The Morning After: Aftercare in Second Life - 7/24/08

[7:12] Zealot Benmergui: Welcome A/all to the House of V’s College of Kink. My name is Zealot Benmergui, Baron BardHaven and I will be your host today. Some of you may know me from lecturing here at House of V and other locations around the grid. Before we get started, I wish to put to rest a recent rumor here and now. There is no truth to the reports that I am have been short-listed, as far as I know, for President Elect Obama’s new cabinet level “Secretary of Deviance and Unnatural Acts” post. He and I have never discussed political matters, we only meet for casual sex.
[7:12] ***ML***: many thanks Sir.
[7:12] ***RV***: hahaha
[7:13] Zealot Benmergui: And some times he doesn;t even thank me.
[7:13] ***IM***: That is casual.
[7:13] ***VS***: now that I find hard to believe
[7:13] ***ML*** laughs
[7:13] ***CV***: lol
[7:13] ***RV***: how rude
[7:13] Zealot Benmergui: The topic for today is "The Morning After: Aftercare in Second Life". We will be discussing what exactly Aftercare is, and how it relates to the SL D/s experience, both for Doms and subs. Please note that for the purpose of clarity, I will tend to use “she” to refer to a submissive and “he” to refer to a Dominant, but either can be of any gender. Your humble lecturer WILL accept tips, but they must be paid to me directly, if you are so inclined, thank you.
[7:13] ***ML*** thinks it weird, Obama always sends a thank you card to her
[7:14] Zealot Benmergui stares hard at Miss ***ML*** then sobs
[7:14] ***CV***: lol
[7:14] ***RV***: lol
[7:14] Zealot Benmergui: In my vague, diffident wanderings, Aftercare is one of the issues I most often hear confusion about from both subs and Doms in SL. After Puberty and Spontaneous Combustion, Aftercare seems to be the biggest mystery many Doms and subs in SL face…and understandably so. Many people don’t much understand it in RL, where it is far more straightforward…or at least more meaty.
[7:15] Zealot Benmergui: In fact, the most common form of the question is subs saying "What about aftercare?" and Doms saying "Huh??"
[7:16] Zealot Benmergui: In its most basic definition, Aftercare is what happens after sex. In mainstream relationships this is a very subjective thing, which has greater or lesser importance depending on the people involved. In a mainstream relationship aftercare may be talking, cuddling, paying, fighting, more sex, smoking a cigarette, calling your husband and explaining the meeting ran longer then you thought it would, searching for lost change to buy more gin, more sex, body hair macramé…almost anything goes really, including saying “Thank you very much, please don’t contact me again. I have a restraining order.” and running like hell.
[7:16] Zealot Benmergui: Did I mention "more sex"?
[7:16] ***RV***: lsughd
[7:16] ***ML***: lol
[7:16] ***RV***: laughs too
[7:17] ***CV***: lol
[7:17] ***IM***: oh
[7:17] ***ML***: after GLOW ie : after CARE?
[7:17] Zealot Benmergui: no...afterCARE
[7:18] Zealot Benmergui: after glow is the feeling of contentment, endorfin flush, or munchies after orgasm...aftercare is what you actually DO to bring the act to a close, emotionally and physically.
[7:18] ***ML***: hmmmm.
[7:18] Xandra Burner is Offline
[7:18] ***ML***: ahhhh a
[7:18] ***ML***: by gov!
[7:18] Zealot Benmergui: As I said, it rarely plays a distinct part in mainstream sex.
[7:18] ***ML***: bujov i think shes got it!
[7:18] Zealot Benmergui: D/s and BDSM is a different story, or should be.
[7:19] ***RV***: nods
[7:19] ***IM***: So is it before or after you spit?
[7:19] ***ML***: lmao
[7:19] Zealot Benmergui: After you spit Miss ***IM***, and before you say you feel pregnant
[7:20] ***ML***: the act of him wiping yer chin off perhaps?
[7:20] ***ML***: ouch
[7:20] ***CV***: lol
[7:20] Zealot Benmergui: Or it can be at the same time you tell him brother was not as long, but thicker.
