Alone: Why don't they log on anymore? - 2/10/09

[2009/02/10 9:09] Pirate Russell: Ok, please take all cross talk to IM, and all collar, etc commands to the secondary channels!
[2009/02/10 9:09] Pirate Russell: Welcome to House of V's College of Kink! As most of y'all know, My name is Pirate Russell, Head Mistress of the College, and today's instructor. I have been in SL for over 3 years, a lesbian Domme, the entire time.
[2009/02/10 9:09] Pirate Russell: If any need to leave early, the transcript for this, and all other classes can be found at http://collegeofkink.blogspot.com.
[2009/02/10 9:09] Pirate Russell: Our topic today, "Alone: Why don't they log on anymore?".
[2009/02/10 9:10] Pirate Russell: alone by ~Hoeg on deviantART ( http://bdsmforbeginners.blogspot.com/search/label/Cyber%20Kink%20Issues )
[2009/02/10 9:10] Pirate Russell: "She's been my Mistress for 9 months.Now our blog's gone and She's not responding to email"
[2009/02/10 9:10] Pirate Russell: "We were about to collar her and she vanished without a word"
[2009/02/10 9:10] Pirate Russell: "I don't think I'm going to get to see Her again for a long while...if ever.
[2009/02/10 9:10] Pirate Russell: *She's deleted Her yahoo account. "
[2009/02/10 9:10] Pirate Russell: "How long do I wait? I can't seem to move forward"
[2009/02/10 9:10] Pirate Russell: One day you are happy, playing with your online BDSM play partner, chatting about inconsequential things and planning your next time together.
[2009/02/10 9:11] Pirate Russell: The next day, without warning, your world falls apart. Your partner fails to turn up online. They don't respond to your attempts to contact them. Their email address bounces.
[2009/02/10 9:11] Pirate Russell: Their profile vanishes from the sites you both belong to. No one in your online community has heard from them. You panic: are they ill? Hurt? Dead in a car crash? How will you ever know?
[2009/02/10 9:11] Pirate Russell: You suddenly realize you have no way to find them. You search through every IM conversation record for facts about their real life - anything that might lead you to them...
[2009/02/10 9:11] Pirate Russell: Days pass. Weeks. You go from feeling concern to blaming yourself: you must have been a bad sub or Dom/me. You drove them away. Its all your fault. You must have said something wrong (but what??).
[2009/02/10 9:12] Pirate Russell: Then your mood switches to frustration and anger: how dare they do this? How could they? They said they cared. You were friends. More than friends. They knew you better than anyone. Then you feel despair: you feel betrayed.
[2009/02/10 9:12] Pirate Russell: How long must you wait? WHERE ARE THEY???? Then you just feel numb.
[2009/02/10 9:12] Pirate Russell: Sometimes they never come back. Sometimes they do. That can be worse.
[2009/02/10 9:12] Pirate Russell: Welcome to the world of online loss.
[2009/02/10 9:13] Pirate Russell: It's a remarkably common experience - most of us with online play partners (whether for online sex, dating, BDSM or even on games like Second Life) will unfortunately encounter it in some form.
[2009/02/10 9:13] Pirate Russell: Equally unfortunately there's very little written about it, but it's an experience you don't want to go through alone.
[2009/02/10 9:13] Pirate Russell: This BDSM For Beginners post will hopefully provide you with some ways to understand it, cope with it and hopefully in future avoid it.
[2009/02/10 9:13] Pirate Russell: I. WHY DO PEOPLE DISAPPEAR ONLINE?
[2009/02/10 9:13] Pirate Russell: It's impossible to speak for individuals, but we can draw some general observations about why / when people disappear:
[2009/02/10 9:14] Pirate Russell: Disappearing at the end of a relationship:
[2009/02/10 9:14] Pirate Russell: In this case your partner vanishes after an argument, or things go wrong. They may cut off all contact and make public statements like deleting their blogs or profiles.
