Zen and the Art of Dominant Maitenance

[6:12] Zealot Benmergui: Welcome A/all to the House of V’s College of Kink. My name is Zealot Benmergui, Baron BardHaven and I will be your host today. The topic for today is Zen and the Art of Dominant Maitenance and we will be looking a little bit at tips for a new Dominant or one who is new to the lifestyle as well as how submissives can spot poseurs and/or help newcomers get their feet wet, or other parts. Please note that for the purpose of clarity, I will tend to use “she” to refer to a submissive and “he” to refer to a Dominant, but either can be of any gender.
[6:12] Zealot Benmergui whispers down to Aiko..no dear...remember I taught you about "human shields"...
[6:13] ***AR*** bite my lower lip
[6:13] ***AB*** grins and sighs , typical macho sexes
[6:13] ***RV***: lol
[6:13] Zealot Benmergui: smiles and pets her
[6:13] Zealot Benmergui: First of all, I want to put to rest a fallacy that I have often heard in BDSM clubs…namely that Doms are born that way. If you don’t have a bunch of 4 year old girls hitting their knees and bringing you cookies and juice in Pre-school. ..not to mention their mommies, then forget about ever being a Master.
[6:14] ***CH***: haha
[6:14] Zealot Benmergui: This is patently untrue. Sure a person may have a talent or predilection for being Dominant, but there is a long way to go from being dominant by nature to being A DOMINANT.
[6:14] Zealot Benmergui: And as for kneeling mommies..I don;t know ANYTHING about that....
[6:14] ***ZW*** raises hand
[6:14] ***RV***: mmhmm
[6:14] Zealot Benmergui: *smiles..Yes Miss***ZW***?
[6:14] ***ML***: ty sir
[6:15] ***AR*** wonder if I am not a kneeling mummie
[6:15] ***ZW***: Would the same hold true for submissives?
[6:15] ***AR***: mommie*
[6:15] ***AR***: not mummie, grins
[6:15] Zealot Benmergui: absolutely
[6:15] ***ZW*** nods
[6:15] ***CH***: mummies dont need a master :-)
[6:15] Zealot Benmergui: and for some points on becoming a submissive, check the transcript of my last lecture...
[6:15] ***AR*** laughs, feeling like a mummie
[6:15] Zealot Benmergui: or IM me after the class
[6:16] ***ZW***: thank you
[6:16] Zealot Benmergui: Just as incorrect is the statement that I have heard made before that a “real” Dominant has a submissive or three…without them, he is just a bossy wannabe. Again, that is pure foolishness. A Dominant is dominant in the middle of a crowded fetish club, or all alone in a locked room in Idaho with nothing but a Book of Mormon and a copy of Hustler from 1983…or anywhere in between.
[6:17] Zealot Benmergui: We are what we are...the place the distinctions come concern awareness, and experience...as we will talk about today
[6:17] Zealot Benmergui: It may be true that a person can’t really call themselves a Master or Mistress unless they have or at least have had submissives to call their own, but even THAT is open to interpretation.
[6:18] Zealot Benmergui: Different people use terms differently..and no one has the right to call someone wrong on a subjective point...in the end, what matters is not what we call ourselves, but how we ACT.
[6:19] Zealot Benmergui: So what does make a Dominant, beyond just the words? It is about learning, and exploring, and getting to know your true nature. I would say those three things are just as important in the long run as talent or desire. If that weren’t so, then why is it when you ask most submissives what they are looking for in a Dominant, one of the most common responses is EXPERIENCE?
[6:19] Zealot Benmergui: In fact, experience comes up much more often then spikey leather clothing, yet for some reason ALL online Masters a whole closet that stinks of cow, but far fewer have much experience in being a Dominant or a master.
[6:19] Zealot Benmergui: *have a whole closet
[6:19] ***AR*** laughs loudly
[6:20] ***CH***: posers:-)
[6:20] ***RV*** is glad she didn't wear her leather today
[6:20] ***AR*** chuckles to Miss ***RV***
[6:20] Zealot Benmergui: I hear what some of you are asking..or at least HOPEFULLY are asking yourselves… isn’t that a catch 22? How does a Dominant get experience, if all the submissive want them to already HAVE experience. Well, as in all walks of life, the trick is faking it, at least for a little while.
[6:21] ***CH***: and then fail:-(
[6:21] ***CH***: if you meet a real one...
[6:21] ***RV*** thinks the Domme has an advantage ...
[6:21] ***AB*** whispers : just chicken and hen
[6:21] Zealot Benmergui: Not failure...simply gaining the experience to match your appearence...
[6:21] Zealot Benmergui: Towards that end, today I will be giving away some secrets, describing ways for a Dominant to avoid looking like a complete neophyte (or asshole)…and some traits for submissives to avoid, at least if they are looking for experienced masters. Remember that many of these traits are equally true for both new but serious minded Dominant and obnoxious, thrill seeking tourists, so judge each person for yourself.
