[7:15] Zealot Benmergui: The topic for today is "Doms are People Too…Sort of”. Today we will look at certain rights that Doms have, or should have in D/s relationships. Please note that for the purpose of clarity, I will tend to use “she” to refer to a submissive and “he” to refer to a Dominant, but either can be of any gender. Your humble lecturer WILL accept tips, but they must be paid to me directly, if you are so inclined, thank you.
[7:15] Zealot Benmergui: To begin with, lets put to rest yet again a mainstream misconception
[7:15] Zealot Benmergui: "RIGHTS? Why does a Dom need rights, isn;t he in control of a D/s relationship?"
[7:16] Zealot Benmergui: BUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
[7:17] Zealot Benmergui: Like any relationship. each side must have certain rights as well as certain responsibilities...especially as in most D/s relationships things are driven by the needs and personality of the submissive...
[7:17] Zealot Benmergui: In these lectures, and in online D/s overall, we tend to speak a good deal about the rights and role of a submissive in a D/s relationship…but not so much about Doms. A slight double standard? Well sure. There are lots of good reasons for that.
[7:18] Zealot Benmergui: For one thing, many Doms are poopyheads.
[7:18] ***MM***: *chuckles*
[7:18] Zealot Benmergui: Secondly, submissives tend to be considered the more vulnerable and emotionally committed side of a couple, rightly or wrongly. No one worries about protecting the poor, sexually harassed Doms. Subs also get hotter clothing and just look all around…well…face it...better than most Doms do.
[7:19] ***MM***: huh?
[7:19] ***SF*** would like to point out he's NOT a sub...
[7:19] ***SD***: hehe
[7:19] Srilania Svoboda: Heh. I got plenty of hot clothes
[7:19] ***MM***: < neither am I
[7:19] ***DD***: explains the clothes, dude
[7:20] Zealot Benmergui: Look up at House of V..if a Dom walks in and says "I want Sex NOW" he may get lucky, but his lucky will be a side order to a family sized portionof derision. If a sub says something like that, she won;t be able to stand up for a week.
[7:20] ***MM2***: it's a generalization.....not an insult
[7:20] Zealot Benmergui: And not stand up in a good way
[7:20] Zealot Benmergui: Wait, insults after the lecture
[7:20] ***SF***: never said I felt offended
[7:20] ***MM***: me either.. *grins*
[7:21] Zealot Benmergui: Next..think about hair...
[7:21] Zealot Benmergui: ...jesus they have so much better hair.
[7:21] Zealot Benmergui: And pardon me to the Domme's in the audience...but most subs have BREASTS…and aren’t fusty pricks like so many Doms are.
[7:22] Zealot Benmergui: Anyway you slice it, popularity wise, it is subs for tha win
[7:22] ***MM2*** laughs
[7:22] Zealot Benmergui: No question that submissives are the side of the D/s equation that gets the most love and fussing in forums and D/s clubs…however there are certain rights that in good D/s relationships Doms should be entitled to. Many different authors have written out lists of Dom Rights which tend to range from the useful to the insulting to the sublimely ridiculous.
[7:22] ***MM2***: popularity isn't necessarily a good thing in SL most days
[7:22] Srilania Svoboda: Ahh. generalizing for the menfolk. Ok.
[7:22] ***SF***: aye, nobody cares who's the lucky master of the gorgeous girl, but they care if they can tame them
[7:23] ***RV*** bites her tongue *really* hard
[7:23] ***RS***: and once they are tamed, the tamer moves on to his next conquest.
[7:23] ***MM2*** bites Rowan's tongue too
[7:23] ***RS***: rsnadu
[7:23] ***RV***: hehehe
[7:23] Zealot Benmergui: smiles..only reason why they want to know who the Master is is so that they can attach a name to "Baby,
[7:23] ***RS*** chuckles, then kneels quietly, listening
[7:23] Zealot Benmergui: My personal favorite of the lists is by two of my favorite BDSM authors, Janet hardy and Dossie Easton. They came up with a simple, six point Bill of Rights for Dominants that at the very least is a great place to start a discussion on what are the true needs and rights of a Dom in a D/s relationship. They are as follows…..
[7:24] Zealot Benmergui: 1- Doms Have a Right to Clear Communication.
