BDSM Q&A - 2/17/09

[0:37] Srilania Svoboda: As you know, I am the Newd teacher, Srilania Svoboda. I've been in Second life 7 months now, and been in the RL BDSM world for almost 20 years
[0:38] Srilania Svoboda: Today, instead of picking a topic, I decided you all might have questions you need answered
[0:38] Srilania Svoboda: So today, we are doing Straight Up: A Question and Answer session about BDSM
[0:39] Srilania Svoboda: Feel free to speak up with a question, or if you're shy, IM it to me and I'll discuss it in class
[0:39] ***SJ***: Can I ask a question Miss?
[0:39] Srilania Svoboda: Of course
[0:39] ***SJ***: If a sub dont like some things her Master does, can she say no Miss?
[0:40] ***SJ***: and I mean with her Miss
[0:40] Srilania Svoboda: Good question. Yes, you can say NO. Most Safe, Sane, and Consentual relationships have safewords and lists of hard limits for a reason
[0:41] Srilania Svoboda: If you feel something your Do***mL***nt is doing violates your hard limits, or REALLY makes you uncomfortable, you have the right to call your safeword and stop play
[0:42] ***IM***: There may be a price for saying no though. Up to and including ending the relationship depending on the Master.
[0:42] Srilania Svoboda: Yes, but it also depands on what you are saying no to
[0:42] ***SJ***: Im a new sub Miss, so what safe word can I use Miss?
[0:43] Srilania Svoboda: Ok, those things are best worked out between Do***mL***nt and submissive, so both parties know what they are
[0:43] Srilania Svoboda: My personal red safeword is MAYDAY
[0:43] ***PS***: Hello ***MD***
[0:43] ***MD*** smiles. "Hello"
[0:44] ***TE***: may I add that a Master telling you to leave cause you use your safe word ...... hm he needs to acept limits ...
[0:44] ***IM***: At CARP, the standard safeword is "SAFEWORD"
[0:44] ***TE***: just my personal opinion
[0:44] ***IM*** nods to Sir ***TE***
[0:45] ***MD***: If you have an honest and true D/s relationship, you shouldn't have to use it IMO
[0:45] ***TE***: true
[0:45] ***MD***: However, I agree with the importance of having one
[0:45] ***MK***: anything should be able to be discussed, with out having to call a safeword.
[0:45] ***IM***: Unless there's an emergency, like your arm is dislocated and you need to stop.
[0:45] Srilania Svoboda: Well, there is the inverse of that too Tom. OVERUSE of a safeword, such as safewording just because you don't want to do something, even though you don't find it a hard limit or even objectionable, can cause a Do***mL***nt to decide to uncollar their submissive.
[0:46] ***MD***: The word loses its worth
[0:46] ***PS***: But, in a honest and true D/S relationship, the phrase would not get abused
[0:46] Srilania Svoboda: ***MD***, EVERY BDSM relationship should have a safeword. I've seen REAL LIFE incidents where someone got hurt, but without a safeword, would have had no way to inform their partner
[0:47] ***MD***: That is exactly my point. However, I was with someone that once got so caught up in what we were doing I nearly had to ue it.
[0:47] Srilania Svoboda: Even a so called "no limits" relationship needs them, as you can accidentally have a problem and need to have an emergency stop
[0:47] ***MD***: So I can see how the passion of things can bring purpose to the word.
[0:48] ***IM***: girl is curious. How many people here have had to use a safeword?
[0:48] Srilania Svoboda: I have
[0:48] ***PS***: Allways be Prepared
[0:48] ***MK*** raises her hand "i have"
[0:48] ***SJ***: I havent
[0:48] ***MD***: I have never used it, but I did witness a circumstance when someone did.
[0:49] Srilania Svoboda: Next question?
[0:49] ***IM***: girl has never used one, but has spoken OOC about things.
[0:49] ***IM***: People always seen to be concerned about the difference between a sub and slave. Could You think of any differences You think are important?
[0:50] ***MD***: In sl no one is a true slave.... outside of RP. Everyone is a willing participant
[0:50] Srilania Svoboda: Well, some people think a slave is a no limits submissive to do with as they please. Sadly, they are taking the surface image and not exploring the true nature of it
[0:50] ***MD***: But the rping experience is quite thrilling.
[0:50] Srilania Svoboda: Incorrect. The easiest way to define the difference between submissiv and slave is pretty easy
[0:51] Srilania Svoboda: A submissive's primary source of pleasure in a BDSM relationship is what is done to them and with them
[0:51] ***MD***: Oh I whole heartedly disagree.
