Doms have RESPONSIBILITIES too, ya silly bastard - 2/2/09

[7:13] Zealot Benmergui: Welcome A/all to the House of V’s College of Kink. My name is Zealot Benmergui, Baron BardHaven and I will be your host today. Some of you may know me from lecturing here at House of V and other locations around the grid. Others of you may know me as the voice of Timmy the Swedish Jockey in “My Little Pony IV: Stable of Sin”
[7:13] Zealot Benmergui: The topic for today is "Doms have RESPONSIBILITIES too, ya silly bastard”. Last lecture we talked about a Dom’s rightsin a relationship and today we will discuss the responsibilities a Dom takes up when he accepts a submissive. Please note that for the purpose of clarity, I will tend to use “she” to refer to a submissive and “he” to refer to a Dominant, but either can be of any gender. Your humble lecturer WILL accept tips, but they must be paid to me directly, if you are so inclined, thank you.
[7:14] Zealot Benmergui: As I mentioned before, we talk a lot about things the sub should and must do in discussions like this. This is partly due to the fact that submissives are by and large cuter then Doms, with all those lovely curves and such. They also usually smell better. The fact that submissives are seen as the more vulnerable person in a D/s couple also leads us to focus on them a great deal out of concern for their safety. Add in the fact that most of the people who attend these sorts of lectures and discussions are subs and it becomes a pretty submission-centric affair.
[7:15] Zealot Benmergui: However, Doms need guidance and input just as much as subs do, often more so, and sometimes they need support and protection from those vicious little kittens as well. This is made harder because Doms are often not especially open to advice from their submissives, and don’t tend to play well with other Dominants. Beyond that, I feel it is good for subs to have a clearer vision of a Dom’s needs and responsibilities.
[7:16] Zealot Benmergui: After all, a good D/s relationship takes two people….well, actually a D/s relationship can take up to 12 people if they squeeze and one gets strapped to the roof-rack. And to be honest, in this usage “people” is a pretty broad term and is very open to interpretation and improvisation. Long and short, a D/s relationship takes at least 2 people or other people-like things to function.
[7:17] Zealot Benmergui: However, just because a person or other thing may be the Dominant part of a relationship doesn’t mean they don’t have responsibilities or duties along with the perks. There are many lists of said duties around the lifestyle and the internet, but one of my favorites is put together by two fantastic authors on the D/s scene, Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton, and goes as follows…
[7:18] Zealot Benmergui: 1 – A Dom is Responsible for Stating their Needs, Wants and Desires
[7:18] Zealot Benmergui: Yes, communication again. We yammer on about a sub needing to be honest about what she likes and doesn’t like to their Dom, but the same holds true for the Dom. A sub can’t expect a Dom to read their mind, and that goes DOUBLE for a sub not assuming that putting on their collar also means they now have your User Guide. Subs, you NEED to have your Dom be clear about what they like, since In order to feel secure and happy in your submission it helps to have a clear cut idea of what your master expects of you and how to go about giving that to him.
[7:19] Zealot Benmergui: No one likes a Dom who is always demanding that he get his own rocks off (or whatever turns him on) first, last and always, but the “Martyr” Dom gets pretty annoying as well. “That’s alright pet, I just want you to be happy…oh, me? No, I’m fine…really. I will just sit here in the corner alone. No that’s OK, I enjoy it...it’s good for my inner strength. See? Great, love it…you just have a good time. Don’t worry about me.” No one likes to be Dommed by their Jewish Grandmother. Actually some people DO, but that is a separate kink called BubbiePlay which we will discuss at a later time…a MUCH later time.
[7:19] ***AK***: I like cucumber sandwiches.
[7:19] Zealot Benmergui notes that down
[7:20] ***SJ***: giggles
[7:20] ***SJ***: whispers me to
[7:20] Zealot Benmergui: 2 – A Dom is Responsible for Keeping Promises
[7:21] ***AK*** notes that down
[7:21] Zealot Benmergui: This one can be a tough one, but it is vitally important that a sub feel they can count on their Master’s word, even when that Master is online. If he says that he will log on Monday evening, it is important that he do so, or at least send a message explain why he couldn’t. Submissives need to feel that their Dom is truly there for them and looking out for them, and a few broken promises can destroy that confidence completely.