[6:22] ***TN***: Probably best to be upfront from the beginning to always let the other know it's constantly a learning experience.
[6:23] ***CM*** wonders if honesty is *always* the best policy
[6:23] ***CH***: is always:-)
[6:23] ***CM***: lol
[6:23] Zealot Benmergui: Certainly...I am not saying a Dominant should pretend...but that doesn;t mean he needs to act like a newcomer...
[6:24] ***AB***: and what about being just rebel ?
[6:24] Zealot Benmergui: which is a strange twist in the tale coming up.
[6:24] ***TN*** smiles
[6:24] Zealot Benmergui: First of all…shut up. In public, one of the first ways you can spot a new Dominant is by the fact he talks endlessly in open chat, and mostly nonsense. He chatters, laughs loud and apparently at random, acts like he thinks a “Master” is supposed to act, which usually is like a drunken frat boy in leather underwear. If you want to appear experienced, say little, choose your words carefully. I know at times we lose our heads and want to say everything at once, but try not to.
[6:24] ***ML***: lol
[6:25] ***HW*** chuckles
[6:25] Zealot Benmergui: Sometimes Wisdom is just not saying enough for people to see you are a fool...
[6:25] ***RV***: that is sooo true
[6:25] Zealot Benmergui: Next…calm down. Picking fights and calling names is a sign of insecurity, not dominance. Poseurs feel the need to try their manhood by acting like an asshat in public, and tend to look all the more absurd when you consider what are they going to do about their snit? Take the guy outside and pose at him? And as for insulting or pushing around submissives in public…no decent master would ever do such a thing.
[6:26] ***CM***: hear hear
[6:26] Zealot Benmergui: Planned punishments perhaps, but just plain bullying? No…and if they do they are likely to be called out and made to look like the fool they are by a real Dominant in the same room. A true Dominant is in control of himself and his emotions, or at least always appears to be.
[6:26] ***HW***: unless of course you knew the submissive personally and they enjoyed that kind of public humiliation
[6:26] Zealot Benmergui: exactly
[6:27] ***CH***: looks mostly foolish
[6:27] Zealot Benmergui: however, we have all seen the guys who walk into the club abd think they can push around the first "girl" they come across..since "hey, she said she is submissive..."
[6:27] ***HW*** nods
[6:27] Zealot Benmergui: to quote Dustin Hoffman as Captain Hook..."Bad form...bad form..."
[6:28] ***TN***: LOL
[6:28] ***AR*** smiles
[6:28] ***ZW*** smiles
[6:28] Zealot Benmergui: Going on...Thirdly, keep it light. A true Dominant knows the value of a gentle touch and warm smile, especially in public. Be polite, be witty, be courteous. Give compliments freely and honestly. Tip. Act like what a true Dominant is..a noble gentleman. Don’t be crude, be risqué…don’t be sarcastic, be sardonic…don’t be dismissive, be generous…don’t be arrogant, be confidant…don’t be evil, be diabolical.
[6:28] Zealot Benmergui: You will find that people will respond much more readily to a genial and clever manner then they will a lot of bombast…despite the stereotype.
[6:29] ***ZW*** loves the word 'sardonic'
[6:29] ***TN*** nods....so true.
[6:29] ***TN*** runs to look up the word in her dictionarly :P
[6:29] Zealot Benmergui: Fourth, find your own style and love it. A true Dominant is an individual before he is anything. In manner, in dress, in decoration...he walks his own path. Find what suits you, and stick to it. Don’t be a slave to changing fashion, or fads, or what some other guy is wearing. And then once you find your style, be consistent and subtle about it. Those are the kinds of cues that show self-confidence, a calm and direct nature, a mature sensibility.
[6:30] ***CH***: :-)
[6:30] ***CH***: loves his style
[6:30] ***AR*** lover her Master, purss up to him
[6:31] Zealot Benmergui: And lastly...and here is the twist I mentioned...be honest. Be frank and open about the fact you are learning, and what you are looking for both in a submissive and yourself. Don;t try and pass yourself off as something you are not..you will just end up looking like a shmuck.
[6:31] ***CM*** struggles to find the exit on her wardrobe...oh shit
[6:31] Zealot Benmergui: Remember..submissives talk to each other. Once you earn a reputation as a lousy Master, or worse, a jerk, it is harder to lose then ugly luggage.
[6:32] ***ZW*** chuckles
[6:32] Zealot Benmergui: Be honest about the fact you are new, but strive not to "seem" new.
[6:32] ***RV***: do you think it's important to admit that you will make mistakes?
