Jealosy - Tuesday

2008/08/19 7:04
Pirate Russell: Welcome to House of V's College of Kink, My name is Pirate Russell, Head Mistress of the College, and today's instructor.
Pirate Russell: I have been in SL for nearly 3 years, a lesbian Domme, the entire time.
Pirate Russell: DISCLAIMER: I have no training or schooling in Psychology, Psichiatry, or Counseling of ANY kind! All of My observations are from My real life and what I've found on the web
Pirate Russell: If you are having problems dealing with Jealousy, PLEASE PLEASE contact a competent professional!
Pirate Russell:
Pirate Russell: Jealousy typically refers to the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that occur when a person believes a valued relationship is being threatened by a rival.
Pirate Russell: EEP, I missed a line, today's topic is Jealousy!
Pirate Russell: Dr. Jennifer James, author of "Women and the Blues: Passions That Hurt, Passions That Heal", wrote:
Pirate Russell: "Jealousy is simply and clearly the fear that you do not have value. Jealousy scans for evidence to prove the point - that others will be preferred and rewarded more than you.
Pirate Russell: There is only one alternative - self-value. If you cannot love yourself, you will not believe that you are loved. You will always think it's a mistake or luck.
Pirate Russell: Take your eyes off others and turn the scanner within. Find the seeds of your jealousy, clear the old voices and experiences."
Pirate Russell: Jealousy is an emotion that can be very damaging to ANY relationship. It can also prevent you from growing emotionally.
Pirate Russell: It is not the same thing as envy. Jealousy wants what someone else has. Envy is when you don't want someone else to have what you don't have.
Pirate Russell: If a person is jealous, they already have what is desired but they are afraid of losing it.
Pirate Russell: When you are feeling jealous, you are undergoing an emotional combination of anger, dependency, hurt, and self doubt. When you spend time focusing on what you are not, this is a result of insecurity.
Pirate Russell: Sometimes when we are afraid of losing something, we actually cause it to happen because of our actions and behaviors.
Pirate Russell: All our thoughts and actions are centered around our fears and insecurities. This causes more fear and insecurity. These feelings cause other harmful feelings and may result in us indulging in self pity.
Pirate Russell: What are some ways of dealing with jealousy?
Pirate Russell: * Develop independence. We need to be sure we are not overly dependant on any one person. We need to focus on the good things we have and not on what we don't have.
Pirate Russell: * Focus on developing more confidence and attractiveness. Sometimes something simple like getting our hair done or changing our style of clothing can help.
Pirate Russell: Taking a course on self esteem or assertiveness is also beneficial.
Pirate Russell: * Be honest with yourself. Sit down with paper and list things that are making you jealous. Look at it objectively. Are these things silly or trivial or are they really important?
Pirate Russell: * Communicate with the person who is the object of your jealousy. Tell them your feelings. Is that person doing something that is causing you to be jealous? Letting them know can often help the problem.
***NZ***: hopes there will be a Note Card following class
Pirate Russell: Note here that some people use jealousy to control others
***KJ*** does also
Pirate Russell: If this other person cares for you, they will work on changing the behavior that is adding to your jealousy. Being aware of your feelings can also help you cope better.
Pirate Russell: Realize that jealousy shows your lack of self esteem and uncertainty of your own worth. Work on taking a really good self evaluation.
Pirate Russell: This experience can be a wonderful learning opportunity for you. Work on communication with other people. Work on developing confidence.
Pirate Russell: * Study your rival. Look closely at the person you are jealous about. What do you like and dislike about the person? Are his or her qualities beyond your abilities?
Pirate Russell: Be sure you are not being unrealistic about that person. Are you seeing things as they really are?
Pirate Russell: Take control of your feelings. Terminate the relationship if nothing else seems to work. Take the time to concentrate on your own growth. Work at trying to understand and improve your relationship.
Pirate Russell: * Do not overreact. Remember, most incidents are temporary so don't magnify what happened.
Pirate Russell: Serious jealousy stems from a fear of loss, reputation, control of ourselves, our spouses, or relationships. Losing control of our emotions and feelings will only make things worse.
Pirate Russell: Bad reactions to Jealousy can even cause legal problems. I spent almoust 7 years as a Public Safety Telecommunications Officer (Big words for 911 Dispatcher).
Pirate Russell: Not one shift went by where I didn't deal with a seriuos domestic problem. Most, I'd wager, stemmed from jealousy. How many of us have read this in or local or national news media, "If I can't have him/her, then nobody can!"
