Shadowplay - 10/22/08

[7:04] Zealot Benmergui: Welcome A/all to the House of V’s College of Kink. My name is Zealot Benmergui, Baron BardHaven and I will be your host today. The topic for today is All things Dark and Dangerous: An introduction to Shadowplay and we will be defining Shadowplay, discussing what and why it is, and how it can be practiced safely and responsibly. Please note that for the purpose of clarity, I will tend to use “she” to refer to a submissive and “he” to refer to a Dominant, but either can be of any gender.
[7:05] Zealot Benmergui: I also ask you all to bear with me, as I have just come back to Sl after a few weeks stuck in meatspace dealing with holidays and rl...so I may be a bit rusty
[7:05] Zealot Benmergui: As long time victi…umm..attendees of my lectures know, I have little time or sympathy for those stereotypical views often held by the vanilla world regarding D/s. I know full well that to the mainstream, most D/s is all about dishrags in the shape of women with serious esteem issues pretending to be whipped by men wearing Rick Jame’s hand me downs who never forgave their mothers for that whole toilet training thing. I know it, and don’t much care.
[7:07] Zealot Benmergui: That is just something we have all learned to live with when we happen to let slip what we enjoy in the bedroom, or our mother in law walks in when we are still suspended with a barbie doll shoved up our ass
[7:07] ***tY***: laughs
[7:07] ***GA*** wonders how Z managed to rig a cam in her bedroom
[7:07] Zealot Benmergui: However, stereotypes do not stop with the vanilla community, nor are they always unhealthy or wrong.
[7:08] Zealot Benmergui: Wired the Teddy Ruxpin to transmit dear
[7:08] ***tY***: (notes the barbie doll as not one of her needs..)
[7:08] ***GA*** smiles
[7:08] Zealot Benmergui: I know that even to many of us in the lifestyle, D/s and BDSM is kinky fun and games, a way to relax and enjoy ourselves and each other...and I think that is great. For others, D/s is a romantic indulgence in the sex-roles of a bygone age, and that is utterly fabulous and very rewarding for all involved. D/s should be, and in most cases must be…fun. However, there are more serious aspects of D/s that often get overlooked in online relationships, but which are very important and easily misused.
[7:09] Zealot Benmergui: Even more importantly, they are often stumbled into accidently, which can often cause a great deal of confusion, upset and misunderstanding.
[7:09] Zealot Benmergui: One of these more serious aspects is Shadowplay. I use that term, originally coined by two excellent writers on D/s topics, Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton, to describe some of the more delicate and far reaching psychological aspects that D/s can play into. Before going much further, I wish to make clear now that Shadowplay is not for the inexperienced and should never be taken lightly. Furthermore it should never be attempted with a new partner.
[7:10] Zealot Benmergui: Shadowplay can be very very rewarding both emotionally and sexually...but it can also be highly damaging, so handle with extreme care.
[7:10] Zealot Benmergui: Ok now, brace yourself, we are about to hit the academic part...
[7:11] Zealot Benmergui: To understand Shadowplay, we need to make a quick trip into Jungian psychology. Carl Jung was a renegade Freudian who expanded on Freud’s theories of the unconscious. It can be helpful when thinking about Jung’s theories to imagine the psych as a vast ocean. The Conscious is an island floating on that ocean. Nice and solid and stable. That island is all of the normal day to day thoughts and events of our life. Sitting at your keyboard, having dinner, ogling the waitress, having sex with your husband a few volunteers from the pub…all of that is part of the conscious.
[7:11] ***GA*** holds Evie's hand tightly
[7:11] Zealot Benmergui: *AND a few volunteers
[7:11] Zealot Benmergui: see, told ya, rusty
[7:11] ***tY***: giggles
[7:11] ***EC***: :-)
[7:12] Zealot Benmergui: The tide rolling up on the edges of the island is the Preconscious. Images and memories and dreams that come and go in the back of our mind like the sea on a beach. We are aware of them, spend time thinking about them, but they are not a crucial part of our world. The fact that you are vaguely aware that one of the guys from the pub looks just like your Uncle Jerry, but not as well hung and doesn’t sweat as much, and that you dreamed about just this sort of scene, but all the men were actually animated frogs…that is Preconscious.