[7:20] Zealot Benmergui: *him HIS
[7:21] Zealot Benmergui: In D/s or BDSM relationships however, Aftercare takes on much more importance than in most vanilla encounters. For one thing, there are often practical matters to be attended to…bindings to be opened, clasps to be undone, equipment to be tended, bleeding to be staunched. You can’t just pass the wetwipes and get dressed, by and large. It is very, very important that care is taken in real world D/s about safety and health after a scene, and the best way to do it is as a part of the act itself. Often wounds or aches that were ignored, or simply not felt during the scene need to be taken care of or identified. Use that chance to sooth and inspect the submissive’s body as a chance to bond more deeply, to explore new nuances.
[7:22] Zealot Benmergui: It can be a very gentle, emotional time and shouldn;t be rushed through or skipped if possible..unless of course the police are already talking to the hotel manager
[7:22] ***CV***: lol
[7:22] Zealot Benmergui: Beyond the physical needs of Aftercare, there is even a greater need for emotional aftercare. A time to shed whatever role playing aspects we wore during the scene. Time for the cruel prison guard or slutty little teen ager to be put aside and sub and Dom to relate to each other again as themselves. Of course, if you happen to actually BE a cruel prison guard or slutty teen ager, then game on. Often issues raised and/or experienced during a scene need to be discussed or compared, even if the discussion is simply “FUCK THAT WAS HAWTTTT”. Aftercare should always take place right after a scene, giving both Dom and sub a chance to come back up or decompress…but it can continue over several discussions or meetings if the scene was very intense or complex.
[7:23] ***ML***: wouldnt inspection of ones s - and the UNrestarint of them led in fact to another scene? quite often?
[7:23] Zealot Benmergui: It can, certainly...
[7:23] Zealot Benmergui: as I said, sometimes Aftercare can be more sex
[7:23] Zealot Benmergui: I did mention that yes?
[7:23] ***IM***: Yup
[7:23] ***CV***: yes..lol
[7:23] Zealot Benmergui: Thank god
[7:24] Zealot Benmergui: However, all that is in real life...how can it pertain to the limitations we experience in SL during scenes? How much can we really do in “virtual” aftercare and how much is needed. Well, obviously the physical requirements are diminished. There are still some, depending on what the sub may have been told to do in the scene, but usually there is little chance of injury, unless it is a VERY strict Dom, who told her to do something like “Pound your head against the tabletop” Of course, that requires an unusually stupid sub as well, but that is for another lecture.
[7:25] Zealot Benmergui: While physical elements of aftercare are less important in SL, the emotional elements become even more so. Too often scenes in SL end with “[6:49] MasterMagnum Pluckyfeather is Offline”….or “[6:50] TodaysSlut Honeyslurper: umm..my Master just logged on..so…like…gotta close this alt…smooch luv ya…don’t say anything ‘k?” Even more often, they just…end. Everyone poses orgasm, a little awkward silence, some chit chat, then a statement about something needing to be done somewhere…kid’s to feed, work to do, flobberworms to walk…and everyone is gone. Somewhat anticlimactic at best…deeply depressing at worst.
[7:26] Zealot Benmergui: If a submissive has reacted strongly to the scene, or easily slips into subspace, often times even online aftercare is essential, otherwise they can feel lost or unsettled for days or worse. How then should Aftercare be handled in SL. First and foremost…time. Spend time once the scene has ended, even mostly silent in an IM or on voice chat…just being together, just so she knows you are there, and this time matters.
[7:26] ***IM*** nods
[7:27] Zealot Benmergui: Quiet conversation is good, even posing soothing touches and caresses, shifting into a cuddle pose...it is amazing how easily the mind can relate the virtual to the real...and how comforting those things can be.
[7:27] Zealot Benmergui: After all, if you were just arroused, excited and made to orgasm due to mainly virtual stimulation, why can;t you then be comforted by them as well?