[2009/02/10 9:14] Pirate Russell: In these cases you have some warning that things are going wrong, so while the whole experience is upsetting (as is the end of any relationship, whether kinky or vanilla, or real time or online) at least you have an understanding of why it occurred.
[2009/02/10 9:15] Pirate Russell: Many people are sincere in wanting to dismantle the online persona they utilized with you, at the end of a relationships.
[2009/02/10 9:15] Pirate Russell: However be aware that others use the threat of vanishing as a nasty means to control their partner, when an online relationship is in trouble.
[2009/02/10 9:15] Pirate Russell: In these cases they may not entirely delete their profile but might delete their friends list, etc and leave a statement claiming they no longer use the site (this always looks very silly when you can see elsewhere on their page that they are online).
[2009/02/10 9:16] Pirate Russell: If your partner turns out to be playing this sort of game, while there is certainly hope you might get back together (or else why would they still be around)
[2009/02/10 9:16] Pirate Russell: it might be time to have a good hard think about whether you really want to continue in a relationship with someone who plays around with your mind and heart in such a manner.
[2009/02/10 9:16] Pirate Russell: II.DISSAPPEARING BECAUSE OF REAL LIFE ISSUES:
[2009/02/10 9:17] Pirate Russell: In these circumstances, you may or may not get warning, depending how close you are to your online partner and how much they discuss their real life with you. If they do, then you will be aware of whatever crisis they are facing.
[2009/02/10 9:17] Pirate Russell: Actually, here you may, or may not, be aware... some crises arise rather abruptly
[2009/02/10 9:17] Pirate Russell: If not, they leave an email or IM message for you, saying that they have a problem and need some time offline. It may not provide all the information you want but at least such a message means you know where they are,
[2009/02/10 9:18] Pirate Russell: and that your online relationship will hopefully be able to resume when their situation is improved. They may of course also leave a message that says their problem is ongoing (such as trying to fix a marriage) and they won't be back.
[2009/02/10 9:18] Pirate Russell: Disappearing for a while due to online fatigue:
[2009/02/10 9:18] Pirate Russell: Sometimes people just need to take a break for a while. They may leave a message. Other times there is no warning, although looking back you will probably recognize your partner was under stress.
[2009/02/10 9:19] Pirate Russell: They don't delete anything online, they just don't seem to come online anymore and become impossible to contact.
[2009/02/10 9:19] Pirate Russell: I'm guilty of this myself. I call it Mistress Fatigue - a desperate need to have a break from your online persona for a while. I always come back. But I just need some space. If you seem to be encountering this kind of disappearance,
[2009/02/10 9:19] Pirate Russell: there is one magic word that solves the problem: patience. Trust your partner. They will be back, and they will appreciate the patience and consideration you have shown.
[2009/02/10 9:20] Pirate Russell: III. DISAPEARING WITHOUT WARNING:
[2009/02/10 9:20] Pirate Russell: This is the scenario I outlined at the beginning of this post. You get no warning at all: they are simply gone. The worst scenario going through your head - that they may have died - is unlikely
[2009/02/10 9:20] Pirate Russell: (although I know one sub who did lose a great friend and Mistress this way, when she died unexpectedly). They may be in hospital, or have close relatives in hospital, and be unable to get online.
[2009/02/10 9:20] Pirate Russell: Their computer may have broken down. They may have forgotten to pay their wireless bill. Or gone on an unexpected business trip.
[2009/02/10 9:21] Pirate Russell: All these reasons work well in the short term, but they don't work after a week or so. Nor do they offer comfort if your partner has deleted their online personas.
[2009/02/10 9:21] Pirate Russell: At some point you may just have to face up (as I once did) to the cold hard fact that someone you care about simply does not care enough about you to get in touch and explain their actions.