[7:21] Zealot Benmergui: I know personally this is a responsibility I often struggle with, as I have in the past promised more than in the end I could deliver to a sub or prospective sub. Promising too much is often just as bad as promising too little to a submissive, and we must take care to keep expectations reasonable and to follow through to the letter with what we say.
[7:22] Zealot Benmergui: Of course, we all must accept that sometimes, shit happens and you just CAN’T be where you promised to be or do what you promised to…in those cases, be honest and open with your sub, explain why you had to break a promise and make new plans…or just tell her you were kidnapped by bisexual zombie pirates and be done with it.
[7:23] ***SJ***: lol
[7:23] ***AK***: I promise to call you my little slut when im pounding away inside of you.
[7:23] ***SJ***: rolls her eyes
[7:23] ***AK***: mmmm pirates
[7:23] Zealot Benmergui: Lian A, you usually just call me Papa
[7:23] Zealot Benmergui: *liar
[7:24] ***AK***: shhhh
[7:24] Zealot Benmergui: 3 – A Dom is Responsible For His Own Safety and His Partner’s Safety
[7:24] Zealot Benmergui: This responsibility is primarily regarding rl situations, where the risk of physical injury is real and has to be taken seriously at all times. However, it also applies to emotional and social safety. Let’s take a very realistic scenario. Your sub is married in RL and her husband is unaware or at least uninvolved in their online relationships. When she tells you he is due home at any moment, don’t begin demanding actions that may put her at risk if he walks in.
[7:24] ***AK*** knows SL CPR
[7:25] Zealot Benmergui: Sitting at her computer chatting is one thing, but even the most liberal of husband may want to know why his wife is sitting at the computer with an anal plug in, reaming her pussy with the hair brush and begging the computer to let her cum…unless she has a Mac of course
[7:25] ***AK***: LMAO
[7:25] ***SJ***: howlz
[7:26] Zealot Benmergui: Even more care and sensitivity must be used when either of you have children…for obvious reasons. It is so tough to explain to little Johnny’s 4th grade teacher why when they play house, he spends all his time telling the little girls to “Suck it, slut…suck Master hard” or keeps asking the computer teacher where the fellatio pose balls are.
[7:26] ***AK*** thinks Shine has a Mac
[7:26] ***SJ***: nope
[7:26] ***AK***: you want one now though righ
[7:26] ***AK***: t
[7:26] ***SJ***: rotflmao
[7:26] Zealot Benmergui: In the same way, be honest and direct about your own real life situation. Set clear rules for both of you regarding the interaction between your real life and your second life and stick to them. Remember ideally RL relationship enhance a person’s real life, it shouldn’t replace it or complicate it for no good reason.
[7:27] Zealot Benmergui: 4 – A Dom is Responsible to Care for His Equipment
[7:27] ***AK***'s equipment is functioning within normal paramerters.
[7:28] Zealot Benmergui: keep your hands where we can see them, A
[7:28] Zealot Benmergui: Again, this one is mainly a rl issue, as damaged or unclean equipment in rl can cause injury, disease, and tends to smell really funky after a few weeks. However, it IS important for an online Dom to see that the playspace is well planned out and suits the needs of both the Dom and the sub. This may have to do with privacy, or the type of poses available or the decoration style…but it shows care and forethought on the part of a Dom when he takes pains to have a nice online environment for his sub.
[7:28] Zealot Benmergui: A Master setting up a nice online playspace is like a woman wearing nice lingerie...it shows he cares and has invested thought and effort into being with his sub. And since most Doms look pretty silly in black lace panties and ball gags, it is far more practical way for him to show his excitement then hitting the Victoria’s Secret.
[7:28] ***AK***: "I WANT THE WALLS RED"
[7:29] Zealot Benmergui: Don;t we all A, don;t we all....
[7:29] Zealot Benmergui: Lastly 5 – A Dom is Responsible for the Emotional Safety and Well Being of both Dom and sub.
