Safewords - 1/20/09

[0:37] Srilania Svoboda: Ok, please take all cross talk to IM, and all collar, etc commands to the secondary channels!
[0:37] Srilania Svoboda: Please also turn off or remove any radar, scanners, or sleep Mystitools so lag is reduced.
[0:37] Srilania Svoboda allows a moment so it can be done, as she turns hers off too
[0:38] Srilania Svoboda: Welcome to House of V's College of Kink! I'm the Newd Teacher, Srilania Svoboda, and your instructor for this lesson.
[0:38] Srilania Svoboda: While I have only been in Second life for about six months, I have been about in the real world for many years, as well as out in other realms of the internet, as a submissive, then became a Domme, which I have done for about 5 years.
[0:38] Srilania Svoboda: For any that need to leave early, all transcripts can be found at http://collegeofkink.blogspot.com
[0:39] Srilania Svoboda: Today's lesson is on Safeword
[0:39] Srilania Svoboda: or
[0:39] Srilania Svoboda: HOW THE HELL DO I STOP THIS RIDE????
[0:39] Srilania Svoboda: And please, do feel free to ask a question during the lecture
[0:40] Srilania Svoboda: Better to ask right away and get the answer, than to wait and forget, and never know it
[0:40] Srilania Svoboda: First off, what is a safeword?
[0:41] ***SJ***: stop
[0:41] Srilania Svoboda: A safeword is a word, phrase, or action for the submissive to let the Dominant in a scene know when things are going badly for them.
[0:41] Srilania Svoboda: Yes ***SJ***?
[0:41] ***SJ***: Oh, I said that was a "safe" word
[0:42] ***SJ***: sorry to interrupt
[0:42] Srilania Svoboda: Oh. Ok
[0:42] Srilania Svoboda: This can and does include physical boundaries, emotional limits, or psychological issues.
[0:43] Srilania Svoboda: But why is a safeword neccessary, you might be asking?
[0:43] Srilania Svoboda: Yes, there is an idea that safewords aren't neccessary for submissives, pets, or slaves, or that these people have no limits and therefore don't deserve one.
[0:43] Srilania Svoboda: Safewords can be more than an all stop. They can be a signal that things are too intense, or even a willingness to go harder.
[0:43] Srilania Svoboda: Safewords are words that are chosen before play starts, and discussed so both Dominant and submissive know what words are in use.
[0:44] Srilania Svoboda: these are brought into play, so a submissive can feel free to relax and holler "No" "Stop" and "Don't", feeding a roleplay scene, or just letting the submissive feel more helpless.
[0:44] Srilania Svoboda: These words are usually not every day words, so they are distinctive enough so the partner knows they are used.
[0:44] Srilania Svoboda: Fuck me harder is NOT a good safeword
[0:44] Srilania Svoboda: Please don't beat me is not a good safeword.
[0:44] Srilania Svoboda: There are many common safewords in common usage, and usually follow a traffic light system.
[0:44] Srilania Svoboda: A red safeword is one where all play is stopped immediately, and IMMEDITE aftercare applied.
[0:45] Srilania Svoboda: When a sub calls the red safeword, something has happened.They will be in a bad place mentally, or even requiring medical attention.
[0:46] Srilania Svoboda: Yellow safewords are words used to tell the partner that limits are getting edged to, or just that the play is going too fast and hard.
[0:46] Srilania Svoboda: A green safeword is usually one that tells the parner things are just fine and dandy, or even a "Come on already, are you gonna tickle me or beat me?"
[0:47] Srilania Svoboda: Some places take this in a literal sense, using Red, Yellow and Green for safewords.
[0:47] Srilania Svoboda: From my personal experience, the only one in that list that is unsafe is the most important one, Red.
[0:47] Srilania Svoboda: In the text of chat, Red is easy to understand.
[0:47] Srilania Svoboda: But, as many try learning RL BDSM from SL, one should look at the verbal portion.
[0:47] Srilania Svoboda: Red can be mistaken for rub in a noisy place. A gagged sub cannot make themselves heard well.
[0:48] Srilania Svoboda: Everyone, in real life, put your hand over your mouths, tightly so you cannot talk, and try to say red.
[0:48] Srilania Svoboda: Go ahead
[0:48] ***PS***: mmdmm
[0:49] Srilania Svoboda: Sounds like a grunt almost, doesn't it?
