Polyamory & Jealousy - Thursday

[13:07] Pirate Russell: Welcome to House of V's College of Kink, My name is Pirate Russell, Head Mistress of the College, and today's instructor. I have been in SL for nearly 3 years, a lesbian Domme, the entire time.
[13:08] Pirate Russell: Our topic today: Polyamory and Jealousy
[13:09] Pirate Russell sighs, lag is affecting Me as well, if this gets long, the transcript will be at http://www.collegeofkink.blogspot.com
[13:09] MystiTool HUD 1.0.23: Entering chat range: Astarte Inglewood (19m)
[13:09] Pirate Russell: Polyamory (from Greek πολυ [poly, meaning many or several] and Latin amor [literally “love”]) is the desire, practice, or acceptance of having more than one loving, intimate relationship at a time,
[13:09] Pirate Russell: WITH THE FULL KNOWLEDGE AND CONCENT OF EVERYONE INVOLVED.
[13:10] Pirate Russell: What Polyamory is NOT.
[13:11] Pirate Russell: Poly is NOT Swinging, Swinging has a different focus. Swingers focus on recreational sex, though friendships and deeper bonds may develop. With polyamory, deep relationships are the focus, though the sex is often fun.
[13:11] Pirate Russell: Poly is NOT a girlfriend on the side. That is something different as well. The technical term for that is "cheating." Cheating means "fraud, deceit, swindling."
[13:11] Pirate Russell: The very definition of Polyamory includes "with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved".
[13:12] Pirate Russell: Rules: There are, of course, as many different varieties of polyamory as there are people; there's no one right way to create a polyamorous relationship, though ethical polyamorous relationships do involve honesty, respect, and compassion.
[13:12] Pirate Russell: Being polyamorous does not give you license to make like a bunny in heat.
[13:12] Pirate Russell: A polyamorous relationship isn't about sex; it's about building a romantic relationship with more than one person at a time.
[13:13] Pirate Russell: In fact, people who can't commit to one person sure as hell can't make a lasting commitment to two!
[13:13] Pirate Russell: Basic Terminology
[13:13] Pirate Russell: --Primary - word often used in a hierarchal multi-person relationship to denote the person with whom one is most strongly onded
[13:14] Pirate Russell: make that "Bonded" at the end
[13:14] Pirate Russell: --Secondary - follows from primary, in a hierarchal relationship,denotes a person with whom one is involved without the emotional,legal, or economic complexities and commitments of primary bonding.
[13:14] Pirate Russell: --Triads or Triangles - three people involved in some way. Often used in a fairly committed sense, in some cases involving ceremonies of commitment, but also used simply to mean "three people who are connected".
[13:15] Pirate Russell: --"V", "W", "N", etc - Three people, where the structure puts one person at the bottoms, or "hinges" of the figures, also called the pivot points. For example, a vee, the arm partners are not as commonly close to each other as each is to the pivot.
[13:15] Pirate Russell: One question that usually comes up is, "Shouldn't one mate be enough?"
[13:15] anmaerlice Mayo: whispers right next to you its real laged so wait
[13:16] Pirate Russell: First, no one person is a perfect fit for another, or we'd not have friends. We'd pair up, go home and never log into SL, or Yahoo Instant Messenger.
[13:16] Pirate Russell: We'd never call anyone but our *Perfect Match*
[13:17] Pirate Russell: That extends to more intimate relationships, as well, in RL I LOVE My husband dearly. But he's only got a penis, I LOVE to give oral sex to women, too!
[13:17] Pirate Russell: I don't do that in RL, but in SL I get to all the time, remember I'm "Mono-sexual". It doens't mean I love him any less!
[13:17] Pirate Russell: It's like when you have children. Just because you have a second child, it doesn't mean you love the first any less....
[13:18] Pirate Russell: Questions or comments regarding this VERY basic overview of Polyamory?
[13:19] ***CP***: lag killed me getting here whats the basic definition? sorry
[13:19] Pirate Russell: Polyamory (from Greek πολυ [poly, meaning many or several] and Latin amor [literally “love”]) is the desire, practice, or acceptance of having more than one loving, intimate relationship at a time,
[13:20]***AK***: [13:09] Pirate Russell sighs, lag is affecting Me as well, if this gets long, the transcript will be at http://collegeofkink.blogspot.com
[13:20] ***CP***: thank u sorry for being late
[13:20] Pirate Russell: WITH THE FULL KNOWLEDGE AND CONCENT OF EVERYONE INVOLVED.