[0:52] ***MD***: I think each submissives experience is different
[0:52] Srilania Svoboda: A SLAVE, on the other hand, gets their primary source of pleasure from pleasing another, and having that service appreciated and recognized
[0:53] ***MD***: S I would be a slave because my primary source of pleasure is pleasing the man I love. That I will do whatever he asks of me, within my hard limits, without question.
[0:53] ***MD***: Because I know he has his reasons.
[0:53] Srilania Svoboda: Now, this isn't to say that a submissive doesn't enjoy serving and getting it recognized, nor does it mean a slave doesn't like that 11 inch dildo you just used on their ass
[0:54] ***IM*** nods
[0:54] Srilania Svoboda: But their PRIMARY sources of pleasure are different
[0:54] ***MD***: I still don't believe I agree. My primary source of pleasure is pleasing Him.
[0:54] ***MD***: Period.
[0:55] Srilania Svoboda: But, because so many look upon the surface appearances, they think of a slave as a wet dishrag, unable to say no
[0:55] Srilania Svoboda: But, I can tell you as I was a slave for my first 15 years, there's a lot more to it than Domabes make it out to be
[0:57] Srilania Svoboda: Sorry, Domabes are my pet name for the Stand and Model crowd, the wannabe Do***mL***nts that think because they watched a few BDSM pornos they are a master or Mistress
[0:58] ***IM*** giggles
[0:58] ***PS*** Susa smiles
[0:58] ***TE***: smiles
[0:58] Srilania Svoboda: Next question?
[0:58] ***MD***: What constitutes abuse in a D/s relationship?
[0:58] Srilania Svoboda: Well, that is quite a good, and important question
[0:59] Srilania Svoboda: We all hear "BDSM IS NOT ABUSE, ABUSE IS NOT BDSM"
[0:59] Srilania Svoboda: While BDSM has some violent practices, it is not considered abuse because of CONSENT
[0:59] ***MD***: I just womder sometimes, when someone is so sadistic and yet their submissive is just as extreme of a masochist. The sub uses the dom to inflick pair that otherwise would be perceived as abuse
[1:00] ***MD***: Especially when two sick people are paired.
[1:00] Srilania Svoboda: Well, say I went to ***PS*** here and layed into her with a flogger
[1:01] ***MD***: Welcome back ***mL***.
[1:01] Srilania Svoboda: Because she is my slave, and we have a relationship, we have COMMUNICATION, and are able to have a CONSENTUAL session
[1:01] ***PS***: nods
[1:01] ***IM***: girl thinks there could still be a point where consentual activity is abuse. Such as where someone actually wanted to be tortured or mutilated.
[1:01] ***mL*** smiles ...thank You Miss ***MD***
[1:02] Srilania Svoboda: But say I grabbed up my flogger and started whipping the bejesus out of Tom here
[1:02] ***TE***: ll
[1:02] ***TE***: o
[1:02] Srilania Svoboda: He and I have NO communication, no relationship, therefore NO CONSENT
[1:03] Srilania Svoboda: But, when does a BDSM practice become abuse?
[1:03] ***MD***: I agree, there is a point when both people involved have unhealthy habits.
[1:04] Srilania Svoboda: Aye, but just because a Do***mL***nt and submissive have an unhealthy habit, it's not considered abuse UNTIL CONSENT IS REMOVED
[1:04] Srilania Svoboda: Say i was whipping ***PS*** here, and she called her safeword
[1:04] ***TE***: the line of abuse can only be drawn between the two in the realtion ship .... a lot of thinks would be cauled abuse by my neighbours
[1:04] ***TE***: but still
[1:04] ***TE***: smiles
[1:04] Srilania Svoboda: Safeword=REMOVAL of CONSENT
[1:04] ***MD***: Then what would you define an unhealthy, unacceptable habit between two consenting adults. When should an outsider step in...
[1:05] ***MD***: Like extreme blood play, or suffocation
[1:05] Srilania Svoboda: When those practices become life threatening
[1:06] Srilania Svoboda: Or they talk about wanting to try something that is life threatening
[1:06] ***IM***: There are situations when legal consent cannot be given, even if wanted.