[7:28] ***ML***: indeed
[7:28] Zealot Benmergui: As you both become more able to think and whatnot, discussions of the scene itself work very very here...Not only do they foster communication and bind you closer, but they help to make you both feel involved, help you to understand and absorb what just happened.
[7:29] Zealot Benmergui: Ask each other what you liekd best, what worked, what didn;t..ask questions...tell them what moved you.
[7:29] Zealot Benmergui: Think about how you can expand what you did, what avenues you want to explore next
[7:30] Zealot Benmergui: Picture yourself laying in bed, after sex...think of how easy and flowing those conversations are when you feel close to the person, when the sex was rewarding and you feel safe and loved...that is what virtual Aftercare should awaken in both sub and Dom
[7:31] Zealot Benmergui: We tend to mention Communication during just about everylecture, but it is the essense of Aftercare...Aftercare can help you communicate, and good communication leads to excellent Aftercare
[7:32] Zealot Benmergui: I know this may mark me as something of a hypersenstive nancyboy...but bbeyond the grunting and clenching and making a mess...I often enjoy Aftercare more then the sex itself...or at least equally.
[7:33] ***RV***: ditto
[7:33] Zealot Benmergui: It can be, and should be...pure emotion...and after all isn;t that one of the most powerful draws of D/s...the vibrancy of the emotion, the feelings of safety, or surrender, of connection.
[7:33] ***HA***: better sensitive than the opposite!!
[7:33] Zealot Benmergui: All of that is part and parcel of Aftercare
[7:34] Zealot Benmergui: Don;t allow the fact that you are in Sl to cause you to give short shrift to what happens after a scene...embrace it, and if you are with someone who thinks that after a scene you close the IM window....educate them of choose better lovers.
[7:34] Zealot Benmergui: *or
[7:35] Zealot Benmergui: You will find you enjoy what happens here more, that you are a better sub or Dom for it...and it will improve things for your partner as well.
[7:35] Zealot Benmergui: Now then, as always, I open the floor for discussion, questions and panties throwing.
[7:36] ***CV***: lol..didn't think people wore them anymore.
[7:36] Zealot Benmergui: Not once I started my collection...no
[7:36] ***ML***: so the AFTER care is kinda as important as the FOREplay and also often times MOST intimate?
[7:37] Zealot Benmergui: I know it is a common SL streotype, but how many of you have actually encountered the "Wham bam thank you girl" sort of DOm?
[7:37] ***HA***: Yes!!
[7:37] Zealot Benmergui: Absolutely Miss ***ML***
[7:38] Zealot Benmergui: I would even say it is more important then foreplay
[7:39] Zealot Benmergui: Can anyone relate an experience where Aftercare worked properly, or that they especially liled?
[7:39] ***ML***: This girl thinks that perhaps the "AFTERcare aspect of the intimate relations is due to the fact that to experience that it may in fact substantiate the "commitment" aspect involved and many may not be as comfortable with that aspect?
[7:40] ***ML***: * is neglected*
[7:40] Zealot Benmergui: That could be a fair assessment..it certainly binds the people...but I find it is actually just as important in casual relationships
[7:40] Zealot Benmergui: Where with a long term love, it has great meaning and force..sitting around in bed after sex talking with someone you just like can be a great deal of fun
[7:41] ***RV***: i had a very intense snuff scene with my Master once .... i was really shaken by it (in a good way). The fact that he stayed, we talked, we made love w/o the trappings of d/s ... that was essential considering the intensity of the scene
[7:41] ***ML***: true1 this girl consistantly "hugs" nearly all of her sl friends regularly!
[7:41] Zealot Benmergui: after all, you no longer have to worry about if they will like you ot not, or if you will perform well...all that's done..now you can just talk about bad movies and gossip and laugh and enjoy being together, no secrets
[7:42] Zealot Benmergui: Yes ***RV***, that is a very good point...
[7:42] Zealot Benmergui: Aftercare is often stripped of the whole D/s veneer
[7:42] Zealot Benmergui: which is a very good thing..where you can talk, relate, even make love again, just as people, with none of the weight of Dom and sub
[7:42] ***ML***: do you think that a D can experience aftercare as fruitfully then Sir Zealot?
