Jealousy - 2/20/09

[2009/02/20 9:13] Pirate Russell: Ok, please take all cross talk to IM, and all collar, etc commands to the secondary channels!
[2009/02/20 9:13] Pirate Russell: Welcome to House of V's College of Kink! As most of y'all know, My name is Pirate Russell, Head Mistress of the College, and today's instructor. I have been in SL for 3 years, a lesbian Domme, the entire time.
[2009/02/20 9:14] Pirate Russell: For any that need to leave early, all transcripts can be found at http://collegeofkink.blogspot.com
[2009/02/20 9:14] Pirate Russell: ((EVENTUALLY, he he))
[2009/02/20 9:14] Pirate Russell: DISCLAIMER: I have no training or schooling in Psychology,Psychiatry, or Counseling of ANY kind! All of My observations are from My real life and what I've found on the web
[2009/02/20 9:14] Pirate Russell: If you are having problems dealing with Jealousy, PLEASE PLEASE contact a competent professional!
[2009/02/20 9:14] Pirate Russell: Jealousy typically refers to the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that occur when a person believes a valued relationship is being threatened by a rival.
[2009/02/20 9:15] Pirate Russell: Dr. Jennifer James, author of "Women and the Blues: Passions That Hurt, Passions That Heal", wrote:
[2009/02/20 9:15] Pirate Russell: "Jealousy is simply and clearly the fear that you do not have value. Jealousy scans for evidence to prove the point - that others will be preferred and rewarded more than you.
[2009/02/20 9:15] Pirate Russell: There is only one alternative - self-value. If you cannot love yourself, you will not believe that you are loved. You will always think it's a mistake or luck.
[2009/02/20 9:15] Pirate Russell: Take your eyes off others and turn the scanner within. Find the seeds of your jealousy, clear the old voices and experiences."
[2009/02/20 9:16] Pirate Russell: Jealousy is an emotion that can be very damaging to ANY relationship. It can also prevent you from growing emotionally.
[2009/02/20 9:16] Pirate Russell: It is not the same thing as envy. Jealousy wants what someone else has. Envy is when you don't want someone else to have what you don't have.
[2009/02/20 9:16] Pirate Russell: If a person is jealous, they already have what is desired but they are afraid of losing it.
[2009/02/20 9:16] Pirate Russell: When you are feeling jealous, you are undergoing an emotional combination of anger, dependency, hurt, and self doubt. When you spend time focusing on what you are not, this is a result of insecurity.
[2009/02/20 9:17] Pirate Russell: Sometimes when we are afraid of losing something, we actually cause it to happen because of our actions and behaviors.
[2009/02/20 9:17] Pirate Russell: All our thoughts and actions are centered around our fears and insecurities. This causes more fear and insecurity. These feelings cause other harmful feelings and may result in us indulging in self pity.
[2009/02/20 9:18] Pirate Russell: What are some ways of dealing with jealousy?
[2009/02/20 9:18] Pirate Russell: * Develop independence. We need to be sure we are not overly dependant on any one person. We need to focus on the good things we have and not on what we don't have.
[2009/02/20 9:18] Pirate Russell: * Focus on developing more confidence and attractiveness. Sometimes something simple like getting our hair done or changing our style of clothing can help.
[2009/02/20 9:18] Pirate Russell: Taking a course on self esteem or assertiveness is also beneficial.
[2009/02/20 9:18] Pirate Russell: * Be honest with yourself. Sit down with paper and list things that are making you jealous. Look at it objectively. Are these things silly or trivial or are they really important?
[2009/02/20 9:19] Pirate Russell: * Communicate with the person who is the object of your jealousy. Tell them your feelings. Is that person doing something that is causing you to be jealous? Letting them know can often help the problem.
[2009/02/20 9:19] Pirate Russell: If this other person cares for you, they will work on changing the behavior that is adding to your jealousy. Being aware of your feelings can also help you cope better.
[2009/02/20 9:19] Pirate Russell: Realize that jealousy shows your lack of self esteem and uncertainty of your own worth. Work on taking a really good self evaluation.
[2009/02/20 9:20] Pirate Russell: This experience can be a wonderful learning opportunity for you. Work on communication with other people. Work on developing confidence.
[2009/02/20 9:20] Pirate Russell: * Study your rival. Look closely at the person you are jealous about. What do you like and dislike about the person? Are his or her qualities beyond your abilities? Be sure you are not being unrealistic about that person. Are you seeing things as they
[2009/02/20 9:20] Pirate Russell: Take control of your feelings. Terminate the relationship if nothing else seems to work. Take the time to concentrate on your own growth. Work at trying to understand and improve your relationship.
[2009/02/20 9:21] Pirate Russell: * Do not overreact. Remember, most incidents are temporary so don't magnify what happened.
[2009/02/20 9:21] Pirate Russell: Serious jealousy stems from a fear of loss, reputation, control of ourselves, our spouses, or relationships. Losing control of our emotions and feelings will only make things worse.
