[2008/11/21 13:06] Pirate Russell: Ok, please take all cross talk to IM, and all collar, etc commands to the secondary channels!
[2008/11/21 13:06] Pirate Russell: Welcome to House of V's College of Kink! As most of y'all know, My name is Pirate Russell, Head Mistress of the College, and today's instructor. I have been in SL for 3 years, a lesbian Domme, the entire time.
[2008/11/21 13:06] Pirate Russell: For any that need to leave early, all transcripts can be found at http://collegeofkink.blogspot.com
[2008/11/21 13:07] Pirate Russell: Today's class is about 'When Should a submissive say 'No'"
[2008/11/21 13:07] Pirate Russell: Many situations come up in BDSM, both RL and in SL, that can be potentially dangerous if not done competently and correctly. In both, negotiation before, and communication during and after is paramount.
[2008/11/21 13:07] Pirate Russell: Today We are addressing the communication side of this primarily.
[2008/11/21 13:07] Pirate Russell: As a submissive you've given most or all of the control over to the Dominant when a scene starts.
[2008/11/21 13:07] Pirate Russell: Unfortunately... sometimes the Dominant is not always as careful or knowledgeable as a boy or girl might hope. And mistakes do happen.
[2008/11/21 13:08] Pirate Russell: Yes, the word, "No", itself is very negative to some and for some Dominants is a starndard rule to never be used. So, let's start with that.
[2008/11/21 13:08] Pirate Russell: Saying the word 'NO' is not the primary focus, but the reasons a submissive would need or want to say no, no matter how it is put into words.
[2008/11/21 13:08] Pirate Russell: As respect is very key within a D/s relationship, am sure that most D/s relationships will have a knowledge or rule on how to GO ABOUT saying "No'.
[2008/11/21 13:08] Pirate Russell: The question of should a submissive say 'NO' begins with HOW a submissive should say no if the need arises.
[2008/11/21 13:09] Pirate Russell: "Please, Mistress,
[2008/11/21 13:09] Pirate Russell: Also to the submissives, I would like to explain that simply saying 'NO' also does not help from the standpoint that there is no real communication by just saying 'NO' without an explanation.
[2008/11/21 13:09] Pirate Russell: you chose to be their submissive, and should learn how to communicate best with your Dominant.
[2008/11/21 13:10] Pirate Russell: 'NO' can be taken as rebellion, a challenge and disrespectful. Often times, is disregarded in urgency because it IS lacking real communication.
[2008/11/21 13:10] Pirate Russell: Traffic light safewords (red for full stop, yellow for caution) seem to help cover some of these circumstances. Then you can scream 'no' all you like. ;-)
[2008/11/21 13:10] Pirate Russell: No matter the form of address, yes a submissive has a right to say no, BUT in whatever form is best to address it with their Dominant, if the word itself is denied, but ALWAYS include communication.
[2008/11/21 13:10] Pirate Russell: Yes, I said the "C" word EARLY this week! ie: "Please, Mistress, No. That is breaching girl's limit" or "Please, Mistress, No, that is hurting too much.
[2008/11/21 13:11] Pirate Russell: I would also like to point out that using safewords is important in times of danger. include that in your statement to stop a scene or to open communication, so that the plea is NOT taken as part of the scene. This is part of safe, sane, and consensual.
[2008/11/21 13:11] Pirate Russell: Some of us like to push limits and may not know ahead of time what we can handle, playing with limits is intense, and haphazard communication strategies are dangerous if you're going that far.
[2008/11/21 13:11] Pirate Russell: A Dominant should ask the submissive often during a scene how they are doing, especially if speaking is forbidden, and especially if the submissives is in sub-space!
[2008/11/21 13:11] Pirate Russell: Green is "great, keep going, Master/Mistress!"
[2008/11/21 13:12] Pirate Russell: Yellow is "am uncomfortable or unsure, maybe need to slow down, Master/Mistress."
[2008/11/21 13:12] Pirate Russell: Red is "STOP & RELEASE" PERIOD. and open the communication!
[2008/11/21 13:12] Pirate Russell: If gagged, use a bell PLEASE. Green is 3 rings Yellow is 2 rings Red is 1 ring **why this order? because in panic or pain....one ring may be all one can muster!
