Communication Ain't For Sissies - 2/24/09

[2009/02/24 9:07] Pirate Russell: OK, those that will, please turn off any radars, MystiTools, etc., to help with the Horrendous lag
[2009/02/24 9:08] Pirate Russell: Please take all cross talk to IM, and all collar, etc commands to the secondary channels!
[2009/02/24 9:08] Pirate Russell: Welcome to House of V's College of Kink! As most of y'all know, My name is Pirate Russell, Head Mistress of the College, and today's instructor. I have been in SL for 3 years, a lesbian Domme, the entire time.
[2009/02/24 9:08] ***KC*** smiles
[2009/02/24 9:08] Pirate Russell: For any that need to leave early, all transcripts can be found at http://collegeofkink.blogspot.com
[2009/02/24 9:09] Pirate Russell: Franklin Veaux's Journal...the color of television, tuned to a dead channel. by Tacet
[2009/02/24 9:09] Pirate Russell: How to Have a Happy Relationship
[2009/02/24 9:09] Pirate Russell: It seems to me that a lot of basic ideas behind happy, healthy relationships are often considered “advanced,” and seem to take rather a lot more time to learn than perhaps they really ought to.
[2009/02/24 9:09] Pirate Russell: At least, they sometimes did for your humble scribe. Ahem.
[2009/02/24 9:09] Pirate Russell: So, in the interests of spreading the wealth (because experience is the best teacher, but sometimes the tuition is very high), I present Relationship Ideas That Should Be Obvious But Aren’t.
[2009/02/24 9:10] Pirate Russell: ~You can’t expect to have what you want if you don’t ask for what you want.
[2009/02/24 9:10] Pirate Russell: This is arguably one of the most basic rules for all of life, yet it’s surprising how often we forget.
[2009/02/24 9:10] Pirate Russell: There’s almost no greater recipe for emotional turmoil then wanting something or harboring some expectation, not telling anyone about it, and then not getting it.
[2009/02/24 9:10] Pirate Russell: Next time you get really, really upset about some desire or expectation not being met, stop and ask yourself: “Did I actually let the people around me know about it?”
[2009/02/24 9:11] Pirate Russell: Here’s a tip: Dropping hints about what you want doesn’t count. Neither does wishing really hard. Nor waiting for the folks around you to become telepathic.
[2009/02/24 9:11] Pirate Russell: ~If all of your relationships go pear-shaped in the same exact way and end badly in the same exact way, then maybe it’s because of something you’re doing.
[2009/02/24 9:11] Pirate Russell: Seriously. The one common element in all your relationship failures is you. Someone cheat on you? Well, that sucks, but it happens. Every single person you ever date in your life cheat on you? You’re attracted to folks who cheat.
[2009/02/24 9:11] Pirate Russell: If all of your relationships end the same way, maybe it’s time to step back and take a good, hard look at the kinds of folks you’re attracted to.
[2009/02/24 9:11] Pirate Russell: ~If you find that sex always becomes boring after a while in all your relationships, maybe it’s because you’re choosing to let it.
[2009/02/24 9:12] Pirate Russell: There’s a lot of fun you can have in (and out) of the bedroom.
[2009/02/24 9:12] Pirate Russell: The total range of the human sexual experience is breathtaking–so much so that if you lived to be a thousand years old and did something different in bed every night for that entire thousand years, you’d still never have time to do it all. Seriously.
[2009/02/24 9:12] Pirate Russell: If you find that your sex life keeps getting stuck in a rut, maybe it’s time to explore something new.
[2009/02/24 9:12] Pirate Russell: CRAP.... brb
[2009/02/24 9:14] Pirate Russell: sorry, dang RL
[2009/02/24 9:14] Pirate Russell: A sure way to make yourself crazy and have a boring sex life is to keep worrying about whether trying something new would be “too weird.”
[2009/02/24 9:14] Pirate Russell: The expression “That’s too weird” has done more to advance the cause of boring sex than all the world’s religions combined.
[2009/02/24 9:14] Pirate Russell: ~Going into a relationship with the expectation that you can get your partner to change is quite likely to end in tears.
[2009/02/24 9:14] Pirate Russell: Now, don’t get me wrong–people can and do change. In fact, change is the one constant in life. I’m not the person I was five years ago, and if you’re doing this properly, you aren’t either.
[2009/02/24 9:15] Pirate Russell: But expecting that a person will change in the ways that you want him to, because you want him to, is setting yourself up for suck and fail. Fixer-upper relationships usually don’t work.
[2009/02/24 9:15] Pirate Russell: And if you go into things thinking “Oh, I can fix him!” you just might find your ship of enthusiasm foundering on the shoals of the fact that maybe he likes being the way he is.
[2009/02/24 9:15] Pirate Russell: A relationship in which you say “This relationship is absolutely wonderful except for…” is not absolutely wonderful.
[2009/02/24 9:16] Pirate Russell: Especially when the part that comes after the “except for…” is something so horrifying it’d make most folks run for the hills.
[2009/02/24 9:16] Pirate Russell: This relationship is wonderful except for the fact that we’re completely incompatible in bed.
[2009/02/24 9:17] Pirate Russell: This relationship is wonderful except for the fact that she keeps forgetting to take her meds.
[2009/02/24 9:17] Pirate Russell: This relationship is wonderful except for the fact that he can’t talk honestly about his feelings.
[2009/02/24 9:17] Pirate Russell: Look out!
[2009/02/24 9:17] Pirate Russell: For maximum effect, try combining “this relationship is wonderful except for…” with “…but I know I can change him” and double your suck!
[2009/02/24 9:17] Pirate Russell: ~A partner who is kind to you but not kind to the waitress isn’t a kind person.
[2009/02/24 9:18] Pirate Russell: Seriously. The fact that he’s kind to you might just mean that he wants something from you. (Or that you’re not his property…yet.
[2009/02/24 9:18] Pirate Russell: Marry that person who’s nice to you but not nice to the waitress and you might just find that once the ring is on your finger, he may start treating you like the waitress. Or worse.)
[2009/02/24 9:18] Pirate Russell: The way a person treats the folks around him reveals a lot about his true self. Pay attention.
[2009/02/24 9:19] Pirate Russell: ~It is possible to deeply, profoundly, genuinely, truly love someone, and yet that person might still not be a good partner for you.
[2009/02/24 9:19] Pirate Russell: It takes more than love to make a relationship work.
[2009/02/24 9:19] Pirate Russell: A person you love, but who is incompatible with you, or who lacks good relationship skills, or who can’t communicate with you, is not going to make for a functional, healthy relationship.
[2009/02/24 9:20] Pirate Russell: Love and five bucks will get you a cup of coffee. Or, to put it more scientifically, love is necessary but not sufficient, no matter how many Disney movies and romantic comedies say otherwise.
[2009/02/24 9:20] Pirate Russell: Though really, if you’re taking your cues on relationship from Disney movies and romantic comedies, there’s probably little that I or anyone else can do.
[2009/02/24 9:20] Pirate Russell: ~Find a way to build a friendship with that person that honors and respects that love without trying to turn it into something unsustainable and you’ll do okay. And as a corollary:
[2009/02/24 9:21] Pirate Russell: Being in love with someone doesn’t mean you HAVE to be in a relationship with that person.
[2009/02/24 9:21] Pirate Russell: Seriously. You have a choice. You can love someone, and acknowledge that love, and still choose not to be romantically involved with that person.
[2009/02/24 9:21] Pirate Russell: That’s one of the cool things about being a human being You get to choose.
[2009/02/24 9:21] Pirate Russell: You can’t have intimacy without sharing. If you spend your time hiding things from your partner, or worrying about whether or not you can share something with your partner, you’re not going to have an intimate relationship.
[2009/02/24 9:22] Pirate Russell: Everything you conceal from your partner undermines the foundation of intimacy upon which relationships are built.
[2009/02/24 9:22] Pirate Russell: No, that doesn’t mean telling your partner every time you take a dump (and why is it that folks who don’t cotton to sharing and openness always reach for that example?).
[2009/02/24 9:22] ***IM*** giggles
[2009/02/24 9:22] Pirate Russell: But it does mean sharing everything that’s important, significant, or meaningful. Even if it’s uncomfortable.
[2009/02/24 9:22] Pirate Russell: Especially if it’s uncomfortable, because the fact that it’s uncomfortable probably means there’s something important lurking in there. Communication ain’t for sissies.
[2009/02/24 9:23] Pirate Russell: What you get out depends on what you put in. Approach every new partner with fear and suspicion, and you’ll have fearful, suspicious partners.
[2009/02/24 9:23] Pirate Russell: Te best way to have a friend is to be a friend.
[2009/02/24 9:24] Pirate Russell: The best way to have people around you who have compassion and integrity is to be a person with compassion and integrity.
[2009/02/24 9:24] Pirate Russell: The best way to fill your life with suck and fail is to fill other people’s lives with suck and fail.
[2009/02/24 9:24] Pirate Russell: You know that saying “opposites attract”? It’s rubbish. Honest people look for, and attract, other honest people.
[2009/02/24 9:24] Pirate Russell: ~A person who has cheated on someone else to be with you cannot be trusted not to cheat on you to be with someone else.
[2009/02/24 9:24] Pirate Russell: No, you’re not different.
[2009/02/24 9:24] Pirate Russell: You’re not a rare and unique flower, so totally set apart from that shrill, obnoxious harpy that he’s with right now.
[2009/02/24 9:25] Pirate Russell: You know how he tells you that you’re so much better than that monster he’s hooked up with?
[2009/02/24 9:25] Pirate Russell: I bet he says the same thing about you to the other person he’s shagging. You know, the one that neither you nor his other partner knows about.
[2009/02/24 9:25] Pirate Russell: ~Be wary of a person who trashes all their exes in front of you, for someday you’ll likely be on that list yourself.
[2009/02/24 9:25] Pirate Russell: You know that person with the long list of former partners, all of whom were shrill, obnoxious harpies?
[2009/02/24 9:26] Pirate Russell: Does something seem odd about that list to you?
[2009/02/24 9:26] Pirate Russell: Best case scenario, it means he keeps getting involved with the same sorts of people again and again, and doesn’t learn anything from any of those experiences.
[2009/02/24 9:26] Pirate Russell: What do you reckon that says about you?
[2009/02/24 9:26] Pirate Russell: Worst case scenario, it’s a clear sign of someone who doesn’t take responsibility for his own part in all those past train wrecks.
[2009/02/24 9:26] Pirate Russell: Which means he ain’t learning from any of them. Which means…you’re the next train wreck.
[2009/02/24 9:26] ***AS***: or your an obnoxious harpie too :)
[2009/02/24 9:26] Pirate Russell: What do you suppose he’ll say about you to the train wreck that follows after you?
[2009/02/24 9:27] Pirate Russell: ~Tell the truth from the start, and you won’t have to worry about any nasty revelations down the road.
[2009/02/24 9:27] Pirate Russell: Especially about things you worry might scare her off. Seriously, if the truth about you makes you incompatible as a romantic partner, you want to scare her off.
[2009/02/24 9:27] Pirate Russell: You’re bisexual but your new love interest hates gays?
[2009/02/24 9:27] Pirate Russell: You fancy country music and your partner would rather die than listen to it?
[2009/02/24 9:27] Pirate Russell: Hiding those things doesn’t help your cause; it merely makes the blowup that much more dramatic when the truth comes out.
[2009/02/24 9:28] Pirate Russell: Which it will, eventually.
[2009/02/24 9:28] Pirate Russell: ~Be honest, be true to who you are, and you won’t have to worry about what happens if you slip up.
[2009/02/24 9:28] Pirate Russell: On the other hand, make yourself seem like something you’re not, even if it’s to make yourself seem more attractive to the other person
[2009/02/24 9:28] Pirate Russell: (hell, especially if it’s to make yourself seem more attractive to the other person!) is going to end badly, sooner or later. I promise.
[2009/02/24 9:28] Pirate Russell: Citation: http://tacit.livejournal.com/280915.html?view=3415123
[2009/02/24 9:29] Pirate Russell: All transcripts can be found at http://collegeofkink.blogspot.com
[2009/02/24 9:29] Pirate Russell: College of Kink classes are always posted in "Search" go to Events and type in the word College
[2009/02/24 9:29] Pirate Russell: Questions? Comments???