[2009/02/10 9:22] Pirate Russell: Although nothing has been specifically written about BDSM online relationship disappearances, you can find responses (such as B Z on datingdame.com) documenting reasons for vanishing during online dating:
[2009/02/10 9:22] Pirate Russell: "When I mysteriously disappear online, it usually means I am afraid of rejection.
[2009/02/10 9:22] Pirate Russell: I am afraid of the person saying, "Hurrumph, she said she was not fat". I am afraid of becoming all nervous and silly and making a fool of myself by saying the wrong things. And if I do manage to overcome these worries, I have the secondary fear of reject
[2009/02/10 9:22] Pirate Russell: If the person is, in real life, dull or bad-tempered, I don't want to have gotten all excited about a date only to have to turn down their request for another one."
[2009/02/10 9:23] Pirate Russell: But these reasons don't seem to apply to online only BDSM relationships, unless your partner vanished just before you arranged to meet.
[2009/02/10 9:23] Pirate Russell: You may find some hint in your relationship's history (I was told much later that my gone-without-warning sub did not want to tell me she was moving to a real time dominant).
[2009/02/10 9:23] Pirate Russell: But let's be honest, you may never hear why. Perhaps the only "why" we will ever know is one Dragon Lord touches on indirectly in The Views From The Dragon's Lair: Dealing With Running:
[2009/02/10 9:24] Pirate Russell: "Ever notice how many people are running everyday? Running here and there, running to their jobs, running to their homes, running to make money, running from debt, running from so many things: pain, love, commitment, the past, the future.
[2009/02/10 9:24] Pirate Russell: Sometimes I wonder if they really know what they are running from. In this life from a Dominant's perspective we see a lot of this running, we encounter it constantly ....
[2009/02/10 9:25] Pirate Russell: "[Some people even run] from their goals. Once they realized that you were not the other person, that you were true to your word, then they became scared of the commitment that will incur their desires coming true. .....
[2009/02/10 9:25] Pirate Russell: There are so many different reasons that people run: i.e. the fear of not being needed, the fear of disappointing, the fear of having disappointed, and the fear of rejection, of acceptance, of success and of failure".
[2009/02/10 9:25] Pirate Russell: IV. WHAT DO YOU FEEL WHEN THIS HAPPENS?
[2009/02/10 9:25] Pirate Russell: Well, obviously you feel like shit. I grieved for months. Another friend who is currently experiencing this recently wrote:
[2009/02/10 9:26] Pirate Russell: "I understand real life comes first. There have been times where I've walked away for one reason or another. I've hurt people in the past, never intentionally but it has happened and I still regret it ...
[2009/02/10 9:26] Pirate Russell: Understanding doesn't make it any easier though ... [I'm] feeling abandoned, confused, lost ... just wishing to have one last conversation to talk things over. There are no hard feelings, just things left unsaid and questions left unanswered ... ".
[2009/02/10 9:26] Pirate Russell: I felt exactly the same. He also faces the same terrible double bind - the uncertainty of whether to move on or to wait: "If She does come back soon, I don't want it to appear that I have been disloyal, or unfaithful.
[2009/02/10 9:27] Pirate Russell: But what if She doesn't come back?". People in other areas on online life face the same issues, such as Carly, who experienced the disappearance of her marriage partner on Second Life:
[2009/02/10 9:27] Pirate Russell: "I don't know what to do. I'm normally a pretty aggressive, take charge kind of woman, but right now I feel so pathetic. How long do I wait to move on? A month? Two? Three? I don't know how long I can stand to feel like this.
[2009/02/10 9:27] Pirate Russell: I went from having it all to having nothing but ashes. I don't want another girl, I want the one I had..."
[2009/02/10 9:28] Pirate Russell: But on the other hand, you have to start to think of your own needs, as my friend did:
[2009/02/10 9:28] Pirate Russell: "Will She be back? How long will it take? How long should I wait? That last [question] is kind of a big one for me. I use my time online to express myself, to satisfy that submissive itch that I have, that cannot be ignored.