[1:06] Srilania Svoboda: Mind you, there is an acronym for this
[1:07] Srilania Svoboda: RACK
[1:07] ***IM*** nods
[1:07] Srilania Svoboda: Risk Aware Consentual Kink
[1:07] ***PS*** Susa nods
[1:08] Srilania Svoboda: As someone into both bloodplay and breathplay, I have studied and learned relatively safe methods to practice this. But even light bondage carries risks
[1:08] ***MD***: Excue me, I have to be going.
[1:09] ***PS***: thanks for coming ***MD***
[1:09] Srilania Svoboda: next question?
[1:09] ***mL***: mlrelease
[1:10] ***TE***: i might to ask somthing
[1:10] Srilania Svoboda: Ask away
[1:10] ***TE***: a friend of mine is a rl slave
[1:10] Srilania Svoboda: Ok
[1:10] ***TE***: and i am worried about here cause
[1:10] ***TE***: she seves and did not get the apriation that she wish
[1:11] ***TE***: it tears at here
[1:11] ***TE***: and is strugaling all times that she things she is just failing cause she is a bad slave
[1:11] ***TE***: but i cant help
[1:11] Srilania Svoboda: Ok. If I understand you correctly, she is in a RL slave relationship, but feels she is not getting the attention or appreciation she deserves?
[1:12] ***TE***: i once did the mistake to tell here to leave
[1:12] ***TE***: yes
[1:12] Srilania Svoboda: Oh, there's several steps before thinking about leaving comes into play
[1:12] Srilania Svoboda: the biggest thing?
[1:12] Srilania Svoboda: it's a hard word
[1:12] Srilania Svoboda: Communication
[1:13] Srilania Svoboda: If she feels she is not getting what she needs from her relationship, no matter if it is real life, second life, or texting on IRC
[1:13] ***TE***: smiles yes but she refuses to comunicate
[1:13] Srilania Svoboda: she should TALK to her owner, and bring up her issues
[1:13] ***TE***: cause she just giv in and thinks that she would be allowed to
[1:14] Srilania Svoboda: And if she refuses to communicate, then sadly there's not a lot you can really do for her. That is a step she has to take
[1:15] ***TE***: smiles ... yes
[1:15] ***TE***: but hard to watch
[1:15] Srilania Svoboda: yes, there are times where no matter how much we want to step in and rescue someone
[1:15] ***IM***: It's bad enough when that happens in SL. girl has seen a lot of unhappiness because slaves won't talk to their Masters. girl has never seen it in RL, but talking to the Master and letting them know there is a problem has helped.
[1:15] Srilania Svoboda: the ONLY thing you can do is back away
[1:16] ***SJ***: I have to go now Miss, thank youvery much
[1:16] ***TE***: yes i noticed ... ty
[1:16] Srilania Svoboda: Thanks for comming ***SJ***
[1:16] ***PS***: thank you fro coming ***SJ***
[1:16] ***MK***: hai, domo arigato.
[1:16] Srilania Svoboda: More questions?
[1:18] ***PS***: What are your thoughs on safeword choice Aijin?
[1:18] Srilania Svoboda: Safewords should be words you don't use normally.
[1:19] Srilania Svoboda: because you don't want to end play because you were high in subspace and asked for they red scarf, and ended play
[1:19] Srilania Svoboda: the
[1:19] ***PS***: so, something that would stick out?
[1:20] ***MK***: and if the session, your in, would require the use of a certain word you've made yoru safe word?
[1:20] ***MK***: your*
[1:20] Srilania Svoboda: I have personally seen: Aardvark, Platypus, Mayday, Safeword, Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, Tortilla, Broccoli, and Pot Roast
[1:21] ***TE***: i like the mary poppens quote :)
[1:21] Srilania Svoboda: She was a Disney fan, so made that her red safeword
[1:21] ***PS***: So... Zork would work as a safeward
[1:21] ***PS*** Susa nods
[1:21] Srilania Svoboda: Zork would work
[1:22] ***PS***: spork,fork,bjork, orc!
[1:22] Srilania Svoboda: And if you happen to have had the UNFORTUNATE accident to have picked a safeword that will be needed during play, STOP PLAY IMMEDIATELY, and renegotiate a new safeword
[1:22] ***PS*** Susa nods
[1:23] Srilania Svoboda: One question IMed to me
[1:23] Srilania Svoboda: Does a BDSM relationship need a Punishment system.
[1:24] Srilania Svoboda: Well, as a whole, No, a BDSM relationship does not. Because Discipline is one part of BDSM, and not everyone practices all parts of it
[1:24] Srilania Svoboda: Some BDSMers just like bondage. Others are Sadists and Masochists.