[0:49] ***MK***: hai, or wead
[0:49] ***DA*** nods
[0:50] Srilania Svoboda: But the point is in a crisis situation, which calling an all stop, or red safeword, one does not want to rely on a word that can't be made out in some situations
[0:50] Srilania Svoboda: it's like having a carnival ride with an emergency stop button that simetimes won't work
[0:51] Srilania Svoboda: I have found myself that the word MAYDAY works far better, as it is a word that can be understood without changing how one speeks it.
[0:51] Srilania Svoboda: Yes, someone will have to remind me to fire my spell checker
[0:52] ***PS*** smiles
[0:52] Srilania Svoboda: Go ahead, try it.
[0:52] ***DA*** nods
[0:52] Srilania Svoboda: Notice a distinctive difference? Still muddled, but clear enough you can tell what the word is
[0:53] ***MK*** nods hai
[0:53] Srilania Svoboda: While there are a lot of clubs that use green, yellow, and red, it can be shown just how dangerous the word red is.
[0:53] Srilania Svoboda: Mind you, I do mean RL BDSM clubs and play dungeons
[0:53] Srilania Svoboda: Safewords can be used either by the submissive calling them out when needed, or the Dominant asking their condition.
[0:54] Srilania Svoboda: Sometimes, either because of noise, restraints, or the submissive drops too deep into subspace, a non verbal safeword is needed.
[0:54] Srilania Svoboda: This can be anything from a tapping, to grunting in a rhythmic fashion.
[0:54] Srilania Svoboda: A way for Dominants to do a checkin on a sub that has gone unresponsive IRL is to stick their finger in the sub's hand, and have the sub squeeze it.
[0:55] Srilania Svoboda: For Second Life, it is harder for these forms of non verbal safewords.
[0:55] ***DA***: dakneel
[0:55] Srilania Svoboda: Having them repeat one letter over and over, or have them hit any key and enter to do a checkin for safety can work.
[0:55] Srilania Svoboda: And yes, a submissive can and does go into subspaces from Second Life scening
[0:56] ***MK*** smiles wide nodding
[0:56] Srilania Svoboda: Safewords are not just for the submissive, but for the Dominant, or even an observer.
[0:56] Srilania Svoboda: For instance, a safeword could be called by an observer if the scene has gotten too intense for their comfort, and need a moment to be able to leave the vicinity of the scene.
[0:57] Srilania Svoboda: This is important in public places like House of V
[0:57] Srilania Svoboda: Or a Dominant might use one to indicate thatthe submissive is getting too carried away in a scene.
[0:57] Srilania Svoboda: This usually happens when the submissive carries on in order to get punished harder.
[0:57] Srilania Svoboda: An officer in a play space or dungeon could also use one to point out to participats if there is something wrong that neither Dominant or submissive is aware of.
[0:58] ***PS***: Hi Dracco
[0:58] Srilania Svoboda: For instance, someone's Hitatchi Magic Wand has come partly unplugged from the extension cord, and constitutes a shock hazzard
[0:59] Srilania Svoboda: Many times, a submissive feels using their safeword is bad.
[0:59] Srilania Svoboda: The most common reason is they fear using their safeword will dissappoint their Dominant.
[0:59] Srilania Svoboda: Also, some have gotten the horrible notion that safewords are topping from the bottom.
[0:59] Srilania Svoboda: These attitudes and ideas can and do cause a scene to keep going LONG after it should have been stopped.
[1:00] Srilania Svoboda: This is a major cause of breakups in the BDSM community, as the sub feels afterwards that they cannot trust their Dominant anymore.
[1:00] Srilania Svoboda: And without the pillar of Trust, a relationship cannot stand.
[1:00] Srilania Svoboda: It is of vital importance that you use your safewords when they are needed.
[1:00] Srilania Svoboda: These are a form of Communication with your play partner, and discouraging the use of them runs the risk of future scenes becoming trust breaking.
[1:00] Srilania Svoboda: Now, some relationships become so secure, where all parties know things and run like a well oiled machine.
[1:00] Srilania Svoboda: Even in these, it is important to keep the safewords as a backup, in case something unexpected happens.
[1:01] Srilania Svoboda: True story I witnessed. I was at another play area, and watched a 3 hour scene.
