Polyamory & Jealousy - Tuesday

[2008/08/12 7:07] Pirate Russell: Welcome to House of V's College of Kink, My name is Pirate Russell, Head Mistress of the College, and today's instructor. I have been in SL for nearly 3 years, a lesbian Domme, the entire time.
[2008/08/12 7:07] Pirate Russell: Our topic today: Polyamory and Jealousy
[2008/08/12 7:10] Pirate Russell: I identify as Polyamorous, but "Monosexual" I LOVE, and am IN LOVE with several, girls, some right here today
[2008/08/12 7:11] Pirate Russell: I only make love with My Husband in RL, though I do similar things in SL with Many
[2008/08/12 7:11] Pirate Russell: Polyamory (from Greek πολυ [poly, meaning many or several] and Latin amor [literally “love”]) is the desire, practice, or acceptance of having more than one loving, intimate relationship at a time,
[2008/08/12 7:11] Pirate Russell: WITH THE FULL KNOWLEDGE AND CONCENT OF EVERYONE INVOLVED.
[2008/08/12 7:11] Pirate Russell: What Polyamory is NOT.
[2008/08/12 7:11] Pirate Russell: Poly is NOT Swinging, Swinging has a different focus. Swingers focus on recreational sex, though friendships and deeper bonds may develop. With polyamory, deep relationships are the focus, though the sex is often fun.
[2008/08/12 7:12] Pirate Russell: Poly is NOT a girlfriend on the side. That is something different as well. The technical term for that is "cheating." Cheating means "fraud, deceit, swindling."
[2008/08/12 7:12] Pirate Russell: The very definition of Polyamory includes "with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved".
[2008/08/12 7:12] Pirate Russell: Rules: There are, of course, as many different varieties of polyamory as there are people; there's no one right way to create a polyamorous relationship, though ethical polyamorous relationships do involve honesty, respect, and compassion.
[2008/08/12 7:12] Pirate Russell: Being polyamorous does not give you license to make like a bunny in heat.
[2008/08/12 7:12] Pirate Russell: A polyamorous relationship isn't about sex; it's about building a romantic relationship with more than one person at a time.
[2008/08/12 7:13] Pirate Russell: In fact, people who can't commit to one person sure as hell can't make a lasting commitment to two!
[2008/08/12 7:13] Pirate Russell: Basic Terminology
[2008/08/12 7:13] Pirate Russell: Primary - word often used in a hierarchal multi-person relationship to denote the person with whom one is most strongly onded
[2008/08/12 7:13] Pirate Russell: Secondary - follows from primary, in a hierarchal relationship,denotes a person with whom one is involved without the emotional,legal, or economic complexities and commitments of primary bonding.
[2008/08/12 7:13] Pirate Russell: Triads or Triangles - three people involved in some way. Often used in a fairly committed sense, in some cases involving ceremonies of commitment, but also used simply to mean "three people who are connected".
[2008/08/12 7:14] Pirate Russell: "V", "W", "N", etc - Three people, where the structure puts one person at the bottoms, or "hinges" of the figures, also called the pivot points. For example, a vee, the arm partners are not as commonly close to each other as each is to the pivot.
[2008/08/12 7:14] Pirate Russell: Questions or comments regarding this VERY basic overview of Polyamory?
[2008/08/12 7:15] ***IM***: girl got a little lost with the VWN thing, Mistress.
[2008/08/12 7:15] Pirate Russell: Ok, if girl and batla were in love with Me, but not in a relaionship with eachother, then, that would be a "V"
[2008/08/12 7:15] ***IM*** nods
[2008/08/12 7:16] Pirate Russell: W is a little more extended, as in, if each of you had another girl/boyfriend, etc
[2008/08/12 7:16] ***IM***: Oh. girl understands now.
[2008/08/12 7:17] Pirate Russell: Well, one question that usually comes up is, "Shouldn't one mate be enough?"
[2008/08/12 7:17] Pirate Russell: First, no one person is a perfect fit for another, or we'd not have friends.
[2008/08/12 7:18] Pirate Russell: We'd pair up, go home and never log into SL, or Yahoo Instant Messenger.
