[2008/11/18 7:12] Pirate Russell: Welcome to House of V's College of Kink! As most of y'all know, My name is Pirate Russell, Head Mistress of the College, and today's instructor. I have been in SL for 3 years, a lesbian Domme, the entire time.
[2008/11/18 7:12] Pirate Russell: For any that need to leave early, all transcripts can be found at http://collegeofkink.blogspot.com
[2008/11/18 7:12] Pirate Russell: Today's class is about 'When Should a submissive say 'No'"
[2008/11/18 7:12] Pirate Russell: Many situations come up in BDSM, both RL and in SL, that can be potentially dangerous if not done competently and correctly. In both, negotiation before, and communication during and after is paramount.
[2008/11/18 7:12] Pirate Russell: Today We are addressing the communication side of this primarily.
[2008/11/18 7:13] Pirate Russell: As a submissive you've given most or all of the control over to the Dominant when a scene starts.
[2008/11/18 7:13] Pirate Russell: Unfortunately... sometimes the Dominant is not always as careful or knowledgeable as a boy or girl might hope. And mistakes do happen.
[2008/11/18 7:13] Pirate Russell: Yes, the word, "No", itself is very negative to some and for some Dominants is a starndard rule to never be used. So, let's start with that.
[2008/11/18 7:13] Pirate Russell: Saying the word 'NO' is not the primary focus, but the reasons a submissive would need or want to say no, no matter how it is put into words.
[2008/11/18 7:14] Pirate Russell: As respect is very key within a D/s relationship, am sure that most D/s relationships will have a knowledge or rule on how to GO ABOUT saying "No'.
[2008/11/18 7:14] Pirate Russell: The question of should a submissive say 'NO' begins with HOW a submissive should say no if the need arises.
[2008/11/18 7:14] Pirate Russell: "Please, Mistress,
[2008/11/18 7:15] Pirate Russell: Also to the submissives, I would like to explain that simply saying 'NO' also does not help from the standpoint that there is no real communication by just saying 'NO' without an explanation.
[2008/11/18 7:15] Pirate Russell: you chose to be their submissive, and should learn how to communicate best with your Dominant.
[2008/11/18 7:15] Pirate Russell: 'NO' can be taken as rebellion, a challenge and disrespectful. Often times, is disregarded in urgency because it IS lacking real communication.
[2008/11/18 7:15] Pirate Russell: Traffic light safewords (red for full stop, yellow for caution) seem to help cover some of these circumstances. Then you can scream 'no' all you like. ;-)
[2008/11/18 7:16] Pirate Russell: No matter the form of address, yes a submissive has a right to say no, BUT in whatever form is best to address it with their Dominant, if the word itself is denied, but ALWAYS include communication.
[2008/11/18 7:16] Pirate Russell: Yes, I said the "C" word EARLY this week! ie: "Please, Mistress, No. That is breaching girl's limit" or "Please, Mistress, No, that is hurting too much.
[2008/11/18 7:16] Pirate Russell: I would also like to point out that using safewords is important in times of danger. include that in your statement to stop a scene or to open communication, so that the plea is NOT taken as part of the scene. This is part of safe, sane, and consensual.
[2008/11/18 7:17] Pirate Russell: Some of us like to push limits and may not know ahead of time what we can handle, playing with limits is intense, and haphazard communication strategies are dangerous if you're going that far.
[2008/11/18 7:17] Pirate Russell: A Dominant should ask the submissive often during a scene how they are doing, especially if speaking is forbidden, and especially if the submissives is in sub-space!
[2008/11/18 7:17] Pirate Russell: Green is "great, keep going, Master/Mistress!"
[2008/11/18 7:17] Pirate Russell: Yellow is "am uncomfortable or unsure, maybe need to slow down, Master/Mistress."
[2008/11/18 7:17] Pirate Russell: Red is "STOP & RELEASE" PERIOD. and open the communication!
[2008/11/18 7:18] Pirate Russell: If gagged, use a bell PLEASE. Green is 3 rings Yellow is 2 rings Red is 1 ring **why this order? because in panic or pain....one ring may be all one can muster!