[2009/02/20 9:21] Pirate Russell: Bad reactions to Jealousy can even cause legal problems. I spent almoust 7 years as a Public Safety Telecommunications Officer (Big words for 911 Dispatcher).
[2009/02/20 9:22] Pirate Russell: Not one shift went by where I didn't deal with a seriuos domestic problem. Most, I'd wager, stemmed from jealousy. How many of us have read this in or local or national news media, "If I can't have him/her, then nobody can!" I've know that many people
[2009/02/20 9:22] Pirate Russell: I, for one, don't want to be someplace I'm not wanted. That's not fun for Me!
[2009/02/20 9:22] Pirate Russell: Likewise, I dont' force anyone, particularly My submissives to be with Me if they're not having fun.
[2009/02/20 9:22] Pirate Russell: This is part of My Primary rule, that real life comes first, if you're not having fun, let's go do something that is, together or apart!
[2009/02/20 9:23] Pirate Russell: I do get jealous sometimes. My girls have significant others with whom they spend time. I INSIST that they do! One has a fiancee, one a girl friend, and another a girl of her own.
[2009/02/20 9:23] Pirate Russell: I miss them when they're not around, I am envious of the time they spend away, but I want them to have fun.
[2009/02/20 9:23] Pirate Russell: Knowing they're having fun makes it all ok for Me. I want My girls, My friends, My acquaintences, and even most of My enemies to have fun.
[2009/02/20 9:24] Pirate Russell: By having other friends, they've places to go have fun when I'm alone with one of the other girls. Even when I'm alone with one, I envy the time that the others spend away.
[2009/02/20 9:24] Pirate Russell: I'm going to close today with one of My very favorite quotes on the subject, by Robert A Heinlein,
[2009/02/20 9:24] Pirate Russell: "Love" is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
[2009/02/20 9:24] Astryl Bing is Online
[2009/02/20 9:24] Pirate Russell: Jealousy is a disease, love is a healthy condition. The immature mind often mistakes one for the other, or assumes that the greater the love, the greater the jealousy."
[2009/02/20 9:25] Pirate Russell: Citations:
[2009/02/20 9:25] Pirate Russell: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jealousy
[2009/02/20 9:25] Pirate Russell: http://www.allaboutlifechallenges.org/dealing-with-jealousy-faq.htm
[2009/02/20 9:25] Pirate Russell: http://www.todays-woman.net/quoteid-2304.html
[2009/02/20 9:25] Pirate Russell: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/r/robert_a_heinlein.html
[2009/02/20 9:25] Pirate Russell: Questions???? Comments?
[2009/02/20 9:26] ***KC***: can over coming jealousy in a relationship strengthen the relationship
[2009/02/20 9:26] ***AS***: thank you, Miss Pirate
[2009/02/20 9:26] Pirate Russell guesses Eve has no questions... he he
[2009/02/20 9:27] Pirate Russell: I think that is one ofthe best ways to strengthen one, ***KC***, look at what you learn when you overcome it
[2009/02/20 9:27] ***AG***: that's a lot to think about, ty
[2009/02/20 9:27] ***MG***: Yes, it really is a lot of helpful information. ty
[2009/02/20 9:27] ***AS***: Many dominates in sl insist they are the only person you play with, but they can have as many subs as they like..... that tends to lead to jealous.....
[2009/02/20 9:27] Pirate Russell: Right behind Communication (SHAMELESS plug for next week's class) overcoming jealousy can help a relationship
[2009/02/20 9:28] ***MG***: how do you suggest we cope with feelings of jealousy?
[2009/02/20 9:28] Pirate Russell: You learn that you have worth.. .that your..... other values you.....
[2009/02/20 9:28] ***MG***: at those times, it's difficult to summon up thoughts of self-worth.. the jealousy is just all consuming.
[2009/02/20 9:28] Pirate Russell: The way I do it, is KNOWING ***IM*** is having fun with her fiancee. Loving her means that I want her hapy
[2009/02/20 9:29] ***KC***: girl is learning to be more secure in her relationship and by doing that is less jealous
[2009/02/20 9:29] Pirate Russell: Can't be both Jealous and secure.
[2009/02/20 9:29] Pirate Russell: I also know that if I summon ***IM***, no matter what she's doing, or with who, she will come
[2009/02/20 9:29] ***MG***: yes, that's true..
[2009/02/20 9:30] Pirate Russell: I can make her, thankyou, RLV, but she WOULD come
[2009/02/20 9:30] ***IM*** giggles
[2009/02/20 9:30] ***SL*** listening with a bit of pleasure. Nodding.
[2009/02/20 9:30] Pirate Russell: Same with any of My other girls
[2009/02/20 9:30] ***KC*** smiles knowingly at sis
[2009/02/20 9:31] ***AG***: i dont mean to sound argumentative, but isnt making her come to you when you want undervaluing her worth?
