Safewords - 1/22/09

[7:11] Srilania Svoboda: Ok, please take all cross talk to IM, and all collar, etc commands to the secondary channels!
[7:11] Srilania Svoboda: Please also turn off or remove any radar, scanners, or sleep Mystitools so lag is reduced.
[7:12] Srilania Svoboda: Welcome to House of V's College of Kink! I'm the Newd Teacher, Srilania Svoboda, and your instructor for this lesson.
[7:12] Srilania Svoboda: While I have only been in Second life for about six months, I have been about in the real world for many years, as well as out in other realms of the internet, as a submissive, then became a Domme, which I have done for about 5 years.
[7:12] Srilania Svoboda: For any that need to leave early, all transcripts can be found at http://collegeofkink.blogspot.com
[7:12] Srilania Svoboda: Today's lesson is on Safeword
[7:12] Srilania Svoboda: or
[7:12] Srilania Svoboda: HOW THE HELL DO I STOP THIS RIDE????
[7:13] Srilania Svoboda: First off, what is a safeword?
[7:13] Srilania Svoboda: A safeword is a word, phrase, or action for the submissive to let the Dominant in a scene know when things are going badly for them.
[7:13] Srilania Svoboda: This can and does include physical boundaries, emotional limits, or psychological issues.
[7:13] Srilania Svoboda: But why is a safeword neccessary, you might be asking?
[7:14] Srilania Svoboda: Yes, there is an idea that safewords aren't neccessary for submissives, pets, or slaves, or that these people have no limits and therefore don't deserve one.
[7:14] Srilania Svoboda: Safewords can be more than an all stop. They can be a signal that things are too intense, or even a willingness to go harder.
[7:14] Srilania Svoboda: Safewords are words that are chosen before play starts, and discussed so both Dominant and submissive know what words are in use.
[7:15] Srilania Svoboda: these are brought into play, so a submissive can feel free to relax and holler "No" "Stop" and "Don't", feeding a roleplay scene, or just letting the submissive feel more helpless.
[7:16] Srilania Svoboda: And before anyone starts to dismiss the idea of a roleplay scene needing a safeword, how many here actually do some form of roleplay?
[7:16] *MK* lifts hand
[7:16] *SL* Pirate night
[7:16] *YU* lifts hand
[7:17] Srilania Svoboda: Unfortunately, this was a trick question. ALL play on Second Life is a form of roleplay
[7:18] Srilania Svoboda: These words are usually not every day words, so they are distinctive enough so the partner knows they are used.
[7:18] Srilania Svoboda: Fuck me harder is NOT a good safeword
[7:18] *IM* giggles
[7:18] Srilania Svoboda: Yes, I have heard this used as a safeword
[7:18] Srilania Svoboda: Please don't beat me is not a good safeword.
[7:19] Srilania Svoboda: There are many common safewords in common usage, and usually follow a traffic light system.
[7:19] Srilania Svoboda: A red safeword is one where all play is stopped immediately, and IMMEDITE aftercare applied.
[7:19] Srilania Svoboda: When a sub calls the red safeword, something has happened.They will be in a bad place mentally, or even requiring medical attention.
[7:20] Srilania Svoboda: Medical attention CAN AND DOES happen sometimes from Second Life play. Some do choose to enact upon themselves what is being done to them in the digital world
[7:20] Srilania Svoboda: Yellow safewords are words used to tell the partner that limits are getting edged to, or just that the play is going too fast and hard.
[7:21] Srilania Svoboda: A green safeword is usually one that tells the parner things are just fine and dandy, or even a "Come on already, are you gonna tickle me or beat me?"
[7:21] Srilania Svoboda: Some places take this in a literal sense, using Red, Yellow and Green for safewords.
[7:21] Srilania Svoboda: From my personal experience, the only one in that list that is unsafe is the most important one, Red.
[7:22] Srilania Svoboda: In the text of chat, Red is easy to understand.
[7:22] Srilania Svoboda: But, as many try learning RL BDSM from SL, one should look at the verbal portion.
[7:23] Srilania Svoboda: And yes, there are newer people to BDSM that try to learn it in the relative safety of the digital world, THEN bring that knowledge to the real world
[7:23] Srilania Svoboda: Red can be mistaken for rub in a noisy place. A gagged sub cannot make themselves heard well.
[7:24] Srilania Svoboda: Everyone, in real life, put your hand over your mouths, tightly so you cannot talk, and try to say red.
[7:24] Srilania Svoboda: Please do so now
[7:24] *IM* heh. Woo doesn't sound like red.
[7:24] Srilania Svoboda: Sounds like a grunt almost, doesn't it?
[7:25] Srilania Svoboda: I have found myself that the word MAYDAY works far better, as it is a word that can be understood without changing how one speeks it.
[7:25] Srilania Svoboda: Please try it again, this time trying to say MAYDAY instead of red
[7:26] Srilania Svoboda: Sounds muffled, but pretty understandable, doesn't it?