[2009/02/24 9:29] Pirate Russell: SpeakEasy HUD detaching...
[2009/02/24 9:30] ***AS***: so who do you know early on if your date is telling the truth?
[2009/02/24 9:30] ***PM***: damn! that was fast!
[2009/02/24 9:30] ***KC***: it's always important to have communication in the relationship for it to work to right Miss
[2009/02/24 9:31] ***PM***: lies are communication, if I'm getting your meaning.
[2009/02/24 9:31] ***AS***: yes, they are
[2009/02/24 9:31] ***KC***: then let girl say honest communication
[2009/02/24 9:31] ***PM***: honest and open communication is what a always talk about.
[2009/02/24 9:31] Pirate Russell: Yes, from the start, even in a one night stand, you have to find out what he/she likes or won't do, and you need to put your dsires and limits out there
[2009/02/24 9:32] Pirate Russell: And how to know??? you can't at first, unless they're a LOUSY liar
[2009/02/24 9:32] Pirate Russell watches actions, not words
[2009/02/24 9:32] ***IM*** nods
[2009/02/24 9:32] Pirate Russell: Be open and "trusting" at the start, and if you see the "suck and fail" seeping in, and it's not you..... welll.....
[2009/02/24 9:33] Pirate Russell: Like President Reagan said..... "Trust but Verify." You can only verify by watching, and maybe if you have common friends....
[2009/02/24 9:34] ***IM***: Or ask the waitress.
[2009/02/24 9:34] Pirate Russell: he he
[2009/02/24 9:34] stephanies Avro lol
[2009/02/24 9:34] ***IM***: girl thinks that first one, asking for what one wants, is so very inportant, especially in second life where subtle things like body language can't be used to communicate.
[2009/02/24 9:35] Pirate Russell: VERY true, but that goes back to the actions over words (almost typed "swords", he he)
[2009/02/24 9:35] ***AS***: I totally agree ***IM***
[2009/02/24 9:35] ***KC***: so does girl
[2009/02/24 9:36] Pirate Russell: Yes, I'm RARELY a successful psychic in RL with Hubby I've lived with for going on 10 yrs, I SURE don't know what someone across the world wants, by telepathy!
[2009/02/24 9:37] Pirate Russell: Even in RL, up close and personal, I can't be mad if someone doesn't know I want a popcicle, if I don't ask for one!
[2009/02/24 9:37] Pirate Russell: er if someone doesn't GIVE Me one, if..."
[2009/02/24 9:38] ***AS***: btw, it is not a cross-gender thing. Even if your partner is the same sex you still don't think alike
[2009/02/24 9:38] Pirate Russell: If ***IM*** doesn't tell Me she wants a spanking, how do I know to give her one? and it goes the other way, too!
[2009/02/24 9:39] ***IM*** nods
[2009/02/24 9:39] Pirate Russell: If she has a limit about pigmy goats, and doesn't tell Me, and I bring one home.... NOT MY FAULT!
[2009/02/24 9:39] ***IM*** starts to worry.
[2009/02/24 9:39] Pirate Russell: Don't worry, it's not that baaaaaaaaaaad!
[2009/02/24 9:39] ***IM*** laughs
[2009/02/24 9:40] Pirate Russell: LOL
[2009/02/24 9:40] ***KC*** gigles
[2009/02/24 9:40] Pirate Russell: But the point is, it's not fair to be hurt, if your partner doesn't know what hurts you!
[2009/02/24 9:40] Pirate Russell: Or ifyour partner doesn't know what you want!
[2009/02/24 9:42] ***IM***: The "C" word just keeps coming back as essential, doesn't it?
[2009/02/24 9:42] ***KC*** nods
[2009/02/24 9:42] Pirate Russell: Carnality?
[2009/02/24 9:43] Pirate Russell: LOL
[2009/02/24 9:43] ***IM*** smiles
[2009/02/24 9:43] Pirate Russell: Especially when all we really have is this line of text, right here.... you HAVE to ask what for what you want!
[2009/02/24 9:43] Pirate Russell: And tell your partner whatyou don't like and/or won't do...
[2009/02/24 9:44] Pirate Russell: in RL, clenching of your butt muscles can say "No effing way, that's not going in there!" In SL, or Yahoo Instan Messenger, etc, ya GOTTA SAY IT!
[2009/02/24 9:45] Pirate Russell: And for pitty sake, when someone says it... listen and act on it!
[2009/02/24 9:46] Pirate Russell: Any more questions??? Comments???? girls that wanna strip?
[2009/02/24 9:46] ***KC*** giggles
[2009/02/24 9:46] ***AS***: why just limit it to girls wanting to strip?
[2009/02/24 9:46] ***IM***: It makes sense then not to assume things about someone if they don't say it.
[2009/02/24 9:46] stephanies Avro he he
[2009/02/24 9:46] ***IM*** giggles
[2009/02/24 9:46] Pirate Russell: Because I'm the Headmistress, and I LIKE bewbies more than peniseseseseseses
[2009/02/24 9:46] Pirate Russell: LOL
[2009/02/24 9:47] ***AS*** giggles
[2009/02/24 9:47] Pirate Russell: Going once.....
[2009/02/24 9:47] Pirate Russell: ...............................Going twice.......
[2009/02/24 9:47] Pirate Russell: .............................................................................................DON"T STEP IN IT!
[2009/02/24 9:48] Pirate Russell: Class Dismissed, thanks y'all for coming and participating

Jealousy - 2/20/09

[2009/02/20 9:13] Pirate Russell: Ok, please take all cross talk to IM, and all collar, etc commands to the secondary channels!
[2009/02/20 9:13] Pirate Russell: Welcome to House of V's College of Kink! As most of y'all know, My name is Pirate Russell, Head Mistress of the College, and today's instructor. I have been in SL for 3 years, a lesbian Domme, the entire time.
[2009/02/20 9:14] Pirate Russell: For any that need to leave early, all transcripts can be found at http://collegeofkink.blogspot.com
[2009/02/20 9:14] Pirate Russell: ((EVENTUALLY, he he))
[2009/02/20 9:14] Pirate Russell: DISCLAIMER: I have no training or schooling in Psychology,Psychiatry, or Counseling of ANY kind! All of My observations are from My real life and what I've found on the web
[2009/02/20 9:14] Pirate Russell: If you are having problems dealing with Jealousy, PLEASE PLEASE contact a competent professional!
[2009/02/20 9:14] Pirate Russell: Jealousy typically refers to the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that occur when a person believes a valued relationship is being threatened by a rival.
[2009/02/20 9:15] Pirate Russell: Dr. Jennifer James, author of "Women and the Blues: Passions That Hurt, Passions That Heal", wrote:
[2009/02/20 9:15] Pirate Russell: "Jealousy is simply and clearly the fear that you do not have value. Jealousy scans for evidence to prove the point - that others will be preferred and rewarded more than you.
[2009/02/20 9:15] Pirate Russell: There is only one alternative - self-value. If you cannot love yourself, you will not believe that you are loved. You will always think it's a mistake or luck.
[2009/02/20 9:15] Pirate Russell: Take your eyes off others and turn the scanner within. Find the seeds of your jealousy, clear the old voices and experiences."
[2009/02/20 9:16] Pirate Russell: Jealousy is an emotion that can be very damaging to ANY relationship. It can also prevent you from growing emotionally.
[2009/02/20 9:16] Pirate Russell: It is not the same thing as envy. Jealousy wants what someone else has. Envy is when you don't want someone else to have what you don't have.
[2009/02/20 9:16] Pirate Russell: If a person is jealous, they already have what is desired but they are afraid of losing it.
[2009/02/20 9:16] Pirate Russell: When you are feeling jealous, you are undergoing an emotional combination of anger, dependency, hurt, and self doubt. When you spend time focusing on what you are not, this is a result of insecurity.
[2009/02/20 9:17] Pirate Russell: Sometimes when we are afraid of losing something, we actually cause it to happen because of our actions and behaviors.
[2009/02/20 9:17] Pirate Russell: All our thoughts and actions are centered around our fears and insecurities. This causes more fear and insecurity. These feelings cause other harmful feelings and may result in us indulging in self pity.
[2009/02/20 9:18] Pirate Russell: What are some ways of dealing with jealousy?
[2009/02/20 9:18] Pirate Russell: * Develop independence. We need to be sure we are not overly dependant on any one person. We need to focus on the good things we have and not on what we don't have.
[2009/02/20 9:18] Pirate Russell: * Focus on developing more confidence and attractiveness. Sometimes something simple like getting our hair done or changing our style of clothing can help.
[2009/02/20 9:18] Pirate Russell: Taking a course on self esteem or assertiveness is also beneficial.
[2009/02/20 9:18] Pirate Russell: * Be honest with yourself. Sit down with paper and list things that are making you jealous. Look at it objectively. Are these things silly or trivial or are they really important?
[2009/02/20 9:19] Pirate Russell: * Communicate with the person who is the object of your jealousy. Tell them your feelings. Is that person doing something that is causing you to be jealous? Letting them know can often help the problem.
[2009/02/20 9:19] Pirate Russell: If this other person cares for you, they will work on changing the behavior that is adding to your jealousy. Being aware of your feelings can also help you cope better.
[2009/02/20 9:19] Pirate Russell: Realize that jealousy shows your lack of self esteem and uncertainty of your own worth. Work on taking a really good self evaluation.
[2009/02/20 9:20] Pirate Russell: This experience can be a wonderful learning opportunity for you. Work on communication with other people. Work on developing confidence.
[2009/02/20 9:20] Pirate Russell: * Study your rival. Look closely at the person you are jealous about. What do you like and dislike about the person? Are his or her qualities beyond your abilities? Be sure you are not being unrealistic about that person. Are you seeing things as they
[2009/02/20 9:20] Pirate Russell: Take control of your feelings. Terminate the relationship if nothing else seems to work. Take the time to concentrate on your own growth. Work at trying to understand and improve your relationship.
[2009/02/20 9:21] Pirate Russell: * Do not overreact. Remember, most incidents are temporary so don't magnify what happened.
[2009/02/20 9:21] Pirate Russell: Serious jealousy stems from a fear of loss, reputation, control of ourselves, our spouses, or relationships. Losing control of our emotions and feelings will only make things worse.
[2009/02/20 9:21] Pirate Russell: Bad reactions to Jealousy can even cause legal problems. I spent almoust 7 years as a Public Safety Telecommunications Officer (Big words for 911 Dispatcher).
[2009/02/20 9:22] Pirate Russell: Not one shift went by where I didn't deal with a seriuos domestic problem. Most, I'd wager, stemmed from jealousy. How many of us have read this in or local or national news media, "If I can't have him/her, then nobody can!" I've know that many people
[2009/02/20 9:22] Pirate Russell: I, for one, don't want to be someplace I'm not wanted. That's not fun for Me!
[2009/02/20 9:22] Pirate Russell: Likewise, I dont' force anyone, particularly My submissives to be with Me if they're not having fun.
[2009/02/20 9:22] Pirate Russell: This is part of My Primary rule, that real life comes first, if you're not having fun, let's go do something that is, together or apart!
[2009/02/20 9:23] Pirate Russell: I do get jealous sometimes. My girls have significant others with whom they spend time. I INSIST that they do! One has a fiancee, one a girl friend, and another a girl of her own.
[2009/02/20 9:23] Pirate Russell: I miss them when they're not around, I am envious of the time they spend away, but I want them to have fun.
[2009/02/20 9:23] Pirate Russell: Knowing they're having fun makes it all ok for Me. I want My girls, My friends, My acquaintences, and even most of My enemies to have fun.
[2009/02/20 9:24] Pirate Russell: By having other friends, they've places to go have fun when I'm alone with one of the other girls. Even when I'm alone with one, I envy the time that the others spend away.
[2009/02/20 9:24] Pirate Russell: I'm going to close today with one of My very favorite quotes on the subject, by Robert A Heinlein,
[2009/02/20 9:24] Pirate Russell: "Love" is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
[2009/02/20 9:24] Astryl Bing is Online
[2009/02/20 9:24] Pirate Russell: Jealousy is a disease, love is a healthy condition. The immature mind often mistakes one for the other, or assumes that the greater the love, the greater the jealousy."