[7:31] Zealot Benmergui: This is even more important than a Dom’s responsibility concerning physical safety, and certainly more relevant online. A Dom must remember at all times that there is a real live person behind the avatar, and they often are deeply and emotionally involved in what he does or says to them so great care should be taken. When you can avoid it, try not to react hastily or in anger to them, or without thinking.
[7:33] Zealot Benmergui: In the same way, a Dom needs to protect their own emotions. He needs to express himself when he is not happy in a relationship, or feels that something is not working. Just as a submissive is not a doormat, a Dom is not always an Oak. He also has feelings and emotions that deserve attention, especially by himself. There is no shame in being hurt by the actions of a person you care about, but you shouldn’t allow it to happen passively. Some Doms feel that to be Dominant means to be somehow invulnerable to feeling emotional pain….and some subs feel the same. Both are wrong.
[7:34] Zealot Benmergui: These are just the the basics as far as a Doms responsibilities are concerned. More specific responsibilities should be spelled out between a master and his sub and set down as rules for both to be aware of and to follow...but these serve as a pretty good guide to what a Dom should bring to a relationship, and what a sub should be able to expect.
[7:35] Zealot Benmergui: Which brings us to the portion which is reserved for questions, discussion and polishing Andreas' fenders
[7:35] ***AK***: Yay
[7:35] ***AK*** winks at Shine
[7:36] ***SJ*** pats a cute robot butt
[7:36] Zealot Benmergui: Is there anything any of you would add concerning a Dom's responsibilities?
[7:36] Zealot Benmergui: Some key element I have missed?
[7:36] ***AK***: What if we spot other so called Doms not using said responsibliies?
[7:37] Zealot Benmergui: that can be delicate....you can try to speak to them privately, if you can do it without being a nudge...
[7:37] Zealot Benmergui: but in those situations many Doms would view another Dom interfereing as him trying to make a move on his sub...Doms are usually territorial and paranoid
[7:37] ***AK***: Many Subs are gribed from the Vanilla side of things and think its right to be locked up and treated like a doormatt. Sitting there waiting for the good stuff.
[7:38] ***SJ***: when i c something that bothers me i speak to Master and we discuss it and usually is not my business and not knowingthere oboundries i stay out of it
[7:38] Zealot Benmergui: That can certainly happen..in those situations if you feel the sub needs to be set straight, it is usually best to stay out of it and have a more experienced sub speak to them
[7:39] Zealot Benmergui: nods to Miss janick...it can be very hard to know how or when to intervene
[7:39] ***AK***: I see so many subs by the same doms.
[7:39] ***AK***: hurt by*8
[7:40] ***SJ***: hi kellee
[7:40] ***KL***: helllo
[7:40] Zealot Benmergui: Nods..there is never a shortage of bad Doms..and girls who don;t see that, or at least not untilit is too late
[7:40] Zealot Benmergui: Good day
[7:40] Zealot Benmergui: unfortunetly A, you can;t rescue the world...
[7:41] ***SJ***: some like it like that just like some men do i dance in a club filled with men who love that they come there just for that
[7:41] ***AK***: I guess not.
[7:41] Zealot Benmergui: nods...It is very easy for you to think you are saving someone, when all you are doing it ruining their good time
[7:41] ***AK***: hmmm Shine im refureing the ones that come back running screaming and crying "You was right i wish i listened"
[7:42] ***SJ***: yez
[7:42] Zealot Benmergui: You can;t make someone listen A..and often, the best teacher is experience
[7:42] ***SJ***: this is y i have learned to stay out of it and inquire first
[7:43] Zealot Benmergui: remember, Sl is drama central...if a situation is really bad, it will explode all over everyone, sooner or later
[7:44] ***SJ***: and not to judge my ideas of whta is good for me is good for them
[7:44] Zealot Benmergui: exactly
[7:44] ***AK***: Yes!
[7:44] ***AK***: everyone is different
[7:45] Zealot Benmergui: remember some people come here to Sl and to online D/s as pure role play...They WANT a harsh or clueless master
[7:45] ***AK***: sounds like idiots looking for idiots
[7:45] Zealot Benmergui: better then idiots trying to breed with the rest of the gene pool