[6:32] Zealot Benmergui: Of course
[6:32] ***AR*** agree
[6:32] Zealot Benmergui: since any person who thinks they won;t make mistakes aren;t dominant, they are deluded
[6:33] ***HW***: we only truely learn by our errors
[6:33] Zealot Benmergui: and unless the submissive is suffering from serious head trauma and/or crystal meth...she won;t buy it
[6:34] Zealot Benmergui: She will appretiate the show of humility and realism if you ADMIT your mistakes...being stubborn and refusing to concede error is not only a turn off, but very very foolish.
[6:34] ***RV***: nods
[6:34] Zealot Benmergui: These five traits speak volumes about a person, and can be practiced and worked on in all of your dealings, both online and in the real world. They may not replace experience, but I can promise you they will ensure that you GET experience pretty damn quick…and looking for them will help a submissive to avoid having to regret kneeling to a man who said he had all the answers, but had a lot of trouble even remembering the questions.
[6:35] ***ZW*** laughs
[6:35] Zealot Benmergui: Now then, I open the question to the floor…what traits show you a master is experienced, or at least is serious about it, and what behavior do you try to steer clear of in a Dominant?
[6:35] ***HW***: instant collarer and collectors
[6:35] Zealot Benmergui: nods
[6:35] ***CH***: haremfreaks:-)
[6:35] ***TN*** steers clear of the arrogant cocky ones for sure!
[6:35] ***ZW***: i look for wisdom, not experience
[6:35] ***CM***: *sighs* yes - was one of 13 once
[6:36] Zealot Benmergui: piecrust collars, to pervert MAry Poppins..easily made, easily broken
[6:36] ***HW***: ones carrying womanbeater2000's
[6:36] ***RV*** avoids those who assume that just because you're a woman, you must also be submissive
[6:36] ***CH***: looks where his manbeater is ----
[6:36] ***TN*** prefers the type that seems calm, cool, collected....in control of HIMSELF first.
[6:36] ***DH***: quiet confidence, manners, strong but gentle spirit are attractive
[6:36] ***ZW***: maturity, style, a good vocabulary
[6:36] ***ML***: i watch to see if He remembers things that were said the day before, or the day before that....a real Master listens
[6:37] Zealot Benmergui writes this stuff down
[6:37] ***ZW***: and a sense of humor
[6:37] ***CM***: I was told I was too soft - is that considered bad?
[6:37] ***HW***: a good assessment can be taken by the amount of quality time the Dominant is prepared to spend with their submissive
[6:37] ***RV***: too soft is subjective
[6:37] ***HW***: tells you more than it answers
[6:38] ***ML***: i like situations that go "off-script" too...tells me more about the person
[6:38] ***AR***: noone is perfect, Master as submissive, we can have different needs, a Dom and sub must know what they seek and be ablet to communicate it out
[6:38] ***AR***: able*
[6:39] ***CH***: many subs also dont seem to know what they seek:-(
[6:39] ***AR***: snif, i have a cold, sorry...cant talk clear :)
[6:39] ***RV***: lol
[6:39] ***ZW***: subs can also be inexperienced
[6:39] ***AR***: true Sir Consultant, it take time too to fins out as a sub, I can speak for myself
[6:39] Zealot Benmergui: nods..looking at your responses, the element that keeps coming tomind is "serious"..he takes his submissives, and the situation seriously...not a fly by night operator or someone just looking to get laid
[6:39] ***HW*** passes Aiko an xcite hankie for her cold
[6:39] ***AR***: Thank you Miss ***HW*** :)
[6:40] ***HW*** smirks
[6:40] Zealot Benmergui: in fact, I would say the only thing he shouldn;t take seriously is himself
[6:40] ***TN***: It is important for a submissive to know that she is giving herself to someone that understands what she is giving up to Him.
[6:40] ***CM***: May I ask a questioln?
[6:40] ***RV***: true that
[6:40] ***ZW*** nods
[6:40] Zealot Benmergui: certainly
[6:40] ***CM***: is it possible to be interested in bdsm....
[6:41] ***AR***: may I ask a question
[6:41] ***HW***: a thing to watch for I'd say is a dominant that can laugh at themselves as it shows someone who is not controlled by their own ego
[6:41] ***CM***: .....but perhaps not be interesteed in beiubg either sub or ZDomme
[6:41] ***CM***: ?
[6:41] Zealot Benmergui: Certainly Miss ***CM***
[6:41] ***IB***: for me, the whole buzz is someone knowing what's right for me ... someone who speaks to me in the right voice and gives me a command that makes me feel he knows me ... I HATE men who negotiate in IM
[6:41] ***RV*** raises her hand as a Switch
[6:41] Zealot Benmergui: I like Pie, but I have no desire to roll out any crust
[6:41] ***CM***: ok
[6:42] ***ZW*** frowns as she struggles to puzzle that one out
[6:42] ***ZW*** smiles as the light bulb comes on
[6:42] Zealot Benmergui: you will find what suits you..for you, BDSM may simply be something you enjoy as part of your sex life, but that doesn;t define you..or you may be a Switch, flipping back abd fourth between Dom and sub as the spirit moves you...or moves other things
[6:43] ***RV*** grins
[6:43] ***CM***: yes...