[2008/08/12 7:18] ***AR***: lolo
[2008/08/12 7:18] Pirate Russell: We'd never call anyone but our spouse
[2008/08/12 7:18] ***AR***: very true
[2008/08/12 7:19] Pirate Russell: That extends to more intimate relationships, as well!
[2008/08/12 7:19] Pirate Russell: in RL I LOVE My husband dearly. But he's only got a penis, I LOVE to give oral sex to women, too!
[2008/08/12 7:20] Pirate Russell: I don't do that in RL, but in SL I get to all the time
[2008/08/12 7:20] Pirate Russell: That doens't mean I love him any less!
[2008/08/12 7:21] Pirate Russell: It's like when you have children. Just because you have a second child, it doesn't mean you love the first any less....
[2008/08/12 7:22] Pirate Russell: Anyone else have any input?
[2008/08/12 7:22] ***IM***: girl hears the church leaders preparing the stake and bonfires.
[2008/08/12 7:22] ***KC***: you love each child differently too
[2008/08/12 7:22] Pirate Russell: That is a valid point ***IM***.
[2008/08/12 7:23] ***SF***: please tell me if this is nosey Miss.... but does SL satisfy your RL craving to give oral to women ?
[2008/08/12 7:23] Pirate Russell: This practice is VERY unpopular
[2008/08/12 7:23] Pirate Russell: in some camps
[2008/08/12 7:24] Pirate Russell: Look at the hundreds of 'family' shows that are on, but 1 poly show on HBO
[2008/08/12 7:24] ***ML***: one thinks everyone thinks it but expressing in rl is different
[2008/08/12 7:25] Pirate Russell: Think if it this way.... the "establishment" comes unglued because you were lucky to find more than one person to love? What's wrong with THAT picture?
[2008/08/12 7:26] ***AR***: nothing as long all are happy
[2008/08/12 7:26] Pirate Russell: exactly, but the churches and the courts will tell you that you're WRONG
[2008/08/12 7:26] ***AR***: but id the one is jealous, then.....
[2008/08/12 7:27] ***VS***: the quote of divorces is about 40% in rl ... isnt that answer enough ?
[2008/08/12 7:27] ***AR***: well I do not live in a holy church country, grins
[2008/08/12 7:27] ***VS***: me neither lol
[2008/08/12 7:27] ***ML***: i completely agree .. but there are certain factors in families that prevent.. if you are setting up a moral ground for family is one.. but to have a couple and enjoy others on the side is most exciting..
[2008/08/12 7:27] Pirate Russell: Higher, actually, I think it's closer to 50%, but that counts 2nd marriages as well
[2008/08/12 7:28] ***ML***: i do have a question tho hopefully will follow this issue....
[2008/08/12 7:28] Pirate Russell: Ask away, ***ML***
[2008/08/12 7:30] ***AR***: raise a hand
[2008/08/12 7:30] ***ML***: lets say you have a couple he is completely open and she is also.. they both like to dable when together.. she only likes to play with other females while he is around.. the excitement of a female joinging is very exciting..
[2008/08/12 7:31] ***ML***: but she has no other feelings to be with a female.. is that safe also?
[2008/08/12 7:31] ***ML***: and what is to be expected by both
[2008/08/12 7:32] Pirate Russell: Well, that's closer to swinging, Poly is about the relationshiops, and as we know from ALL My other classes, each relationsihp is different. That is something to discuss among primaries, first
[2008/08/12 7:32] ***ML***: well im sure picking just one particular party that plays tho .. but only while together?
[2008/08/12 7:33] Pirate Russell: There are Poly/monogamous relationsips, as long as EVERYONE is aware what's going on, it's not cheating.
[2008/08/12 7:34] Pirate Russell: Remember cheating comes when rules are broken
[2008/08/12 7:35] Pirate Russell: If My Hubby and I decided on a rule that was, releationships with men is out, then as long as I was a "Vagitarian" I'm cool!
[2008/08/12 7:35] ***IM*** giggles
[2008/08/12 7:35] ***VS***: lol
[2008/08/12 7:35] ***VS***: nice term *grins*
[2008/08/12 7:36] Pirate Russell: Better than the Dinosaur term, "Lickalottapuss"
[2008/08/12 7:36] ***VS***: lmao
[2008/08/12 7:36] Pirate Russell: Anyway, back to the discussion, any more questions on Poly?