[13:21] ***CP***: don u think its hard to find a woman that would sign up for this?
[13:21] Pirate Russell: Thanks ***CP***, it won't be up probably 'till later, however... possibly MUCH later
[13:21] Pirate Russell: I would and My SL wife would. She'd move here in a New York Minute, if My Hubby signed off on it!
[13:21] ***RD***: not hard at all
[13:22] ***CP***: yes in SL yes, in real life i must be in the wrong cirlces US is so conservative on secaulity
[13:22] Pirate Russell: It's all about the relationsips, the sex comes from those, it's not like swinging whre you hook-up first, THEN get to know someone
[13:22] ***KO***: that's b/c the US is very conservative in some regards
13:23] Pirate Russell: VERY TRUE, the churches and the government, only recognize marriage as one man, and one woman, anything else is WRONG, and until very recently ILLEGAL in some places in the US
[13:24] Pirate Russell: Well, a few isolated places recognize 'Gay Marriage', as well, but generally speaking this is the case
[13:24] ***RD***: but..Ms Russell..the example you just used about your husband and your SL partner -does- indicate sexuality plays a lard part.." he only has a penis" does not sound as if you are supporting your own statemetns
[13:25] ***RK*** thinks she is 'swinging' wrong as she gets to know them first then decides about sex.
[13:25] Pirate Russell: Yes, it would, but I fell in love with twolipps a LONG time ago, This is her 3rd avi, I've known her nearly 3 yrs here
[13:25] ***TN*** smiles as Europe leads the way in enlightenment in this regard....in comparison
[13:25] Pirate Russell: And that's part of the problem, He doesn't know her
[13:25] ***CP***: 2nd life seems to be so much more free, but I do find when I get close to woman, that intamacy, not just sex, is really seems to be of paramount concern and many women I meat monogomy is synonomous with true intamacy
[13:26] ***CP***: sorry for the type errors
[13:26] ***CP***: even in 2nd life most women I meet in the end want true intamacy
[13:26] Pirate Russell: Ok, guess it's time for My quick little speach.... he he.... it's all about the RELATIONSHIP, and relationships take...... COMMUNICATION
[13:27] Pirate Russell: Each relationsip, Vanilla or D/s, or even a quick hook up, takes some kind of communication to establish what W/we want
[13:28] Pirate Russell: I LIKE intimacy, and know that My girls, ***BH*** and ***IM***, here like it too!
[13:28] ***CP***: good point, any thoughts on how to bring up this subject?
[13:28] ***CP***: with a partner
[13:29] ***RD***: friendship
[13:29] Pirate Russell: That's a tough one, actually, but it's similar to anything you'd want to 'try'..... spanking, handcuffs, whipped creme, etc
[13:29] Pirate Russell: just gotta talk about it, I know on HBO there's a show about polygamy (multiple wives)
[13:29] Pirate Russell: the title escapes Me, at the moment
[13:30] Katey Koskinen: Big Love
[13:30] Pirate Russell: Thanks, Katey
[13:30] Pirate Russell: Yes, that's it
[13:30] Katey Koskinen: ; )
[13:30] ***CP***: sorry for the questions very curious
[13:30] ***RK***: open and honest about what one hopes it will bring to any relationship, concerns too.
[13:30] Pirate Russell: Not to worry, I have some websites at the end, that may help, too!
[13:30] ***CP***: are the girls in this forum up for this, could u ask ?
[13:31] Pirate Russell: I think you just did, but save that for after class, ***CP***z.... he he
[13:31] ***CP***: i dont mean for me
[13:31] ***CP***: in general
[13:31] ***CP***: in rl?
[13:31] Pirate Russell: LOL
[13:31]***AK***: They are here arent they ???
[13:31] Pirate Russell raises her hand, and even if it meant hubby could have a GF, toO!
[13:31]***AK***: They want to know more first cuzz
[13:32] ***CP***: good point ;)
[13:32] Pirate Russell: Unfortunately the introduction of a new... partner.... to a relationship can cause jealousy
[13:33] Pirate Russell:
[13:33] Pirate Russell: Now the hard part... Jealousy
[13:33] Pirate Russell: First, this is not a class on jealousy, I will do that class next week, this is a class on Polyamory and how jealousy is generally handled in Polyamorus relationships.
[13:33] Katey Koskinen whispers....please excuse me--RL calls....