[7:25] Zealot Benmergui: There is no way for a Dom to function properly in a D/s relation with a submissive who won’t communicate with them, or feel that there are things they cannot talk about. Secrecy and hiding between a Dom and sub is the recipe for disaster in any D/s relationship. Be as priuvate as you want regarding the outside world, but between Dom and sub there should be no barriers and no taboo subjects.
[7:25] ***MM***: *smiles*
[7:25] Zealot Benmergui: That is not always easy to do...it can require a great deal of trust in order to really open up, especially in a tissue of primmy lies such as Second Life
[7:26] Zealot Benmergui: Plus, many of us tend to have some what lengthy....and comples...and likely embarassing histories
[7:26] Zealot Benmergui: *complex
[7:27] Zealot Benmergui: Therefore, a good rule to work from is to agree that no question wille ver be dodged or lied about...if your partner cares enough to ask a question, you need to care enough about them to answer it, completely and honestly
[7:27] Zealot Benmergui: that way, Communication is open and complete, but you don;t need to tell him about the pony and the lime jello when you first created your current alt
[7:27] Zealot Benmergui: unless of course he meets the pony
[7:28] ***MM2***: mmm jello
[7:28] ***SF***: ironycally a fucking lyer in RL, in SL I'm surprisinghly honest... can't stand why they keep so many secrets.. specially thir mood
[7:28] Zealot Benmergui: Of course...make sure you establish the questions game in your rules...so that there are no surprises down the road to confuse communications
[7:29] Zealot Benmergui: Next
[7:29] Zealot Benmergui: 2 - Doms Have a Right to Support From Their Sub, In Scene or Out.
[7:29] Zealot Benmergui: News flash..brace yourselves for this...
[7:29] Zealot Benmergui: Doms make mistakes, they screw up, they have moments of doubt and weakness and bad hair and occasional impotence. They need to know that through anything their Sub is first and foremost their friend, and on their side. A Dom and a sub, like any couple, should present a unified front to the world, no matter what they may say to one another in private.
[7:30] Zealot Benmergui: A Dom must feel supported by their sub, just as the sub should feel supported by their Dom
[7:30] Zealot Benmergui: Without that sort of unconditional support, trust is very hard in RL, impossible online
[7:31] Zealot Benmergui: That becomes all the more true once the whips and the live leeches come out
[7:31] ***RS***: haaaahaaaa!
[7:31] Zealot Benmergui: Next...
[7:31] ***RS***: I am so out of there if the leaches come out!
[7:31] ***RS***: ahem...sorry
[7:31] Zealot Benmergui: Don;t worry, bug sex was last week
[7:31] ***RS***: lol :)
[7:31] Zealot Benmergui: 3 - Doms Have a Right to be Nurtured
[7:32] Zealot Benmergui: I know, it is shocking, but the act of Dominating another person can at times be as emotionally challenging and harrowing as submitting to another person. Doms often have the same fears and concerns that subs do, as well as the same Demons.
[7:32] Zealot Benmergui: Sometimes big honking mean assed fire breathing demons
[7:32] Zealot Benmergui: not cute suave demons like Strauss over there
[7:32] Zealot Benmergui: A Dom needs to feel that when push comes to shove, their sub is there for them emotionally just as much as the Dom is there for the sub. A hug from a person you love goes a long way, even if you are wearing leather chaps. Sometimes even MORE SO due to the chaps.
[7:33] ***SF*** grins... "Suave... man, if you keep I'm growing gay"
[7:33] Zealot Benmergui inches a little bit closer to Mali
[7:33] Zealot Benmergui: NEXT
[7:33] ***MM2*** laughs
[7:33] ***MM2***: that rock will not move believe me
[7:34] Zealot Benmergui: 4 - A Dom Has the Right to Have Their Needs Met
[7:34] Zealot Benmergui: This can mean flat out sexual needs, and yes a Dom has a right to enjoy sex with their sub, to cum if they so choose and to be catered to just as much as the sub does. However, it also means needs BEYOND sex. I know, more shocks.
[7:35] Zealot Benmergui: Love, trust, intimacy, laughter, tenderness, salad dressing, little snack cakes…all of those are things Doms look to their subs for, just as anyone needs such things from a lover. Emotional and Sexual Satisfaction is the right of BOTH Dom and sub…without one, the other becomes false and shallow…no matter what your Xcite Cunt says.
