Communication Ain't For Sissies - 2/24/09

[2009/02/24 9:07] Pirate Russell: OK, those that will, please turn off any radars, MystiTools, etc., to help with the Horrendous lag
[2009/02/24 9:08] Pirate Russell: Please take all cross talk to IM, and all collar, etc commands to the secondary channels!
[2009/02/24 9:08] Pirate Russell: Welcome to House of V's College of Kink! As most of y'all know, My name is Pirate Russell, Head Mistress of the College, and today's instructor. I have been in SL for 3 years, a lesbian Domme, the entire time.
[2009/02/24 9:08] ***KC*** smiles
[2009/02/24 9:08] Pirate Russell: For any that need to leave early, all transcripts can be found at http://collegeofkink.blogspot.com
[2009/02/24 9:09] Pirate Russell: Franklin Veaux's Journal...the color of television, tuned to a dead channel. by Tacet
[2009/02/24 9:09] Pirate Russell: How to Have a Happy Relationship
[2009/02/24 9:09] Pirate Russell: It seems to me that a lot of basic ideas behind happy, healthy relationships are often considered “advanced,” and seem to take rather a lot more time to learn than perhaps they really ought to.
[2009/02/24 9:09] Pirate Russell: At least, they sometimes did for your humble scribe. Ahem.
[2009/02/24 9:09] Pirate Russell: So, in the interests of spreading the wealth (because experience is the best teacher, but sometimes the tuition is very high), I present Relationship Ideas That Should Be Obvious But Aren’t.
[2009/02/24 9:10] Pirate Russell: ~You can’t expect to have what you want if you don’t ask for what you want.
[2009/02/24 9:10] Pirate Russell: This is arguably one of the most basic rules for all of life, yet it’s surprising how often we forget.
[2009/02/24 9:10] Pirate Russell: There’s almost no greater recipe for emotional turmoil then wanting something or harboring some expectation, not telling anyone about it, and then not getting it.
[2009/02/24 9:10] Pirate Russell: Next time you get really, really upset about some desire or expectation not being met, stop and ask yourself: “Did I actually let the people around me know about it?”
[2009/02/24 9:11] Pirate Russell: Here’s a tip: Dropping hints about what you want doesn’t count. Neither does wishing really hard. Nor waiting for the folks around you to become telepathic.
[2009/02/24 9:11] Pirate Russell: ~If all of your relationships go pear-shaped in the same exact way and end badly in the same exact way, then maybe it’s because of something you’re doing.
[2009/02/24 9:11] Pirate Russell: Seriously. The one common element in all your relationship failures is you. Someone cheat on you? Well, that sucks, but it happens. Every single person you ever date in your life cheat on you? You’re attracted to folks who cheat.
[2009/02/24 9:11] Pirate Russell: If all of your relationships end the same way, maybe it’s time to step back and take a good, hard look at the kinds of folks you’re attracted to.
[2009/02/24 9:11] Pirate Russell: ~If you find that sex always becomes boring after a while in all your relationships, maybe it’s because you’re choosing to let it.
[2009/02/24 9:12] Pirate Russell: There’s a lot of fun you can have in (and out) of the bedroom.
[2009/02/24 9:12] Pirate Russell: The total range of the human sexual experience is breathtaking–so much so that if you lived to be a thousand years old and did something different in bed every night for that entire thousand years, you’d still never have time to do it all. Seriously.
[2009/02/24 9:12] Pirate Russell: If you find that your sex life keeps getting stuck in a rut, maybe it’s time to explore something new.
[2009/02/24 9:12] Pirate Russell: CRAP.... brb
[2009/02/24 9:14] Pirate Russell: sorry, dang RL
[2009/02/24 9:14] Pirate Russell: A sure way to make yourself crazy and have a boring sex life is to keep worrying about whether trying something new would be “too weird.”
[2009/02/24 9:14] Pirate Russell: The expression “That’s too weird” has done more to advance the cause of boring sex than all the world’s religions combined.
[2009/02/24 9:14] Pirate Russell: ~Going into a relationship with the expectation that you can get your partner to change is quite likely to end in tears.
[2009/02/24 9:14] Pirate Russell: Now, don’t get me wrong–people can and do change. In fact, change is the one constant in life. I’m not the person I was five years ago, and if you’re doing this properly, you aren’t either.
[2009/02/24 9:15] Pirate Russell: But expecting that a person will change in the ways that you want him to, because you want him to, is setting yourself up for suck and fail. Fixer-upper relationships usually don’t work.