[2008/11/18 7:18] Pirate Russell: Even in SL, when people are in deep RP....this can be used.
[2008/11/18 7:18] Pirate Russell: ((well not the bell)) he he
[2008/11/18 7:18] Pirate Russell: There are many dominants that refuse safe words even....and that is one of the priorities of awareness in the saying no
[2008/11/18 7:19] Pirate Russell: Personally, any Dominant that refuses a safe word, or refuses open communication, even in a Total Power Exchange relationship, is NOT a true dominant and does not care for their submissives or their safety.
[2008/11/18 7:19] Pirate Russell: Even when gagged, a submissive should have a SOUND signal to alert the Dominant that the submissive is in danger. Eye or hand signals are NOT enough. Remember the bell. Even when the hands are bound. BUT that is ANOTHER class *giggles*
[2008/11/18 7:19] Pirate Russell: If there is a real need to stop through any reason, a safeword really is the thing to say which should be followed by discussion about how the slave is.
[2008/11/18 7:19] Pirate Russell: This should include what did the Dominant do wrong or what the submissive experienced to cause the stoppage of the scene.
[2008/11/18 7:20] Pirate Russell: It isn't always the Dominant in the wrong, it is sometimes something personal with the submissive. Limits can change, do change!
[2008/11/18 7:20] Pirate Russell: If a submissive is in IMMEDIATE danger or their limits are being breached, they should be able to say NO in whatever shape or form that it needs to be spoken.
[2008/11/18 7:20] Pirate Russell: The absence of a willingness to have a safeword or to dicuss it may be a very useful indicator for any sub when considering a potential Dominant
[2008/11/18 7:20] Pirate Russell: Especially in SL, a sub CAN deny their Master/Mistresses wish, however it is not constructive to just refuse without an explaination
[2008/11/18 7:21] Pirate Russell: Neither a submissive nor a Dominant should do anything, just because one or the other like to do it, if that behavior is highly unsafe.
[2008/11/18 7:21] Pirate Russell: The mental or physical health of either or both individuals is being or might be harmed. THIS situation demands then to proceed to stopping a scene, questioning and discussing.
[2008/11/18 7:21] Pirate Russell: Sometimes just questioning will be enough to clear things up and the scene can progress to a great ending.
[2008/11/18 7:21] Pirate Russell: Mistakes happen though, a rope might twist in a squirm and cut off circulation. It isn't anyone's fault, just something that happens, not a case of a poor Dominant, or submissive.
[2008/11/18 7:22] Pirate Russell: A "scene review" should always be part of the play. Whether there was a safeword used or not. Always, and a submissive should be able to say No there too.
[2008/11/18 7:22] Pirate Russell: submissives, remember, Though We may be your Dominant, We ARE NOT mind readers. It is your responsibility to say something if things are going south.
[2008/11/18 7:22] Pirate Russell: Also remember, there is very little difference in the facial expressions of being in pain and being in ecstacy. *chuckles*, ESPECIALLY in SL.
[2008/11/18 7:22] Pirate Russell: The point is that taking on a sub is a great opportunity to take care of a person's deep, inner needs and curiousity's. The rules should be set ahead of time, and a scene-review later is is important too.
[2008/11/18 7:23] Pirate Russell: Using a safe word, calling a scene to stop, opening communication, or in a discussion, saying No, should not be taken as telling the Dominant what to do or not to do or topping from the bottom.
[2008/11/18 7:23] Pirate Russell: It is the responsibility of both the Dominant and the submissive to communicate why, what the fear is, or if there is a true safety danger, Both should respect that. Safe, Sane and Consensual is key in any D/s relationship.
[2008/11/18 7:23] Pirate Russell: Comments, Questions?
[2008/11/18 7:24] ***ML***: pardon this girl ... pirate?
[2008/11/18 7:24] ***ML***: whta is meant please by "scene review"????
[2008/11/18 7:24] Pirate Russell: Go ahead ***ML***, we're fairly informal here
[2008/11/18 7:24] ***ML***: please?