[2008/11/21 13:13] Pirate Russell: Even in SL, when people are in deep RP....this can be used.
[2008/11/21 13:13] Pirate Russell: There are many dominants that refuse safe words even....and that is one of the priorities of awareness in the saying no
[2008/11/21 13:13] Pirate Russell: Personally, any Dominant that refuses a safe word, or refuses open communication, even in a Total Power Exchange relationship, is NOT a true dominant and does not care for their submissives or their safety.
[2008/11/21 13:13] Pirate Russell: Even when gagged, a submissive should have a SOUND signal to alert the Dominant that the submissive is in danger. Eye or hand signals are NOT enough. Remember the bell. Even when the hands are bound. BUT that is ANOTHER class *giggles*
[2008/11/21 13:13] Pirate Russell: If there is a real need to stop through any reason, a safeword really is the thing to say which should be followed by discussion about how the slave is.
[2008/11/21 13:14] ***BH***'s collar (chest): ***BH*** 's ZPToys ready!
[2008/11/21 13:14] Pirate Russell: This should include what did the Dominant do wrong or what the submissive experienced to cause the stoppage of the scene.
[2008/11/21 13:14] Pirate Russell: It isn't always the Dominant in the wrong, it is sometimes something personal with the submissive. Limits can change, do change!
[2008/11/21 13:15] Pirate Russell: If a submissive is in IMMEDIATE danger or their limits are being breached, they should be able to say NO in whatever shape or form that it needs to be spoken.
[2008/11/21 13:15] Pirate Russell: The absence of a willingness to have a safeword or to dicuss it may be a very useful indicator for any sub when considering a potential Dominant
[2008/11/21 13:15] Pirate Russell: Especially in SL, a sub CAN deny their Master/Mistresses wish, however it is not constructive to just refuse without an explaination
[2008/11/21 13:16] Pirate Russell: Neither a submissive nor a Dominant should do anything, just because one or the other like to do it, if that behavior is highly unsafe.
[2008/11/21 13:16] Pirate Russell: The mental or physical health of either or both individuals is being or might be harmed. THIS situation demands then to proceed to stopping a scene, questioning and discussing.
[2008/11/21 13:16] Pirate Russell: Sometimes just questioning will be enough to clear things up and the scene can progress to a great ending.
[2008/11/21 13:17] Pirate Russell: Mistakes happen though, a rope might twist in a squirm and cut off circulation. It isn't anyone's fault, just something that happens, not a case of a poor Dominant, or submissive.
[2008/11/21 13:17] Pirate Russell: A "scene review" should always be part of the play. Whether there was a safeword used or not. Always, and a submissive should be able to say No there too.
[2008/11/21 13:17] Pirate Russell: submissives, remember, Though We may be your Dominant, We ARE NOT mind readers. It is your responsibility to say something if things are going south.
[2008/11/21 13:18] bunny's pet: Katelyn is allowed to edit or rez
[2008/11/21 13:18] Pirate Russell: Also remember, there is very little difference in the facial expressions of being in pain and being in ecstacy. *chuckles*, ESPECIALLY in SL.
[2008/11/21 13:18] Pirate Russell: The point is that taking on a sub is a great opportunity to take care of a person's deep, inner needs and curiousity's. The rules should be set ahead of time, and a scene-review later is is important too.
[2008/11/21 13:19] Pirate Russell: Ok, please take all cross talk to IM, and all collar, etc commands to the secondary channels!
[2008/11/21 13:19] Pirate Russell: EEp, going to copy and paste for the end, hang on one
[2008/11/21 13:20] Pirate Russell: Using a safe word, calling a scene to stop, opening communication, or in a discussion, saying No, should not be taken as telling the Dominant what to do or not to do or topping from the bottom.
[2008/11/21 13:20] Pirate Russell: It is the responsibility of both the Dominant and the submissive to communicate why, what the fear is, or if there is a true safety danger, Both should respect that. Safe, Sane and Consensual is key in any D/s relationship.
[2008/11/21 13:21] Pirate Russell: All transcripts can be found at http://collegeofkink.blogspot.com
[2008/11/21 13:21] Pirate Russell: College of Kink classes Monday & Tuesday @ 7a, Thursday @ Midnight:30 and 10a and Friday 1p.
