL
[7:58] Zealot Benmergui: absolutely
[7:58] ***MC***: Yes.....your world, your imagination
[7:59] Zealot Benmergui: a way to express something you can;t in Sl, or that would be far too extreme for youir life to bear
[8:00] ***sA***: SL is cheaper than a psychologist and can be as good sometimes!
[8:00] ***MC***: Very true!
[8:00] Zealot Benmergui: yes...but I mist say something I often do in these lectures...neither sL OR YOUR mASTER IS A GOOD SUPSTITUTE FOR MENTAL HEALTH CARE IF YOU NEED IT....
[8:00] Zealot Benmergui: caps irregardless
[8:00] ***VS***: amen
[8:01] ***sA***: smile