[6:43] ***AR***: May I please ask?
[6:43] Zealot Benmergui: Youhad a question too, my Aiko?
[6:43] ***CM***: I am attracted
[6:43] ***CM***: but I constantly fail
[6:43] ***AR***: smiles thank you, my Master
[6:43] ***CM***: so for me it has become play....and less satisfying perhaps
[6:43] ***ZW***: me too Catherine
[6:43] ***AR***: I know of somebody, that not are into bdsm, but am Dom and sub
[6:43] ***ML***: fail?
[6:44] ***DH***: fail? perhaps you are using someone elses rules, not your own
[6:44] ***CM***: as a sub I am terrible
[6:44] Zealot Benmergui: You don;t fail..you just haven;t found a situation that succeeds yet
[6:44] ***CM***: as a Domme I am worse
[6:44] ***CM***: lol
[6:44] Zealot Benmergui: yes Aiko?
[6:44] ***TN***: maybe more of the mental part of D/s then Aiko?
[6:44] ***AR***: well
[6:44] Zealot Benmergui: they follow D/s as a lifestyle, but are not into BDSM sexually?
[6:44] ***HW***: you are not failing catherine - you are learning
[6:44] ***AR***: how become apart of the lifestyle if you are Dom/sub but not into bdsm
[6:45] ***CM*** nods a little uncertainly
[6:45] ***AR***: many in the Gorean lifestyle is
[6:45] Zealot Benmergui: Simple...and I have said this last week as well..D/s is NOT about sex
[6:45] ***RV***: that's where one has to see the difference between D/s as a lifestyle and BDSM as a sexual practice
[6:45] Zealot Benmergui: it may be expressed sexually for most people, but it is not required
[6:45] ***CH***: and GOR is NOT BDSM
[6:45] ***TN*** nods
[6:45] ***RV*** agrees emphatically
[6:45] Zealot Benmergui: Gor is Gor..and we aren;t discussing it here and now...
[6:46] ***AR***: and many see bdsm as Dom/sub, as sex
[6:46] Zealot Benmergui: for one thing, I left my horned helmet in my other suit
[6:46] ***DH***: lol
[6:46] Zealot Benmergui: nods...I know they do love..but it isn;t
[6:47] Zealot Benmergui: some perfectly vanilla people relationship wise whip the living daylights out of each other...some very strict D/s types have never seen one another naked...
[6:47] Zealot Benmergui: there is no RIGHT way...each person's milage may vary
[6:47] ***RV***: that's also a good sign of a good Dom/me. He/she knows that sex isn't a requirement for a D/s relationship, and knows how to Dominate without having to be in the bedroom
[6:48] ***TN***: Oh I so agree ***RV***!
[6:48] ***CH***: bdsm is not a freesex-game ?
[6:48] ***CH***: oopps:-)
[6:48] Zealot Benmergui: damn, did we just ruin your evening?
[6:48] ***RV***: lol
[6:48] ***TN***: O.o
[6:48] ***ZW*** chuckles
[6:49] ***CH***: thought many times when being around here
[6:49] Zealot Benmergui: A point was brought up by many of you that I think is worth looking at...
[6:50] Zealot Benmergui: what has been called collecting, or collaring multiple girls
[6:50] Zealot Benmergui: some Doms do it, some don;t...
[6:50] ***CH***: thinks its from gor or other roleplays
[6:50] Zealot Benmergui: it depends very much on the relationships, and the Master's own needs and tastes..but I agree that it should never be done lightly, or quickly
[6:50] ***RV***: there's nothing wrong with collaring multiple subs, imo, it's just when it's about the number of subs instead of about what makes people happy in a relationship, poly or no.
[6:51] Zealot Benmergui: it depends I feel on attitude, on the amount of time the Dom can devote, and being open and honest about it
[6:52] ***RV***: plus, it's HARD to have more than one sub, it's work to make sure everyone's needs are met and everyone is taken care of.
[6:52] ***TN***: I don't see any problems with it, but it's probably wise to make sure AHEAD of time, that the subs get along with each other as well as the Dom and sub do.
[6:52] Zealot Benmergui: no girl likes to log on and find she has three sisters...in her bed at that moment
[6:52] ***TN***: That is important and avoids a lot of future conflict
[6:52] Zealot Benmergui: I agree completely
[6:53] Zealot Benmergui: before things get serious with a girl, she needs to know if this will be exclusive, or if he may have/take other girls..and how that will affecther
[6:53] ***CH***: wonders why someone is nort satisfied with one ....