[2009/02/20 9:25] Pirate Russell: Citations:
[2009/02/20 9:25] Pirate Russell: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jealousy
[2009/02/20 9:25] Pirate Russell: http://www.allaboutlifechallenges.org/dealing-with-jealousy-faq.htm
[2009/02/20 9:25] Pirate Russell: http://www.todays-woman.net/quoteid-2304.html
[2009/02/20 9:25] Pirate Russell: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/r/robert_a_heinlein.html
[2009/02/20 9:25] Pirate Russell: Questions???? Comments?
[2009/02/20 9:26] ***KC***: can over coming jealousy in a relationship strengthen the relationship
[2009/02/20 9:26] ***AS***: thank you, Miss Pirate
[2009/02/20 9:26] Pirate Russell guesses Eve has no questions... he he
[2009/02/20 9:27] Pirate Russell: I think that is one ofthe best ways to strengthen one, ***KC***, look at what you learn when you overcome it
[2009/02/20 9:27] ***AG***: that's a lot to think about, ty
[2009/02/20 9:27] ***MG***: Yes, it really is a lot of helpful information. ty
[2009/02/20 9:27] ***AS***: Many dominates in sl insist they are the only person you play with, but they can have as many subs as they like..... that tends to lead to jealous.....
[2009/02/20 9:27] Pirate Russell: Right behind Communication (SHAMELESS plug for next week's class) overcoming jealousy can help a relationship
[2009/02/20 9:28] ***MG***: how do you suggest we cope with feelings of jealousy?
[2009/02/20 9:28] Pirate Russell: You learn that you have worth.. .that your..... other values you.....
[2009/02/20 9:28] ***MG***: at those times, it's difficult to summon up thoughts of self-worth.. the jealousy is just all consuming.
[2009/02/20 9:28] Pirate Russell: The way I do it, is KNOWING ***IM*** is having fun with her fiancee. Loving her means that I want her hapy
[2009/02/20 9:29] ***KC***: girl is learning to be more secure in her relationship and by doing that is less jealous
[2009/02/20 9:29] Pirate Russell: Can't be both Jealous and secure.
[2009/02/20 9:29] Pirate Russell: I also know that if I summon ***IM***, no matter what she's doing, or with who, she will come
[2009/02/20 9:29] ***MG***: yes, that's true..
[2009/02/20 9:30] Pirate Russell: I can make her, thankyou, RLV, but she WOULD come
[2009/02/20 9:30] ***IM*** giggles
[2009/02/20 9:30] ***SL*** listening with a bit of pleasure. Nodding.
[2009/02/20 9:30] Pirate Russell: Same with any of My other girls
[2009/02/20 9:30] ***KC*** smiles knowingly at sis
[2009/02/20 9:31] ***AG***: i dont mean to sound argumentative, but isnt making her come to you when you want undervaluing her worth?
[2009/02/20 9:31] Pirate Russell: ***MG***, did that answer your question?
[2009/02/20 9:32] ***SL***: It is also a childs tool I see used a lot by the unsecure.
[2009/02/20 9:32] ***MG***: yes, thank you. i suppose it is a long drawn process.. coping won't come overnight.
[2009/02/20 9:33] Pirate Russell: Yes, it is not a simple process.... first working on self worth is NEVER easy, when you have little.. he he
[2009/02/20 9:33] Pirate Russell: Second, it's hard to see that you already have what you want. Most people have envy and think it's jealousy
[2009/02/20 9:34] ***MG***: what about possessiveness?
[2009/02/20 9:35] Pirate Russell: Possessivness is a tool of jealousy. If I was worried about losing ***IM*** (and at that point, I prolly would have) I could be possessive, and 'restrict' her to Me.
[2009/02/20 9:35] Pirate Russell: That would lead to resentment, and over time, an ending of the relationship
[2009/02/20 9:35] ***AS***: of course peeing on you ex's toothbrush is very theraputic too :)
[2009/02/20 9:35] ***MG***: lol
[2009/02/20 9:35] ***AG***: eeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwww
[2009/02/20 9:36] ***IM***: Hahahaha
[2009/02/20 9:36] Pirate Russell: Like grabbing a handful of sand, grab it, it slips thru your fingers, cup the sand, and you keep much more if it
[2009/02/20 9:36] Pirate Russell: Not unless she LIKED it!
[2009/02/20 9:36] ***AS***: btw, I have never done that
[2009/02/20 9:36] ***MG*** giggles
[2009/02/20 9:36] Pirate Russell: And, ***AG***, Imissed your question.
[2009/02/20 9:37] Pirate Russell: Yes, MAKING her come to Me, is like that grabbing at the sand, she will slip thru My fingers
[2009/02/20 9:37] Pirate Russell: Sorry
[2009/02/20 9:37] ***AG***: guess i have another now: so if a relationship is secure, both partners will be comfortable allowing each other the same freedoms??
[2009/02/20 9:37] ***MG***: and cupping the sand symbolizes support?
[2009/02/20 9:38] Pirate Russell: Yes, and handling things more gently,
[2009/02/20 9:39] Pirate Russell: Well, ***AG***, that depends on the relationship, any relationship, D/s or Vanilla, is as different as the people, and farm animals, that are in it
[2009/02/20 9:40] Pirate Russell: If y'all have decided that seeing others is your cup o' tea, then yes, not every relationship is an 'open one', or a polyamorus one.
[2009/02/20 9:40] Pirate Russell: My RL hubby and I have a GREAT relationship. We have total trust, he "lets" Me have My relationships here.
[2009/02/20 9:40] ***AG***: but having that agreement btw partners would be the impt thing
[2009/02/20 9:40] Pirate Russell: But in RL it's Him and Me agaisnt the world.
[2009/02/20 9:41] Pirate Russell: Yes, agreements are what relatinships are. what is a business relationship. I use your business to guild My widgets..... an agreement
[2009/02/20 9:42] Pirate Russell: what's a marriage, you stand up in front of a judge/clergyman and agree to "love honor and obey"
[2009/02/20 9:44] Pirate Russell: Anyother questions, comments, girls that want to strip?
[2009/02/20 9:44] ***MG***: lol
[2009/02/20 9:44] ***SL***: Thanks Pirate.
[2009/02/20 9:44] ***KC*** giggles
[2009/02/20 9:45] ***AG***: thank you
[2009/02/20 9:45] ***AS***: thanks for the talk Pirate
[2009/02/20 9:45] ***AS*** claps
[2009/02/20 9:45] Pirate Russell: it is My pleasure y'all, and before you think about tipping, if you're inclined, please go to West of Ireland and donate to Project Children
[2009/02/20 9:45] ***IM*** smiles and nods
[2009/02/20 9:45] ***MG***: thanks Pirate
[2009/02/20 9:46] ***AG***: i will do that.......... :o)
[2009/02/20 9:46] Pirate Russell: Thanks to Y/y'all for coming
[2009/02/20 9:46] ***SL*** nodding "Good plan...... pleasures path all."
[2009/02/20 9:46] ***KC***: thanks Miss Pirate for another great discussion
[2009/02/20 9:47] Pirate Russell has a brand new one next week, communication, ***IM*** ill tell Y/y'all it's a good 'n!
[2009/02/20 9:47] ***KC*** nods
[2009/02/20 9:47] ***MG***: will try to be there
[2009/02/20 9:47] ***MG***: thanks a lot and see ya
[2009/02/20 9:48] Pirate Russell: oh, uh.... class dismissed! LOL
[2009/02/20 9:48] ***AS***: yey
[2009/02/20 9:53] Pirate Russell sends ***IM*** hme... he he
[2009/02/20 9:53] ***IM***: Bye
[2009/02/20 9:53] ***KC***: goodbye sis

BDSM Q&A - 2/17/09

[0:37] Srilania Svoboda: As you know, I am the Newd teacher, Srilania Svoboda. I've been in Second life 7 months now, and been in the RL BDSM world for almost 20 years
[0:38] Srilania Svoboda: Today, instead of picking a topic, I decided you all might have questions you need answered
[0:38] Srilania Svoboda: So today, we are doing Straight Up: A Question and Answer session about BDSM
[0:39] Srilania Svoboda: Feel free to speak up with a question, or if you're shy, IM it to me and I'll discuss it in class
[0:39] ***SJ***: Can I ask a question Miss?
[0:39] Srilania Svoboda: Of course
[0:39] ***SJ***: If a sub dont like some things her Master does, can she say no Miss?
[0:40] ***SJ***: and I mean with her Miss
[0:40] Srilania Svoboda: Good question. Yes, you can say NO. Most Safe, Sane, and Consentual relationships have safewords and lists of hard limits for a reason
[0:41] Srilania Svoboda: If you feel something your Do***mL***nt is doing violates your hard limits, or REALLY makes you uncomfortable, you have the right to call your safeword and stop play
[0:42] ***IM***: There may be a price for saying no though. Up to and including ending the relationship depending on the Master.
[0:42] Srilania Svoboda: Yes, but it also depands on what you are saying no to
[0:42] ***SJ***: Im a new sub Miss, so what safe word can I use Miss?
[0:43] Srilania Svoboda: Ok, those things are best worked out between Do***mL***nt and submissive, so both parties know what they are
[0:43] Srilania Svoboda: My personal red safeword is MAYDAY
[0:43] ***PS***: Hello ***MD***
[0:43] ***MD*** smiles. "Hello"
[0:44] ***TE***: may I add that a Master telling you to leave cause you use your safe word ...... hm he needs to acept limits ...
[0:44] ***IM***: At CARP, the standard safeword is "SAFEWORD"
[0:44] ***TE***: just my personal opinion
[0:44] ***IM*** nods to Sir ***TE***
[0:45] ***MD***: If you have an honest and true D/s relationship, you shouldn't have to use it IMO
[0:45] ***TE***: true
[0:45] ***MD***: However, I agree with the importance of having one
[0:45] ***MK***: anything should be able to be discussed, with out having to call a safeword.
[0:45] ***IM***: Unless there's an emergency, like your arm is dislocated and you need to stop.
[0:45] Srilania Svoboda: Well, there is the inverse of that too Tom. OVERUSE of a safeword, such as safewording just because you don't want to do something, even though you don't find it a hard limit or even objectionable, can cause a Do***mL***nt to decide to uncollar their submissive.
[0:46] ***MD***: The word loses its worth
[0:46] ***PS***: But, in a honest and true D/S relationship, the phrase would not get abused
[0:46] Srilania Svoboda: ***MD***, EVERY BDSM relationship should have a safeword. I've seen REAL LIFE incidents where someone got hurt, but without a safeword, would have had no way to inform their partner
[0:47] ***MD***: That is exactly my point. However, I was with someone that once got so caught up in what we were doing I nearly had to ue it.
[0:47] Srilania Svoboda: Even a so called "no limits" relationship needs them, as you can accidentally have a problem and need to have an emergency stop
[0:47] ***MD***: So I can see how the passion of things can bring purpose to the word.
[0:48] ***IM***: girl is curious. How many people here have had to use a safeword?
[0:48] Srilania Svoboda: I have
[0:48] ***PS***: Allways be Prepared
[0:48] ***MK*** raises her hand "i have"
[0:48] ***SJ***: I havent
[0:48] ***MD***: I have never used it, but I did witness a circumstance when someone did.
[0:49] Srilania Svoboda: Next question?
[0:49] ***IM***: girl has never used one, but has spoken OOC about things.
[0:49] ***IM***: People always seen to be concerned about the difference between a sub and slave. Could You think of any differences You think are important?
[0:50] ***MD***: In sl no one is a true slave.... outside of RP. Everyone is a willing participant
[0:50] Srilania Svoboda: Well, some people think a slave is a no limits submissive to do with as they please. Sadly, they are taking the surface image and not exploring the true nature of it
[0:50] ***MD***: But the rping experience is quite thrilling.
[0:50] Srilania Svoboda: Incorrect. The easiest way to define the difference between submissiv and slave is pretty easy
[0:51] Srilania Svoboda: A submissive's primary source of pleasure in a BDSM relationship is what is done to them and with them
[0:51] ***MD***: Oh I whole heartedly disagree.
[0:52] ***MD***: I think each submissives experience is different
[0:52] Srilania Svoboda: A SLAVE, on the other hand, gets their primary source of pleasure from pleasing another, and having that service appreciated and recognized
[0:53] ***MD***: S I would be a slave because my primary source of pleasure is pleasing the man I love. That I will do whatever he asks of me, within my hard limits, without question.