[13:33] Pirate Russell: Ok, katey
[13:34] Pirate Russell: Jealousy typically refers to the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that occur when a person believes a valued relationship is being threatened by a rival. Jealousy is not about what the other person is getting, it's about what you're not getting.
[13:34] Pirate Russell: "Envy" is when it's about what the other is getting, and you're not
[13:35] Pirate Russell: At it's root, jealousy is the fear that you are going to lose something.
[13:35] Pirate Russell: But if you're bringing someone else in, you already have a strong relationship, because you've discussed it and want to try
[13:35] Pirate Russell: Some people seem to have no jealousy; it's as if they didn't get that piece installed at the factory. Others, including some long-term polyamorists, feel jealousy, which they regard as a signal that something needs investigation and care,
[13:36] Pirate Russell: much as they would regard depression or pain.
[13:37] ***CP***: i need to expand, thinking hard cant think of a single girl I know that would not be crushed by the thought of not being the center of thier partners world
[13:37] Pirate Russell: Working through this is one of the greatest rewards of multi-partner relating.
[13:37] Pirate Russell: The ability to live in world where the expression of love with another person is not seen as a message that you are somehow worth less to your partner is a much freer and more full place to be than in a world of fear over imagined losses.
[13:38] ***CP***: point taken
[13:38] Pirate Russell:
[13:38] Pirate Russell: Citations:
[13:38] Pirate Russell: http://www.xeromag.com/fvpoly.html
[13:38] Pirate Russell: http://www.polyamory.org/
[13:39] Pirate Russell: http://www.unmarried.org/polyamory.html
[13:39] Pirate Russell: http://www.polyweekly.com
[13:39] Pirate Russell: I took stuff from all these websites, and they all explain it MUCH better than I EVER could!
[13:40] Pirate Russell: And something that helps Me with jealousy, even nonxual jealousy, is knowing that My partner is having FUN!
[13:40] Pirate Russell: Ok, ***CP***, to address your 'expansion'. Not everyone is cut out for a poly lifestyle
[13:41] Pirate Russell: There are poly forums, messageboards, and even dating sites
[13:42] Pirate Russell: Any other questions.... comments??[13:43] ***KC***: is jealousy a problem for Mistresses as well as sub/slaves
[13:44] Pirate Russell: It can be and that is what next week's class will be, thanks for the lead in! LOL
[13:44] Pirate Russell: But it depends on the submissive and/or Dominant
[13:44] Pirate Russell: And the relationship.
[13:44] Pirate Russell: There are times where I'm jealous of My girls, and other times I'm not
[13:45] ***KO***: wait..Mistresses get jealous? of what?
[13:45] Pirate Russell: I allow, and even encourage, My girls to have other friends, most have 'special friends'
[13:45] ***KO***: oooh ok
[13:45] ***KO***: that makes sense lol
[13:46] Pirate Russell: sometimes I get jealous of what they have, and that they're not with Me, but then I remember that they're off having fun, and I'm good again. I LOVE each of them enough to want them to be happy
[13:46] Gracie Hotshot is Online
[13:46]***AK***: Question: Would not getting jelouse show lack of feeling and compasion for your Dom/me-or Sub?
[13:47]***AK***: eg
[13:47]***AK***: I dont care
[13:47] Pirate Russell: ***BH***, ***IM***, care to field that one?
[13:47] Pirate Russell: And I DO get jealous, I don't let it color My actions very often.
[13:47] ***IM***: girl thinks acting on it would, but it's a natural feeling.
[13:48] ***KO***: I wouldn't know from experience..but I would think it would be a problem if you got jealous of one girl but not another
[13:48] StarFire Majestic is Online
[13:48] Pirate Russell: If I see ***IM***'s with her BF, and summon her out of jealousy, it runs her fun, and lessens My control over Me
[13:49] Pirate Russell: or ***BH*** and her pet, different dynamic, but same reasoning
[13:49] Pirate Russell: EEP, RUINS her fun....
[13:49] ***TN***: and if you choose to summon her- not out olf jealousy but because you require her
[13:49] ***TN***: does that not also ruin her fun etc
[13:49] ***RK***: hmm interesting question if jealous is simply a lack of confidence in one's own ability to be loved, even if others are too ... having that confidence should not mean, necessarily, that a girl did not care? Merely that she thinks she's set in her place?
[13:50] Pirate Russell: Yes, and that's different, that is a concious decision I'd make, not an emotion controlling Me
[13:50] ***TN***: the end result could be the same tho?
[13:50]***AK***: Pirate you share, but what about those that want to have a poly relationship but wont alow there subs to share through there own Jealousy?