[7:35] ***SF***: Sir Zealot, friend, gotta leave. may you please send me a NC with the class later?
[7:35] ***MM2*** tosses out a snack cake
[7:35] Zealot Benmergui: sure
[7:35] ***SF***: thanks :)
[7:36] ***DD***: mmm , snack cakes!
[7:36] Zealot Benmergui: Never forget that in D/s, sex is the easy part...real intimacy is tough
[7:36] Zealot Benmergui: And the Dom has the right to that just as much as the sub does.
[7:37] Zealot Benmergui: In fact, maybe MORESO..again due to the leather chaps.
[7:37] ***RS***: He needs his skin oiled frequently, under the chaps.
[7:37] Zealot Benmergui: You need lots of leighway when you are wearing chaps. trust me I know
[7:37] ***RS*** grins
[7:37] Zealot Benmergui: Next
[7:37] Zealot Benmergui: 5 - A Dom Has the Right to Responsiveness
[7:38] Zealot Benmergui: Domming is hard work. Ideally he pours a lot of passion and thought into time he spends with his sub, both in bed and out. He has a right to know if that passion is pleasing the sub, he has a right to know if she is satisfied in their relationship in all ways. No one likes to work in a void, so it is nice to get at least an occasional “nice job!” or “JESUS I’M CUMMINNNGGGGG”...and that ideally should be more then "Subhoney Twinkleberry is getting close to a massive orgasm"
[7:39] Zealot Benmergui: or whatever the Xcite emote of chocie these days is
[7:39] Zealot Benmergui: and Lastly
[7:39] Zealot Benmergui: 6 - A Dom Has the Right to Constructive Feedback
[7:39] Srilania Svoboda: Subhoney Twinkleberry just got ripped off by our chatspam o matic
[7:40] Zealot Benmergui: Now I KNOW in previous lectures many subs have said they just don’t feel comfortable telling their Master that they may not really enjoy every little tiny thing that he does. For example, it is possible that the whole smearing your pussy with peanut butter as Salmonella Play just doesn’t get you off.
[7:40] Zealot Benmergui: You must TELL him that...constructively, so avoid things like “YOU ARE A LIMPDICKED FREAK” or “EWWW…WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU. IS THAT HOW YOUR MOMMY LIKED TO TAKE IT, FAT BOY?”
[7:41] Zealot Benmergui: or better..."What???"
[7:41] ***AG***: omfg
[7:41] Zealot Benmergui: However, a Dom can’t adapt and grow without knowing not only what he does right, but what he does wrong. Also, remember each sub is different, so he may never know that the thing that send his last sub over the moon leaves you cold. Tell Him.
[7:42] Zealot Benmergui: These 6 simple rights are not rocket science, they are the sort of thing that one would assume would need to be part of ANY healthy relationship...
[7:42] ***RS***: Indeed!
[7:43] Zealot Benmergui: which leads us again to a point Imake in almost every lecture...D/s and BDSM ARE healthy relationships..no different at the hart of things then any vanilla couple...except for maybe the chaps
[7:43] ***DD***: and the leeches
[7:43] Srilania Svoboda: Chips, dips, chains, whips
[7:43] ***DD***: *shidder*
[7:43] ***RS*** shudders
[7:43] ***RS***: lol
[7:43] Zealot Benmergui: Treat your Dom as you want to be treated, as a friend and a lover first....and you will be fine
[7:44] Zealot Benmergui: actually the leeches are getting tobe very mainstream these days
[7:44] ***RS***: ha!
[7:44] ***MM***:
[7:44] ***RS***: oh thanks for reminding me, I'll add that to my "don't go there" list
[7:44] Zealot Benmergui: Now then as always we open the floor for arguments, discussions, public nudity and opera practice
[7:45] Zealot Benmergui: Are there any rights any of you feel should be added to these 6?
[7:45] Zealot Benmergui: and no, not "A Dom Has the right to Buy his Sub lots of clothing and blingy things"
[7:45] ***RS***: haahaaaa!
[7:45] ***RS***: wel he does!
[7:45] ***RV***: damn, i was just typing that
[7:46] ***RS***: He might want to hold off on the Xcite parts though until he's sure she's gonna stay and use them with him ;p
[7:46] ***SS***: lol
[7:46] Zealot Benmergui: considers..ok, I admit I have bought furniture for potential subs that we never actually got around to use...