Pirate Russell: I know that many people are arrested shortly after saying that to an officer!
Pirate Russell: I, for one, don't want to be someplace I'm not wanted. That's not fun for Me!
Pirate Russell: Likewise, I dont' force anyone, particularly My submissives to be with Me if they're not having fun.
Pirate Russell: This is part of My Primary rule, that real life comes first, if you're not having fun, let's go do something that is, together or apart!
Pirate Russell: I do get jealous sometimes. My girls have significant others with whom they spend time. I INSIST that they do! One has a boyfriend, one a girl friend, and another a girl of her own.
Pirate Russell: I miss them when they're not around, I am envious of the time they spend away, but I want them to have fun.
Pirate Russell: Knowing they're having fun makes it all ok for Me. I want My girls, My friends, My acquaintences, and even most of My enemies to have fun.
Pirate Russell: By having other friends, they've places to go have fun when I'm alone with one of the other girls. Even when I'm alone with one, I envy the time that the others spend away.
Pirate Russell: I'm going to close today with one of My very favorite quotes on the subject, by Robert A Heinlein,
Pirate Russell: "Love" is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own... Jealousy is a disease, love is a healthy condition.
Pirate Russell: The immature mind often mistakes one for the other, or assumes that the greater the love, the greater the jealousy."
Pirate Russell:
Pirate Russell: Citations:
Pirate Russell: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jealousy
Pirate Russell: http://www.allaboutlifechallenges.org/dealing-with-jealousy-faq.htm
Pirate Russell: http://www.todays-woman.net/quoteid-2304.html
Pirate Russell: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/r/robert_a_heinlein.html
Pirate Russell: Transcripts posted at http://collegeofkink.blogspot.com
Pirate Russell: That is in lieu of the notecards. you can also edit your chat logs, if you dont' want to go to the blog, and copy and paste into a notecard
Pirate Russell: Questions???? Comments?
***tY***: raises hand
Pirate Russell: yes, ***tY***?
***tY*** I was reading back and noticed you mentioned something about how to deal with jealousy
Pirate Russell: yes?
***tY*** and one of the things mentioned was self esteem or self assertiveness classes
Pirate Russell: Self Esteem classes, yes
***tY*** and I was wondering really how applicable they would be to a slave or a submissive?
Pirate Russell: I think more applicable than to a Dominant!
***tY*** yes, smile, I think so too
Pirate Russell: It takes great strenth and self worth to give the ultimate gift, yourself, to another person!
Pirate Russell: Just because you're a submissive, that doesn't mean you don't love yourself, respect yourself!
***tY*** I agree, but sometimes knowing what is in your best interests and being able to act upon it, IS difficult for a slave or a submissive
Pirate Russell: Yes that can be true
***IM***: if one doesn't value oneself, the gift is worthless.
Pirate Russell: I value and respect all submissives. I admire the girls, and boys, that have what it takes to truly give themselves to another person
***tY*** I wonder if there is a fuzzy line between valueing yourself and being a submissive
Pirate Russell: I don't see a line at all, but then I'm not living in a submissive's skin. As ibrew said, if you dont' value yourself, the gift of your submission is lessened
***tY*** perhaps some of the submissives in here understand what I am trying to say
***CJ***: yes, i do, ***tY***
***tY*** smiles at her sis
***tY*** the desire to please can get in the way of actually looking after your own best interests
***tY*** I think that is what I was trying to say
Pirate Russell: Ok, I see now
***IM***: this girl values herself very highly, and giving herself is not done to reduce her worth, but to increase it. girl is freed up to concentrate on other things by giving herself to her Mistress.
***TH***: :nods:
Pirate Russell: ***tY***, standing up for yourself might not be taken very well by your Dominant
***tY*** (smile, and usually isn't)
***LA***: I understand what you're trying to say, yes...it can get in the way...that's when having a good Dom/me is so important...one that recognizes the signs - isn't it important for the Dom/me to care for their sub/slaves to ensure they do not burn themselves out as well?
Pirate Russell: I understand now. Well, outside of a scene, I invite My girls to tell Me if they have problems, ESPEECIALLY if it impacts O/our rleationship
***ZB***: As a Dom I personally feel a girl who lacks self-love and respect is trouibling, even thouse who are more interested in masochism or humiliation. In my experience a girl with little sense of self will cause harm to all involved in the relationship down the line, herself and her Dom/Domme.
***tY*** I ask the question because I have seen in other submissives the potential problems alligned with selfworth and a desire to please
Pirate Russell: Well said!