[1:02] Srilania Svoboda: towards the end of the first hour, the submissive, who was doing to herself what her Domme was doing to her in Second Life, accidentally dislocated her shoulder
[1:02] Srilania Svoboda: Instead of calling her safeword, and seeking medical attention, she fought through 2 hours of intense pain
[1:03] ***PS***: acks
[1:03] Srilania Svoboda: And she did not use any safeword because she felt it would dissappoint their Domme
[1:04] ***PS***: mmm
[1:04] Srilania Svoboda: She would up having some permanent damage from it, apparantly, and has since quit Second Life for fear it would happen to her again
[1:04] ***PS***: wow
[1:04] Srilania Svoboda: wound not would
[1:05] Srilania Svoboda: Some allow and demand that Stop, Don't, and No be used to stop play.
[1:05] Srilania Svoboda: While in a full and secure relationship, this could be done, it can stop a scene as it begins or be ignored as roleplaying.
[1:05] Srilania Svoboda: Which what ***SJ*** here was saying at the beginning.
[1:06] Srilania Svoboda: How many here do some form of roleplay in a BDSM scene?
[1:06] Srilania Svoboda raises her hand
[1:06] ***XK***: me too
[1:06] ***SJ***: yes
[1:06] ***MK*** raises her hand
[1:06] ***DA*** raises his hand
[1:06] ***PS*** raises her hand
[1:07] Srilania Svoboda: i bet a couple people are in IM or quietly slipped AFK, as it is a silly question for me to ask.
[1:07] ***YU*** raises her hand
[1:08] ***PS*** extends her arm fully, and orinintates it to a vertical manner
[1:09] Srilania Svoboda: Now, while you are in a secure relationship, you can probably handle Stop as a safeword, if you just assume yout play partner knows stop means stop, you CAN run the risk of that safeword getting ignored, thinking it's just part of your responses
[1:09] ***SJ***: Im not sure how she could have dislocated her shoulder though? or would she be using voice?
[1:09] ***SJ***: instead of the keyboard
[1:09] Srilania Svoboda: She kept one hand free to type, while she shackled her other hand and her ankles together
[1:10] ***SJ***: ouch
[1:10] ***MK***: if you have a priviously dislocated shoulder, it's possible to pop it out of socket, or some people have medical issue that can allow for that to happend.
[1:10] ***PS***: slipped out of her chair?
[1:10] Srilania Svoboda: She jerked wrong when she brought the flogger down on her back, and pop went the shoulder
[1:10] ***PS*** thinks that would've bene a very unpleasant pop
[1:11] ***MK***: a very simple motion like raising up form a crouched postion with a bad back and straining it, can pop your shoulder out of joint
[1:11] ***PS***: now I'm scared
[1:11] Srilania Svoboda: Joints can be fickle
[1:11] ***MK***: not that raiseing out of a crouched postioned can do that, but it's a similarity
[1:11] Srilania Svoboda: BUT I don't share that story to frighten anyone away from play
[1:12] ***PS*** nods
[1:12] Srilania Svoboda: Just to show WHY a safeword, even if you have a "No limits" relationship, is something one should try to keep with
[1:12] Srilania Svoboda: Some also insist that the Dominant be the one to monitor and keep tight control of the scene, and not allow a safeword of any kind.
[1:13] Srilania Svoboda: it is important to avoid doing this unless in a relationship with a huge ammount of trust, and it be negotiated before the scene.
[1:13] Srilania Svoboda: Also, the Dominant needs to be quite anal about safety
[1:13] Srilania Svoboda: Remember, safewords are not meant for topping from the bottom, not meant to bash someone over the head with.
[1:13] Srilania Svoboda: They are an emergency stop, just in case something goes wrong on the carnival ride you're on.
[1:14] Srilania Svoboda: Questions, opinions, feelings?
[1:14] ***MK*** raises her hand
[1:14] Srilania Svoboda: yes?
[1:14] ***MK***: what do you do about a Dom/me that doesn't give you a safeword? or is upset that you did use one? even punishing you further for it?
[1:14] ***PS***: A good slap?
[1:16] ***SJ***: thanks Srilania, i must go
[1:16] ***SJ***: sorry
[1:16] ***MK***: be well ***SJ***-san
[1:16] Srilania Svoboda: Well, it can depend on your trust and comfort level. Most times, if they refuse to allow you a safeword, you should actually consider not playing with them. Ones that discourage or even punish you more for using it are basicly stating they do not witsh communication with you, and therefore don't want a relationship. Without a foundation of communication, there cannot be Love, Trust, or Understanding
[1:16] ***SJ***: yw
[1:16] Srilania Svoboda: Please feel free to feed the Teacher. I eat Linden Dollars as well as most types of blood, and the occasional stray victim!