[7:43] Zealot Benmergui: Absolutely
[7:43] ***IM*** nods
[7:43] Zealot Benmergui: put yourselfin the shoes of a Dom for a second...
[7:43] ***ML***: I mean if in that moment in the relation they would in a sense be stripped of their D ness?
[7:43] Zealot Benmergui: to laugh with a girl you just had sex with, talk, find out what she liked, how she feels...that is so incredibly powerful, it makes you feel incredibly alive
[7:44] ***ML***: hmmmmm
[7:44] Zealot Benmergui: To a degree...but that is part of the attraction as well...The girl just came at your command, touch to feel less Dom at that moment, no matter how open and soft you are
[7:44] ***CV***: What if she hated it, then how do you feel?
[7:44] Zealot Benmergui: *tough
[7:45] ***IM***: *Expressing* less of the dom side doesn't make someone suddnly not a dom, any more than standing up for what you believe in makes one less of a sub.
[7:45] Zealot Benmergui: A very good question Miss ***CV***
[7:45] ***RV***: that's when aftercare is even more important
[7:45] Zealot Benmergui: What is the importance of Aftercare after a scene that went horribly wrong, or just bad sex?
[7:45] Zealot Benmergui: Exactly...
[7:45] Zealot Benmergui: you need to discuss, understand what went wrong...
[7:46] Zealot Benmergui: In a long term relationship you need to see what you need to work on, what factors didn;t click...you need to be totally honest about it
[7:46] Half Short is Offline
[7:46] Sami Sass is Online
[7:46] Zealot Benmergui: in a casual encounter, you want to know what they didn;t like, so you don;t do it the next time, or with the next woman
[7:46] ***ML***: many thanks ***RV***
[7:46] ***VS***: hm
[7:47] ***VS***: The next woman may loke whatever it was, though
[7:47] ***VS***: *like
[7:47] Zealot Benmergui: People tend to assume that sex is an instinct.
[7:48] Zealot Benmergui: It is possible Miss ***VS***...but it is good to know anyway, and usually, it will be clear when something is just "not to her tastes" and when it is "WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING USING THE CLAW HAMMER????"
[7:49] ***CV***: lol
[7:49] ***VS***: True, that is what I always mean by that, indeed!
[7:49] ***ML***: lol
[7:49] Zealot Benmergui: It is a time to compare notes, to each become better, to prolong what was good and fix what was bad...
[7:50] Zealot Benmergui: and to feel loved
[7:50] Zealot Benmergui: It doesn;t have to be a soulmate kind of thing, or forever and ever...but even in casual sex, it is nice to feel that human binding, one to the other, that is in Aftercare
[7:50] ***ML*** sighs
[7:50] ***ML***: ahhhhhhhh
[7:51] ***ML***: and orange juice
[7:51] ***RV***: (brb)
[7:51] Zealot Benmergui: Vitimin C is always important..need to hydrate
[7:51] ***ML***: tis odd that that is what it is called"aftercare"
[7:51] Zealot Benmergui: What would be a better term?
[7:51] ***ML***: reminds this girl of the etirement homes of elderly...lol
[7:52] Zealot Benmergui: Many Doms would draw the line at it being called "Snugglebunnies"
[7:52] ***ML***: *retirement
[7:52] ***ML***: after Glowment
[7:52] Zealot Benmergui: that could be good, but has a sort of Lord of the Rings feeling
[7:52] ***ML***: takes adjective glow to verb ment?
[7:52] Lucrezia Tairov: Post-intake exit interview.
[7:52] Zealot Benmergui: Frodo looked up at Aragorn, deep in his Afterglowment
[7:53] ***ML***: better than a metamucil fiber ....lol
[7:53] Zealot Benmergui: Post ejaculation Emotional Simulation
[7:53] ***ML***: Pees?
[7:53] ***ML***: as grabbed his cane and tripped over his walker - in his rush to get to the front bingo table