[7:26] *IM* nods
[7:27] Srilania Svoboda: Go ahead, try it.
[7:27] Srilania Svoboda: While there are a lot of clubs that use green, yellow, and red, it can be shown just how dangerous the word red is.
[7:27] *MK* nods
[7:28] Srilania Svoboda: And yes, a lot of Real life Play dungeons, play clubs, and gatherings use red as an all stop safeword, I have found it's not a safe one to use
[7:28] Srilania Svoboda: Safewords can be used either by the submissive calling them out when needed, or the Dominant asking their condition.
[7:28] Srilania Svoboda: Sometimes, either because of noise, restraints, or the submissive drops too deep into subspace, a non verbal safeword is needed.
[7:29] Srilania Svoboda: This can be anything from a tapping, to grunting in a rhythmic fashion.
[7:29] Srilania Svoboda: A way for Dominants to do a checkin on a sub that has gone unresponsive IRL is to stick their finger in the sub's hand, and have the sub squeeze it.
[7:29] Srilania Svoboda: For Second Life, it is harder for these forms of non verbal safewords.
[7:30] Srilania Svoboda: Having them repeat one letter over and over, or have them hit any key and enter to do a checkin for safety can work.
[7:30] Srilania Svoboda: Safewords are not just for the submissive, but for the Dominant, or even an observer.
[7:30] Srilania Svoboda: For instance, a safeword could be called by an observer if the scene has gotten too intense for their comfort, and need a moment to be able to leave the vicinity of the scene.
[7:31] Srilania Svoboda: Or a Dominant might use one to indicate thatthe submissive is getting too carried away in a scene.
[7:31] Srilania Svoboda: This usually happens when the submissive carries on in order to get punished harder.
[7:31] Srilania Svoboda: An officer in a play space or dungeon could also use one to point out to participats if there is something wrong that neither Dominant or submissive is aware of.
[7:32] Srilania Svoboda: Such things as your Hitatchi magic Wand coming partly unplugged from the extension cord, causing an electrocution hazzard
[7:33] Srilania Svoboda: Many times, a submissive feels using their safeword is bad.
[7:33] Srilania Svoboda: The most common reason is they fear using their safeword will dissappoint their Dominant.
[7:33] Srilania Svoboda: Also, some have gotten the horrible notion that safewords are topping from the bottom.
[7:33] Srilania Svoboda: These attitudes and ideas can and do cause a scene to keep going LONG after it should have been stopped.
[7:34] Srilania Svoboda: This is a major cause of breakups in the BDSM community, as the sub feels afterwards that they cannot trust their Dominant anymore.
[7:34] Srilania Svoboda: And without the pillar of Trust, a relationship cannot stand.
[7:35] Srilania Svoboda: It is of vital importance that you use your safewords when they are needed.
[7:35] Srilania Svoboda: These are a form of Communication with your play partner, and discouraging the use of them runs the risk of future scenes becoming trust breaking.
[7:35] Srilania Svoboda: Now, some relationships become so secure, where all parties know things and run like a well oiled machine.
[7:35] Srilania Svoboda: Even in these, it is important to keep the safewords as a backup, in case something unexpected happens.
[7:37] Srilania Svoboda: Real Life example, I watched a scene where 2 people were playing in second life. The submissive tied her legs and one hand behind her back, and used the free hand to type and whip herself. She jerked wrong, and popped her shoulder out of socket
[7:37] Srilania Svoboda: INSTEAD of calling her safeword, she did the rest of the scene, which was 2 hours
[7:38] Srilania Svoboda: In intense agony BECAUSE she was afraid to use her safeword
[7:38] ***SL*** eyebrow rising.
[7:39] Srilania Svoboda: Some allow and demand that Stop, Don't, and No be used to stop play.
[7:39] Srilania Svoboda: While in a full and secure relationship, this could be done, it can stop a scene as it begins or be ignored as roleplaying.
[7:40] Srilania Svoboda: Because I do know a lot of people have that interrogation fantasy, rape fantasy, or other types of fantasies, No, Stop, and Don't in a scene can be a bad stopping word
[7:41] Srilania Svoboda: it is important to avoid doing this unless in a relationship with a huge ammount of trust, and it be negotiated before the scene.
[7:41] Srilania Svoboda: For instance. Subbies? Any of you play on member's day, or sometimes allow a Dominant to play with you?
[7:42] *IM* shakes her head.
[7:42] Srilania Svoboda: You wouldn't trust them right off the bat with a phone number and address you live at, would you?
[7:42] *MK* no
[7:43] *YU* nope
[7:43] Srilania Svoboda: Play WITHOUT safewords is THAT level of trust
[7:44] Srilania Svoboda: Remember, safewords are not meant for topping from the bottom, not meant to bash someone over the head with.
[7:44] Srilania Svoboda: They are an emergency stop, just in case something goes wrong on the carnival ride you're on.
[7:44] Srilania Svoboda: Questions, opinions, feelings?