[13:50]***AK***: IS that wrong?
[13:50]***AK***: Or a case of greed
[13:51] Pirate Russell: No, it's not, but the submissives have the right to be happy, (Another class.. he he), that is something that should be discussed LONG before a collar is offered
[13:52] Pirate Russell: It could be greed, but then it may be what a submissive e is looking for
[13:52] ***TN***: possibly a moot point there Pirate......but I agree totally - any such thoughts need thorough discussion prior to any collaring
[13:53] Pirate Russell: Moot or not, if a submissive should find out their prospective Dominant's heart on MANY things before just jumping into a collar
[13:53] Pirate Russell: wow, typo day, scratch the first "if"
[13:54] ***TN***: I was thinking of the outcome of calling one's sub....not the point about discussion and Communication, smile
[13:54] ***RK***: May i ask, does poly mean that everyone is a 'family?' Can it also be healthy if all parties do not have to hang out together or know what everyone else is doing, or getting for that matter?
[13:55] Pirate Russell: Ok, yes, calling a sub when they're with someone else is always an option, and done for Dominance, I think is ok, but letting jealousy or greed control your actions is never a good situation.
[13:55] ***TN*** would agree with that
[13:55] ***TN***: Good point rainey
[13:56] Pirate Russell: rainey, that is the 'Classic V' formation, each leg of the 'V' goes off in a direction, and dont' 'meet' (though RL meetings happen all the time, but not necessarily for sex), but they don't interact directly
[13:57] Pirate Russell: A 'W' is even more extended each partner could have another partner, Some do make families, some have 'Uncle Jim" living in the spare room, some don't live together at all. Each Relationship is different
[13:58] ***KL***: in a poly relationship is it normal to have one partner be of more importance than another
[13:59] Pirate Russell: It's possible, and maybe even usual, but I shy away from 'normal' because each of My SL, and RL, relationships are so different, even from one day to another
[14:00] ***RK***: i think it was more that some might promote honest in a poly relationship must mean everyone is privy and present for everything. raine is not sure that is true. Honesty does not mean i have to meet or be a part of everything.
[14:01] Pirate Russell: Well, it all depends, I'd want to know if My hubby was dating, but not a blow-by-blow description of what they did on Tuesday night
[14:01] Pirate Russell: All it means is that everyone knows that there are significant others, and are OK with the relationship(s)
[14:03] Pirate Russell: Tarl on the other hand, if he was in a poly situation, might want to know where his wife/girlfriend was, where they went, etc. Each relationship is differnt
[14:03] ***KO***: how would someone handle jealousy in a poly relationship where the Master has multiple subs, but does not allow them to play, but shows different levels of attention to the girls?
[14:04] Pirate Russell: Assuming that the girl(s) are dissatisfied, that's where communication comes in. Even if it takes and OOC conversation
[14:06] ***RK***: at different times, any person may need a bit more attention than others. Have learned to be careful about that one.
[14:07] ***TN***: Again....honesty and communication........not relying on psychic powers
[14:07] Pirate Russell: Yes, as have I, I TRY hard to keep time with each girl the same, but usually fail miserably
[14:09] Pirate Russell: But that's one thing I told My girls at the begining, they're not My only one.
[14:09] Pirate Russell looks around, anyone else?? anything else??
[14:10] Pirate Russell: Comments, questions, dirty jokes?
[14:10] Pirate Russell: Going once.........
[14:10] ***KO***: ooh someone have dirty jokes plz!
[14:11]***AK***: Great Class.
[14:11] Pirate Russell: .......................going twice...
[14:11]***AK***: How do we find out about the next
[14:11] Pirate Russell: .....................................................Class dismissed
[14:11] ***TN*** smiles - Thank you Pirate
[14:11] Pirate Russell: I post events, under 'College of Kink @ House of V'
[14:11] ***ML***: thanks Pirate
[14:11] ***KL***: thank you Pirate for your time and teachings
[14:11] mercedes Stransky: Thanks Pirate
[14:11] Pirate Russell: but we're here EVERY Tuesday at 7am, and Thursday at 1p
[14:12] ***KC***: thank You so much Miss for such an awesome class
[14:12] Pirate Russell: Y'all are welcome, it's My pleasure, and seeing so many show up is KEWL!
[14:12] Pirate Russell: Well, thanks for coming, you can't come back next week, unless you bring a friend, and the blog with the transcripts is at http://collegeofkink.blogspot.com/