[2009/02/10 9:28] Pirate Russell: If it goes too long without being scratched I find myself depressed, irritable, and just not myself".
[2009/02/10 9:28] Pirate Russell: This brings us to the next question: your survival.
[2009/02/10 9:29] Pirate Russell: V. HOW DO I COPE, IN PRACTICAL TERMS?
[2009/02/10 9:29] Pirate Russell: Firstly, and most importantly BY NOT BLAMING YOURSELF.
[2009/02/10 9:29] Pirate Russell: The fact your play partner has vanished IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You are not a bad sub or a bad Dom/me. You did not fail. You did not drive them away. Their disappearance is about their issues, not yours.
[2009/02/10 9:29] Pirate Russell: Secondly, treat yourself gently. You are in mourning and in shock: give yourself your normal post BDSM scene aftercare. Look after yourself.
[2009/02/10 9:30] Pirate Russell: Here are some issues you might have to deal with:
[2009/02/10 9:30] Pirate Russell: Trying to find them:
[2009/02/10 9:30] Pirate Russell: Okay so you are convinced they are out there, injured somewhere, or alone and hurt. What can you do? Well again this entirely depends on the information you exchanged during your online relationship.
[2009/02/10 9:31] Pirate Russell: If you have a real name and a city, you probably CAN track them down. But think this through; you don't want to be accused of stalking so use the info you have to make sure they are alive and well - and then let them be.
[2009/02/10 9:31] Pirate Russell: If you never exchanged real names its going to be tricky to find them. You might be able to do it on the basis of other information.
[2009/02/10 9:31] Pirate Russell: Its also important to talk to others in your online community - they may have more recent information (I heard one story where a Mistress left a message for her sub with other subs in a chatroom, when she had to leave the country in a hurry)
[2009/02/10 9:31] Pirate Russell: or be aware if your partner has done this in the past, before you came on the scene
[2009/02/10 9:31] Pirate Russell: Contacting them again:
[2009/02/10 9:32] Pirate Russell: Some people will tell you after any relationship finishes (vanilla or otherwise) to burn the photos, chuck out the momentos and never contact them again. So re contacting someone who has disappeared,
[2009/02/10 9:32] Pirate Russell: I guess it comes down to how badly you were hurt during your period of loss.
[2009/02/10 9:32] Pirate Russell: Sure, if it doesn't feel good, then leave them be. But if you still feel something for them, and you beli***EE***they are out there somewhere and still picking up their mail, then why not drop them the odd line?
[2009/02/10 9:33] Pirate Russell: Wish them Happy Birthday, Merry Xmas and Happy New Year. It lets them know you are thinking of them. There is also the chance they may respond.
[2009/02/10 9:33] Pirate Russell: In the online dating world, B Z advises that when she disappears online, what people should do in response is "DON'T go all stalkery on me, sending email after email imploring me to respond.
[2009/02/10 9:33] Pirate Russell: The best thing to do would be to continue to send the occasional email just to keep in touch. Perhaps ask for my help with something - you need to buy a present for a teenaged niece, or you need to translate something into a language I know.
[2009/02/10 9:34] Pirate Russell: You might invite me to a group event. If you are painting your house and inviting everyone you know over to help paint and then eat barbecue, I just might show up".
[2009/02/10 9:34] Pirate Russell: What to do if/when they turn up again:
[2009/02/10 9:34] Pirate Russell: This is the hardest part of all. You go through weeks, possibly months of grieving. You finally move on ... and then one day they reappear. Invariably this happens long after you have stopped dreaming of it happening!
[2009/02/10 9:35] Pirate Russell: In many cases, the person hardly gives any explanation but often seems to expect the relationship to pick up as if they had never been away.
[2009/02/10 9:35] Pirate Russell: Many Dom/mes have spoken to me about this. It's rare that the relationship is resumed, because trust has been so profoundly broken - would you ever beli***EE***their promise that it wouldn't happen again?