[2008/08/12 7:36] ***VS***: well .. then i admit .. im a dinosaur
[2008/08/12 7:37] ***AR***: I realy would like to talk about jealosy
[2008/08/12 7:37] Pirate Russell: Ok, then I'll move into that
[2008/08/12 7:37] Pirate Russell: First, this is not a class on jealousy, I will do that class next week, this is a class on Polyamory and how it is generally handled in Polyamorus relationships.
[2008/08/12 7:37] Pirate Russell:
[2008/08/12 7:38] Pirate Russell: Now the hard part... Jealousy
[2008/08/12 7:38] Pirate Russell: Jealousy typically refers to the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that occur when a person believes a valued relationship is being threatened by a rival. Jealousy is not about what the other person is getting, it's about what you're not getting.
[2008/08/12 7:38] Pirate Russell: At it's root, jealousy is the fear that you are going to lose something.
[2008/08/12 7:38] Pirate Russell: Some people seem to have no jealousy; it's as if they didn't get that piece installed at the factory. Others, including some long-term polyamorists, feel jealousy, which they regard as a signal that something needs investigation and care,
[2008/08/12 7:39] Pirate Russell: much as they would regard depression or pain.
[2008/08/12 7:39] Pirate Russell: Working through this is one of the greatest rewards of multi-partner relating.
[2008/08/12 7:39] Pirate Russell: The ability to live in world where the expression of love with another person is not seen as a message that you are somehow worth less to your partner is a much freer and more full place to be than in a world of fear over imagined losses.
[2008/08/12 7:39] ***IM*** nods
[2008/08/12 7:39] Pirate Russell: Citations:
[2008/08/12 7:40] Pirate Russell: http://www.xeromag.com/fvpoly.html
[2008/08/12 7:40] Pirate Russell: http://www.polyamory.org/
[2008/08/12 7:40] Pirate Russell: http://www.unmarried.org/polyamory.html
[2008/08/12 7:40] Pirate Russell: http://www.polyweekly.com
[2008/08/12 7:40] Pirate Russell: SpeakEasy HUD detaching...
[2008/08/12 7:40] Pirate Russell: Discussion time... he he
[2008/08/12 7:41] ***ML***: hehehe
[2008/08/12 7:41] ***VS***: one question please
[2008/08/12 7:41] Pirate Russell: Only one!
[2008/08/12 7:41] ***AR***: Ihave one too
[2008/08/12 7:41] Pirate Russell: he he, ask away ***VS***!
[2008/08/12 7:41] ***ML***: me 3
[2008/08/12 7:41] Pirate Russell: nope ***VS*** gets the only one! LOL
[2008/08/12 7:41] ***VS***: do u know if the factor of jealousy is different between the genders
[2008/08/12 7:41] Pirate Russell: OT
[2008/08/12 7:41] Pirate Russell: EEP
[2008/08/12 7:42] ***VS***: what ? lol
[2008/08/12 7:42] Pirate Russell: It's different for each person, and even similar situations can bring different resposnes from the same person
[2008/08/12 7:42] ***IM***: That's two questions..
[2008/08/12 7:42] MystiTool HUD 1.0.23: Entering chat range: ***RP*** (15m)
[2008/08/12 7:42] Pirate Russell: different times
[2008/08/12 7:43] ***VS***: i meant are there existing any official researches ?
[2008/08/12 7:43] ***AR*** raise a hand
[2008/08/12 7:43] Pirate Russell: I'm sure there are, but I didn't go that deep into Jealousy this week
[2008/08/12 7:43] Pirate Russell: yes, ***AR***?
[2008/08/12 7:44] ***AR***: well, this is for next week I guess then..how to deal with the feelign off jealous
[2008/08/12 7:44] Pirate Russell: Well, My regulars, will know what's coming......
[2008/08/12 7:44] Pirate Russell: COMMUNICATION!
[2008/08/12 7:45] ***IM*** smiles and nods.