[2008/11/21 13:21] Pirate Russell: Or check Search/Events and type in College
[2008/11/21 13:21] Pirate Russell: Comments, Questions?
[2008/11/21 13:21] ***SS***: Aye.
[2008/11/21 13:22] ***SS***: I've found as one that practices IRL, Red is hard to make out, depending upon the conditions of the scene
[2008/11/21 13:23] Pirate Russell: I can understand that, I'm sure customized safe words, that are 'important' to the participants are better
[2008/11/21 13:23] Pirate Russell is "only" a Cyber-Domme
[2008/11/21 13:23] ***SS***: I usually use what i was taught to use. Mayday, as one can be gagged and still be understood
[2008/11/21 13:24] Pirate Russell: Yes, and I used to work with police with radios, multi sylable words are usually better understood, too!
[2008/11/21 13:24] Pirate Russell: Very good point, BIRTHDAY GIRL!
[2008/11/21 13:24] ***SS*** smiles
[2008/11/21 13:25] ***SS***: Also, I know from both sides of the fence that sometimes a sub can feel intimidated or even try to push past when to safeword
[2008/11/21 13:25] Pirate Russell: Maybe W/we all need to give Sirilania some birthday spanks, after class? he he
[2008/11/21 13:26] Pirate Russell: Yes that pesky "Desire to Please" thing, huh?
[2008/11/21 13:26] ***IM***: it is hard to even think about safewording. as a sub we want to trust our Domme and it does feel disrespectful to "say no" in any form.
[2008/11/21 13:26] ***AB***: so a sub should never feel intimated?
[2008/11/21 13:26] ***KC*** nods
[2008/11/21 13:26] ***SS***: Aye. it goes back to the fact Dominants are not mind readers
[2008/11/21 13:27] Pirate Russell: First ,***IM***, I TELL My girls to say no, in My very first rule....
[2008/11/21 13:27] ***SS***: Well, the issue is the fact that a GOOD Dominant would rather you tell us something is wrong, so we can correct it
[2008/11/21 13:27] Pirate Russell: Rule 1b) Since this is a "game", if you're not having fun, tell Me, we'll do something else, or we'll play separately for a while, or for good. But please TELL ME!
[2008/11/21 13:28] Pirate Russell: That's right after RL comes first, and were I a RL Domme, it would be the same thing
[2008/11/21 13:29] Pirate Russell: And yes, ***SS***, I can't read My hubby of 7yrs mind, in RL, I sure can't do it thru the plain text on a computer
[2008/11/21 13:29] ***IM***: It's not just about hard limits. Soft limits get pushed all the time to help us grow as subs. So some discomfort is expected. But the line of when to say no is hard to see, it can go by so fast.
[2008/11/21 13:30] ***SS***: Aye, it can be hard sometimes
[2008/11/21 13:30] Pirate Russell: Well, as girl, bunny, ***BH***, and ***KC*** know, I want it to be FUN, when your scene becomes un fun, call it!!
[2008/11/21 13:30] ***SS***: That's why the panic safeword is good. Lets you stop play IMMEDIATELY, and get things cooled down and discussed
[2008/11/21 13:31] Pirate Russell: I do know that fun for ***BH*** is being beaten, and for Me fun is beating her, so fun IS subjective
[2008/11/21 13:31] ***IM*** giggles
[2008/11/21 13:31] ***BH*** smiles
[2008/11/21 13:31] Pirate Russell: And just because "Red" is called that doesn't mean the night's over, either. Restarts ARE legal in BDSM! he he
[2008/11/21 13:31] ***SS***: Sometimes don't even need a full restart
[2008/11/21 13:32] ***SS***: Just rewind and do over where it started getting into problems
[2008/11/21 13:32] Pirate Russell: Right, a pick it up 1 step back ,and do XYZ instead of ABC
[2008/11/21 13:32] Pirate Russell: SpeakEasy HUD detaching...
[2008/11/21 13:33] ***SS***: But it is important in BDSM to speak up when things get too much
[2008/11/21 13:33] ***IM***: Another problem is when girls enter subspace. girls aren't aware that lines are even being crossed then. And by the time girl has come down, it's way too late.