[0:53] ***MD***: Because I know he has his reasons.
[0:53] Srilania Svoboda: Now, this isn't to say that a submissive doesn't enjoy serving and getting it recognized, nor does it mean a slave doesn't like that 11 inch dildo you just used on their ass
[0:54] ***IM*** nods
[0:54] Srilania Svoboda: But their PRIMARY sources of pleasure are different
[0:54] ***MD***: I still don't believe I agree. My primary source of pleasure is pleasing Him.
[0:54] ***MD***: Period.
[0:55] Srilania Svoboda: But, because so many look upon the surface appearances, they think of a slave as a wet dishrag, unable to say no
[0:55] Srilania Svoboda: But, I can tell you as I was a slave for my first 15 years, there's a lot more to it than Domabes make it out to be
[0:57] Srilania Svoboda: Sorry, Domabes are my pet name for the Stand and Model crowd, the wannabe Do***mL***nts that think because they watched a few BDSM pornos they are a master or Mistress
[0:58] ***IM*** giggles
[0:58] ***PS*** Susa smiles
[0:58] ***TE***: smiles
[0:58] Srilania Svoboda: Next question?
[0:58] ***MD***: What constitutes abuse in a D/s relationship?
[0:58] Srilania Svoboda: Well, that is quite a good, and important question
[0:59] Srilania Svoboda: We all hear "BDSM IS NOT ABUSE, ABUSE IS NOT BDSM"
[0:59] Srilania Svoboda: While BDSM has some violent practices, it is not considered abuse because of CONSENT
[0:59] ***MD***: I just womder sometimes, when someone is so sadistic and yet their submissive is just as extreme of a masochist. The sub uses the dom to inflick pair that otherwise would be perceived as abuse
[1:00] ***MD***: Especially when two sick people are paired.
[1:00] Srilania Svoboda: Well, say I went to ***PS*** here and layed into her with a flogger
[1:01] ***MD***: Welcome back ***mL***.
[1:01] Srilania Svoboda: Because she is my slave, and we have a relationship, we have COMMUNICATION, and are able to have a CONSENTUAL session
[1:01] ***PS***: nods
[1:01] ***IM***: girl thinks there could still be a point where consentual activity is abuse. Such as where someone actually wanted to be tortured or mutilated.
[1:01] ***mL*** smiles ...thank You Miss ***MD***
[1:02] Srilania Svoboda: But say I grabbed up my flogger and started whipping the bejesus out of Tom here
[1:02] ***TE***: ll
[1:02] ***TE***: o
[1:02] Srilania Svoboda: He and I have NO communication, no relationship, therefore NO CONSENT
[1:03] Srilania Svoboda: But, when does a BDSM practice become abuse?
[1:03] ***MD***: I agree, there is a point when both people involved have unhealthy habits.
[1:04] Srilania Svoboda: Aye, but just because a Do***mL***nt and submissive have an unhealthy habit, it's not considered abuse UNTIL CONSENT IS REMOVED
[1:04] Srilania Svoboda: Say i was whipping ***PS*** here, and she called her safeword
[1:04] ***TE***: the line of abuse can only be drawn between the two in the realtion ship .... a lot of thinks would be cauled abuse by my neighbours
[1:04] ***TE***: but still
[1:04] ***TE***: smiles
[1:04] Srilania Svoboda: Safeword=REMOVAL of CONSENT
[1:04] ***MD***: Then what would you define an unhealthy, unacceptable habit between two consenting adults. When should an outsider step in...
[1:05] ***MD***: Like extreme blood play, or suffocation
[1:05] Srilania Svoboda: When those practices become life threatening
[1:06] Srilania Svoboda: Or they talk about wanting to try something that is life threatening
[1:06] ***IM***: There are situations when legal consent cannot be given, even if wanted.
[1:06] Srilania Svoboda: Mind you, there is an acronym for this
[1:07] Srilania Svoboda: RACK
[1:07] ***IM*** nods
[1:07] Srilania Svoboda: Risk Aware Consentual Kink
[1:07] ***PS*** Susa nods
[1:08] Srilania Svoboda: As someone into both bloodplay and breathplay, I have studied and learned relatively safe methods to practice this. But even light bondage carries risks
[1:08] ***MD***: Excue me, I have to be going.
[1:09] ***PS***: thanks for coming ***MD***
[1:09] Srilania Svoboda: next question?
[1:09] ***mL***: mlrelease
[1:10] ***TE***: i might to ask somthing
[1:10] Srilania Svoboda: Ask away
[1:10] ***TE***: a friend of mine is a rl slave
[1:10] Srilania Svoboda: Ok
[1:10] ***TE***: and i am worried about here cause
[1:10] ***TE***: she seves and did not get the apriation that she wish
[1:11] ***TE***: it tears at here
[1:11] ***TE***: and is strugaling all times that she things she is just failing cause she is a bad slave
[1:11] ***TE***: but i cant help
[1:11] Srilania Svoboda: Ok. If I understand you correctly, she is in a RL slave relationship, but feels she is not getting the attention or appreciation she deserves?
[1:12] ***TE***: i once did the mistake to tell here to leave
[1:12] ***TE***: yes
[1:12] Srilania Svoboda: Oh, there's several steps before thinking about leaving comes into play
[1:12] Srilania Svoboda: the biggest thing?
[1:12] Srilania Svoboda: it's a hard word
[1:12] Srilania Svoboda: Communication
[1:13] Srilania Svoboda: If she feels she is not getting what she needs from her relationship, no matter if it is real life, second life, or texting on IRC
[1:13] ***TE***: smiles yes but she refuses to comunicate
[1:13] Srilania Svoboda: she should TALK to her owner, and bring up her issues
[1:13] ***TE***: cause she just giv in and thinks that she would be allowed to
[1:14] Srilania Svoboda: And if she refuses to communicate, then sadly there's not a lot you can really do for her. That is a step she has to take
[1:15] ***TE***: smiles ... yes
[1:15] ***TE***: but hard to watch
[1:15] Srilania Svoboda: yes, there are times where no matter how much we want to step in and rescue someone
[1:15] ***IM***: It's bad enough when that happens in SL. girl has seen a lot of unhappiness because slaves won't talk to their Masters. girl has never seen it in RL, but talking to the Master and letting them know there is a problem has helped.
[1:15] Srilania Svoboda: the ONLY thing you can do is back away
[1:16] ***SJ***: I have to go now Miss, thank youvery much
[1:16] ***TE***: yes i noticed ... ty
[1:16] Srilania Svoboda: Thanks for comming ***SJ***
[1:16] ***PS***: thank you fro coming ***SJ***
[1:16] ***MK***: hai, domo arigato.
[1:16] Srilania Svoboda: More questions?
[1:18] ***PS***: What are your thoughs on safeword choice Aijin?
[1:18] Srilania Svoboda: Safewords should be words you don't use normally.
[1:19] Srilania Svoboda: because you don't want to end play because you were high in subspace and asked for they red scarf, and ended play
[1:19] Srilania Svoboda: the
[1:19] ***PS***: so, something that would stick out?
[1:20] ***MK***: and if the session, your in, would require the use of a certain word you've made yoru safe word?
[1:20] ***MK***: your*
[1:20] Srilania Svoboda: I have personally seen: Aardvark, Platypus, Mayday, Safeword, Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, Tortilla, Broccoli, and Pot Roast
[1:21] ***TE***: i like the mary poppens quote :)
[1:21] Srilania Svoboda: She was a Disney fan, so made that her red safeword
[1:21] ***PS***: So... Zork would work as a safeward
[1:21] ***PS*** Susa nods
[1:21] Srilania Svoboda: Zork would work
[1:22] ***PS***: spork,fork,bjork, orc!
[1:22] Srilania Svoboda: And if you happen to have had the UNFORTUNATE accident to have picked a safeword that will be needed during play, STOP PLAY IMMEDIATELY, and renegotiate a new safeword
[1:22] ***PS*** Susa nods
[1:23] Srilania Svoboda: One question IMed to me
[1:23] Srilania Svoboda: Does a BDSM relationship need a Punishment system.
[1:24] Srilania Svoboda: Well, as a whole, No, a BDSM relationship does not. Because Discipline is one part of BDSM, and not everyone practices all parts of it
[1:24] Srilania Svoboda: Some BDSMers just like bondage. Others are Sadists and Masochists.
[1:24] Srilania Svoboda: And some like the Discipline
[1:25] Srilania Svoboda: Bondage, Discipline, Sadism, Masochism
[1:25] ***MK***: what if you are all 4? how would you set up a discipline system for a masochist?
[1:25] ***MK***: i suppose that one joke comes to mind.
[1:25] Srilania Svoboda: The reason all these things are put into this lump is because OFTEN people practice more than one part, and often practice most of it
[1:26] ***PS*** Susa nods
[1:26] ***IM***: girl can't imagine anyone would like all forms of disipline. One may like a spanking but not going without dinner, for example.
[1:27] Srilania Svoboda: And setting up discipline? That's actually something extremely impossible for me to recommend without knowing the exact situation. Best bet is for a Do***mL***nt and a submissive to sit down, COMMUNICATE, and work things out
[1:28] Svetlana Qinan: Oop, I'm being called away. Thanks for tonight's talk Sri! :)
[1:28] Srilania Svoboda: But, the common thing is a punishment is usually something the submissve masochist finds distatesful, while still in their limits
[1:28] Srilania Svoboda: thanks for comming Svetlana
[1:28] Svetlana Qinan: :)
[1:28] ***PS***: :D
[1:29] Srilania Svoboda: Any further questions?
[1:29] ***TE***: not form me :)
[1:29] ***TE***: yet ...
[1:29] ***IM***: Thank You, Miss Sri.
[1:29] ***PS***: if a train bound for New Orleans leaves the station at 3pm...
[1:29] ***IM*** giggles
[1:30] ***MK***: i have one
[1:30] Srilania Svoboda: Ok
[1:31] ***MK***: in a RL or SL BDSM relationship. how would you deal with being apart of a great length of time,with the promiss to return? mainly if you are a Slave, who enjoys the praise you get, or being there to provide service.
[1:32] Srilania Svoboda: You mean such as the Do***mL***nt having to go on a trip, and unable to be there for a while?
[1:32] ***MK*** nods "hai"
[1:32] Srilania Svoboda: Usually the Do***mL***nt will either set up a system to keep in some kind of contact, OR will ask someone they trust to watch over their submissive while they are unable to be there
[1:33] Srilania Svoboda: Any other questions before i close it for this time?
[1:33] ***IM*** shakes her head
[1:34] ***PS***: nope
[1:34] Srilania Svoboda: Well, I'll do another of these sessions at 7am SLT on Thusday
[1:34] Srilania Svoboda: thank you for coming, and feel free to tip your teacher
[1:34] ***MK*** smiles
[1:34] ***TE***: smiles
[1:34] ***MK***: Domo arigato Aijin.
[1:35] ***TE***: ty for your time and help
[1:35] ***IM***: Thank You, Miss Sri.
[1:35] ***PS***: ty for comming Tom
[1:35] Srilania Svoboda: thank you both for coming
[1:35] Srilania Svoboda: Why thank you tom!
[1:35] ***TE***: smiles
[1:36] ***TE***: cause you got me a real help ful lession
[1:36] ***IM***: Now girl needs to go to sleep so she can make it to her Mistress' class, hehe.
[1:36] Srilania Svoboda: heehee
[1:36] ***MK***: heh, oyasumi nasai lbrew-san.
[1:36] ***PS***: okies
[1:36] ***MK*** bows humbly
[1:36] Srilania Svoboda: Sleep? What is that?
[1:36] ***PS***: thanks for coming ***IM***
[1:36] ***IM***: hehe.
[1:36] ***TE***: bye to you all
[1:36] ***IM***: Bye, Sir ***TE***
[1:36] ***MK***: be well ***TE***. domo arigato for coming
[1:37] ***PS*** gives ***IM*** a huge hug.
[1:37] ***IM***: mmmmmm
[1:37] ***TE***: smiles ty ;inakop Sun
[1:37] ***IM***: It's good to see you all again.
[1:37] ***PS***: see you later ***IM***, have a good sleep
[1:37] ***IM***: Thank you.