[2008/11/18 7:25] Pirate Russell: A Scene Review is the time after the scene is over where the Dominant and submissive discuss what just happened, how to improve, what to omit next time, etc
[2008/11/18 7:25] ***IM***: Different from Aftercare, Mistress?
[2008/11/18 7:25] ***ML***: ahhhh the after glowment of course Pirate ! please pardon this girl's ignorance many thanks
[2008/11/18 7:26] ***MR***: I make use of a sub journal for this communication
[2008/11/18 7:26] Pirate Russell: During Aftercare would be a good time, while it's still fresh in girl's mind, and on her ass, for the Scene Review
[2008/11/18 7:27] Pirate Russell: Are you a RL Dominant, Reinard?
[2008/11/18 7:27] ***IM*** giggles
[2008/11/18 7:27] ***ML*** smiles
[2008/11/18 7:27] ***MR***: no - only sl
[2008/11/18 7:27] Pirate Russell: Ok, same here, and I've been known to grab the IM and chat logs, for that... he he
[2008/11/18 7:28] ***ML***: Lady pirate? can you give an example of how one would voice "No" to a master? I mean would they just say in im "redlight?
[2008/11/18 7:28] ***MR***: it also give the sub a duty to perform
[2008/11/18 7:28] ***AB***: in rl one must smost times order one subs to speak out
[2008/11/18 7:28] Pirate Russell: Sure, what's one of girl's hard limits
[2008/11/18 7:29] ***ML***: so saying redlight Master/ Mistress because____________. would be most sppropriate please?
[2008/11/18 7:30] Pirate Russell: Yes, or in the case of Redlight, it's an IMMEDIATE stop/release, etc. Then once everyone's 'save' then the communication.
[2008/11/18 7:30] Pirate Russell: er safe, not save
[2008/11/18 7:30] ***ML***: or "ooooooooo yellow Master/Mistress --- proceed but mmmmmm carefully !"
[2008/11/18 7:31] ***ML*** smiles
[2008/11/18 7:31] Pirate Russell: Yes, or "Yellow, too deep in slut's ass" then I'd pull out and not drive so deep
[2008/11/18 7:32] ***IM***: girl has found that it's hard to come out of subspace and say "redlight." By the time girl is back the event has long passed and the need to safeword is over.
[2008/11/18 7:32] Pirate Russell: EVERY Relationship, BDSM or not, should be negotiated, the submissive should ALWAYS know what the Dominant expects as far as safe words, communication, etc
[2008/11/18 7:32] ***AB***: as a Mistress/Master one must always take great care of ones pets/subs be aware of the pets/subs needs and moods
[2008/11/18 7:32] Pirate Russell: That is also a danger, ***IM***, a good Dominant will check often, if they even suspect that subspace is entered
[2008/11/18 7:33] ***AP***: nods
[2008/11/18 7:33] ***ML***: sub space?
[2008/11/18 7:33] Pirate Russell: (For those that dont' know My ***AB***, she's a RL switch, prefers the sub side, had the Dominant side thrust upon her)
[2008/11/18 7:33] ***ML***:
[2008/11/18 7:34] ***ML***:
[2008/11/18 7:34] Pirate Russell: ANYtime, ***ML***!
[2008/11/18 7:34] ***ML***: is that euphoria?
[2008/11/18 7:34] ***ML***: please if you would... what is subspace?
[2008/11/18 7:35] ***IM***: For girl it is when girl is lost in the scene and totally dependant on her Mistress. girl looses awareness of anything else.
[2008/11/18 7:36] ***AB***: sub spasce where one retreats into a safe place in your mind while te world moves on very dangerous can lead to death has in some cases because ofpoor Dominates
[2008/11/18 7:36] Pirate Russell: subspace is when you're 'lost in the scene' dependant on Other(s)
[2008/11/18 7:36] Pirate Russell: Or possibly hiding from the scene... ;-)
[2008/11/18 7:37] ***ML***: is this "subspace" an intricate and nessacary aspect of the bDsm genre then?
[2008/11/18 7:37] Pirate Russell: I'll let the RL subs here answer that, I've never experienced it
[2008/11/18 7:38] ***ML***: wouldn't one have to have some apect of the sub - space involved to have a true D/s relation? intimacy?