[2008/11/21 13:33] Pirate Russell: Yes, and that will never be the same spot as last time, or next time. Even submissives are human.... renzor notwithstanding... he he
[2008/11/21 13:33] ***SS***: Even if everything but one lil thing is perfect, that one little thing could turn a great scene into one of the worst you've ever had
[2008/11/21 13:34] ***IM*** nods to Miss ***SS***
[2008/11/21 13:34] Pirate Russell has screwed up many a-scene
[2008/11/21 13:34] Pirate Russell: and as for sub-space, ***IM*** I agree, that's why Dominants should ASK repeatedly if the submissive is doing ok
[2008/11/21 13:35] ***SS***: Aye. constant safety checks. Can even be wovn into the scene itself
[2008/11/21 13:35] Pirate Russell: As Zealot said at My last class, there's IS Dom(me)-space, too. it makes him more aware of what's up with his sub
[2008/11/21 13:36] ***SS***: Aye, every sub I tell that to is surprised there is such a thing as Dommespace
[2008/11/21 13:36] Pirate Russell has only hit Dom(me) space once, and it was an odd thing, but I was hyper aware
[2008/11/21 13:37] ***SS***: Aye. I've hit it a few times
[2008/11/21 13:38] Pirate Russell: And it was here in SL, never experienced ANYthing like it in RL
[2008/11/21 13:38] ***SS***: And no, it's actually easier to describe subspace than Dommespace
[2008/11/21 13:38] Pirate Russell: or more accurately as the reslut of a RL episode
[2008/11/21 13:39] ***SS***: But, still, as every class I've attended points out. COMMUNICATE
[2008/11/21 13:39] ***KC*** nods her head enthusiastically
[2008/11/21 13:40] Pirate Russell: ***SS***, as My girls over there, and the regulars will tell you, I PREACH the "C" word EVERY class, no matter what!
[2008/11/21 13:41] ***SS***: Well, I've seen it the biggest root cause of problems, and the biggest complaint. It cannot be emphasised enough
[2008/11/21 13:41] Pirate Russell: Well, I took this job for one reason, that's to let subbies know they have R I G H T S!
[2008/11/21 13:41] Pirate Russell: The communication thing has popped up in EVERY Class
[2008/11/21 13:42] ***IM*** nods
[2008/11/21 13:42] Pirate Russell: I've been doing this since what, July, 2x a week?
[2008/11/21 13:42] ***KC*** nods again
[2008/11/21 13:42] ***SS***: tis one thing that annoys me. I get girls that come to me, then when i try to explain they have rights, I get a blank stare as if I spoke Martian or something
[2008/11/21 13:42] Pirate Russell: BTW, while I'm thinking about it, NO class next Fri, it's Thanksgiving weekend in the US, and My kids will be here, hence, no SL for Pirate. 'till they go to bed.... he he
[2008/11/21 13:43] ***IM***: And the importance of communicating has come up in almost every conversation about D/s relationships outside of class this girl has had.
[2008/11/21 13:43] Pirate Russell: Are your girls avail for class next tues abut 7aslt?
[2008/11/21 13:44] Pirate Russell: baby, EVERY releationship, D/s or Vanilla, RL or SL, takes MASSIVE COMMUNICATION!
[2008/11/21 13:44] ***IM*** nods
[2008/11/21 13:44] ***KC*** nods
[2008/11/21 13:45] ***SS***: Even friendships require it
[2008/11/21 13:45] Pirate Russell: Even most "Enemy-ship" do!
[2008/11/21 13:45] ***SS***: but with what we do, it is the singe most important thing
[2008/11/21 13:45] ***IM***: there is no relationship without communication.
[2008/11/21 13:45] Pirate Russell: How many times have we wonderd "Why am I pissed at him?"
[2008/11/21 13:45] ***KC*** agrees with ***IM***
[2008/11/21 13:47] ***SS***: Not just because we are in a relationship either. Some things we do can cause harm, and if it's causing harm, we need to know it
[2008/11/21 13:47] ***BH*** nods
[2008/11/21 13:47] Pirate Russell: Yes, a Dominant can see that something physically hurts SOMEtimes, but the emotional hurt is MUCH more important!
[2008/11/21 13:48] ***IM***: Is there a trick to staying aware enough to see that one's limits are being reached in a scene and that it's time to say "no?" Haveing an observer was mentioned last time.