[6:53] ***AR***: raise a hand
[6:53] Zealot Benmergui: a very very difficult question..and one I spent three years trying to find a decent answer to
[6:53] Zealot Benmergui: yes my Aiko?
[6:54] ***AR***: I belive, that a man can get different things from different subs
[6:54] ***AR***: as the sub can
[6:54] ***RV*** agrees
[6:54] Zealot Benmergui: nods...that is definetly true my dear
[6:54] ***ML*** nods
[6:54] ***AR***: Zealot have aloud me to have othres as long he aprove it :)
[6:55] Zealot Benmergui: and at the risk of having live animals thrown at me, some masters find themselves in a situation where more then one girl need his help, or care....
[6:55] ***TN***: I think it is great for a dominant to have another sub, because it provides the subs someone else to confide in, and talk to , and they both know their dominant on the same level.
[6:55] Zealot Benmergui: nods...yes dar...since in the interests of honesty, I told you I cannot promise monogomy online..and I believe that there must be tit for tat...but not all Master's agree with that.
[6:56] ***TN***: As a sub, I like the friendship part of having a 'sister'
[6:56] ***TN***: Maybe it's like being an only child or something, lol
[6:56] Zealot Benmergui: Yes Miss ***TN***..which is a nuance that must be carefully tended...it is important that a master not take a new sub that any girls he already has dislike, or don;t feel they can get along with
[6:56] ***ML*** agrees with tiff!!
[6:56] ***AR***: it is up to the Master to make it sure for the subs to come along with each other
[6:56] Zealot Benmergui: Also it is up to the Master to avoid girls that say the right things, then try to undermine other girls
[6:57] ***AR***: I was in the same chain with a another woman
[6:57] ***TN*** nods
[6:57] ***AR***: she is my best gf firend online today
[6:57] ***AR***: as long its not a competition
[6:57] ***TN***: yeah, that's the keyword!
[6:57] ***CH***: ok.. thats the definition of the partnership then...
[6:58] Zealot Benmergui: competition between girls with one Master can get very ugly, very quickly..and it is easy to blame the girls, but it is the Master's fault, 9 times out of 10
[6:58] ***CH***: girls fighting with each others ?
[6:59] Zealot Benmergui: He needs to manage the situation, either before it starts, or after the fact
[6:59] ***RV***: the lack of competition means everything ... each sub must know what value they bring to the relationship, and how it's *different* from the other subs in the picture
[6:59] ***RV***: and that's up to the Dom/me to determine and explain
[6:59] ***TN*** smiles
[6:59] ***TN***: I agree Rowen!
[6:59] ***AR***: yes, subs fighting with each other to get the Doms atension
[6:59] ***CH***: that sounds ugly
[6:59] Zealot Benmergui: it is very very common
[7:00] ***CH***: dont like drama
[7:00] ***CH***: had enough
[7:00] Zealot Benmergui: and one of the hardest things for an inexperienced Master to deal with..hell it is no picnic for one with 20 years experience
[7:00] Zealot Benmergui: inevitably the temptation is to choose sides
[7:01] Zealot Benmergui: "OH, poor Bunny is being picked on by that mean old Grizelda..."
[7:01] ***CH***: does it not start with this "first-pet" thing ?
[7:01] ***AR*** looks up to her Master, pls duties in rl, to take care off, may i leave?
[7:01] Zealot Benmergui: nods
[7:01] Zealot Benmergui: certainly love..be safe and well...and enjoy
[7:01] ***ML***: wow what a name grizelda
[7:01] ***ML*** giggles
[7:02] ***RV***: i may be wrong about this, but in my opinion, the only reason to have more than one sub is because different people meet different needs. if that's not happening, if someone is just collecting, there's no way to differentiate the realtionships from each other and entirely too easy to take sides or have favorites
[7:02] ***AR***: I wish you well A7all....kisses my Masters palms and waves farewell palms
[7:02] ***ZW*** waves to Aiko
[7:02] ***CH***: is it nhuman to take favourites ?
[7:03] ***CH***: not
[7:03] Zealot Benmergui: it is..but just as when parenting, it should be avoided if possible
[7:04] Zealot Benmergui: since if girls who are already competitve feel you can be made to play favorites...you are dead
[7:04] ***TN***: To me, it seems really similar to taking care of children, or parenting. And I have to say, I've probably cared for kids more mature than some subs!
[7:04] ***TN***: lol
[7:04] ***ML***: as long as there is communication between the Masters and the subs.. there shouldnt be conflicts
[7:04] Zealot Benmergui: release them all and go herd goats somewhere
[7:04] ***RV***: lol
[7:05] ***CH***: :-)
[7:05] Zealot Benmergui: well, I am glad someone said Communication so Pirate will enjoy the transcript
[7:05] ***CH***: or let them fight and take the winner ?:-)
[7:05] ***ML***: giggles
[7:05] ***VS***: laughs
[7:05] Zealot Benmergui: but you are also right...the only way to defuse that sort of sitaution is to drop all Master/sub trappings and just talk
[7:05] Zealot Benmergui: THIS is what we have, this is what we have to gain, what is the problem, how can we solve it?