[2008/08/12 7:45] Pirate Russell: Talk about it with your partner
[2008/08/12 7:45] ***KC*** smiles
[2008/08/12 7:45] ***AR***: smiles
[2008/08/12 7:46] Pirate Russell: If I'm hanging with ***KC***, and then I go see batla, and ***KC***'s got a problem with it, then talking about it is the ONLY way to fix it
[2008/08/12 7:46] ***AR***: perhaps go to a hypnotic, I dont care..I dont care lol
[2008/08/12 7:46] ***BH*** nods and smiles
[2008/08/12 7:46] ***KC*** nods
[2008/08/12 7:46] Pirate Russell: Otherwise, it'll just fester, and grow like a cancer utnil it drives you crazy or you do or say something that makes everything worse
[2008/08/12 7:47] ***AR***: it cant change the cirtum instances, the fact
[2008/08/12 7:47] ***IM***: But it's more difficult because most of society says you should be jealous and your partner is wrong.
[2008/08/12 7:47] MystiTool HUD 1.0.23: Entering chat range: marulaz Merlin (16m)
[2008/08/12 7:48] Pirate Russell: yes, but that's just it, we're not part of 'Society'! W/we are or own pets
[2008/08/12 7:48] Pirate Russell: W/we like spanking or being spanked
[2008/08/12 7:48] ***AR***: but I do not tal about society, I talk about the feeling of being affrais to lose
[2008/08/12 7:48] MystiTool HUD 1.0.23: Entering chat range: nomad Howlett (14m)
[2008/08/12 7:48] ***ML***: one thinks if you have the communication and trust with the other then jealousy should be the issure when same sex is involved in a jealous situation no?
[2008/08/12 7:48] ***RP*** raises hand
[2008/08/12 7:48] ***ML***: shouldnt*
[2008/08/12 7:48] Pirate Russell: I understand, ***AR***, you're talking about losing your partner to another
[2008/08/12 7:49] ***IM***: Jealousy should never exist where there is trust.
[2008/08/12 7:49] Pirate Russell: partner = Husband, Wife, Boy/Girlfriend, could even be your hairdresser
[2008/08/12 7:49] ***AR***: yes, because it´s the feeling, will he/she be better than me
[2008/08/12 7:50] Pirate Russell: Exactly, granted this is an SL example, but ***IM*** has a 'vanilla' boyfriend. I Miss her when she's gone, but I'm not jealous of him.
[2008/08/12 7:50] Pirate Russell: That isn't jealousy, that is self Esteme, ***AR***
[2008/08/12 7:50] Pirate Russell: ((And poor spelling, too!!))
[2008/08/12 7:50] ***ML***: mmhmm
[2008/08/12 7:50] ***RP***: I've found that many subs/slaves accept the collar too readily and don't understand the true meaning behind having a master, then when he takes on a new sub they get extremely jealous. Many think of it as a way of submitting to a Master and the whole I love you thing without researching it first, then cry "my feelings are hurt" later.
[2008/08/12 7:51] ***RP***: I think too many people lie in order to keep the person the want and in essence sabotage the relationship
[2008/08/12 7:51] ***ML***: exactally rosetta!
[2008/08/12 7:51] ***AR***: but WHAT is jealousy, then?????
[2008/08/12 7:51] Pirate Russell: Yes, Rosetta, but... in a 'good' collaring, all this has been discussed. bat, how long did we talk before I offered girl a collar
[2008/08/12 7:51] SpeakEasy HUD (wear me): SpeakEasy HUD attached to the top-left of your screen, Pirate Russell
[2008/08/12 7:51] ***BH***: weeks, Miss
[2008/08/12 7:52] ***BH*** smiles
[2008/08/12 7:52] Pirate Russell: Quoting.... "Jealousy typically refers to the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that occur when a person believes a valued relationship is being threatened by a rival. Jealousy is not about what the other person is getting, it's about what you're not getting. At it's root, jealousy is the fear that you are going to lose something."
[2008/08/12 7:52] ***AR***: so talk talk talk for weeks before collaring?