[2008/11/21 13:48] Pirate Russell: Yes, a chaperone, or referee can help with that
[2008/11/21 13:48] ***SS***: Observer, play forms for all around, safety checks
[2008/11/21 13:48] ***IM***: And it's all emotional hurt here, and much harder to see.
[2008/11/21 13:49] ***IM***: play forms, Miss?
[2008/11/21 13:49] ***BH***: q&a cards, sis
[2008/11/21 13:49] ***IM***: Oh.
[2008/11/21 13:49] ***SS***: I actually use a BDSM checklist for people I play with, to make sure I'm hitting the right spots in a scene, and avoiding the bad spots
[2008/11/21 13:50] ***SS***: RL and SL, actually
[2008/11/21 13:50] ***IM***: Okay, girl sees.
[2008/11/21 13:50] ***BH*** has filled out some loooong ones lol
[2008/11/21 13:50] Pirate Russell: he he
[2008/11/21 13:50] ***KC***: does Miss mean the huge list of likes, dislikes and limits
[2008/11/21 13:50] ***SS***: Aye.
[2008/11/21 13:51] Pirate Russell: As a Domme, they're a pain to wade thru, though, I've actually taken some to a spreadsheet so I can order them by the "like" value
[2008/11/21 13:51] ***BH***: one of the SL cards floating around came from a RL SM website. girl recognised the questions
[2008/11/21 13:51] ***IM*** nods
[2008/11/21 13:51] ***SS***: Well, i've trained to it, and have regular reviews
[2008/11/21 13:52] ***SS***: Even revamped and switched forms as the needs go differently
[2008/11/21 13:53] ***BH***: it needs to be a fluid thing - tastes change all the time
[2008/11/21 13:53] ***IM***: Of course it's still the subs resonsiblity to watch for things and say no.
[2008/11/21 13:54] ***SS***: Aye. I use it as a rough guide, adjusting as I see and gauge reactions. It is not a concrete thing
[2008/11/21 13:54] Pirate Russell: The responsibility belongs to U/us both, love
[2008/11/21 13:54] Pirate Russell: BECAUSE of subspace
[2008/11/21 13:54] ***SS***: A sub may not even be aware of an issue because of subspace
[2008/11/21 13:55] ***IM***: exactly.
[2008/11/21 13:55] ***SS***: This is why the Dominant also has responsibility
[2008/11/21 13:55] ***BH***: the best scenes are where there's a relationship between sub and Dom/me were the Dom/me knows their victim well enough to KNOW what they can handle
[2008/11/21 13:55] Pirate Russell: That's why the Dominant, or Observer needs to be aware (if they're used)
[2008/11/21 13:55] ***IM***: That's why girl was wondering how to stay aware, and react fast enough to prevent getting hurt.
[2008/11/21 13:55] ***SS***: We're trusted by the submissive to take them into that high, floaty place, safely.
[2008/11/21 13:56] ***IM*** nods
[2008/11/21 13:56] ***SS***: But again, that's why the safety checks
[2008/11/21 13:57] Pirate Russell: That's part of that integrety and trust that We must earn from y'all!
[2008/11/21 13:57] ***BH***: not too many tho - girl's been in scenes where the phrase "i'm fine, just bloody hit me" has crossed her mind more than once
[2008/11/21 13:57] ***IM*** laughs out loud
[2008/11/21 13:58] ***BH***: (not with Mistress, tho lol)
[2008/11/21 13:58] ***SS***: Well, a safety check can be as simple as reaffirming the sub's safeword
[2008/11/21 13:58] Pirate Russell puts Her quirt back, but I understand, bat
[2008/11/21 13:59] Pirate Russell: ***SS***, can a safety check 'ruin' subspace?
[2008/11/21 13:59] Pirate Russell has no experience with subspace, so I really dunno.
[2008/11/21 13:59] ***SS***: Sometimes it can, if one does too many, and especially if they stop play to do them
[2008/11/21 14:00] ***BH*** nods
[2008/11/21 14:00] ***IM***: Not as much as crossing a limit, though.