[2009/02/10 9:35] Pirate Russell: But why don't you at least try to preserve the friendship? However: do be prepared. They often disappear again.
[2009/02/10 9:36] Pirate Russell: VI. WHAT CAN I DO TO AVOIDIT HAPPENING (AGAIN)?
[2009/02/10 9:36] Pirate Russell: A lot of this has to do with personalities and individual relationships and it seems impossible to generalize, but there are a few things you can do:
[2009/02/10 9:37] Pirate Russell: * Exchange real names and contact details. I've made this a part of all online sub contracts since my own experience.
[2009/02/10 9:37] Pirate Russell: * Set up a contact scheme for emergencies: Some Dom/mes arrange for a third party to be involved, to contact their subs if the Dom/me has a family crisis, health emergency, etc. Discuss with each other what might work for you both.
[2009/02/10 9:38] Pirate Russell: * Talk about online disappearances. Make sure the topic comes up in conversation with your partner during good times. Ask them if they have ever done it, what their feelings are about it.
[2009/02/10 9:38] Pirate Russell: It sounds trite and sure some people lie, but this remains a fairly successful way of finding out what they think. It also gives you an opportunity to get your own thoughts about it across.
[2009/02/10 9:38] Pirate Russell: If your partner knows you'd be worried sick if they vanished, they may try more to keep you in the loop regarding their plans.
[2009/02/10 9:39] Pirate Russell: * Never take your online relationship for granted: the truth is you never know when someone might disappear - or other things might go wrong - so remember
[2009/02/10 9:39] Pirate Russell looks down, "WHEW, she's still here!"
[2009/02/10 9:39] Pirate Russell: every time you meet online to really appreciate your play partner and the wonderful BDSM times you are having. Your appreciation will be visible to them, and will make them appreciate you more as well.
[2009/02/10 9:39] Ibrew Meads giggles
[2009/02/10 9:39] Pirate Russell: And good luck!
[2009/02/10 9:40] Patrick Muggins: yep! It's moment to moment.
[2009/02/10 9:40] Pirate Russell: Citation: http://bdsmforbeginners.blogspot.com/search/label/Cyber%20Kink%20Issues
[2009/02/10 9:40] Pirate Russell: The transcript for this, and all other classes can be found at http://collegeofkink.blogspot.com
[2009/02/10 9:40] Pirate Russell: Questions?? Comments??
[2009/02/10 9:40] ***HZ***: raises hand
[2009/02/10 9:41] Pirate Russell: Yes, ***HZ***
[2009/02/10 9:41] ***NG***: Random non-sequitors?
[2009/02/10 9:41] ***HZ***: i cannot stress the importance of an emergency contact
[2009/02/10 9:41] ***HZ***: when things became serious for Sir and i
[2009/02/10 9:41] ***HZ***: we both set up a third party who would contact
[2009/02/10 9:41] ***HZ***: in the event of an emergency
[2009/02/10 9:41] ***HZ***: gave us both such peace of mind
[2009/02/10 9:42] ***HZ***: prays to gods W/we never have to use them
[2009/02/10 9:42] Pirate Russell: Well there are some that don't want to give out a lot of RL info, though, My SL wife has been STALKED!
[2009/02/10 9:43] ***HZ***: nods, but having had one partner end up in the hospital for 6 weeks without a word
[2009/02/10 9:43] Pirate Russell: RL stalked, "You didn't take the flight I bought, and now I'm pissed" Stalked
[2009/02/10 9:43] ***HZ***: i needed the security
[2009/02/10 9:43] Pirate Russell: And that's great, ***HZ***
[2009/02/10 9:43] Pirate Russell: as W/we all know, D/s is a RELATIONSHIP!
[2009/02/10 9:44] ***SS***: I actually have things set so if I am in the hospital, or dead, people get informed automatically
[2009/02/10 9:44] Pirate Russell: and all RELATIONSHIPS are as different as the people (and farm animals) that are in them!