[7:46] ***RS***: oh yeah
[7:47] Zealot Benmergui: but that is due to the chaps..cut off air to my brain at times
[7:47] ***RS***: I have bought furniture for Doms that we never got around to using
[7:47] ***DD***: Z, you need bigger chaps
[7:47] ***RS***: lol Dj
[7:47] ***RS***: maybe I need my collar adjusted
[7:47] ***RS***: not enough oxygen getting to my brain.
[7:47] Zealot Benmergui: I love it when people tell me that
[7:48] Zealot Benmergui: like being told you need to get the XXL condoms
[7:48] ***RS***: lol!
[7:48] ***DD***: Renee, kind of a long term low level breath play?
[7:48] ***RS***: Must be, although that wasn't my intention.
[7:48] Zealot Benmergui: Any other rights you think a Dom should be entitled to..and remember we are discussing ONLINE, so nothing about doing dishes or shit like that
[7:48] ***RS***: but there has to be some reason I do stupid things like that.
[7:49] ***RS***: haha!
[7:49] ***DD***: mmm, being human, I think
[7:49] ***RS***: I wanted to discuss something
[7:49] ***DD***: all the excuse anybody ever needs
[7:49] ***RS***: something you already mentioned
[7:49] Zealot Benmergui: Yes?
[7:49] ***RS***: Well let's say your Dom is really into peanut butter and salmonella
[7:49] ***RS***: You are going....uggghhhh!
[7:50] Zealot Benmergui: mmm..I dig infectious bacteria play
[7:50] ***RS***: but, what's wrong with playing along.....I mean
[7:50] Zealot Benmergui: yes?
[7:50] ***RS***: give me a second, lol
[7:50] ***RS***: ok, we all have fantasies that maybe not everyone shares
[7:50] Zealot Benmergui breathes deeply
[7:50] ***RS***: so we do a little give and take
[7:50] ***RS***: haha
[7:50] ***RS***: he does something for me, maybe something he's not really into
[7:50] ***RS***: and I do the same for him
[7:50] Zealot Benmergui: indeed, that is communication
[7:51] ***RS***: We can talk about it, so we don't expect it every time
[7:51] ***RS***: but I don't see anything wrong with that
[7:51] Zealot Benmergui: what I am saying is not a good idea is if they really love anal sex..you do not..but pretend that you do....
[7:51] ***RS***: well yes that's something that needs to be talked about.
[7:52] ***RS***: but every now and then one could indulge his fantasies
[7:52] ***RS***: as long as both people know what's going on
[7:52] ***RS***: yes, no?
[7:52] Zealot Benmergui: you can certain communicate about a give and take...what you should NOT keep to yourself however is that a give and take is required, or that you really HATEFEARLOATHE something
[7:52] Zealot Benmergui: exactly..again, as long as BOTH KNOW ABOUT IT
[7:52] ***RS***: if it gets to the hate/loathe category, it had best be talked about, I so agree.
[7:52] Zealot Benmergui: I have heard from so many subs that their Master is into public sex or something...which is really hard for them, but they do it for him and quietly hate every minute of it
[7:53] Zealot Benmergui: that is not the stuff of great relationships
[7:53] ***MM2***: I think that all depends...if his fantasy is sex with cockroaches, call me a crappy sub, but I'm so not going there
[7:53] ***MM2*** grins
[7:53] ***RS***: hehe Maliene
[7:53] ***RS***: well we all have our limits
[7:53] Zealot Benmergui: all because..well..HE'S the Dom...it is HIS RIGHT to do as he wills with this worthless piece of slut gristle
[7:54] Zealot Benmergui sighs a little over the roach aversion
[7:54] ***RS***: rolls my eyes
[7:54] ***RS***: trying to do so as respectfully as possible
[7:54] ***MM2***: honestly I think more often in sl it's the other way around, the women are more hardcore than the men and expect them to be what they are.....just from what I've heard people talk about alot
[7:54] Zealot Benmergui: cmon...all the little legs waving, touching so many little gspots...
[7:54] ***RS***: argghhhhh!
[7:54] ***RS***: covers my ears
[7:54] ***MM2***: soooo not turning me on Master
[7:54] ***RS***: and eyes
[7:54] ***SS***: lmao
[7:55] ***SS***: what SIZE are these roaches?