[2009/02/24 9:15] Pirate Russell: And if you go into things thinking “Oh, I can fix him!” you just might find your ship of enthusiasm foundering on the shoals of the fact that maybe he likes being the way he is.
[2009/02/24 9:15] Pirate Russell: A relationship in which you say “This relationship is absolutely wonderful except for…” is not absolutely wonderful.
[2009/02/24 9:16] Pirate Russell: Especially when the part that comes after the “except for…” is something so horrifying it’d make most folks run for the hills.
[2009/02/24 9:16] Pirate Russell: This relationship is wonderful except for the fact that we’re completely incompatible in bed.
[2009/02/24 9:17] Pirate Russell: This relationship is wonderful except for the fact that she keeps forgetting to take her meds.
[2009/02/24 9:17] Pirate Russell: This relationship is wonderful except for the fact that he can’t talk honestly about his feelings.
[2009/02/24 9:17] Pirate Russell: Look out!
[2009/02/24 9:17] Pirate Russell: For maximum effect, try combining “this relationship is wonderful except for…” with “…but I know I can change him” and double your suck!
[2009/02/24 9:17] Pirate Russell: ~A partner who is kind to you but not kind to the waitress isn’t a kind person.
[2009/02/24 9:18] Pirate Russell: Seriously. The fact that he’s kind to you might just mean that he wants something from you. (Or that you’re not his property…yet.
[2009/02/24 9:18] Pirate Russell: Marry that person who’s nice to you but not nice to the waitress and you might just find that once the ring is on your finger, he may start treating you like the waitress. Or worse.)
[2009/02/24 9:18] Pirate Russell: The way a person treats the folks around him reveals a lot about his true self. Pay attention.
[2009/02/24 9:19] Pirate Russell: ~It is possible to deeply, profoundly, genuinely, truly love someone, and yet that person might still not be a good partner for you.
[2009/02/24 9:19] Pirate Russell: It takes more than love to make a relationship work.
[2009/02/24 9:19] Pirate Russell: A person you love, but who is incompatible with you, or who lacks good relationship skills, or who can’t communicate with you, is not going to make for a functional, healthy relationship.
[2009/02/24 9:20] Pirate Russell: Love and five bucks will get you a cup of coffee. Or, to put it more scientifically, love is necessary but not sufficient, no matter how many Disney movies and romantic comedies say otherwise.
[2009/02/24 9:20] Pirate Russell: Though really, if you’re taking your cues on relationship from Disney movies and romantic comedies, there’s probably little that I or anyone else can do.
[2009/02/24 9:20] Pirate Russell: ~Find a way to build a friendship with that person that honors and respects that love without trying to turn it into something unsustainable and you’ll do okay. And as a corollary:
[2009/02/24 9:21] Pirate Russell: Being in love with someone doesn’t mean you HAVE to be in a relationship with that person.
[2009/02/24 9:21] Pirate Russell: Seriously. You have a choice. You can love someone, and acknowledge that love, and still choose not to be romantically involved with that person.
[2009/02/24 9:21] Pirate Russell: That’s one of the cool things about being a human being You get to choose.
[2009/02/24 9:21] Pirate Russell: You can’t have intimacy without sharing. If you spend your time hiding things from your partner, or worrying about whether or not you can share something with your partner, you’re not going to have an intimate relationship.
[2009/02/24 9:22] Pirate Russell: Everything you conceal from your partner undermines the foundation of intimacy upon which relationships are built.
[2009/02/24 9:22] Pirate Russell: No, that doesn’t mean telling your partner every time you take a dump (and why is it that folks who don’t cotton to sharing and openness always reach for that example?).
[2009/02/24 9:22] ***IM*** giggles
[2009/02/24 9:22] Pirate Russell: But it does mean sharing everything that’s important, significant, or meaningful. Even if it’s uncomfortable.
[2009/02/24 9:22] Pirate Russell: Especially if it’s uncomfortable, because the fact that it’s uncomfortable probably means there’s something important lurking in there. Communication ain’t for sissies.
[2009/02/24 9:23] Pirate Russell: What you get out depends on what you put in. Approach every new partner with fear and suspicion, and you’ll have fearful, suspicious partners.
[2009/02/24 9:23] Pirate Russell: Te best way to have a friend is to be a friend.
[2009/02/24 9:24] Pirate Russell: The best way to have people around you who have compassion and integrity is to be a person with compassion and integrity.
[2009/02/24 9:24] Pirate Russell: The best way to fill your life with suck and fail is to fill other people’s lives with suck and fail.