[2009/02/10 9:44] ***HZ***: shudders at stalking
[2009/02/10 9:44] Pirate Russell: Ahh...
[2009/02/10 9:44] ***EE***: how ***SS***?
[2009/02/10 9:45] Pirate Russell: My hubby doesn't play, but if he logged in as Me, he could answer the flood if IM's that would hit if I din't long in EVERY freakin' day! LOL
[2009/02/10 9:45] ***SS***: My RL Mother and my Landlord have a set of E-mails that are to go to certain people. If it is my death, those e-mails have passwords to things I wish them to have
[2009/02/10 9:45] ***EW***: Some deadman's switch
[2009/02/10 9:45] ***EW***: Very thoughtful.
[2009/02/10 9:45] ***HZ***: wowser
[2009/02/10 9:46] ***EW***: Check this out, http://www.deadmansswitch.net
[2009/02/10 9:46] Pirate Russell: Thanks, I'll check that out after class ***EW***
[2009/02/10 9:47] ***SS***: I can say one reason i have run into for runners
[2009/02/10 9:48] Pirate Russell: Any other questions, comments, dirty jokes?
[2009/02/10 9:48] Ibrew Meads: How should one leave, if they decide to?
[2009/02/10 9:48] ***SS***: Sometimes, the realization that the other person does not treat things as a game, taking things seriously, crashes in on them. Out of fear, or guilt, they just vanish
[2009/02/10 9:49] ***SS***: Ibrew, that's easy. Straight up honest truth.
[2009/02/10 9:49] ***SS***: Send an e-mail. Talk to them. Something. Dissappearing to break up is a coward's ploy
[2009/02/10 9:51] Pirate Russell: Well... if the RELATIONSHIP is the least bit healthy... what do we have... ***MG***?
[2009/02/10 9:51] Pirate Russell: C _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
[2009/02/10 9:52] ***MG***: communication?
[2009/02/10 9:52] Pirate Russell: BINGO
[2009/02/10 9:52] ***MG***: sorry my minds jumbled right now Miss Pirate
[2009/02/10 9:52] Pirate Russell: no propblem
[2009/02/10 9:52] Pirate Russell: girl got it right! he he
[2009/02/10 9:53] Pirate Russell: ibrew can tell you, that there have been more than one time, in MANY different situations, some intimate, some just shopping, that I've said, "I GOTTA go!"
[2009/02/10 9:54] Pirate Russell: It's not always comfortable to do, but it needs doing!
[2009/02/10 9:54] ***PS*** smiles
[2009/02/10 9:54] Pirate Russell: Anything else?
[2009/02/10 9:55] Pirate Russell: Going once....
[2009/02/10 9:55] Pirate Russell: ...........................................twice...
[2009/02/10 9:56] ***SS***: $2 and a box of envelopes?
[2009/02/10 9:56] ***NG***: Three times a lady....
[2009/02/10 9:56] Pirate Russell: ..................................................................................STOLE MY JOKE!
[2009/02/10 9:56] Pirate Russell: Class dismissed!
[2009/02/10 9:56] Ibrew Meads giggles
[2009/02/10 9:56] Pirate Russell: W/we need to clear out, got a nother class coming in here on Thursday at MIDNIGHT:30!!! he he
[2009/02/10 9:56] ***SS***: lol
[2009/02/10 9:56] ***EW***: Thanks Pirate
[2009/02/10 9:56] Pirate Russell: And ***SS***'s Thursday at 7a
[2009/02/10 9:57] Pirate Russell: and Mine again Friday, same bat time... same baat areana!
[2009/02/10 9:57] ***SS***: Taking a research break this week so I can get topics lined up
[2009/02/10 9:58] Pirate Russell: PLEASE, in leiu of any tips, pleas go to West of Ireland, and donate to the Charity there!