[1:37] Srilania Svoboda: Normally, i pick a topic each week. This time, i thought might be a good idea to open it up to whatever people feel they need
[1:38] ***PS***: they are helpful
[1:38] ***IM***: And all the class transcripts are on http://collegeofkink.blogspot.com
[1:38] Srilania Svoboda: Depending on how popular this turns out, i might just keep this new format
[1:38] ***IM***: And search for college to find them in SL Events.
[1:39] ***IM***: We're up to six a week now, right, Miss Sri?

Jealousy - 2/17/09

[2009/02/17 9:11] Pirate Russell: Welcome to House of V's College of Kink! As most of y'all know, My name is Pirate Russell, Head Mistress of the College, and today's instructor. I have been in SL for 3 years, a lesbian Domme, the entire time.
[2009/02/17 9:11] ***SS2*** gets ready to set sail
[2009/02/17 9:11] Pirate Russell: For any that need to leave early, all transcripts can be found at http://collegeofkink.blogspot.com
[2009/02/17 9:11] Pirate Russell: DISCLAIMER: I have no training or schooling in Psychology, Psichiatry, or Counseling of ANY kind! All of My observations are from My real life and what I've found on the web
[2009/02/17 9:12] Pirate Russell: Or apparently spelling, either!
[2009/02/17 9:12] Pirate Russell: If you are having problems dealing with Jealousy, PLEASE PLEASE contact a competent professional!
[2009/02/17 9:12] Pirate Russell: Jealousy typically refers to the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that occur when a person believes a valued relationship is being threatened by a rival.
[2009/02/17 9:12] Pirate Russell: Dr. Jennifer James, author of "Women and the Blues: Passions That Hurt, Passions That Heal", wrote:
[2009/02/17 9:13] Pirate Russell: "Jealousy is simply and clearly the fear that you do not have value. Jealousy scans for evidence to prove the point - that others will be preferred and rewarded more than you.
[2009/02/17 9:13] Pirate Russell: There is only one alternative - self-value. If you cannot love yourself, you will not believe that you are loved. You will always think it's a mistake or luck.
[2009/02/17 9:13] Pirate Russell: Take your eyes off others and turn the scanner within. Find the seeds of your jealousy, clear the old voices and experiences."
[2009/02/17 9:14] Pirate Russell: Jealousy is an emotion that can be very damaging to ANY relationship. It can also prevent you from growing emotionally.
[2009/02/17 9:14] Pirate Russell: It is not the same thing as envy. Jealousy wants what someone else has. Envy is when you don't want someone else to have what you don't have.
[2009/02/17 9:14] Pirate Russell: If a person is jealous, they already have what is desired but they are afraid of losing it.
[2009/02/17 9:15] Pirate Russell: When you are feeling jealous, you are undergoing an emotional combination of anger, dependency, hurt, and self doubt. When you spend time focusing on what you are not, this is a result of insecurity.
[2009/02/17 9:15] Pirate Russell: Sometimes when we are afraid of losing something, we actually cause it to happen because of our actions and behaviors.
[2009/02/17 9:15] pete Mahogany: and other times qwe give a fuck!!!
[2009/02/17 9:15] Pirate Russell: All our thoughts and actions are centered around our fears and insecurities. This causes more fear and insecurity. These feelings cause other harmful feelings and may result in us indulging in self pity.
[2009/02/17 9:16] Pirate Russell: What are some ways of dealing with jealousy?
[2009/02/17 9:16] Pirate Russell: * Develop independence. We need to be sure we are not overly dependant on any one person. We need to focus on the good things we have and not on what we don't have.
[2009/02/17 9:16] Pirate Russell: * Focus on developing more confidence and attractiveness. Sometimes something simple like getting our hair done or changing our style of clothing can help.
[2009/02/17 9:17] Pirate Russell: Taking a course on self esteem or assertiveness is also beneficial.
[2009/02/17 9:17] Pirate Russell: * Be honest with yourself. Sit down with paper and list things that are making you jealous. Look at it objectively. Are these things silly or trivial or are they really important?
[2009/02/17 9:17] Pirate Russell: * Communicate with the person who is the object of your jealousy. Tell them your feelings. Is that person doing something that is causing you to be jealous? Letting them know can often help the problem.
[2009/02/17 9:18] Pirate Russell: If this other person cares for you, they will work on changing the behavior that is adding to your jealousy. Being aware of your feelings can also help you cope better.
[2009/02/17 9:18] Pirate Russell: Realize that jealousy shows your lack of self esteem and uncertainty of your own worth. Work on taking a really good self evaluation.
[2009/02/17 9:18] Pirate Russell: This experience can be a wonderful learning opportunity for you. Work on communication with other people. Work on developing confidence.
[2009/02/17 9:19] Pirate Russell: * Study your rival. Look closely at the person you are jealous about. What do you like and dislike about the person? Are his or her qualities beyond your abilities? Be sure you are not being unrealistic about that person. Are you seeing things as they
[2009/02/17 9:19] Pirate Russell: Take control of your feelings. Terminate the relationship if nothing else seems to work. Take the time to concentrate on your own growth. Work at trying to understand and improve your relationship.
[2009/02/17 9:19] Pirate Russell: * Do not overreact. Remember, most incidents are temporary so don't magnify what happened.
[2009/02/17 9:20] Pirate Russell: Serious jealousy stems from a fear of loss, reputation, control of ourselves, our spouses, or relationships. Losing control of our emotions and feelings will only make things worse.
[2009/02/17 9:20] Pirate Russell: Bad reactions to Jealousy can even cause legal problems. I spent almoust 7 years as a Public Safety Telecommunications Officer (Big words for 911 Dispatcher).
[2009/02/17 9:20] Pirate Russell: Not one shift went by where I didn't deal with a seriuos domestic problem. Most, I'd wager, stemmed from jealousy. How many of us have read this in or local or national news media, "If I can't have him/her, then nobody can!" I've know that many people
[2009/02/17 9:20] Pirate Russell: I, for one, don't want to be someplace I'm not wanted. That's not fun for Me!
[2009/02/17 9:21] Pirate Russell: Likewise, I dont' force anyone, particularly My submissives to be with Me if they're not having fun.
[2009/02/17 9:21] Pirate Russell: This is part of My Primary rule, that real life comes first, if you're not having fun, let's go do something that is, together or apart!
[2009/02/17 9:21] Pirate Russell: I do get jealous sometimes. My girls have significant others with whom they spend time. I INSIST that they do! One has a boyfriend, one a girl friend, and another a girl of her own.
[2009/02/17 9:22] Pirate Russell: Whoopsie, make that fiancee, not boyfriend
[2009/02/17 9:22] ***IM*** smiles
[2009/02/17 9:22] Pirate Russell: I miss them when they're not around, I am envious of the time they spend away, but I want them to have fun.
[2009/02/17 9:22] Pirate Russell: Knowing they're having fun makes it all ok for Me. I want My girls, My friends, My acquaintences, and even most of My enemies to have fun.
[2009/02/17 9:22] Pirate Russell: By having other friends, they've places to go have fun when I'm alone with one of the other girls. Even when I'm alone with one, I envy the time that the others spend away.
[2009/02/17 9:22] Pirate Russell: I'm going to close today with one of My very favorite quotes on the subject, by Robert A Heinlein,
[2009/02/17 9:22] Pirate Russell: "Love" is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own... Jealousy is a disease, love is a healthy condition. The immature mind often mistakes one for the other, or assumes that the greater the love, the greater the jea
[2009/02/17 9:23] Pirate Russell: Citations:
[2009/02/17 9:23] Pirate Russell: er ...., the greater the jealousy"
[2009/02/17 9:23] Pirate Russell: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jealousy
[2009/02/17 9:23] Pirate Russell: http://www.allaboutlifechallenges.org/dealing-with-jealousy-faq.htm
[2009/02/17 9:23] Pirate Russell: http://www.todays-woman.net/quoteid-2304.html
[2009/02/17 9:23] Pirate Russell: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/r/robert_a_heinlein.html
[2009/02/17 9:23] Pirate Russell:
[2009/02/17 9:24] Pirate Russell: Questions???? Comments?
[2009/02/17 9:25] ***SS***: got to run, thanks Pirate
[2009/02/17 9:25] Pirate Russell: Welcome
[2009/02/17 9:26] ***IM***: Are there any ways to help others when they are jealous of you?
[2009/02/17 9:26] ***KC***: girl read somewhere that a little jealousy was good
[2009/02/17 9:26] ***KC***: is that right
[2009/02/17 9:27] Pirate Russell: Well, what I do is to is make sure that all My loves, and friends know that they are a valued part of My life
[2009/02/17 9:28] Pirate Russell: As for a little jealousy, I guess it can be good, but I don't like it
[2009/02/17 9:28] Pirate Russell: in My life
[2009/02/17 9:28] Pirate Russell: I much prefer to know that ***IM***'s having a helluva time with her fiancee
[2009/02/17 9:29] ***KC*** nods
[2009/02/17 9:30] Pirate Russell is SURE she and he are having a big time at My expense, anyway.... he he
[2009/02/17 9:30] ***KC*** giggles
[2009/02/17 9:31] ***IM*** groans
[2009/02/17 9:32] Pirate Russell: Any other questions? Comments?? Dirty Jokes???
[2009/02/17 9:33] ***NT***: What are some positive aspects of jealousy?
[2009/02/17 9:33] ***SS2*** doesnt know any dirty jokes
[2009/02/17 9:33] Pirate Russell: I'll answer the 2nd one first... ***SS2***, girl is a damn liar! LOL
[2009/02/17 9:33] ***SS2***: haha
[2009/02/17 9:33] ***SL***: sweet * innocent girls dont know dirty jokes
[2009/02/17 9:33] ***SB***: LOL
[2009/02/17 9:34] Pirate Russell: So tell us a good one, ***SL***!
[2009/02/17 9:34] ***SL*** giggles...if I knew I would Miss
[2009/02/17 9:34] ***SS2***: ooh Pirate!!
[2009/02/17 9:34] Pirate Russell: And yes, I guess there are some positive aspects, it can signal a need to look at your self esteme, to look at your releationship(s)..... a need to COMMUNICATE!
[2009/02/17 9:37] ***OW***: I do have a question if I may pose, I do not mean to garner any sense of offense, however, do some of the rules and insights you have shared with us, can they modified to an extent when concerning multiamorous relationships?
[2009/02/17 9:37] ***OW***: I only ask as it has become a prevalent experience in my journies to come across individuals who have multiple pets.
[2009/02/17 9:38] ***OW***: I, myself have none currently, however, I have always wondered about the ups as well as the plentiful downs of such an experience. If you could point me to an authority on the subject, I would be most grateful.
[2009/02/17 9:38] Pirate Russell: Well, I am polyamorous, and I have 4 active girls, and LOTS of subby friends
[2009/02/17 9:38] ***OW***: Certainly, I am listening.
[2009/02/17 9:39] ***KC*** grins
[2009/02/17 9:39] Pirate Russell has LOTS more ups, than downs, My girls are, or are becoming as sisters.. we *play* together.... and separately
[2009/02/17 9:40] Pirate Russell: As far as I know, they all understand that I have responsibilites with, and for, each of them.
[2009/02/17 9:40] ***OW***: I do realize those positives, yes. Part of the allure of multiamory in my estimate.
[2009/02/17 9:40] Pirate Russell: They each have other places to play, too, so they're not sitting around waiting for My summons, usuallly
[2009/02/17 9:40] ***OW***: Did you come to this current state by patience or did it happen of its own volition? Natural occurence?
[2009/02/17 9:40] ***SS2***: well I sorta know my limits and couldntbe in a polyamorous relationship as I know I would get jealous
[2009/02/17 9:41] ***SS2***: so I suppose you have to really think before you leap
[2009/02/17 9:41] ***SS2*** grins
[2009/02/17 9:41] Pirate Russell: A little of all 3, ***OW***, there has been some growing... some strestching.... even some whining and gnashing of teeth, but the bottom line is....
[2009/02/17 9:41] ***OW***: Oh, I most indubitously agree on that regard. Were I to not be around, I would want my pets to go about their existences when I am not available...but in my case, I would hope they would deem me a priority when I am around.
[2009/02/17 9:42] Pirate Russell: *I* am the Domme, they serve Me, they are here to make Me happy... in that they find their happiness
[2009/02/17 9:42] Pirate Russell: ***IM***, would girl care to speak to this, as well?