***tY*** the desire to please can override SSC
***TH***: :wonders what SSC stands for :
Pirate Russell: And that's fine, as long as it's a concious decision
***tY*** safe, sane, consetual
***tY*** consentual
***TH***: :nods :
***lC***: ssc = sexually sucking cock , giggles
***ZB***: *nods...I agree Miss ***tY***. However Miss Russel, I feel that even if the sub makjes the choice conciously, I as her Dom should not let her overide her own safety in order to "please" me.
Pirate Russell: CLIT, thank you very much, connie! ;-)
***ZB***: I know it sounds patronizing, but as a father, just as a Dom, I cannot let my child or sub make a choice that would harm themselves, even if they honestly desire it.
***ZB***: At least that is my personal view..others milage may vary
Pirate Russell: I agree, I have a 19yr old girl, and 14yr old boy, as well. I don't expect My girls to ever do anything in game or out, that would compromise who they are
***tY*** I am not trying to be contrary here, just mentioning things I have noticed pertaining to the topic
Pirate Russell: Or what makes them happy or have fun.
Pirate Russell: It's fine, ***tY***, you're the only one asking questions anyway! he he
***tY*** giggles
***ZB***: *nods...Of course Miss ***tY***, and we have all seen such girls. Personally I feel the desire to please no matter the cose is not true submission, and is usually found in thrill seekers or poeple exploring the lifestyle as a game.
***ZB***: *cost
***IM***: Or people searcing for their self worth in others.
***tY*** not sure I agree with you there, but my experiences maybe quite different
Pirate Russell: Most of them though are not serious submisives. As ***ZB*** said, they treat it as a game here in SL, and don't really invest in it
***ZB***: *nods..and that is not submission, that is mental illness of some degree which should be treated not by some guy on the other end of an internet connection, but a doctor.
***tY*** I wonder how the desire to please isn't a key component of submission or slavery?
Pirate Russell: Only if they're serious about it, if they log on, slap on a collar and giggle when they're spanked, they're not 'into' this like most of us are!
***lC***: ... may i ask what is meant with saying something is mental illness ?
***TN***: The desire to please can be overwhelming as I suspect te is indicating
***ZB***: it is not the desire to please...we all have a desire to please, even the dominants...what is at question is a desire to please even while hurting or damaging themselves
***IM***: Focusing on any one aspect of a relationship to the exclusion of the others is always a problem.
***tY*** that's true, we should all have a desire to please if we are in a relationship.. I just have doubts as to whether a submissive can always find it within herself to say "no" if that desire to please is strong
Pirate Russell: But yes, I agree. Look at those who prey on children, the children usually do things to ingratiate themselves to the preditors
***ZB***: I did not seek to belittle mental illness, or indicate submissionis a form of it..I meant that often someone who seeks their value only through another could need medical or psychiatric help, and a Master may actually be harming oir betraying their interests by not guiding them to seek help
Pirate Russell: Yes, te, I have a HUGE desire to please My girls, by being the most humiliating, strongest Domme I can be!
***tY*** to me a submissive by her very nature, may find it more difficult to say no
***TH***: :raises her hand: rasies her hand:
***TN*** nods quietly, finding much to agree with in te's words and thouughts
***ZB***: I agree...so it is up to a Master or Mistress to say no for them...no matter what they may wish
Pirate Russell: Yes, Terra
Pirate Russell: A good Dominant will take care of ,and respect THeir submissives!
***TH***: :thank you .. what if it is done to explore /or find what there limits are ?
Pirate Russell: Even as they take away their clothes at a busy mall, or spanking them
***tY*** and if a submissive has less ability to say no, because of her very nature, does that indicate a lack of self worth, or a desire to please?
***BH*** blushes
***IM***: girl agrees with ***ZB***. It's the seeking value *only* through another that causes the problems.
Pirate Russell: Well, I know you're new to My classes, but, Terra, Communicate with your Dominant or submissive, let them know what's going on!
***lC***: ... seeking onesself in how they play out the lifestyle in having someone give value to thier life is by far from mental but rather obtaining a high in thieer life
***ZB***: nods...the way to know limits is to discuss it, then discuss it again, then discuss it some more
***TH***: :nods: thank you :
Pirate Russell: And one more thing ***ZB***...... Talk again after that, AND after the Scene
***ZB***: especially after the scene, even stelling out of the D/s roles if need be
***ZB***: *stepping
***TH***: was trying to retalte that back to the going overbord in tyring to please even when it may push ones limits.. :
***ZB***: *nods in full agreement with Miss Russell
***TH***: thak you..
Pirate Russell: Absolutely, I am HAPPY to step out of D/s roles if ANYONE, Dom or sub, needs to talk!