[1:17] ***MK***: i've actually got 3 more questions Aijin.
[1:17] Srilania Svoboda: Thank you ***DA***
[1:17] ***DA*** nods
[1:17] Srilania Svoboda: of course
[1:17] ***MK***: what if you have a certain kind of play? like food play, where bananna is yellow, apple is red, and lime is green, if these are your privious safewords, and you enter in to such a play, should you always have a back up set? or discuss it before?
[1:18] ***XK***: great question
[1:18] ***PS***: Discuss it before starting the scene
[1:18] Srilania Svoboda: one should discuss it beforehand. BUT, considering Red is not a really safe word to rely on, it's better to have oddball words
[1:18] ***MK***: domo arigato.
[1:18] ***MK***: well i ment that apple is the red safty word
[1:19] ***MK***: since so many use fruits and food as a safeword i've seen
[1:19] Srilania Svoboda: One girl I knew had Aardvark, Palomino, and Mayday for her words
[1:20] ***MK***: what if your in an interrogation play? and your role would typically use the word Mayday?
[1:21] Srilania Svoboda: if you find that your role is going to require a word you normally use as a safeword, you should again neotiate beforehand, and make sure either another word is used for the role, or another safeword is chosen
[1:21] ***DA***: Miss Srilania?
[1:21] ***MK*** nods
[1:21] Srilania Svoboda: Yes ***DA***?
[1:22] ***DA***: I wanted to say that I have made the mistake of thinking that using my safe word was a failure on my part
[1:22] ***DA***: That ultimalty the result was much worse as you point out
[1:22] Srilania Svoboda: It's a common thing ***DA***, to feel calling a safeword is a failure. It's not
[1:23] ***DA***: I understand that now, it took a very hard lesson for me to learn
[1:24] Srilania Svoboda: Sometimes, it's just something that needs an adjustment. One RL partner I had called her safeword. Turned out the knot on her wrists had shifted some, and had cut off blood flow to her hands. Within 2 seconds she was freed
[1:24] Svetlana Qinan: oop, I've gotta go. Thx Sri! :)
[1:24] Srilania Svoboda: But within 5 minutes, she asked if we could continue the scene
[1:25] Srilania Svoboda: Sometimes, it's just a "Hey, there is a problem here I need play stop to fix"
[1:25] ***MK***: be well svetlana-san.
[1:25] Svetlana Qinan: thx :)
[1:25] Svetlana Qinan: night!
[1:26] ***MK***: what about those who claim there are no limits? would you think it be insistant that there always be a safeword involed from the Dom/me or sub/slave? how would a Sub/Slave insist on this? with often feeling pressure to follow the command of a Dom/me?
[1:26] Srilania Svoboda: Well, personally, one that has abolutely no limits is probably new, inexperienced, or lying
[1:26] ***MK*** ndos
[1:27] Srilania Svoboda: Thank you Xenos
[1:27] Srilania Svoboda: EVERYONE has some kind of limit
[1:27] ***MK***: i saved my most important question for last.
[1:27] Srilania Svoboda: But, it's pretty easy. if you insist on a safeword and your partner refuses, just refuse to play with them
[1:27] ***MK*** nods
[1:28] ***MK***: like with the shoulder dislocation, how should things like aftercare be handled through SL? and what do you recomend telling a doctor of the possible marks you may have recieved if you need medical care?
[1:28] Srilania Svoboda: Aftercare in SL is much like RL, and will be a future class I will be doing, probably next week
[1:28] ***MK*** nods
[1:29] Srilania Svoboda: And usually, most doctors understand these things. besides, a dislocated shoulder is pretty common
[1:30] ***MK***: hai, the intial reason your there i can see being easy to hide, but if you have flogger marks, and or into needle play and such.
[1:30] Srilania Svoboda: Fortunately, such incidents where RL medical attention from SL play is rare
[1:30] ***MK***: it could become a serious issue.
[1:30] ***MK***: well this is also for RL plays as well as SL plays that i ask this question
[1:31] ***MK***: any reason you may need to go to the hospital form BDSM related injurys actually
[1:31] Srilania Svoboda: Aye. It can be rough, as it CAN be fussed over in the Bible belt of the US
[1:31] ***PS***: Be truthful
[1:31] Srilania Svoboda: If a Doctor starts fussing about whipmarks, be honest, but also not blatant.