[2009/02/17 9:42] ***SL***: personally I feel...when ever a sub logs on..and they atleast get a hug and kiss * how you doing* etc..even for 5-15 minutes...they helps reassure the love
[2009/02/17 9:42] ***SL***: that helps*
[2009/02/17 9:43] ***SS2***: so if your pet was with someone else in the middle of something ...
[2009/02/17 9:44] ***SS2***: and you ***OW*** or Pirate logged on
[2009/02/17 9:44] Pirate Russell: Well, if I'm deep in a scene with ***IM***, and My batla, for instance, logs on, she has the respect to wait for an opening, but still get some IM attention, for sure.
[2009/02/17 9:44] ***OW***: I have a long way to go...myself in capturing the essence of the multiamorous relationship...I am Epicurean in my standards of lust and pleasure. I am patient, I can stand to get to know a submissive for months before I collar her, perhaps that is my undoing...I tend to not synchronize my desires with the time speed of SL.
[2009/02/17 9:44] ***SS2***: would you expect then to get to you asap if you said so?
[2009/02/17 9:45] Pirate Russell: My girls adhere to My rules, one of which, is: Rule 4) When I'm in game, you will be available to Me, unconditionally. This does not mean you will be at My feet 24 X 7, but if I want you, you WILL come! I do make allowances for SL work, being with friends, subs, etc.
[2009/02/17 9:45] ***OW***: I would ask of them what their current situation is. I would not want a bevvy of disrespectful furies flittering about. It would reflect badly on my Mastering them if I forced them to come running when I logged in. I would consider their current situation and make my decision accordingly.
[2009/02/17 9:45] Pirate Russell: Yes I expect them to come to Me immediately, if summoned, but I am sensitive to their plights, when I log on
[2009/02/17 9:45] ***IM***: girl want's Mistress to be happy more than anything else, so girl is happy when Mistress is happy. girl couldn't be upset that Mistress is doing something that makes Her happy.
[2009/02/17 9:46] ***SL***: good answer ***IM***...thats how it should be
[2009/02/17 9:46] ***SS2*** smiles
[2009/02/17 9:46] ***OW***: Which is why I have not had experience...I do not know what I would expect in terms of multiamory.
[2009/02/17 9:46] Pirate Russell: ***IM*** in the nearly year We've been together, how many times have I insisted girl drop everything and come to Me
[2009/02/17 9:47] ***IM***: It would be silly to expect that girl could be all things to Mistress, as it would be silly to expect anyone to be all things to anyone else. Mistress finds other things other places.
[2009/02/17 9:47] ***OW***: I have many years of one on one experience....but I needed some insight from a friend who has had experience in terms of multiamory.
[2009/02/17 9:47] Pirate Russell: As does girl
[2009/02/17 9:47] ***IM***: girl thinks it was just once or twice, Mistress, that you insisted on girl's attention immediately.
[2009/02/17 9:48] ***SL***: I own 9 or 10 girls..most of them ponygirls, they know if I am in play with one of My neko's or another...regardless what we are doing, they can ask to watch only...otherwise not to interrupt, and them all cometo Me when summoned, I've got 2 girls in collar for almost 2 years now..
[2009/02/17 9:48] ***OW*** nods and listens.
[2009/02/17 9:49] Pirate Russell: Goes back to Heinein's definition of love, girl's happiness is something I require for My happiness
[2009/02/17 9:49] ***SS2***: bloody hell I am so in the minority being monogamous , polyamory scares the shit outa me
[2009/02/17 9:50] ***SL***: but when I been owned...being a switch...the Mistress' I've had have always been busy building or scripting...and only has time for Her girls that can do the same..so I have felt left out...but not jealous...just pissed off for not even a hello, hug or kiss
[2009/02/17 9:50] Pirate Russell: Well, I am thankfully, capable of being in love with more than one person at a time!
[2009/02/17 9:50] ***IM***: girl doesn't think she could have done it if both relationships haden't grow at the same time, ***SS2***. It still feels funny.
[2009/02/17 9:50] Pirate Russell: yes, that is NOT My style of Dominance, either, I understand, ***SL***
[2009/02/17 9:51] ***SL***: thank You Miss....
[2009/02/17 9:51] ***SL***: as I say ***OW***...my opinion..as long as they get that reassurance...even for a short amount of time..thats important
[2009/02/17 9:52] Pirate Russell: Now I won't lie.... My time is very rarely My own, but each of My girls understands that if I wanna go hang out at Members' Day here, that I don't love them any less
[2009/02/17 9:53] ***IM*** nods
[2009/02/17 9:53] ***OW***: Thank you kindly ***SL***. I think the most important aspect of this was to get opinion from sound minded individuals. I sometimes dislike finding my own way blind through something I have not experienced...though in other cases, blind learning is the best way to strengthen oneself...through mistakes.
[2009/02/17 9:54] ***SL***: yes...as long as those mistakes aren't to costly in the end...and it does good to talk to othes with experience atleast as a guide or to strengthen your own thoughts
[2009/02/17 9:55] ***SL***: I love each of My girls and I know they love Me....but I have a hard time finding my own desires to be filled
[2009/02/17 9:55] Pirate Russell: Uh oh, ***OW***, I am DEFINATELY not of sound mind!
[2009/02/17 9:56] ***SS2***: laughs
[2009/02/17 9:56] ***SL***: lol
[2009/02/17 9:56] ***SL***: well You foold use Miss...lol
[2009/02/17 9:56] ***SL***: fooled us*
[2009/02/17 9:56] Pirate Russell: He he
[2009/02/17 9:56] ***SS2***: Pirate can rp sanity really well
[2009/02/17 9:56] ***SS2*** grins
[2009/02/17 9:56] ***IM***: Sometimes it's like cooking; hard work and an occational splash of hot oil, but in the end the good meal makes it worth it. girl may have pangs because she's not with Mistress but knowing she's happy makes it worth it.
[2009/02/17 9:57] ***SL*** makes sure all my keys are hidden :)
[2009/02/17 9:57] ***OW***: I am not here to cast any type of judgement on one's personality. I am here to gain the fruits of knowledge from one fellow Dom to another. While I do think the humor is important, I respect your words this afternoon even more and hope to carry this knowledge with me. Thusly, you are still a sound individual, should you care for the title or not.
[2009/02/17 9:58] Pirate Russell: Please ***OW***, I feel no judgement, at all
[2009/02/17 9:58] ***SL***: smiles...well said ***IM*** and ***OW***
[2009/02/17 9:58] ***SL***: its been a good discussion Miss Pirate...
[2009/02/17 9:58] ***SS2***: yes thanks Pirate
[2009/02/17 9:59] ***OW***: No worries at all, Pirate.
[2009/02/17 9:59] Pirate Russell: It is MY pleasure, also there's a GOOD website/podcast regarding Polyamory
[2009/02/17 9:59] Pirate Russell: http://polyweekly.com
[2009/02/17 9:59] ***SS2***: ahh cheers for that too
[2009/02/17 10:00] ***OW***: Much obliged.
[2009/02/17 10:00] Pirate Russell: I think, I'm making sure its the right URL
[2009/02/17 10:00] Pirate Russell: Yep, that's it!
[2009/02/17 10:00] ***SL*** throws a bottle of rum to Miss Pirate.. *grins*
[2009/02/17 10:00] ***SS2***: bloody hell I hope its plastic
[2009/02/17 10:00] ***SL***: lol
[2009/02/17 10:01] Pirate Russell: ARR... and if any are willing to tip, please go to West of Ireland, and donate it to Project Children
[2009/02/17 10:01] Pirate Russell had a scholarship to College to play first base, and can STILL catch!
[2009/02/17 10:01] ***SS2*** grins
[2009/02/17 10:01] Pirate Russell: Sorry ***SS2***, to "University"
[2009/02/17 10:01] ***SS2***: ahh its ok I speak American sometimes
[2009/02/17 10:02] Pirate Russell: Good for girl!
[2009/02/17 10:02] ***SS2***: well I get it at least
[2009/02/17 10:02] ***SL***: ***SS2***....I wouldn't want to be on the end of the paddle for hitting Her...but any other ways.. is ok:)
[2009/02/17 10:02] ***SS2***: lol
[2009/02/17 10:02] ***SS2***: got a dictionary
[2009/02/17 10:02] ***SS2***: ha one day she will paddle me for my cheek
[2009/02/17 10:02] ***IM*** giggles about Miss Pirate only being at first base.
[2009/02/17 10:02] ***SS2***: haha
[2009/02/17 10:03] Pirate Russell can get to 3rd base right quick, li'l one!
[2009/02/17 10:03] ***IM***: meep
[2009/02/17 10:03] ***SS2***: how many are there?
[2009/02/17 10:03] Pirate Russell: imremove shirt
[2009/02/17 10:03] Pirate Russell: imremove pelvis
[2009/02/17 10:03] ***IM*** wimpers
[2009/02/17 10:03] ***SL***: I would imagine Miss Pirate could hit a home run fairly quickly too
[2009/02/17 10:03] Pirate Russell: That'll make it MUCH easier
[2009/02/17 10:04] ***SS2***: ahh I take it that is alll the way
[2009/02/17 10:04] Pirate Russell: Thanks, ***SL***, I think
[2009/02/17 10:04] Pirate Russell: Yes, hun
[2009/02/17 10:04] ***SS2***: see I catch on
[2009/02/17 10:04] ***SL***: Your welcome...and it was meant to be good
[2009/02/17 10:04] Pirate Russell: first base is kiss, 2nd base is boobs, 3rd base is feeling up, and home run is going ALL the way!
[2009/02/17 10:05] ***SL***: yep yep :)
[2009/02/17 10:05] ***SS2***: sounds thrilling
[2009/02/17 10:05] ***SS2***: maybe I should emigrate
[2009/02/17 10:05] ***SS2***: lol
[2009/02/17 10:05] Pirate Russell: Now in Cricket, I'm not sure about the sticky wicket
[2009/02/17 10:05] ***SS2***: yeah there is that
[2009/02/17 10:05] Pirate Russell: W/we can play a game or two, 'till girl gets the hang of it!
[2009/02/17 10:05] ***SS2***: well thanks Pirate
[2009/02/17 10:05] ***IM*** giggles
[2009/02/17 10:06] ***KC*** giggles
[2009/02/17 10:06] ***SS2***: and you know if I ever try bi
[2009/02/17 10:06] Pirate Russell: Just in the interest of International Relations
[2009/02/17 10:06] ***SS2***: it has to be you
[2009/02/17 10:06] ***SL***: a sticky wicket...sounds like someone needs to change underwear
[2009/02/17 10:06] ***SS2*** grins
[2009/02/17 10:07] ***SL*** looks at ***IM***.....I think any girl in collar or not...should be proud to kneel before You Miss Pirate
[2009/02/17 10:08] ***KC*** nods
[2009/02/17 10:08] ***IM*** nods to ***SL***
[2009/02/17 10:09] Pirate Russell strokes Her treasure's hair, proudly!
[2009/02/17 10:09] Pirate Russell guesses class has been over for a while now... he he
[2009/02/17 10:10] ***SS2***: cheers Pirate
[2009/02/17 10:10] ***KC***: great discussion as always Miss
[2009/02/17 10:10] ***SS2***: I guess ill go for a spot of profile reading at hovvy
[2009/02/17 10:10] Pirate Russell: My pleasure, ***SS2***
[2009/02/17 10:10] ***SS2***: see who has what alt these days
[2009/02/17 10:10] ***OW***: I love to profile read as well.
[2009/02/17 10:10] ***SS2***: Ive read yours often ***OW***
[2009/02/17 10:11] ***SS2***: hehe
[2009/02/17 10:11] ***SL***: MIss Pirate do You require Your girls to speak in 3rd person ...or is it they own option they do so?
[2009/02/17 10:11] ***OW***: I've glanced at yours as well, dear ***SS2***.
[2009/02/17 10:11] ***SS2*** chuckles
[2009/02/17 10:11] ***SS2***: yay
[2009/02/17 10:11] ***SJ***: trys not to blush as she is reading profile as everyone speaks
[2009/02/17 10:12] ***SS2***: lol Shine
[2009/02/17 10:12] ***SS2***: dont you hate an empty profile
[2009/02/17 10:12] ***SJ***: yez
[2009/02/17 10:12] Pirate Russell: Nope, it helps me cull out the rejects, ***SS2***!