[2008/11/18 7:38] Pirate Russell: But one thing I WILL say, ***ML***, is that EVERY scene, for EVERY Dominant and submissive is UNIQUE
[2008/11/18 7:38] ***AP***: You don't always reach it, but when you do, it's very much a spaced out, happy feeling, ***ML***
[2008/11/18 7:38] ***ML***: it is only experienced by a s?
[2008/11/18 7:38] ***IM***: It is like when one goes to a movie. One gets lost in the story and forgets that horses can't really fly. That sort of thing. Reality changes. It is a very euphoric place.
[2008/11/18 7:38] Pirate Russell: No, there is Dom-space, too.
[2008/11/18 7:39] ***ML***: sounds similar to an orgasm
[2008/11/18 7:39] ***ML***: only on a higher plane?
[2008/11/18 7:39] Pirate Russell: I wouldn't say Higher, but another, mabye
[2008/11/18 7:39] ***ML***: hmmmmm
[2008/11/18 7:40] ***ML***: is it a regular emotion that is experienced by one or the other in the intimacy act?
[2008/11/18 7:40] Pirate Russell: Please help Me out subbies... he he
[2008/11/18 7:40] ***ML***: wouldn't that in a sense be the intended goal odf the pairing?
[2008/11/18 7:41] ***JO***: Excuse this girl Mistress
[2008/11/18 7:41] ***AP***: OK...imagine you like to be whipped- it hurts at first, then you begin to takeit, and finally, you reach a point where you feel as though you can take it forever....um, does that make sense? You kidn of lose the power to stop, even if you wanted to?
[2008/11/18 7:42] ***JO***: at onset, it sounded like subspace was a dissociation in a need to escape dangerous situation/feelings=
[2008/11/18 7:42] Pirate Russell: Kind of like a runner hitting "The Wall" the Endorphins kick in
[2008/11/18 7:42] ***IM***: It is more a suspension of reality. Ones awareness shirnks down to the scene.
[2008/11/18 7:42] ***JO***: then the turn of conversation took the meaning to euphoria
[2008/11/18 7:42] ***JO***: then the turn of conversation took the meaning to euphoria
[2008/11/18 7:42] ***JO***: then the turn of conversation took the meaning to euphoria
[2008/11/18 7:43] ***JO***: this girl is confused
[2008/11/18 7:43] ***ML***: aye many thanks forum for enlightenment of this girl's ignorance
[2008/11/18 7:44] Pirate Russell: Here, too and that should keep whore from arrest
[2008/11/18 7:44] ***ML***: in the D/s intamacy there often times may be a tolerance reached in volving phyiscally dangerous aspects/ actions and that tolerance can in fact be as a drug addiction to which one can ummm achieve a higher ground?
[2008/11/18 7:46] ***ML***: ?
[2008/11/18 7:46] ***ML***: sub space is similar to a drug addiction in a sense?
[2008/11/18 7:46] ***ML***: ya need your fix and once its obtain no matter the ends will justify the means always?
[2008/11/18 7:46] ***IM***: http://www.albanypowerexchange.com/Ds/subspace.htm has a good, but rather long explination of subspace.
[2008/11/18 7:46] Pirate Russell: Yes, there can be dangerous situations, that release endorphins and adrenelin
[2008/11/18 7:47] Pirate Russell thinks subspace can be a class in itself.. he he
[2008/11/18 7:47] ***IM*** nods
[2008/11/18 7:47] Pirate Russell: MAYBE I can find a sub to teach it......
[2008/11/18 7:49] ***AP***: Good idea!
[2008/11/18 7:49] ***ML***: this girl apologizes and begs pardon
[2008/11/18 7:49] Pirate Russell: Can I depend on you then, ***AP***?
[2008/11/18 7:49] ***AP***: Oooh, well, maybe i could write it for you...Miss
[2008/11/18 7:50] Pirate Russell: W/we'lll talk!
[2008/11/18 7:50] ***AP***: I still have my pen in my hand...lol ok thanks Miss
[2008/11/18 7:53] Pirate Russell: Just remember, In RL a bad dominant can, hand has, caused the death of a submissive.