[7:55] ***RS***: If I even see a roach, my heartbeat goes up, and not in a good way!
[7:55] ***DD***: Z, may i say as a friend, you could use some help, man
[7:55] ***RV***: lol
[7:55] ***RS***: lol DJ!
[7:55] ***MM2*** laughs
[7:55] Zealot Benmergui: In a lot of cases you are right Mali..but then that is a Sl wide problem...subs are interested in D?s earnestly...Doms just couldn;t get laid any other way
[7:55] ***MM2***: yeah
[7:55] Srilania Svoboda: heh
[7:55] ***RS***: Well I like whips and chains, but not leaches or cockroaches
[7:56] ***MM***: hmmmm
[7:56] ***MM2*** laughs
[7:56] Srilania Svoboda: Why go after plain sex when most can turn to the other side of the bed and get vanilla
[7:56] ***RS***: which is why I think sometimes there has to be some give and take
[7:56] Zealot Benmergui points at Renee and mouths...."IN DENIAL"
[7:56] Srilania Svoboda: They wanna explore the spicy side
[7:56] ***RS***: noooooo!
[7:56] ***RS***: hides
[7:56] ***MM2***: yes, but
[7:56] Zealot Benmergui: give and take is good...but not lie and hide
[7:56] ***MM2***: you cannot ask people to cross a line they aren't comfortable with
[7:57] Srilania Svoboda: Leeches and roaches. Feh. talk to me when you get to rattlesnakes and boa constrictors
[7:57] ***MM2***: Doms have hard limits too
[7:57] ***RS***: I agree Maliene, I really do
[7:57] ***RS***: I mean, there are some things I just couldn't get past.
[7:57] ***MM2***: although in SL for many that hard limit is actually talking to the people they are fucking
[7:57] ***MM2*** laughs
[7:57] ***RS***: lol Mal!
[7:57] ***RS***: oh lordy, I am laughing for real!
[7:57] ***DD***: LOL you got that right!
[7:58] Zealot Benmergui: why do you need to talk when you can click?
[7:58] ***DD***: or have your body parts do it for you
[7:58] Zealot Benmergui: 6 clicks, they cum...what could be easier?
[7:58] ***RS***: well, the clicks are handy when you actually are about to have the biggest orgasm of the day (hehe)
[7:58] ***RS***: then after you can type how good it was
[7:58] ***DD***: good point
[7:58] ***MM2*** laughs
[7:58] ***MM2***: that's what voice is for imo
[7:58] ***DD***: but if all i wanted was autoresponse, i'd just hang inthe xcite store
[7:58] Zealot Benmergui: however, what is really fun is to have someone set their Xcite clit for proximity, and have them walk into a place like House of V
[7:58] ***RS***: not everybody uses voice
[7:59] ***MM2***: I recognize that
[7:59] Zealot Benmergui: a multiple orgasm that goes on forever
[7:59] ***SS***: lmao
[7:59] Srilania Svoboda: Prim sex dolls, only 1499. right next to the new video, Zealot Does Dallas, only 1995, at most fine BDSM retailers and Amazon.com
[7:59] ***RS***: jeeez, stop!
[7:59] ***RS***: I'm going to get my clit out and start playing with it!
[7:59] Zealot Benmergui: Never been to Dallas
[7:59] Srilania Svoboda: that's not what She said
[7:59] ***MM2***: it's alot like oregon, but bigger with more hats
[7:59] ***RS***: ?
[7:59] ***DD***: big hair, Suburbans, big hats, Texans
[7:59] Zealot Benmergui: been to Oregon
[8:00] ***DD***: drier than Oregon
[8:00] Zealot Benmergui: The North Sea is drier then Oregon
[8:00] ***DD***: lol, good point
[8:00] Zealot Benmergui: OK, now this is a good point to do a little business...
[8:01] ***MM***: Hello my pet.. *smiles warmly to him*
[8:01] Zealot Benmergui: first of all, support your lecturers methadone habit and tip me directly if you are so inclined
[8:01] ***RS***: oh gawd
[8:01] ***RS***: rolls my eyes again, methadone?!
[8:01] Zealot Benmergui: secondly, next lecture byme at House of V will be Thursday morning at 00:30 SL time
[8:02] Zealot Benmergui: entilted "Doms have responsibilities TOO"
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