[2009/02/17 10:12] ***OW***: Empty profile is like finding shit hidden in a sea of gold.
[2009/02/17 10:12] ***OW***: Oh, excuse me.
[2009/02/17 10:12] ***IM***: Mistress requires it, Miss ***SL***.
[2009/02/17 10:12] ***SS2***: laughs
[2009/02/17 10:12] ***SJ***: lol priate yez good poit
[2009/02/17 10:13] ***OW***: I was thinking aloud.
[2009/02/17 10:13] ***SL***: thank you ***IM*** :)
[2009/02/17 10:13] ***SJ***: lol
[2009/02/17 10:13] Pet Freenote laughs at ***OW***'s outside voice
[2009/02/17 10:13] ***SL***: well wishes every...beena pleasure meeting and talking to all of you..
[2009/02/17 10:13] ***KC*** shouts: goodbye Miss Pirate E/everyone. goodbye sis ***IM***
[2009/02/17 10:13] ***SL***: wishes everyone*
[2009/02/17 10:13] Pirate Russell: Ciao for now!
[2009/02/17 10:13] ***OW***: Be well ***SL***.
[2009/02/17 10:13] ***SS2***: see ya soon ***SL***
[2009/02/17 10:13] ***SS2***: good to see you again
[2009/02/17 10:14] ***SL***: ok ***SS2***...nice to see you again too :)
[2009/02/17 10:14] ***SS2***: and ill pop by your place
[2009/02/17 10:14] ***SL***: smiles..anytime hun
[2009/02/17 10:14] ***SL***: ....
[2009/02/17 10:14] ***SJ***: ty pirate

Alone: Why don't they log on anymore? - 2/10/09

[2009/02/10 9:09] Pirate Russell: Ok, please take all cross talk to IM, and all collar, etc commands to the secondary channels!
[2009/02/10 9:09] Pirate Russell: Welcome to House of V's College of Kink! As most of y'all know, My name is Pirate Russell, Head Mistress of the College, and today's instructor. I have been in SL for over 3 years, a lesbian Domme, the entire time.
[2009/02/10 9:09] Pirate Russell: If any need to leave early, the transcript for this, and all other classes can be found at http://collegeofkink.blogspot.com.
[2009/02/10 9:09] Pirate Russell: Our topic today, "Alone: Why don't they log on anymore?".
[2009/02/10 9:10] Pirate Russell: alone by ~Hoeg on deviantART ( http://bdsmforbeginners.blogspot.com/search/label/Cyber%20Kink%20Issues )
[2009/02/10 9:10] Pirate Russell: "She's been my Mistress for 9 months.Now our blog's gone and She's not responding to email"
[2009/02/10 9:10] Pirate Russell: "We were about to collar her and she vanished without a word"
[2009/02/10 9:10] Pirate Russell: "I don't think I'm going to get to see Her again for a long while...if ever.
[2009/02/10 9:10] Pirate Russell: *She's deleted Her yahoo account. "
[2009/02/10 9:10] Pirate Russell: "How long do I wait? I can't seem to move forward"
[2009/02/10 9:10] Pirate Russell: One day you are happy, playing with your online BDSM play partner, chatting about inconsequential things and planning your next time together.
[2009/02/10 9:11] Pirate Russell: The next day, without warning, your world falls apart. Your partner fails to turn up online. They don't respond to your attempts to contact them. Their email address bounces.
[2009/02/10 9:11] Pirate Russell: Their profile vanishes from the sites you both belong to. No one in your online community has heard from them. You panic: are they ill? Hurt? Dead in a car crash? How will you ever know?
[2009/02/10 9:11] Pirate Russell: You suddenly realize you have no way to find them. You search through every IM conversation record for facts about their real life - anything that might lead you to them...
[2009/02/10 9:11] Pirate Russell: Days pass. Weeks. You go from feeling concern to blaming yourself: you must have been a bad sub or Dom/me. You drove them away. Its all your fault. You must have said something wrong (but what??).
[2009/02/10 9:12] Pirate Russell: Then your mood switches to frustration and anger: how dare they do this? How could they? They said they cared. You were friends. More than friends. They knew you better than anyone. Then you feel despair: you feel betrayed.
[2009/02/10 9:12] Pirate Russell: How long must you wait? WHERE ARE THEY???? Then you just feel numb.
[2009/02/10 9:12] Pirate Russell: Sometimes they never come back. Sometimes they do. That can be worse.
[2009/02/10 9:12] Pirate Russell: Welcome to the world of online loss.
[2009/02/10 9:13] Pirate Russell: It's a remarkably common experience - most of us with online play partners (whether for online sex, dating, BDSM or even on games like Second Life) will unfortunately encounter it in some form.
[2009/02/10 9:13] Pirate Russell: Equally unfortunately there's very little written about it, but it's an experience you don't want to go through alone.
[2009/02/10 9:13] Pirate Russell: This BDSM For Beginners post will hopefully provide you with some ways to understand it, cope with it and hopefully in future avoid it.
[2009/02/10 9:13] Pirate Russell: I. WHY DO PEOPLE DISAPPEAR ONLINE?
[2009/02/10 9:13] Pirate Russell: It's impossible to speak for individuals, but we can draw some general observations about why / when people disappear:
[2009/02/10 9:14] Pirate Russell: Disappearing at the end of a relationship:
[2009/02/10 9:14] Pirate Russell: In this case your partner vanishes after an argument, or things go wrong. They may cut off all contact and make public statements like deleting their blogs or profiles.
[2009/02/10 9:14] Pirate Russell: In these cases you have some warning that things are going wrong, so while the whole experience is upsetting (as is the end of any relationship, whether kinky or vanilla, or real time or online) at least you have an understanding of why it occurred.
[2009/02/10 9:15] Pirate Russell: Many people are sincere in wanting to dismantle the online persona they utilized with you, at the end of a relationships.
[2009/02/10 9:15] Pirate Russell: However be aware that others use the threat of vanishing as a nasty means to control their partner, when an online relationship is in trouble.
[2009/02/10 9:15] Pirate Russell: In these cases they may not entirely delete their profile but might delete their friends list, etc and leave a statement claiming they no longer use the site (this always looks very silly when you can see elsewhere on their page that they are online).
[2009/02/10 9:16] Pirate Russell: If your partner turns out to be playing this sort of game, while there is certainly hope you might get back together (or else why would they still be around)
[2009/02/10 9:16] Pirate Russell: it might be time to have a good hard think about whether you really want to continue in a relationship with someone who plays around with your mind and heart in such a manner.
[2009/02/10 9:16] Pirate Russell: II.DISSAPPEARING BECAUSE OF REAL LIFE ISSUES:
[2009/02/10 9:17] Pirate Russell: In these circumstances, you may or may not get warning, depending how close you are to your online partner and how much they discuss their real life with you. If they do, then you will be aware of whatever crisis they are facing.
[2009/02/10 9:17] Pirate Russell: Actually, here you may, or may not, be aware... some crises arise rather abruptly
[2009/02/10 9:17] Pirate Russell: If not, they leave an email or IM message for you, saying that they have a problem and need some time offline. It may not provide all the information you want but at least such a message means you know where they are,
[2009/02/10 9:18] Pirate Russell: and that your online relationship will hopefully be able to resume when their situation is improved. They may of course also leave a message that says their problem is ongoing (such as trying to fix a marriage) and they won't be back.
[2009/02/10 9:18] Pirate Russell: Disappearing for a while due to online fatigue:
[2009/02/10 9:18] Pirate Russell: Sometimes people just need to take a break for a while. They may leave a message. Other times there is no warning, although looking back you will probably recognize your partner was under stress.
[2009/02/10 9:19] Pirate Russell: They don't delete anything online, they just don't seem to come online anymore and become impossible to contact.
[2009/02/10 9:19] Pirate Russell: I'm guilty of this myself. I call it Mistress Fatigue - a desperate need to have a break from your online persona for a while. I always come back. But I just need some space. If you seem to be encountering this kind of disappearance,
[2009/02/10 9:19] Pirate Russell: there is one magic word that solves the problem: patience. Trust your partner. They will be back, and they will appreciate the patience and consideration you have shown.
[2009/02/10 9:20] Pirate Russell: III. DISAPEARING WITHOUT WARNING:
[2009/02/10 9:20] Pirate Russell: This is the scenario I outlined at the beginning of this post. You get no warning at all: they are simply gone. The worst scenario going through your head - that they may have died - is unlikely
[2009/02/10 9:20] Pirate Russell: (although I know one sub who did lose a great friend and Mistress this way, when she died unexpectedly). They may be in hospital, or have close relatives in hospital, and be unable to get online.
[2009/02/10 9:20] Pirate Russell: Their computer may have broken down. They may have forgotten to pay their wireless bill. Or gone on an unexpected business trip.
[2009/02/10 9:21] Pirate Russell: All these reasons work well in the short term, but they don't work after a week or so. Nor do they offer comfort if your partner has deleted their online personas.
[2009/02/10 9:21] Pirate Russell: At some point you may just have to face up (as I once did) to the cold hard fact that someone you care about simply does not care enough about you to get in touch and explain their actions.
[2009/02/10 9:22] Pirate Russell: Although nothing has been specifically written about BDSM online relationship disappearances, you can find responses (such as B Z on datingdame.com) documenting reasons for vanishing during online dating:
[2009/02/10 9:22] Pirate Russell: "When I mysteriously disappear online, it usually means I am afraid of rejection.
[2009/02/10 9:22] Pirate Russell: I am afraid of the person saying, "Hurrumph, she said she was not fat". I am afraid of becoming all nervous and silly and making a fool of myself by saying the wrong things. And if I do manage to overcome these worries, I have the secondary fear of reject
[2009/02/10 9:22] Pirate Russell: If the person is, in real life, dull or bad-tempered, I don't want to have gotten all excited about a date only to have to turn down their request for another one."
[2009/02/10 9:23] Pirate Russell: But these reasons don't seem to apply to online only BDSM relationships, unless your partner vanished just before you arranged to meet.
[2009/02/10 9:23] Pirate Russell: You may find some hint in your relationship's history (I was told much later that my gone-without-warning sub did not want to tell me she was moving to a real time dominant).
[2009/02/10 9:23] Pirate Russell: But let's be honest, you may never hear why. Perhaps the only "why" we will ever know is one Dragon Lord touches on indirectly in The Views From The Dragon's Lair: Dealing With Running:
[2009/02/10 9:24] Pirate Russell: "Ever notice how many people are running everyday? Running here and there, running to their jobs, running to their homes, running to make money, running from debt, running from so many things: pain, love, commitment, the past, the future.
[2009/02/10 9:24] Pirate Russell: Sometimes I wonder if they really know what they are running from. In this life from a Dominant's perspective we see a lot of this running, we encounter it constantly ....
[2009/02/10 9:25] Pirate Russell: "[Some people even run] from their goals. Once they realized that you were not the other person, that you were true to your word, then they became scared of the commitment that will incur their desires coming true. .....
[2009/02/10 9:25] Pirate Russell: There are so many different reasons that people run: i.e. the fear of not being needed, the fear of disappointing, the fear of having disappointed, and the fear of rejection, of acceptance, of success and of failure".
[2009/02/10 9:25] Pirate Russell: IV. WHAT DO YOU FEEL WHEN THIS HAPPENS?
[2009/02/10 9:25] Pirate Russell: Well, obviously you feel like shit. I grieved for months. Another friend who is currently experiencing this recently wrote:
[2009/02/10 9:26] Pirate Russell: "I understand real life comes first. There have been times where I've walked away for one reason or another. I've hurt people in the past, never intentionally but it has happened and I still regret it ...
[2009/02/10 9:26] Pirate Russell: Understanding doesn't make it any easier though ... [I'm] feeling abandoned, confused, lost ... just wishing to have one last conversation to talk things over. There are no hard feelings, just things left unsaid and questions left unanswered ... ".
[2009/02/10 9:26] Pirate Russell: I felt exactly the same. He also faces the same terrible double bind - the uncertainty of whether to move on or to wait: "If She does come back soon, I don't want it to appear that I have been disloyal, or unfaithful.