[7:06] ***TN***: Yes I agree
[7:06] ***TN***: It's best to be mature about it
[7:06] ***ML***: sometimes someone elses preception maybe differnt than what is actually happening..
[7:06] ***RV*** agrees ... time to talk outside the D/s roles is critical
[7:06] ***TN***: Some get so caught up in other 'motives'
[7:06] Zealot Benmergui: you need to shake them up, make them see it...
[7:07] ***ML*** needs a good shaking every once in awhile
[7:07] ***TN*** winks at Mercy
[7:07] Zealot Benmergui: Let them see that the issue is likely a trifle..but it has gained massive importance
[7:07] ***RV***: spanking? oh wait ... ahem.
[7:08] ***CH***: looks where the spanker is ....
[7:08] Zealot Benmergui: nods..jah, jah,. unt zen ze jacussi spankingz
[7:08] ***ML*** bloss a kiss to tiff ;)
[7:08] ***RV*** grins
[7:08] ***ML***: blows*
[7:08] ***TN*** catches it
[7:09] ***VS***: is trying to get a room for the kitties
[7:09] ***ML*** giggles
[7:09] ***TN***: :)
[7:10] Zealot Benmergui: certainly any sitation is made better by being open about it..which again comes with exsperience..the instinct in a new Dom is to either bully a problem away, or just avoid it
[7:10] Zealot Benmergui: "If you aren;t happy that this girl who htes you is on your poseballs, it means you are not truly submissive..."
[7:10] ***DC***: no Dom needs to be a Bully Sir a word will work
[7:10] Zealot Benmergui: *hates
[7:11] Zealot Benmergui: Doms often confuse "True submission" with "Not calling me a mother fucker when I deserve it"
[7:11] ***TN***: lol
[7:11] ***DC***: lol
[7:11] ***DH***: hagha
[7:11] ***ZW*** grins
[7:12] ***DC***: If i talk too much Master just sticks His crop in my mouth to hold
[7:12] ***DC***: very effective
[7:12] Zealot Benmergui: A good submissive speaks up when she is unhappy..and a wise Dom listens
[7:13] ***DC***: how true
[7:13] Zealot Benmergui: that doesn;t mean she gets all she wants...but she should have the right to speak her views
[7:13] ***VS***: a good master should may feel that something is wrong before she has to speak up
[7:13] ***RV***: and have them addressed
[7:13] ***VS***: *maybe*
[7:13] Zealot Benmergui: He may, or he may not...that is not always easy
[7:13] ***DC***: no Master can read minds though
[7:14] ***DC***: its a submissive duty to tell Him what is going on
[7:14] ***RV*** agrees
[7:14] ***DC***: up!
[7:14] ***DC***: up!
[7:14] ***DC***: ive been a 24/7 rl slave for 8 years and i tell Him
[7:15] Zealot Benmergui: nods...it is very important that communication can go both ways
[7:15] ***DC***: yes Sir Lord Zealot true
[7:15] Zealot Benmergui: too many Doms also feel that since they are the "Master" they either shouldn;t have to explain, or that doing so is some kind of weakness
[7:16] ***RV***: which is so counterproductive, since sometimes all that's needed is an explanation. sometimes the only thing that's wrong is that the sub doesn't know why something is happening
[7:17] Zealot Benmergui: nods..and the hardest thing for an inexperienced Dom to say, simply because they forget that they may need to?
[7:17] Zealot Benmergui: I'm sorry
[7:17] ***TN*** smiles
[7:17] ***TN***: You mean Doms can be wrong????
[7:17] ***TN*** gasps!
[7:17] ***RV*** laughs
[7:17] ***TN***: lol
[7:18] Zealot Benmergui: Once in a blue moon....yes
[7:18] ***DC***: if they are they dont usually admit to it lol
[7:18] ***ML***: hard to trust a person who doesn't see when they're wrong
[7:18] ***CH***: subs and masters
[7:18] ***DC***: true
[7:19] ***DB***: agrees
[7:19] ***DC***: it all boils down to communication and trust Sir
[7:19] ***TN*** nods
[7:19] ***CH***: trust is everything...