[7:12] Zealot Benmergui: Other people describe the Preconcious as what you think about when you are just falling asleep...and usually don;t remember.
[7:12] ***tY***: (wondering how I know how well hung uncle jerry is and decides not to go there..)
[7:13] Zealot Benmergui: OH don;t worry..Jung went there alreaady
[7:13] ***tY***: laughs
[7:13] Zealot Benmergui: Now this is where things get murkier
[7:13] Zealot Benmergui: The water below the island is the Unconscious, the vast amount of information and emotion that we are usually not aware of but that colors the Preconscious. The specific childhood memory of WHY we know that Uncle Jerry was so well hung, and why we always think of fruit baskets when we see him in family photos…that is all part of the Unconscious. The very deepest part of the Unconscious according to Jung was the Collective Unconscious, which included the elements and images we are aware of as part of our shared ancestry and that feed the Unconscious. Fear of wolves or of men LIKE Uncle Jerry…that is part of the Collective Unconscious.
[7:14] ***tY***: (quietly apologies for leaving in the middle but is being called away in RL)
[7:14] Zealot Benmergui: The Unconcious is everything that supports the Preconcious and the Concious...without it, we are unmoored, adrift.
[7:15] Zealot Benmergui: But there are times when both the Concious and the Unconcious are disrupted....and that brings us to Shadow
[7:15] Zealot Benmergui: Jung believed there was yet another thing floating in this sea, which he called Shadow. Picture Shadow like an iceberg. The very tip of it is visible from the conscious, but the vast majority is down in the Preconscious and Unconscious. Shadow are the memories, responses, emotions and reactions that our psyche feels are so dangerous that they must be walled off. These can be traumatic real life events that we have suppressed to a greater or lesser degree, or simply learned taboos that were so deeply ingrained as to leave a scar across our psyche, such as an parental injunction that talking about sex is bad, or that masturbation is dirty.
[7:16] Zealot Benmergui: For example, if a punishment we recieved for a certain action was so terrible, or so powerful as far as we were concerned, that our Unconcious swore that to avoid that punishment not only would we never do that again, but never DESIRE to do it again or have the feeling that led to the desire...THAT is Shadow
[7:17] Zealot Benmergui: The Shadow is where we have banished a great deal of traumatic or embarrassing thoughts which due to the fact they can often stray up into the Conscious mind, can make a lot of trouble for us, sometimes even handicap or limit us…that is where Shadowplay comes in. Shadowplay is the exploration, examination and exorcism of the Shadow.
[7:17] Zealot Benmergui: How is this done?
[7:18] Zealot Benmergui: Well, in most cases, we are aware of what at least the vauge outlines of what we have in Shadow.,..we know what scares us, what troubles us...what excites us yet also fills us with dread
[7:19] Zealot Benmergui: Most of the time we stumble upon such things by accident. And unexpected reaction when our partner holds our hands down, a sudden panic when we are locked in a closet....
[7:19] Zealot Benmergui: *An
[7:19] Zealot Benmergui: Once we have a vauge idea of what is in our Shadow, that is where Shadowplay can start
[7:20] Zealot Benmergui: Itis possible for a Master and a submissive, or even any two people in a very strong relationship, to actively play through the experiences in Shadow..to drag them into the light.
[7:21] Zealot Benmergui: Sometimes this is with the purpose of making them no longer so terrifying, othertimes it is to understand them, sometimes it is simply because that sort of emotional intensity is desired.
[7:21] Zealot Benmergui: At this point, I have another warning...Shadowplay is NOT therepy.
[7:21] Zealot Benmergui: It may walk like Therepy, and quack like Therepy...but it isn;t.