[2009/02/24 9:24] Pirate Russell: You know that saying “opposites attract”? It’s rubbish. Honest people look for, and attract, other honest people.
[2009/02/24 9:24] Pirate Russell: ~A person who has cheated on someone else to be with you cannot be trusted not to cheat on you to be with someone else.
[2009/02/24 9:24] Pirate Russell: No, you’re not different.
[2009/02/24 9:24] Pirate Russell: You’re not a rare and unique flower, so totally set apart from that shrill, obnoxious harpy that he’s with right now.
[2009/02/24 9:25] Pirate Russell: You know how he tells you that you’re so much better than that monster he’s hooked up with?
[2009/02/24 9:25] Pirate Russell: I bet he says the same thing about you to the other person he’s shagging. You know, the one that neither you nor his other partner knows about.
[2009/02/24 9:25] Pirate Russell: ~Be wary of a person who trashes all their exes in front of you, for someday you’ll likely be on that list yourself.
[2009/02/24 9:25] Pirate Russell: You know that person with the long list of former partners, all of whom were shrill, obnoxious harpies?
[2009/02/24 9:26] Pirate Russell: Does something seem odd about that list to you?
[2009/02/24 9:26] Pirate Russell: Best case scenario, it means he keeps getting involved with the same sorts of people again and again, and doesn’t learn anything from any of those experiences.
[2009/02/24 9:26] Pirate Russell: What do you reckon that says about you?
[2009/02/24 9:26] Pirate Russell: Worst case scenario, it’s a clear sign of someone who doesn’t take responsibility for his own part in all those past train wrecks.
[2009/02/24 9:26] Pirate Russell: Which means he ain’t learning from any of them. Which means…you’re the next train wreck.
[2009/02/24 9:26] ***AS***: or your an obnoxious harpie too :)
[2009/02/24 9:26] Pirate Russell: What do you suppose he’ll say about you to the train wreck that follows after you?
[2009/02/24 9:27] Pirate Russell: ~Tell the truth from the start, and you won’t have to worry about any nasty revelations down the road.
[2009/02/24 9:27] Pirate Russell: Especially about things you worry might scare her off. Seriously, if the truth about you makes you incompatible as a romantic partner, you want to scare her off.
[2009/02/24 9:27] Pirate Russell: You’re bisexual but your new love interest hates gays?
[2009/02/24 9:27] Pirate Russell: You fancy country music and your partner would rather die than listen to it?
[2009/02/24 9:27] Pirate Russell: Hiding those things doesn’t help your cause; it merely makes the blowup that much more dramatic when the truth comes out.
[2009/02/24 9:28] Pirate Russell: Which it will, eventually.
[2009/02/24 9:28] Pirate Russell: ~Be honest, be true to who you are, and you won’t have to worry about what happens if you slip up.
[2009/02/24 9:28] Pirate Russell: On the other hand, make yourself seem like something you’re not, even if it’s to make yourself seem more attractive to the other person
[2009/02/24 9:28] Pirate Russell: (hell, especially if it’s to make yourself seem more attractive to the other person!) is going to end badly, sooner or later. I promise.
[2009/02/24 9:28] Pirate Russell: Citation: http://tacit.livejournal.com/280915.html?view=3415123
[2009/02/24 9:29] Pirate Russell: All transcripts can be found at http://collegeofkink.blogspot.com
[2009/02/24 9:29] Pirate Russell: College of Kink classes are always posted in "Search" go to Events and type in the word College
[2009/02/24 9:29] Pirate Russell: Questions? Comments???
[2009/02/24 9:29] Pirate Russell: SpeakEasy HUD detaching...
[2009/02/24 9:30] ***AS***: so who do you know early on if your date is telling the truth?
[2009/02/24 9:30] ***PM***: damn! that was fast!
[2009/02/24 9:30] ***KC***: it's always important to have communication in the relationship for it to work to right Miss
[2009/02/24 9:31] ***PM***: lies are communication, if I'm getting your meaning.
[2009/02/24 9:31] ***AS***: yes, they are
[2009/02/24 9:31] ***KC***: then let girl say honest communication
[2009/02/24 9:31] ***PM***: honest and open communication is what a always talk about.
[2009/02/24 9:31] Pirate Russell: Yes, from the start, even in a one night stand, you have to find out what he/she likes or won't do, and you need to put your dsires and limits out there
[2009/02/24 9:32] Pirate Russell: And how to know??? you can't at first, unless they're a LOUSY liar
[2009/02/24 9:32] Pirate Russell watches actions, not words
[2009/02/24 9:32] ***IM*** nods
[2009/02/24 9:32] Pirate Russell: Be open and "trusting" at the start, and if you see the "suck and fail" seeping in, and it's not you..... welll.....