[7:44] Srilania Svoboda: Please feel free to feed the Teacher. I eat Linden Dollars as well as most types of blood, and the occasional stray victim!
[7:44] Srilania Svoboda: All transcripts can be found at http://collegeofkink.blogspot.com
[7:44] Srilania Svoboda: For Class times and topics, Y/you would always check the Search/Events and look for College
[7:45] Srilania Svoboda: Any comments or questions?
[7:45] *SL* nodding "Thank you for the thoughts, always good to review reality of things."
[7:45] *MK* alot of my questions were answered in the first class Aijin.
[7:46] Srilania Svoboda: Aye, but except for you and koneko, noone here was at the last class
[7:46] *MK* nods "ok"
[7:46] *YU* i have no questions ask
[7:47] *MK* what of qsafewords that you've alreddy agreed apon, but directly effect a certain scene?
[7:47] *IM* Are safewords necessary in SL when it's trivial to have OOC communications by puting what you say in (( ))?
[7:47] *IM*.
[7:47] Srilania Svoboda: Ok. Geisha, that one is vital to stop play, then renegotiate a new safeword
[7:48] Srilania Svoboda: IM, the concept of a safeword is an alert word. the harder one makes it to do, the less likely the person calling it can or will use it
[7:49] *MK* lifts hand
[7:49] Srilania Svoboda: Aye?
[7:49] *MK* what about when you have to stop with a safeword due to an emergancy? in RL or from SL play. such as the shoulder dislocation?
[7:50] *MK* what do you tell the Emergancy room?
[7:50] *MK* if you have other marks like welts, bruses and such
[7:50] *VS* Actually ER staff are used to that
[7:50] Srilania Svoboda: You do be open and honest with the doctor. You also point out Doctor/patient confidentiality
[7:51] *MK* hai, this question i asked on tuesday heh. but it's good to ask them again for those who did not hear them before
[7:51] Srilania Svoboda: Well, Veena, in parts of the Midwest, they kind of frown on it.
[7:52] *IM* Getting medical help is a lot more important than a avoiding a little embarrasment, too. ER's deal with much worse than that.
[7:52] *VS* Frown they may but, they have seen it --
[7:52] *MK* yes, but there are those who feel it's anot safe.
[7:52] *VS* under US law they are required to report gunshot wounds -- unles it is a child or the person asks for shelter or help
[7:52] *VS* i mean *only* required to report gunshot wounds
[7:52] Srilania Svoboda: Aye
[7:53] *IM* Or child abuse.
[7:53] *VS* yes
[7:53] *IM* Some states require reporting adult abuse as well.
[7:53] Srilania Svoboda: But, some doctors can be busybodies, and reminding them about the Doctor/patient confidentiality can usually stop that mess
[7:53] Veena Schism: Yes
[7:55] *YU* got something ask would safeword be use if sub was feeling to sleepy go on with rp
[7:56] Srilania Svoboda: IRL, you would use a yellow or cautionary safeword. SL, use your IM channel with your partner, and let them know
[7:56] Ibrew Meads: How safe is it to act out an online scene in RL? How would you get help if you got hurt?
[7:57] Srilania Svoboda: it can be quite safe, provided you have some things prepared.
[7:57] Srilania Svoboda: Geisha, wasn't that to be next week's topic?
[7:58] *IM* Oh, cool.
[7:58] *MK* yes Aijin
[7:58] Srilania Svoboda: Aye. That is what I will cover next week
[7:59] *IM* girl has a problem with her nose plugging up, sometimes within seconds. If this one were gagged girl could suffocate, and not be able to make a sound for a safeword. Any sugestions for how to deal with that?
[7:59] Srilania Svoboda: For real life play, you mean?
[7:59] Ibrew Meads: Yes.
[8:00] Srilania Svoboda: Well, one option is to use an O Ring gag. It forces your mouth open instead of sealed shut
[8:00] Srilania Svoboda: Otherwise, quick releases, and having a non verbal safeword system
[8:01] Srilania Svoboda: Or just make the kinds of gags that make this an issue a HARD LIMIT
[8:01] *IM* nods.
[8:01] *MK* there's a gag that can protect your teeth, as well as allow for breathing. as well. im not sure what ti is. but it provides a ball gag for those who feel unfase with them
[8:02] *MK* unsafe*
[8:02] *IM* girl saw a ball gag made from a practice golf ball, the ones with lots of holes in them.
[8:02] *MK* i've seen those.
[8:02] Srilania Svoboda: it's not that she feels unsafe geisha. It's that she has a medical issue that can cause a genuine safety issue
[8:02] *MK* this one was rubber, and was slit in sections.
[8:03] *MK* oh no, i know.
[8:03] *MK* i was speaking in general
[8:04] *IM* Thank You, Miss Sri.
[8:04] *IM* And everyone else too.
[8:05] Srilania Svoboda: If there are no further questions, I'll see you all next week, unless Linden Labs has a mentdown with 1.25
[8:06] *IM* Hehe.