[7:22] Zealot Benmergui: Shadowplay can expose and explore and role play traumatic events or repressed emotions, but it cannot heal the underlaying wounds.
[7:23] ***TD*** ponders and waits to hear more
[7:23] Zealot Benmergui: It may however help expose those wounds so they CAN be healed....but that often requires trained medical personel, and should not be viewed as simple.
[7:23] Zealot Benmergui: Just because you are able to understand better your fears due to roleplay an abusive situation from your past doesn;t mean you are free and clear of it
[7:24] Zealot Benmergui: Now then, with that understood, and assuming that you and a long time partner have found elements of your past that you wish to explore through Shadowplay...what do you do?
[7:25] Zealot Benmergui: First and foremost...as Pirate always says...COMMUNICATE.
[7:25] Zealot Benmergui: Shadowplay requires a great deal of talking. in advance.
[7:25] Zealot Benmergui: Discuss what you remember, what you don;t remember, how you felt, how you feel....
[7:26] Zealot Benmergui: Carefully define the edges of what you want to play, the roles you wish each of you to take, the possibilities and pitfalls.
[7:26] Zealot Benmergui: Next establish safe words, and beyond those non verbal clues that will inform the Dominant that you are in trouble, or have to stop or pause
[7:27] Zealot Benmergui: I won;t dissemble as to what Shadowplay can do, and it is most often used in cases where the submissive has been sexually abused in the past, or has unhealthy responses related to sex in their past....
[7:28] Zealot Benmergui: and therefore, if while Shadowplaying such an incidant, the Dominant goes too far, or fails to stop when he or she needs to, the damage can be enormous, first and foremost to their relationship...
[7:29] Zealot Benmergui: Therefore it is essential that as much discussion as possible go on before, and that great care is taken to control the scene itself.
[7:29] Zealot Benmergui: Even then, surprises will come up...the more intense the scene, the greater the number of surprises....and often these are very healthy.
[7:30] Zealot Benmergui: The unexpected that arises during Shadowplay is what helps us expand out knowlege and understanding..it is the new percpective and understanding that illuminates the Shadow...the unpexpect response or reaction is the very reason for Shadowplay, so they should not be ignored or avoided.
[7:31] Zealot Benmergui: Some couples prefer to video such sessions, so that they can be discussed and considered afterwards to provide additional insight
[7:31] Zealot Benmergui: When they take place online, chat logs are very very important and can help to reconstruct the emotions later.
[7:32] Zealot Benmergui: Now then...lets say that all of this haas occured, and the scene in which you and a partner play out a traumatic memory from childhood is done, and you got the chance to explore different actions and options from that time, perhaps now you understand better why you did as you did, and why you are as you are....and the scene has hit the point that you have had enough...what now?
[7:33] Zealot Benmergui: In Shadowplay, aftercare is even more essential then it is in normal scenes.
[7:33] Zealot Benmergui: A Dominant must take great care to help their sub out of the Shadow, to bring them fully back to the solid ground of the concious
[7:34] Zealot Benmergui: This can take time, and involves a great deal of reassurence and, yet again, talking....
[7:34] Zealot Benmergui: If time is not taken to fully discuss and share views on what just took place, it loses a great deal of it's value.
[7:34] Zealot Benmergui: In Shadowplay, aftercare can take hours, even days....and should never be skimped on.
[7:35] Zealot Benmergui: Before I open the floor to our normal discussion and we invite Tigerseye back for the orgy, one more caution....
[7:35] Zealot Benmergui: Do not overuse Shadowplay
[7:35] ***PG*** smiles
[7:36] Zealot Benmergui: It is exhausting and difficult, even when all goes perfectly....always give a good deal of time between sessions. Sometimes when a deep seated problem is fuanlly being dealt with, a submissive will have the desire to keep at it....don;t.
[7:37] Zealot Benmergui: You need time to digest and consider...often repeating a Shadowplay session will just confuse or obscure your understanding, so don;t be afraid to take your time. Your Shadow isn;t going anywhere in the mean time.