[2009/02/20 9:31] Pirate Russell: ***MG***, did that answer your question?
[2009/02/20 9:32] ***SL***: It is also a childs tool I see used a lot by the unsecure.
[2009/02/20 9:32] ***MG***: yes, thank you. i suppose it is a long drawn process.. coping won't come overnight.
[2009/02/20 9:33] Pirate Russell: Yes, it is not a simple process.... first working on self worth is NEVER easy, when you have little.. he he
[2009/02/20 9:33] Pirate Russell: Second, it's hard to see that you already have what you want. Most people have envy and think it's jealousy
[2009/02/20 9:34] ***MG***: what about possessiveness?
[2009/02/20 9:35] Pirate Russell: Possessivness is a tool of jealousy. If I was worried about losing ***IM*** (and at that point, I prolly would have) I could be possessive, and 'restrict' her to Me.
[2009/02/20 9:35] Pirate Russell: That would lead to resentment, and over time, an ending of the relationship
[2009/02/20 9:35] ***AS***: of course peeing on you ex's toothbrush is very theraputic too :)
[2009/02/20 9:35] ***MG***: lol
[2009/02/20 9:35] ***AG***: eeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwww
[2009/02/20 9:36] ***IM***: Hahahaha
[2009/02/20 9:36] Pirate Russell: Like grabbing a handful of sand, grab it, it slips thru your fingers, cup the sand, and you keep much more if it
[2009/02/20 9:36] Pirate Russell: Not unless she LIKED it!
[2009/02/20 9:36] ***AS***: btw, I have never done that
[2009/02/20 9:36] ***MG*** giggles
[2009/02/20 9:36] Pirate Russell: And, ***AG***, Imissed your question.
[2009/02/20 9:37] Pirate Russell: Yes, MAKING her come to Me, is like that grabbing at the sand, she will slip thru My fingers
[2009/02/20 9:37] Pirate Russell: Sorry
[2009/02/20 9:37] ***AG***: guess i have another now: so if a relationship is secure, both partners will be comfortable allowing each other the same freedoms??
[2009/02/20 9:37] ***MG***: and cupping the sand symbolizes support?
[2009/02/20 9:38] Pirate Russell: Yes, and handling things more gently,
[2009/02/20 9:39] Pirate Russell: Well, ***AG***, that depends on the relationship, any relationship, D/s or Vanilla, is as different as the people, and farm animals, that are in it
[2009/02/20 9:40] Pirate Russell: If y'all have decided that seeing others is your cup o' tea, then yes, not every relationship is an 'open one', or a polyamorus one.
[2009/02/20 9:40] Pirate Russell: My RL hubby and I have a GREAT relationship. We have total trust, he "lets" Me have My relationships here.
[2009/02/20 9:40] ***AG***: but having that agreement btw partners would be the impt thing
[2009/02/20 9:40] Pirate Russell: But in RL it's Him and Me agaisnt the world.
[2009/02/20 9:41] Pirate Russell: Yes, agreements are what relatinships are. what is a business relationship. I use your business to guild My widgets..... an agreement
[2009/02/20 9:42] Pirate Russell: what's a marriage, you stand up in front of a judge/clergyman and agree to "love honor and obey"
[2009/02/20 9:44] Pirate Russell: Anyother questions, comments, girls that want to strip?
[2009/02/20 9:44] ***MG***: lol
[2009/02/20 9:44] ***SL***: Thanks Pirate.
[2009/02/20 9:44] ***KC*** giggles
[2009/02/20 9:45] ***AG***: thank you
[2009/02/20 9:45] ***AS***: thanks for the talk Pirate
[2009/02/20 9:45] ***AS*** claps
[2009/02/20 9:45] Pirate Russell: it is My pleasure y'all, and before you think about tipping, if you're inclined, please go to West of Ireland and donate to Project Children
[2009/02/20 9:45] ***IM*** smiles and nods
[2009/02/20 9:45] ***MG***: thanks Pirate
[2009/02/20 9:46] ***AG***: i will do that.......... :o)
[2009/02/20 9:46] Pirate Russell: Thanks to Y/y'all for coming
[2009/02/20 9:46] ***SL*** nodding "Good plan...... pleasures path all."
[2009/02/20 9:46] ***KC***: thanks Miss Pirate for another great discussion
[2009/02/20 9:47] Pirate Russell has a brand new one next week, communication, ***IM*** ill tell Y/y'all it's a good 'n!
[2009/02/20 9:47] ***KC*** nods
[2009/02/20 9:47] ***MG***: will try to be there
[2009/02/20 9:47] ***MG***: thanks a lot and see ya
[2009/02/20 9:48] Pirate Russell: oh, uh.... class dismissed! LOL
[2009/02/20 9:48] ***AS***: yey
[2009/02/20 9:53] Pirate Russell sends ***IM*** hme... he he
[2009/02/20 9:53] ***IM***: Bye
[2009/02/20 9:53] ***KC***: goodbye sis