***IM***: Saying no is not the same as disobeying, though. Mistress would be upset if girl damaged herself, even if it was doing what Mistress told girl to do. And it would lessen the gift of self.
***ZB***: There needs to be a moment when person to person you ask what is going on with them, and what effect the situation is having on them.
Pirate Russell: Hell, I'm upset when I damage My girls! Injure is FAR different than "hurt"!
***IM*** smiles The "C" word.
Katelyn Brendel loves that word
***ZB***: Absolutely Miss ***IM***...asking Why oir saying No is not disobeying and should be encouraged, as long as it doesn;t then become defiance...and if a girl finds herself having to say No continually to a Master..she needs a new master
***IM*** nods
Pirate Russell: Yes, I pimp "Communication" at least once a class! Talk with your Dominant, Talk with your submissive, Talk with your peers!
***tY*** I suppose I come at this from a slightly different angle than some, I have been slave and submissive
Pirate Russell: Remember, we're all in SL for one thing! FUN, if you're not having fun, or getting what you want from a Scene or Relationship, RE-EVALUATE!!!!!!
***tY*** that is good advice, Miss Pirate
***ML***: yes i completely agree with that!!
Pirate Russell: If you avoid logging in, or HOPE someone'st not on, you're not doing it right!
Pirate Russell: you can be whatever you want to be in SL!
***tY*** but sometimes I am here for the challenge as well, and a challenging situation may not always be fun :)
Pirate Russell: Yes, te, "Fun" is too generic, but you enjoy callenging yourself, yes?
***tY*** yes
Pirate Russell: and challenging yourself, too!
Pirate Russell: Ok, that's in that VERY broad defination of "FUN"
***tY*** and challenging others sometimes as well .. chuckles
***ML***: as a sub is it ok to challenge your domme to see what limits you can find?
Pirate Russell: While you're getting your ass whipped, it may not be fun, but it may be what you're looking for here!
***ZB***: *smiles at Miss ***tY***..Oh, one of THOSe..are you sure I haven;t dommed a few alts of yours?
***tY*** laughs, I am sure you have not, Sir ***ZB***.. I have worn the collar of only one
***RP***: *giggles*
***ZB***: Miss***ML***, I would say yes...a good Master will see that behavior for what it is
Pirate Russell: A good *Mistress* will too, ***ZB***! he he
***tY*** wonders what one of THOSE is..
***ZB***: *bows his agreement...Master/Mistress/Dom/Domme/Signifigant Other/Scary Dude with Whip
***RP*** laughs
Pirate Russell: Or Dudette!
***LA*** laughs!
***IM*** giggles
***ZB***: Challanging Women, Miss ***tY***..I have a weakness for challanging women
***RP***: *giggles*
Pirate Russell: All kidding aside, subbies, you're allowed to enjoy yourself, and Dominants, look out for your submissives!
***ZB***: If she's got the whip, I call her whatecvwer she damn well wants, Miss Russell
***tY*** it might be a fair assessment to say I was somewhat challenging.. *looks over to her sisi*
***CJ***: *laughs*
***CJ***: *somewhat*
***tY*** giggles
***RP***: I tend to find that most "real" Masters like a challenge
***RP***: most don't like it over easy
***RP***: it gets boring kind of like a trophy wife
***RP***: who wants someone with no opinion
***ZB***: I agree Miss ***RP***...if I am going to hunt, I hunt bear, not puppy
Pirate Russell: I collar My girls for their pesonality, we're all pretty, with huge whatevers, and shaven other things. If I want a blowup doll, I'm sure someone makes one here in SL SOMEwhere!
***IM*** laughs
***LA***: hahahah!
***RP*** laughs to the point of tears
Pirate Russell hunts pussy, but that's another show!
***ZB*** sends Miss Russel the LM
***tY*** yes, I have often wondered that, the desire of a dominant is to control, if He/She manages to have "total control" is he or she chopping off his nose to spite his face?