[7:38] Zealot Benmergui: Shadowplay can be a very rewarding, very passionate, very bonding sort of experience...and if handled properly can bring a great deal of light and trust into a good D/s relationship.
[7:39] Zealot Benmergui: And now, I open the floor to your views, questions, and thoughts..and if you are hurling bricks, try to avoid my head.
[7:39] Zealot Benmergui: Well, first and foremost, do any of you have experience with Shadowplay, wether you called it that or no?
[7:40] ***GA*** shakes head
[7:40] ***EC***: none at all
[7:40] ***XD***: sort of.. maybe
[7:40] ***TD*** smiles nodding
[7:40] Zealot Benmergui: nods...Sort of maybe is a very accurate answer for many of us...
[7:40] ***EC***: didn't even know it existed till now
[7:40] ***JU***: sort of...maybe also
[7:41] ***PG*** thinks evryone probably has to some extent or other
[7:41] Zealot Benmergui: Miss ***TD***, without exposing yourself overly much, could you share some of your experience?
[7:42] ***TD***: some I know speak of it quiet differently..... I was told it was more of a trust building between myself and my former Mistress we spoke about some of an ex[erince that occured to me when I was a teenager and how it affected me
[7:42] Zealot Benmergui: nods
[7:43] Zealot Benmergui: many people use it as a trust enhancer..for me, I always feel more secure with it once that trust is already quite strong
[7:43] Zealot Benmergui: But it can certainly be used in that respect
[7:43] ***TD***: we then discussed how I felt about it, and if I would be willing to recreate it, I agreed as I did want more trust
[7:43] Zealot Benmergui: How did it go, if I may ask?
[7:44] ***TD***: afterwards I was drained for days and the aftercare was quiet poor so it wasn't what I expected to feel afterwards I was left feeling really down
[7:45] Zealot Benmergui: That is always a danger...it is very possible to relieve a traumatic event and end up feeling as lousy as you did the first time
[7:45] ***TD*** nods
[7:45] Zealot Benmergui: Which is why I prefer to use it in relationships that are already quite strong, which helps the Dominant anticipate what sort of care will be needed
[7:46] ***TD***: I would say it has to be in a strong relationship as ours crumbled quickly afterwards
[7:46] Zealot Benmergui: It is also why I strongly urge couples to "debrief" it...discuss what happened and see what can be learned or gained from it.
[7:46] Zealot Benmergui: I am very sorry to hear that, Miss ***TD***
[7:47] ***TD***: thank you and I am almost recovered from it all
[7:47] Zealot Benmergui: How long ago was the Shadowplay?
[7:47] Zealot Benmergui: In hindsight, do you feel you gained anything from it?
[7:48] Zealot Benmergui: and if not, what could have been done differently, do you think?
[7:49] Zealot Benmergui: *nods...Miss ***XD***...Sort of Maybe? What experience do you feel may have wandered into Shadowplay?
[7:50] ***TD***: (eep sorry phone went if that was a question for me)
[7:50] Zealot Benmergui: smiles..it was, and no worries
[7:50] ***XD***: similar to what ***TD*** said.. teeange occurance that I relive all the time in RL and SL
[7:51] ***GA*** smiles warmly at ***TD*** for sharing such personal feelings that are most valuable
[7:51] ***TD*** smiles
[7:51] Zealot Benmergui: nods...So it tends to color scenes wether you wish it to or not Miss ***XD***?
[7:51] ***XD***: yes
[7:51] Zealot Benmergui: nods..I understand. Have you ever gone into a scene specifically to try and adress what happened?
[7:52] ***XD***: no, not really
[7:52] Zealot Benmergui: nods...It can be a very daunting and frightening proposition.