[2009/02/10 9:27] Pirate Russell: But what if She doesn't come back?". People in other areas on online life face the same issues, such as Carly, who experienced the disappearance of her marriage partner on Second Life:
[2009/02/10 9:27] Pirate Russell: "I don't know what to do. I'm normally a pretty aggressive, take charge kind of woman, but right now I feel so pathetic. How long do I wait to move on? A month? Two? Three? I don't know how long I can stand to feel like this.
[2009/02/10 9:27] Pirate Russell: I went from having it all to having nothing but ashes. I don't want another girl, I want the one I had..."
[2009/02/10 9:28] Pirate Russell: But on the other hand, you have to start to think of your own needs, as my friend did:
[2009/02/10 9:28] Pirate Russell: "Will She be back? How long will it take? How long should I wait? That last [question] is kind of a big one for me. I use my time online to express myself, to satisfy that submissive itch that I have, that cannot be ignored.
[2009/02/10 9:28] Pirate Russell: If it goes too long without being scratched I find myself depressed, irritable, and just not myself".
[2009/02/10 9:28] Pirate Russell: This brings us to the next question: your survival.
[2009/02/10 9:29] Pirate Russell: V. HOW DO I COPE, IN PRACTICAL TERMS?
[2009/02/10 9:29] Pirate Russell: Firstly, and most importantly BY NOT BLAMING YOURSELF.
[2009/02/10 9:29] Pirate Russell: The fact your play partner has vanished IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You are not a bad sub or a bad Dom/me. You did not fail. You did not drive them away. Their disappearance is about their issues, not yours.
[2009/02/10 9:29] Pirate Russell: Secondly, treat yourself gently. You are in mourning and in shock: give yourself your normal post BDSM scene aftercare. Look after yourself.
[2009/02/10 9:30] Pirate Russell: Here are some issues you might have to deal with:
[2009/02/10 9:30] Pirate Russell: Trying to find them:
[2009/02/10 9:30] Pirate Russell: Okay so you are convinced they are out there, injured somewhere, or alone and hurt. What can you do? Well again this entirely depends on the information you exchanged during your online relationship.
[2009/02/10 9:31] Pirate Russell: If you have a real name and a city, you probably CAN track them down. But think this through; you don't want to be accused of stalking so use the info you have to make sure they are alive and well - and then let them be.
[2009/02/10 9:31] Pirate Russell: If you never exchanged real names its going to be tricky to find them. You might be able to do it on the basis of other information.
[2009/02/10 9:31] Pirate Russell: Its also important to talk to others in your online community - they may have more recent information (I heard one story where a Mistress left a message for her sub with other subs in a chatroom, when she had to leave the country in a hurry)
[2009/02/10 9:31] Pirate Russell: or be aware if your partner has done this in the past, before you came on the scene
[2009/02/10 9:31] Pirate Russell: Contacting them again:
[2009/02/10 9:32] Pirate Russell: Some people will tell you after any relationship finishes (vanilla or otherwise) to burn the photos, chuck out the momentos and never contact them again. So re contacting someone who has disappeared,
[2009/02/10 9:32] Pirate Russell: I guess it comes down to how badly you were hurt during your period of loss.
[2009/02/10 9:32] Pirate Russell: Sure, if it doesn't feel good, then leave them be. But if you still feel something for them, and you beli***EE***they are out there somewhere and still picking up their mail, then why not drop them the odd line?
[2009/02/10 9:33] Pirate Russell: Wish them Happy Birthday, Merry Xmas and Happy New Year. It lets them know you are thinking of them. There is also the chance they may respond.
[2009/02/10 9:33] Pirate Russell: In the online dating world, B Z advises that when she disappears online, what people should do in response is "DON'T go all stalkery on me, sending email after email imploring me to respond.
[2009/02/10 9:33] Pirate Russell: The best thing to do would be to continue to send the occasional email just to keep in touch. Perhaps ask for my help with something - you need to buy a present for a teenaged niece, or you need to translate something into a language I know.
[2009/02/10 9:34] Pirate Russell: You might invite me to a group event. If you are painting your house and inviting everyone you know over to help paint and then eat barbecue, I just might show up".
[2009/02/10 9:34] Pirate Russell: What to do if/when they turn up again:
[2009/02/10 9:34] Pirate Russell: This is the hardest part of all. You go through weeks, possibly months of grieving. You finally move on ... and then one day they reappear. Invariably this happens long after you have stopped dreaming of it happening!
[2009/02/10 9:35] Pirate Russell: In many cases, the person hardly gives any explanation but often seems to expect the relationship to pick up as if they had never been away.
[2009/02/10 9:35] Pirate Russell: Many Dom/mes have spoken to me about this. It's rare that the relationship is resumed, because trust has been so profoundly broken - would you ever beli***EE***their promise that it wouldn't happen again?
[2009/02/10 9:35] Pirate Russell: But why don't you at least try to preserve the friendship? However: do be prepared. They often disappear again.
[2009/02/10 9:36] Pirate Russell: VI. WHAT CAN I DO TO AVOIDIT HAPPENING (AGAIN)?
[2009/02/10 9:36] Pirate Russell: A lot of this has to do with personalities and individual relationships and it seems impossible to generalize, but there are a few things you can do:
[2009/02/10 9:37] Pirate Russell: * Exchange real names and contact details. I've made this a part of all online sub contracts since my own experience.
[2009/02/10 9:37] Pirate Russell: * Set up a contact scheme for emergencies: Some Dom/mes arrange for a third party to be involved, to contact their subs if the Dom/me has a family crisis, health emergency, etc. Discuss with each other what might work for you both.
[2009/02/10 9:38] Pirate Russell: * Talk about online disappearances. Make sure the topic comes up in conversation with your partner during good times. Ask them if they have ever done it, what their feelings are about it.
[2009/02/10 9:38] Pirate Russell: It sounds trite and sure some people lie, but this remains a fairly successful way of finding out what they think. It also gives you an opportunity to get your own thoughts about it across.
[2009/02/10 9:38] Pirate Russell: If your partner knows you'd be worried sick if they vanished, they may try more to keep you in the loop regarding their plans.
[2009/02/10 9:39] Pirate Russell: * Never take your online relationship for granted: the truth is you never know when someone might disappear - or other things might go wrong - so remember
[2009/02/10 9:39] Pirate Russell looks down, "WHEW, she's still here!"
[2009/02/10 9:39] Pirate Russell: every time you meet online to really appreciate your play partner and the wonderful BDSM times you are having. Your appreciation will be visible to them, and will make them appreciate you more as well.
[2009/02/10 9:39] Ibrew Meads giggles
[2009/02/10 9:39] Pirate Russell: And good luck!
[2009/02/10 9:40] Patrick Muggins: yep! It's moment to moment.
[2009/02/10 9:40] Pirate Russell: Citation: http://bdsmforbeginners.blogspot.com/search/label/Cyber%20Kink%20Issues
[2009/02/10 9:40] Pirate Russell: The transcript for this, and all other classes can be found at http://collegeofkink.blogspot.com
[2009/02/10 9:40] Pirate Russell: Questions?? Comments??
[2009/02/10 9:40] ***HZ***: raises hand
[2009/02/10 9:41] Pirate Russell: Yes, ***HZ***
[2009/02/10 9:41] ***NG***: Random non-sequitors?
[2009/02/10 9:41] ***HZ***: i cannot stress the importance of an emergency contact
[2009/02/10 9:41] ***HZ***: when things became serious for Sir and i
[2009/02/10 9:41] ***HZ***: we both set up a third party who would contact
[2009/02/10 9:41] ***HZ***: in the event of an emergency
[2009/02/10 9:41] ***HZ***: gave us both such peace of mind
[2009/02/10 9:42] ***HZ***: prays to gods W/we never have to use them
[2009/02/10 9:42] Pirate Russell: Well there are some that don't want to give out a lot of RL info, though, My SL wife has been STALKED!
[2009/02/10 9:43] ***HZ***: nods, but having had one partner end up in the hospital for 6 weeks without a word
[2009/02/10 9:43] Pirate Russell: RL stalked, "You didn't take the flight I bought, and now I'm pissed" Stalked
[2009/02/10 9:43] ***HZ***: i needed the security
[2009/02/10 9:43] Pirate Russell: And that's great, ***HZ***
[2009/02/10 9:43] Pirate Russell: as W/we all know, D/s is a RELATIONSHIP!
[2009/02/10 9:44] ***SS***: I actually have things set so if I am in the hospital, or dead, people get informed automatically
[2009/02/10 9:44] Pirate Russell: and all RELATIONSHIPS are as different as the people (and farm animals) that are in them!
[2009/02/10 9:44] ***HZ***: shudders at stalking
[2009/02/10 9:44] Pirate Russell: Ahh...
[2009/02/10 9:44] ***EE***: how ***SS***?
[2009/02/10 9:45] Pirate Russell: My hubby doesn't play, but if he logged in as Me, he could answer the flood if IM's that would hit if I din't long in EVERY freakin' day! LOL
[2009/02/10 9:45] ***SS***: My RL Mother and my Landlord have a set of E-mails that are to go to certain people. If it is my death, those e-mails have passwords to things I wish them to have
[2009/02/10 9:45] ***EW***: Some deadman's switch
[2009/02/10 9:45] ***EW***: Very thoughtful.
[2009/02/10 9:45] ***HZ***: wowser
[2009/02/10 9:46] ***EW***: Check this out, http://www.deadmansswitch.net
[2009/02/10 9:46] Pirate Russell: Thanks, I'll check that out after class ***EW***
[2009/02/10 9:47] ***SS***: I can say one reason i have run into for runners
[2009/02/10 9:48] Pirate Russell: Any other questions, comments, dirty jokes?
[2009/02/10 9:48] Ibrew Meads: How should one leave, if they decide to?
[2009/02/10 9:48] ***SS***: Sometimes, the realization that the other person does not treat things as a game, taking things seriously, crashes in on them. Out of fear, or guilt, they just vanish
[2009/02/10 9:49] ***SS***: Ibrew, that's easy. Straight up honest truth.
[2009/02/10 9:49] ***SS***: Send an e-mail. Talk to them. Something. Dissappearing to break up is a coward's ploy
[2009/02/10 9:51] Pirate Russell: Well... if the RELATIONSHIP is the least bit healthy... what do we have... ***MG***?
[2009/02/10 9:51] Pirate Russell: C _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
[2009/02/10 9:52] ***MG***: communication?
[2009/02/10 9:52] Pirate Russell: BINGO
[2009/02/10 9:52] ***MG***: sorry my minds jumbled right now Miss Pirate
[2009/02/10 9:52] Pirate Russell: no propblem
[2009/02/10 9:52] Pirate Russell: girl got it right! he he
[2009/02/10 9:53] Pirate Russell: ibrew can tell you, that there have been more than one time, in MANY different situations, some intimate, some just shopping, that I've said, "I GOTTA go!"
[2009/02/10 9:54] Pirate Russell: It's not always comfortable to do, but it needs doing!
[2009/02/10 9:54] ***PS*** smiles
[2009/02/10 9:54] Pirate Russell: Anything else?
[2009/02/10 9:55] Pirate Russell: Going once....
[2009/02/10 9:55] Pirate Russell: ...........................................twice...
[2009/02/10 9:56] ***SS***: $2 and a box of envelopes?
[2009/02/10 9:56] ***NG***: Three times a lady....
[2009/02/10 9:56] Pirate Russell: ..................................................................................STOLE MY JOKE!
[2009/02/10 9:56] Pirate Russell: Class dismissed!
[2009/02/10 9:56] Ibrew Meads giggles
[2009/02/10 9:56] Pirate Russell: W/we need to clear out, got a nother class coming in here on Thursday at MIDNIGHT:30!!! he he
[2009/02/10 9:56] ***SS***: lol
[2009/02/10 9:56] ***EW***: Thanks Pirate
[2009/02/10 9:56] Pirate Russell: And ***SS***'s Thursday at 7a
[2009/02/10 9:57] Pirate Russell: and Mine again Friday, same bat time... same baat areana!
[2009/02/10 9:57] ***SS***: Taking a research break this week so I can get topics lined up
[2009/02/10 9:58] Pirate Russell: PLEASE, in leiu of any tips, pleas go to West of Ireland, and donate to the Charity there!