[2009/02/24 9:33] Pirate Russell: Like President Reagan said..... "Trust but Verify." You can only verify by watching, and maybe if you have common friends....
[2009/02/24 9:34] ***IM***: Or ask the waitress.
[2009/02/24 9:34] Pirate Russell: he he
[2009/02/24 9:34] stephanies Avro lol
[2009/02/24 9:34] ***IM***: girl thinks that first one, asking for what one wants, is so very inportant, especially in second life where subtle things like body language can't be used to communicate.
[2009/02/24 9:35] Pirate Russell: VERY true, but that goes back to the actions over words (almost typed "swords", he he)
[2009/02/24 9:35] ***AS***: I totally agree ***IM***
[2009/02/24 9:35] ***KC***: so does girl
[2009/02/24 9:36] Pirate Russell: Yes, I'm RARELY a successful psychic in RL with Hubby I've lived with for going on 10 yrs, I SURE don't know what someone across the world wants, by telepathy!
[2009/02/24 9:37] Pirate Russell: Even in RL, up close and personal, I can't be mad if someone doesn't know I want a popcicle, if I don't ask for one!
[2009/02/24 9:37] Pirate Russell: er if someone doesn't GIVE Me one, if..."
[2009/02/24 9:38] ***AS***: btw, it is not a cross-gender thing. Even if your partner is the same sex you still don't think alike
[2009/02/24 9:38] Pirate Russell: If ***IM*** doesn't tell Me she wants a spanking, how do I know to give her one? and it goes the other way, too!
[2009/02/24 9:39] ***IM*** nods
[2009/02/24 9:39] Pirate Russell: If she has a limit about pigmy goats, and doesn't tell Me, and I bring one home.... NOT MY FAULT!
[2009/02/24 9:39] ***IM*** starts to worry.
[2009/02/24 9:39] Pirate Russell: Don't worry, it's not that baaaaaaaaaaad!
[2009/02/24 9:39] ***IM*** laughs
[2009/02/24 9:40] Pirate Russell: LOL
[2009/02/24 9:40] ***KC*** gigles
[2009/02/24 9:40] Pirate Russell: But the point is, it's not fair to be hurt, if your partner doesn't know what hurts you!
[2009/02/24 9:40] Pirate Russell: Or ifyour partner doesn't know what you want!
[2009/02/24 9:42] ***IM***: The "C" word just keeps coming back as essential, doesn't it?
[2009/02/24 9:42] ***KC*** nods
[2009/02/24 9:42] Pirate Russell: Carnality?
[2009/02/24 9:43] Pirate Russell: LOL
[2009/02/24 9:43] ***IM*** smiles
[2009/02/24 9:43] Pirate Russell: Especially when all we really have is this line of text, right here.... you HAVE to ask what for what you want!
[2009/02/24 9:43] Pirate Russell: And tell your partner whatyou don't like and/or won't do...
[2009/02/24 9:44] Pirate Russell: in RL, clenching of your butt muscles can say "No effing way, that's not going in there!" In SL, or Yahoo Instan Messenger, etc, ya GOTTA SAY IT!
[2009/02/24 9:45] Pirate Russell: And for pitty sake, when someone says it... listen and act on it!
[2009/02/24 9:46] Pirate Russell: Any more questions??? Comments???? girls that wanna strip?
[2009/02/24 9:46] ***KC*** giggles
[2009/02/24 9:46] ***AS***: why just limit it to girls wanting to strip?
[2009/02/24 9:46] ***IM***: It makes sense then not to assume things about someone if they don't say it.
[2009/02/24 9:46] stephanies Avro he he
[2009/02/24 9:46] ***IM*** giggles
[2009/02/24 9:46] Pirate Russell: Because I'm the Headmistress, and I LIKE bewbies more than peniseseseseseses
[2009/02/24 9:46] Pirate Russell: LOL
[2009/02/24 9:47] ***AS*** giggles
[2009/02/24 9:47] Pirate Russell: Going once.....
[2009/02/24 9:47] Pirate Russell: ...............................Going twice.......
[2009/02/24 9:47] Pirate Russell: .............................................................................................DON"T STEP IN IT!
[2009/02/24 9:48] Pirate Russell: Class Dismissed, thanks y'all for coming and participating