[2008/11/18 7:54] ***IM***: So how does one keep their senses enough to say redlight when they are in subspace? And will a dominant listen if they are deep into domspace?
[2008/11/18 7:54] ***ML***: which is why a mutual trust communication and honesty are a must in any and ALL relationships?
[2008/11/18 7:54] Pirate Russell: Again, My RL subbies out there need to answer that, I'm not a RL Domme
[2008/11/18 7:57] Pirate Russell: Well, the only way *I* can answer that is trust, you have to build that trust between the 2 of y'all, before you do anyting 'life threatening'.
[2008/11/18 7:57] Zealot Benmergui: Well, as a rl dom, I can answer the second part of that
[2008/11/18 7:57] ***AP***: ooh sorry, i was um, If you are in that much of a subspace i should imagine your Domininat would notice -should do - and that means knowing each other well enough to trust that to happen
[2008/11/18 7:57] Zealot Benmergui: In my experience, "Domspace" actually makes you more aware of the woman in question, not less
[2008/11/18 7:57] Zealot Benmergui: when I am that in tune, I don;t need her to use a safe word, if she is in trouble, I know about it before she does
[2008/11/18 7:57] ***ML***: this girl wonders if you are so deep into a subspace perhaps a redlight wouldn't be accurately implemented as a subspace is a sheer bliss?
[2008/11/18 7:58] ***IM*** nods. Exactly, ***ML***.
[2008/11/18 7:58] ***ML***: seems ike to me that you ask for all to cease right sa you are beginning your xtc orgasm?
[2008/11/18 7:58] ***AB***: not always the Case as SUBSPACE can be a retreat away from te reall
[2008/11/18 7:58] ***ML***: that would just lead to an unsatisfied frusteration?
[2008/11/18 7:59] ***AP***: but you could be in such deep sub space you no longer have control over your own mind ...
[2008/11/18 7:59] ***ML***: but wouldnt one or both of the pariteies involved have coherence to realize that "danger" approaching?
[2008/11/18 8:00] ***AP***: that can be dangerous, yes
[2008/11/18 8:00] ***ML***: as this gierl thinks it a rarity for all members to go space at once?
[2008/11/18 8:00] Pirate Russell: Also a 'spotter' or 'chaperone' can be present to watch for problems, too!
[2008/11/18 8:01] ***AB***: my First Girl is always onhand, and when it is her turn her secnd is there
[2008/11/18 8:03] f00 Barbosa: hey nude boy, you're spoiling my view
[2008/11/18 8:03] Pirate Russell: And like Z said, he becomes MORE aware, not lost
[2008/11/18 8:04] Pirate Russell: well, unless anyone has more quesitons?
[2008/11/18 8:04] ***AP***: giggles
[2008/11/18 8:05] ***AP***: why was that man not wearing any clothes?
[2008/11/18 8:05] Pirate Russell: It's SL, it's a naked friendly sim, not a problem for Me
[2008/11/18 8:05] Calithien Vaher: lol
[2008/11/18 8:05] Pirate Russell: All transcripts can be found at http://collegeofkink.blogspot.com
College of Kink classes Monday & Tuesday @ 7a, Thursday @ Midnight:30 and 10a and Friday 1p.
Y/you can always check the Search/Events and look for College.
[2008/11/18 8:05] ***AB***: possble for the same reason this whore does not because itis what she is allowed
[2008/11/18 8:05] Pirate Russell: found EVENTUALLY.. he he
[2008/11/18 8:05] ***AP***: Just checking ...smiles
[2008/11/18 8:06] Bunny Hastings: he had on his tidy whitties anyway
[2008/11/18 8:06] ***AP***: snickers
[2008/11/18 8:06] Pirate Russell: and ***AB*** isn't ALLOWED to own any clothing
[2008/11/18 8:06] ***AB*** the whore smiles happily
[2008/11/18 8:06] ***AP***: :))
[2008/11/18 8:07] Pirate Russell: Class dismissed, come see Z's class Thur AM at midnight:30, and Omegaa Spackler is having his 1st class Thursday at... um.... 10a? he he
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