[2008/08/12 7:52] ***RP***: then you had honest discussions, too many lie just to keep the person only t find in the end that they can't handle it
[2008/08/12 7:53] ***RP***: talk until there is a clear understanding and agreement
[2008/08/12 7:53] Pirate Russell: That's the way, I do it, and as far as I'm told, there's a minimum of Jealousy in My Family.
[2008/08/12 7:53] ***BH***: talk, play...build trust and respect :)
[2008/08/12 7:54] ***AR***: excatly... At it's root, jealousy is the fear that you are going to lose something."
[2008/08/12 7:54] Pirate Russell: If you've discussed it with your 'partner' and you trust them, then there's no jealousy, because you know he/she's coming home.
[2008/08/12 7:55] ***AR***: we do not have any garantie for not losing anything in life
[2008/08/12 7:55] ***BH***: however unfounded....andthe more unfounded he fear is, the worse it feels
[2008/08/12 7:57] ***AR***: Gotta go, nice to be here, I thank you for the lesson Miss Pirate :)
[2008/08/12 7:57] ***AR***: byee to A/all
[2008/08/12 7:57] Pirate Russell: Ok, ***AR***, be sure to comeback next week
[2008/08/12 7:57] ***VS***: bye ***AR***
[2008/08/12 7:57] ***RP***: bye ***AR***
[2008/08/12 7:57] ***AR***: sure
[2008/08/12 7:57] ***AR***: hugs Sir Ivan :)
[2008/08/12 7:57] ***KC*** waves goodbye
[2008/08/12 7:57] ***SF*** waves
[2008/08/12 7:58] ***RP***: I've found it difficult at best to learn a lot of things concerning being a aub/slave because many are jealous, I detect it and leave
[2008/08/12 7:58] Pirate Russell: yes, and some know this and 'negotiate' 1 on 1 relationships
[2008/08/12 7:58] MystiTool HUD 1.0.23: Entering chat range: Alexandrea Quinnell (11m)
[2008/08/12 7:59] ***RP***: Hi alex
[2008/08/12 7:59] ***BH*** has met a lot of subs and Dom/mes who expect exclusivity in order to cope with their own insecurities
[2008/08/12 7:59] Alexandrea Quinnell: Hiya Rose
[2008/08/12 8:00] Pirate Russell: And that is fine, if the sub is into that, too. I'd NEVER expect My girls to forsake all others, unless its' for a short time
[2008/08/12 8:02] Pirate Russell: Well, we'll delve deeper into Jealousy next week, I'll study up on it more... I'm gonna be Dr Phill-ys before this is all over! he he
[2008/08/12 8:02] ***IM***: So is it appropriate to have a heirarchy of partners? Where you consider them in order. Would that still be polyamory?
[2008/08/12 8:02] ***RP***: lol
[2008/08/12 8:02] ***VS***: hahaha
[2008/08/12 8:02] ***ML***: lol
[2008/08/12 8:02] ***IM*** giggles
[2008/08/12 8:03] ***ML***: jealousy is a very touch subject .. no one likes to admit but is human nature
[2008/08/12 8:03] Pirate Russell: Yes, ***IM***, as long as there was knowlege and consent of all involved
[2008/08/12 8:04] Pirate Russell: I'll whisper this since some of My girls might here, but My favorite is usually who I'm with! LOL
[2008/08/12 8:04] ***IM*** giggles
[2008/08/12 8:04] ***VS***: but could there be also a hierarchy within ur pets ....
[2008/08/12 8:05] Pirate Russell: Absoulutely, goreans have first girl, etch
[2008/08/12 8:05] ***BH*** nudges ***IM***..."deny everything"
[2008/08/12 8:05] ***VS***: means ... your "favourite" can be dom toanother pet of yours ?
[2008/08/12 8:06] ***SF*** smiles... is finding this most interesting although sitting quietly
[2008/08/12 8:06] Pirate Russell looks at bat and giggles, "Yes, My wife, and at least one other of My girls are "switches'"
[2008/08/12 8:08] Pirate Russell: Well, that seems to be it for today, again, next week we'll hit jeaousy hard!
[2008/08/12 8:08] Pirate Russell: Thanks for coming, Class dismissed
[2008/08/12 8:08] ***ML***: ty miss