[7:19] ***TN***: ...and respect
[7:19] Zealot Benmergui: Oooo..Pirate is going to love this part
[7:20] ***ML***: lol
[7:22] ***DB*** listens intently
[7:22] Zealot Benmergui: respect, trust, communication...not things the mainstream associates with BDSM or D/s
[7:22] Zealot Benmergui: wich is why they are things which newcomers must be shown, and taught
[7:22] ***CH***: and thats the problem esp. here in sl
[7:23] ***ML***: becomes very clear rl the first time you're tied to the bed
[7:23] Zealot Benmergui: nods
[7:23] ***DC***: oh Yes
[7:23] ***CH***: but most have no rl-experience
[7:23] Zealot Benmergui: which again, is part of the problem with translating those things to rl
[7:23] ***CH***: and dont even think about it
[7:23] Zealot Benmergui: *to Sl, that is
[7:24] ***DB***: those 3 traits are the core of any relationship
[7:24] Zealot Benmergui: in SL, what the hell, you submit to some guy who says "Hey U goo d loking bitch we fukok?
[7:24] Zealot Benmergui: it goes ugly, you log off, say "Ass hole and have a diet coke...
[7:24] ***TN***: lmao
[7:24] ***RV***: lmao
[7:25] ***DC***: lol
[7:25] Zealot Benmergui: in RL, that can get you killed..so you take time, and care, and be sure the man you submit to will take care of you..if you are wise
[7:25] ***CH***: very sure...
[7:25] ***CH***: and also as master ...
[7:25] ***CH***: dont take anyone
[7:25] ***CH***: :-)
[7:25] ***CM***: please excuse me - I must get to rl
[7:25] Zealot Benmergui: very very few of us, subs and DOms both, take the care we take in the rl lifestyle with us in SL..even though often the emotions are the same.
[7:26] ***CH***: i at least try to
[7:26] ***DC***: yes Sir true
[7:26] ***DH***: very true
[7:27] Zealot Benmergui: I Know I don;t always do so...and should strive to do so more
[7:27] ***DC***: it is very important Sir mind wise
[7:28] Zealot Benmergui: I agree completely
[7:28] ***RV***: i try to look at it the same as RL ... would i be with this person in rl? if the answer is yes, then i'm good. if not, there's a problem, imo
[7:28] Zealot Benmergui: nods..in Sl we excuse a lot of behavior...
[7:28] ***DC***: that is good
[7:28] ***CH***: i dont anymore
[7:28] ***TN***: That's a good way to put it ***RV***
[7:29] Zealot Benmergui: brb
[7:29] ***RV*** smiles at Tiffini
[7:29] ***ML***: mmhmm i agree ***RV***!!
[7:29] ***DC***: You should not excuse bad behavior in sl as well as in rl Sir
[7:29] ***TN***: oooh, brb too
[7:30] ***RV***: lol, and the whole class goes afk
[7:30] ***CH***: i am still here:-)
[7:30] ***ML*** is here
[7:30] ***DC***: not all of us
[7:30] ***ZW***: me too
[7:30] ***ML***: hb!!! cause i love to mess with sitting avi's!!
[7:30] ***RV*** was making a joke
[7:30] ***DC***: lol
[7:30] ***DB***: may i ask if this also applies to Mistresses too when you say Master :)
[7:30] ***ML***: starts to blow up her blow up doll
[7:30] ***ML***: yes denise it does
[7:31] ***DB***: thank you
[7:31] ***DC***: some Doms seem to think they cant be kind or its a sign of weakness
[7:31] ***ML***: Master and Mistress are considered the domme
[7:31] ***ML***: then they are usually new!!
[7:31] ***ML***: or insecure
[7:31] ***DC***: mine is very kind but very strict when needed
[7:31] ***DB***: that is because there security rest on there subs insecurity
[7:31] ***ML***: or...you know....wannabes
[7:31] ***DC***: yes true
[7:31] Zealot Benmergui: back
[7:31] ***DB***: it is a sign of weakness not strenght
[7:31] ***ZW***: welcome back
[7:32] ***ML***: wb Sir
[7:32] ***DC***: smiles welcome back sir Zeralot
[7:32] ***DB***: wb :)
[7:32] ***DC***: yes Doms can be kind and strict
[7:32] ***DC***: both
[7:32] ***DB***: agrees
[7:33] ***DH***: everyone has a right to be any way they want to be in SL or RL, it is up to me to decide if this is the type of person I wish to interact with
[7:33] Zealot Benmergui: first when I say Dom or Master I mean both Dom/Domme and Master/Mistress..the rules are the same for both, in all respects
[7:33] Zealot Benmergui: and secondly, I am a marshmallow
[7:33] ***DB***: lol
[7:33] ***DC***: a marshmallow? a Dom lol
[7:33] ***RV*** looks for chocolate and graham crackers
[7:33] ***ML***: toasted on the outside?
[7:33] ***ZW*** smiles and doubts that
[7:34] ***ML*** giggles at melodie
[7:34] ***ML***: mmmm.s'mores
[7:34] ***ML***: mmmmmm
[7:34] ***DC***: id be careful around taht combination Sir
[7:34] ***DB***: i am too :) a marshmello is flexible and not limited
[7:34] ***DH***: *imagines Zealot as a s'more* mmmm
[7:34] ***ML***: giggles
[7:34] ***ML***: stop it im getting hungry!!