[1:32] ***DA*** thinks you must always trust your Doctor, you have no choice, your life depends on it.
[1:32] Srilania Svoboda: Just say you were into some kinky sex and had an accident. Most times, that is all that is needed
[1:32] ***MK*** ndos
[1:32] ***MK***: nods*
[1:33] ***PS***: if you are able to speak, you are one the better diagnostic tools a physician has
[1:33] Srilania Svoboda: Mind you, some Doctors try thinking BDSM is abuse and starts making calls.
[1:33] Srilania Svoboda: If he starts, you inform him or her that they are violating Doctor/Patient Confidentiality, and CAN lose their license to practice medicine
[1:34] ***MK***: so you can say that and that would be true?
[1:34] ***PS***: Yes.
[1:35] Srilania Svoboda: It's Federal law in most countries that what is said between a doctor and their patient is confidential
[1:35] ***PS***: dependant in which state your are in.
[1:35] ***MK***: domo arigato Aijin.
[1:35] ***MK***: and ***DA***, and Peanut-chan
[1:35] Srilania Svoboda: Any further questions?
[1:35] ***MK***: none from me.
[1:36] ***DA***: There maybe an execption if teh Doctor is sure your life is at risk or that you dont have the facality to make your own decesions about your health. its a big risk for the doctor though
[1:36] Srilania Svoboda: There is that exception, but most MD's are loathe to make that call, as they know JUST what is on the line if they are wrong
[1:36] ***PS***: Aijin, how would you change a safeword during play?
[1:37] Srilania Svoboda: You do not
[1:37] ***PS*** nods
[1:37] Srilania Svoboda: You either stick to the agreed upon safeword, OR you stop play and renegotiate the safeword
[1:38] ***PS***: Aye Aijin
[1:38] Srilania Svoboda: That IS a valid question, by the way
[1:38] ***PS*** smiles
[1:38] ***MK***: I have another question actually. just came to me.
[1:39] Srilania Svoboda: You might be in the middle of play and find that the safeword you agreed upon isn't working.
[1:39] Srilania Svoboda: Question?
[1:40] ***MK***: yes, what if you've been through a play where your safeword was not heard, or misunderstood? how do you deal with that? also what if it was flat out ignored, besides leaveing the dom/me, how do you deal with the broken trust?
[1:41] Srilania Svoboda: Well, if they ignored the safeword, COMMUNICATE. There is the possibility that the word was not heard. However, in the context of BDSM in SL, there is almost no excuse other than Linden Labs jigging the lag button again, and one SHOULD consider stopping play or realing that person entirely.
[1:42] Srilania Svoboda: But, also, to make sure nothing like that happens, just repeat your safeword over and over till heard
[1:42] Srilania Svoboda: like this
[1:42] Srilania Svoboda: MAYDAY
[1:42] Srilania Svoboda: MAYDAY
[1:42] Srilania Svoboda: MAYDAY
[1:42] ***MK***: and if nothing happends?
[1:43] Srilania Svoboda: If they keep on going?
[1:43] ***MK***: yes
[1:43] ***MK***: i figure leaveing the scene, or loggin gout. and leaveing them.
[1:43] ***MK***: but, i wonder about the aftermath you'd be scared to do it again
[1:43] Srilania Svoboda: Well, if they keep ignoring it after about 12-20 times of saying it, get away from them as they are not going to ever listen
[1:43] Srilania Svoboda: And yes, best bet is to leave them if they do it that bad.
[1:44] ***MK***: and i mean do it again, with anyone, not just that one person
[1:45] Srilania Svoboda: In that case, your best bet is to let others know about this as well. Places like House of V have staff that can help deal with these situations
[1:46] Srilania Svoboda: Any other questions?
[1:46] ***MK***: i have no more questions Aijin.
[1:47] Srilania Svoboda: Well, if that's all, I'll see everyone next week, or thursday morn for the 7am repeat of this class
[1:48] ***PS*** smiles
[1:48] Srilania Svoboda: ***MK***, please notcard this class for the College of kink website
[1:48] ***DA***: Thank you Miss Srilania, I learned much from your class. Will try to attend again
[1:48] Srilania Svoboda: It's every tuesday at midnight thirty and thurdsday at 7am. I also do private lessons and councelling