[7:53] Zealot Benmergui: Conventional wisdom would state that we should avoid such a thing at all costs...but the the Shadow does tend to make itself known in the Concious
[7:53] ***XD***: i usually don't mention it to the partner, only a few know
[7:53] Zealot Benmergui: nods..I understand completely
[7:53] Zealot Benmergui: There are aspects of Shadowplay that do not deal with abuse, so to speak..often times it can be used to get past hangups of fears
[7:54] Zealot Benmergui: for example, if someone is very drawn to anal sex, but from an early age, had the fact that it is wrong imposed on their thoughts..they may find themselves wanting, even engaging in anal sex, then punishing or hating themselves due to it
[7:55] Zealot Benmergui: Shadowplay can be used to help them understand their reactions, and get past them
[7:56] Zealot Benmergui: While it can entail a great deal of risk, and can go badly, with proper preperationand communication it can also be a tremendously positive tool
[7:57] ***GA*** raises hand
[7:57] Zealot Benmergui: Yes Miss***GA***
[7:57] ***GA***: Who would you say gains the most insight, the sub or Dom/me?
[7:58] Zealot Benmergui: ideally they are equal
[7:58] ***EC***: Is it always a sub's shadow?
[7:58] Zealot Benmergui: knowledge should be a two way street, and both sides should share their views on this
[7:58] Zealot Benmergui: No Miss Constantine, it isn't
[7:59] Zealot Benmergui: Dominants are, contrary to popular belief, also people..we have also gone through traumas and situations in the past that influence who we are today
[7:59] ***GA***: Would it be true that initially the Dom/me would gain insight with the sub gaining the full benefit with growing realistion of how the experience has 'released' and exorcised 'demons'?
[7:59] ***EC***: Oh I am aware of that Sir
[8:00] Zealot Benmergui: On several occasions I have engaged in Shadow play in order to look at my own demons, or relive a situation from my past I wished I could have handled differently
[8:00] ***GA*** nods
[8:00] ***EC***: thank you Sir
[8:00] Zealot Benmergui: It is a little different since I was also in control of the scene, but I really wanted to hear the woman's views on it all, and get her input into the situation
[8:01] ***GA***: So although the Dom/me still controls and guides the scene, either can be the 'subject' of Shadowplay?
[8:01] Zealot Benmergui: Miss***GA***, that is possible...but more often then not in that situation it is the sub who has the "click" egarding self knowledge...
[8:02] Zealot Benmergui: Indeed....though in one case I did ask the sub to safeword out if she felt I was out of control, or if I frieghtened her
[8:02] ***GA*** nods and smiles
[8:02] ***GA***: Thank you Z
[8:02] Zealot Benmergui: and of course, in live scenes, the big syringe of valium is at times helful
[8:03] ***GA***: lol
[8:03] ***EC***: do you have a spare Sir??
[8:03] ***XD***: lol
[8:03] ***GA***: Too bad if the syringe were part of the scene before hand lol
[8:03] ***EC***: hahahaha
[8:03] Zealot Benmergui: If it is essential, always keep a spare
[8:04] Zealot Benmergui: Well, before I release you I wish to remind you of three important points concerning Shadowplay...
[8:04] ***GA*** makes a mental note to check all cupboards and drawers
[8:04] Zealot Benmergui: It is dangerous, and should be handled with great care...
[8:04] Zealot Benmergui: Great care should always be taken with communication before hand, awareness during, and proper care following the scene
[8:05] Zealot Benmergui: and lastly...every person's milage may vary....as with all aspects of D/s, take what you agree with, disgard what you don;t like...and enjoy and grow in what you do.
[8:06] Zealot Benmergui: If anyone has questions or comments they wish to share privately, I am always availed for IM, whether I am online or not
[8:06] ***GA*** smiles and applauds "Thank you for such a thought provoking talk Z"
[8:06] ***XD***: it was an interesting discussion
[8:06] ***EC***: Thank you very much Sir, I have learned things today :-))
[8:06] ***TD***: Thank you for your time Sir
[8:07] Zealot Benmergui: Next week I will be lecturing in my normal Monday Morning slot, and speaking on "My submissive is a Virgin: D/s without Sex"
[8:07] ***JU***: thank you