[7:34] ***ML***: hahaha
[7:34] ***ZW***: and very tasty
[7:34] Zealot Benmergui: easy there ladies..I tend to shy away from hot pointy wires
[7:34] ***DC***: im sure He can be hard when needed
[7:34] ***RV*** imagines Zealot as part of any kind of gooey, hot, sweet dessert
[7:35] ***ZW*** licks her lips
[7:35] ***RV*** coughs
[7:35] Zealot Benmergui loosens his tie..Going on
[7:35] ***ML*** covers her ears
[7:35] ***DC***: like the graham crackers on the outside
[7:35] ***RV***: hehehe
[7:35] ***ML***: hehehehe
[7:35] ***DC***: sorry i meant strict not hard
[7:35] ***DC*** blushes
[7:35] ***DH***: Sorry,,,stuck on hot goooey chocolate
[7:36] Zealot Benmergui: That sort of thing is a matter of personal style and the desires of the subs...
[7:36] Zealot Benmergui: some giels like very firm, no nonsense dominants. Other's like "Doms-a-lot Bear"
[7:36] Zealot Benmergui: *girls
[7:36] ***ZW***: so, Zealot, what i should look for in a Master is?
[7:36] ***RV***: lmao @ Doms-a-lot
[7:36] Zealot Benmergui: if I had to give a very short answer...
[7:37] Zealot Benmergui: a man who asks YOU that question
[7:37] ***DC***: what do you want in a Master first
[7:37] Zealot Benmergui: "What are you looking for in a Master?"
[7:37] ***DC***: smiels
[7:37] ***ZW*** nods
[7:37] ***DC***: i looked for a Master that had what i wanted in a Master
[7:38] Zealot Benmergui: Sometimes it is not that sijmple
[7:38] ***DC***: no sir not at all
[7:38] Zealot Benmergui: but a willingness to discuss what you wish, and to work on meeting those needs, is always a very very good sign
[7:38] ***ZW***: since i am new at this also, that is a difficult question
[7:39] Zealot Benmergui: nods...when you don;t know what you want...go with what feels right
[7:39] Zealot Benmergui: feel free to IM, to chat, to talk, to flirt...
[7:39] ***DC***: please excuse my rl new Master needs me now ill hopefully see You all again
[7:39] ***ZW***: but thanks to discussions like this, i am getting closer to an answer
[7:39] Zealot Benmergui: gather information, and then be direct
[7:40] ***RV***: someone once said to me that "No collar is forever, despite all best intentions ... each collar is a path to the next stage." I firmly believe that if you don't at first succeed, try, try again
[7:40] ***RV***: and sometimes the process of being in the wrong relationship helps identify the right one
[7:40] Zealot Benmergui: That is very true...
[7:40] ***ZW***: thank you ***RV***, those are good words to remember
[7:41] ***DH***: must be off,,,,,thank you for the wonderful discussion
[7:41] ***TN***: That is so true....the best lessons are sometimes learned from our mistakes.
[7:41] Zealot Benmergui: My pleasure.,...
[7:41] ***TN*** knows all too well she ends up learning the hard way
[7:41] ***ML*** wb tiff
[7:41] Zealot Benmergui: Next MOnday, same time, I will be speaking on "The Collar...Symbol and Substance"..as suggested by Miss ***AH***
[7:42] ***TN***: OH thanks....I'm back!
[7:42] ***TN***: lol
[7:42] ***ML***: ooOooo
[7:42] ***RV***: oooo, excellent topic
[7:42] ***ML***: that will take away this 4 page question i was fixing to ask then!!
[7:42] ***ZW*** sighs
[7:42] ***ZW***: next monday this time i will be at work
[7:42] ***RV***: lol Mercedes
[7:42] Zealot Benmergui: all transcripts are available on the website set up by Pirate, or IM me for a copy
[7:43] ***DB***: is there a way of obtaining notes
[7:43] ***ZW***: oh, what is the site?
[7:43] ***DB***: thank you :)
[7:43] Zealot Benmergui: or just bounce a chastity belt off the back of my head in the club
[7:43] ***ZW***: hehe
[7:43] Zealot Benmergui: she always tells me, I never remember,.....
[7:43] ***RV***: with or without a person insdie?
[7:43] ***ML*** points .. its that way!!!
[7:43] ***ML***: http://www.collegeofkink.blogspot.com/
[7:44] ***ML***: ty mel
[7:44] ***ZW***: Thanks Melodie
[7:44] Zealot Benmergui: bless you Miss ***ML***
[7:45] ***ML*** smiles....happy to help
[7:45] Zealot Benmergui: BTW..I am always gathering topics..if there is something you want to hear me talk about pertaining to D/s, BDSM, or the upcoming NBA season, suggest it to me