[1:24] Srilania Svoboda: And some like the Discipline
[1:25] Srilania Svoboda: Bondage, Discipline, Sadism, Masochism
[1:25] ***MK***: what if you are all 4? how would you set up a discipline system for a masochist?
[1:25] ***MK***: i suppose that one joke comes to mind.
[1:25] Srilania Svoboda: The reason all these things are put into this lump is because OFTEN people practice more than one part, and often practice most of it
[1:26] ***PS*** Susa nods
[1:26] ***IM***: girl can't imagine anyone would like all forms of disipline. One may like a spanking but not going without dinner, for example.
[1:27] Srilania Svoboda: And setting up discipline? That's actually something extremely impossible for me to recommend without knowing the exact situation. Best bet is for a Do***mL***nt and a submissive to sit down, COMMUNICATE, and work things out
[1:28] Svetlana Qinan: Oop, I'm being called away. Thanks for tonight's talk Sri! :)
[1:28] Srilania Svoboda: But, the common thing is a punishment is usually something the submissve masochist finds distatesful, while still in their limits
[1:28] Srilania Svoboda: thanks for comming Svetlana
[1:28] Svetlana Qinan: :)
[1:28] ***PS***: :D
[1:29] Srilania Svoboda: Any further questions?
[1:29] ***TE***: not form me :)
[1:29] ***TE***: yet ...
[1:29] ***IM***: Thank You, Miss Sri.
[1:29] ***PS***: if a train bound for New Orleans leaves the station at 3pm...
[1:29] ***IM*** giggles
[1:30] ***MK***: i have one
[1:30] Srilania Svoboda: Ok
[1:31] ***MK***: in a RL or SL BDSM relationship. how would you deal with being apart of a great length of time,with the promiss to return? mainly if you are a Slave, who enjoys the praise you get, or being there to provide service.
[1:32] Srilania Svoboda: You mean such as the Do***mL***nt having to go on a trip, and unable to be there for a while?
[1:32] ***MK*** nods "hai"
[1:32] Srilania Svoboda: Usually the Do***mL***nt will either set up a system to keep in some kind of contact, OR will ask someone they trust to watch over their submissive while they are unable to be there
[1:33] Srilania Svoboda: Any other questions before i close it for this time?
[1:33] ***IM*** shakes her head
[1:34] ***PS***: nope
[1:34] Srilania Svoboda: Well, I'll do another of these sessions at 7am SLT on Thusday
[1:34] Srilania Svoboda: thank you for coming, and feel free to tip your teacher
[1:34] ***MK*** smiles
[1:34] ***TE***: smiles
[1:34] ***MK***: Domo arigato Aijin.
[1:35] ***TE***: ty for your time and help
[1:35] ***IM***: Thank You, Miss Sri.
[1:35] ***PS***: ty for comming Tom
[1:35] Srilania Svoboda: thank you both for coming
[1:35] Srilania Svoboda: Why thank you tom!
[1:35] ***TE***: smiles
[1:36] ***TE***: cause you got me a real help ful lession
[1:36] ***IM***: Now girl needs to go to sleep so she can make it to her Mistress' class, hehe.
[1:36] Srilania Svoboda: heehee
[1:36] ***MK***: heh, oyasumi nasai lbrew-san.
[1:36] ***PS***: okies
[1:36] ***MK*** bows humbly
[1:36] Srilania Svoboda: Sleep? What is that?
[1:36] ***PS***: thanks for coming ***IM***
[1:36] ***IM***: hehe.
[1:36] ***TE***: bye to you all
[1:36] ***IM***: Bye, Sir ***TE***
[1:36] ***MK***: be well ***TE***. domo arigato for coming
[1:37] ***PS*** gives ***IM*** a huge hug.
[1:37] ***IM***: mmmmmm
[1:37] ***TE***: smiles ty ;inakop Sun
[1:37] ***IM***: It's good to see you all again.
[1:37] ***PS***: see you later ***IM***, have a good sleep
[1:37] ***IM***: Thank you.
[1:37] Srilania Svoboda: Normally, i pick a topic each week. This time, i thought might be a good idea to open it up to whatever people feel they need
[1:38] ***PS***: they are helpful
[1:38] ***IM***: And all the class transcripts are on http://collegeofkink.blogspot.com
[1:38] Srilania Svoboda: Depending on how popular this turns out, i might just keep this new format
[1:38] ***IM***: And search for college to find them in SL Events.
[1:39] ***IM***: We're up to six a week now, right, Miss Sri?