[2008/11/21 14:00] Pirate Russell: That makes DOLLARS to me (A lot of sense)
[2008/11/21 14:00] ***SS***: Sometimes a simple, "Are you enjoying yourself, girl?" and expecting a shake or nod is all it takes
[2008/11/21 14:01] ***BH***: depends, sis..if the aim of the scene was to cross a limit and hike the sub into space, then safety checks can be ntrusive...that's when you rely on the Dom/me's knowledge of you and your trust in Them is all important
[2008/11/21 14:01] Pirate Russell has busted a limit once or twice, and I KNOW it's not any fun for the submissive, it's NO fun for a decent Dominant, either!
[2008/11/21 14:02] ***SS***: I HATE HATE HATE stepping over a limit by accident
[2008/11/21 14:03] Pirate Russell: me too, I did it once, won't go into detal, but it was like 6months ago, and it STILL HURTS, and it was an SL limit, I didn't injure anyone
[2008/11/21 14:03] ***SS***: But, sometimes things can creshendo just wrong, and cause an unexpected limit
[2008/11/21 14:03] Pirate Russell: Absolutely, and what's cool today, might be WAY past a hard limit tomorrow
[2008/11/21 14:03] ***BH***: aye, one badly placed whack is all it takes.
[2008/11/21 14:03] Pirate Russell: that's why the COMMUNICATION is paramount
[2008/11/21 14:03] ***SS***: Actually had that happen to me this week, pirate
[2008/11/21 14:04] Pirate Russell: So sorry, hun
[2008/11/21 14:05] ***SS***: Well, the girl didn't call her safeword, and after the scene did not communicate to me about it. So, again, communication is key
[2008/11/21 14:05] Pirate Russell: Yes, yes YES!
[2008/11/21 14:05] ***IM*** nods
[2008/11/21 14:06] Pirate Russell: subbies, remember from the D/s 101, class that there is a difference between Submisison and Abuse, and between Hurt and Injure!
[2008/11/21 14:07] ***SS*** nods
[2008/11/21 14:08] Pirate Russell: Well, our time's about up, is there anyone that has anything else?
[2008/11/21 14:08] ***KC*** shakes her head
[2008/11/21 14:09] Pirate Russell: Ok, gilrs strip for the gang bang, and class dismissed!
[2008/11/21 14:09] Pirate Russell whispers: LOL
[2008/11/21 14:10] Pirate Russell: LOL
[2008/11/21 14:10] ***KC*** giggles
[2008/11/21 14:10] ***BH***: /e gigles
[2008/11/21 14:10] ***KC***: great disscussion Miss
[2008/11/21 14:11] Pirate Russell: Thanks, hun, every time I think about dropping to one class a week, or to do different topics at each class, I end up with such different discussions, I cn'at do it
[2008/11/21 14:11] ***KC*** smiles
[2008/11/21 14:11] ***IM*** nods. Some of these classes cover too much for a single hour.
[2008/11/21 14:12] ***KC*** is very glad
[2008/11/21 14:12] ***SS***: Maybe more classes are needed
[2008/11/21 14:12] Pirate Russell: Yes, ***SS***, we ended up with a DISCUSSION of subspace last Tues, and I got a subby student gonna give a talk on just that
[2008/11/21 14:13] ***SS***: Please, just call me ***SS***
[2008/11/21 14:13] Pirate Russell: Ok, I'll do it ***SS***!
[2008/11/21 14:13] Pirate Russell: he he
[2008/11/21 14:14] ***SS*** giggles
[2008/11/21 14:14] Pirate Russell: !hug ***SS***
[2008/11/21 14:14] HelloMultiTool-v7 (hug/kiss/goto/etc): You have offered to hug ***SS***.
[2008/11/21 14:14] Pirate gives ***SS*** a big hug.
[2008/11/21 14:14] Pirate Russell: Dont' make it another year before we trip over one another again!
[2008/11/21 14:14] ***VT***: It's the first time I attended this class and I found it very enlightening!
[2008/11/21 14:14] ***SS***: You kidding? I'm a gold member
[2008/11/21 14:14] ***VT***: Thank you very much Miss Pirate!
[2008/11/21 14:15] ***KC***: thanks so much Miss
[2008/11/21 14:15] Pirate Russell: I'm an officer and a Gold Member, though the club is usually too laggy
[2008/11/21 14:15] ***IM***: Thank You, Miss ***SS***
[2008/11/21 14:15] Pirate Russell: My pleasure ***VT***, and ***KC***
[2008/11/21 14:15] ***SS***: Thank you ***IM***
No comments:
Post a Comment