***ML***: oOooo when can we see this show miss?
***RP***: not at all te
***BH*** looks hown a her not do huge parts
Pirate Russell: Come down here for a little bit, ***ML***! he he
***IM*** giggles
***ML***: hehehe..
***RP***: while I am very submissive, it's my nature, I'm not a pushover, I aim to please so that is easy, but I am not a carpenter's dream
***ZB***: Miss ***tY***, a true master would never completely break a girl....a faux master may, but if he does, I expect he will be onto a new girl quite soon, and leave someone else to try and put the broken girl back together
***RP*** agrees
Pirate Russell: Big difference between submissive and doormat is VERY important to Me
***IM***: D/s is a team, not a contest.
***ZB***: The purpose of a MAster, to be is to build a girl up, not break her down
***ZB***: *to me
***IM*** nods to Sir ***ZB***.
Pirate Russell: Exactly there is no "I" in "Team" but there is "Eat Me"
***ZB*** laughs and laughs
***ML***: on my way miss!!
***RP*** loves Mistress Russel's classes
***ML***: so do i rose!
***KC*** nods
***tY*** yes, I wonder if though in reality, some of the zing is gone if the dominant is successful in their quest.. my understanding of them is that the "hunt" or the "journey" is of interest primarilly.. the conclusion, is not so desirable
Pirate Russell HATES them, but is glad to do them for y'all! ;-)
***RP*** smiles
***tY*** and as many people do not have long term D/s relationships in here, that seems to indicate that part of what I say, at least, is true
Pirate Russell: Life, and relastionsips, are a journey, not a destination
***ZB***: *considers...For some you may be right ***tY***. For me, submissives, like all women, are endless mysteries..just when I think I have a firm handle on things, she changes
Pirate Russell: Let's see, I've owned ***BH*** since the end of January, and W/re an old C/couple!
Pirate Russell: er W/we're
***ZB***: My last sub I had collared for 3 years, and we parted as close friends because she needed to seek a different path
***ZB***: we still speak daily
***tY*** that is a considerable amount of time, Sir ***ZB***
Pirate Russell: My wife, I've owned in 3 different Avitars for 3 years, almost
***tY*** that impresses me actually
***RP***: impressive in sl standards to say the least
***ML***: how wonderful!!
***ZB***: to a degree, the length of time was part of the problem..we knew one another too well, I could not effectivelly give her the edge she needed
Pirate Russell: Something I'm proudest of are the RELATIONSHIPS, not the Collars!
Pirate Russell: VERY cool that y'all could realize that and work with it
Pirate Russell: To birng this back.... I'm glad that y'all didn't let the jealousy possible in new relationships, affect your long standing friendship
***ZB***: I love her very much...and wanted to make sure she was getting all she could from things...the things she needed from a master I could no longer give her, so I gave her what a friend could, the right to move on
Pirate Russell: If you love something, set it free, if it doesn't come back, HUNT IT DOWN AND KILL IT!
Pirate Russell: I mean, ...... it wasn't yours to begin with!
***tY*** she had that right all along, though she would have appreciated greatly your understanding of the situation
***RP***: hehe
***ML***: miss pirate is going to bring out the hunter in me yet!
***ZB***: nods...Jealousy was an issue we dealt with a great deal....and strangely, getting past it helped us move on to a new sort of relationship
Pirate Russell: We're hunting wabbits!
***ML***: sqeeks!!! scared of wabbits ;)
***ZB***: I agree Miss ***tY***. but there is a difference between taking a right, and being gifted with a right....it is always yours, but the tone is different
Pirate Russell: Just use your Holy Handgrenade!
***ML***: heheheh
***tY*** yes, I agree with that
Pirate Russell: But yes, ***ZB***, a right and a gift are 2 far different things
Pirate Russell: By ***BH***'s gift of sbumission, I have the RIGHT to whack her in the head if I choose
***RP***: I prefer to gift a right, then it comes from my heart, if someone takes a right, I'm submissive, I may not say anything but the resentment is building and that is not good for either
***ML***: ouch poor ***BH***!
***ZB***: well, whacking tends to take precedence over most things
Pirate Russell: I said I have the RIGHT, not the desire!
***tY*** the girl always has the right to leave.. as it is about 'safe, sane and consentual".. though she will always appreciate the dominant's understanding of the issue
***IM***: And the right to communicate what is working and what is not.
***tY*** yes ibrew
Pirate Russell: I's not even a gift or right, in My Family, it's an Rule, " Rule 1b) Since this is a game, if you're not having fun, tell Me, we'll do something else, or we'll play separately for a while, or for good. But please TELL ME!"
***tY*** though "this is a game" suggests that one is merely RPing or pretending, surely?
***BH*** tries not whimper thinking about hand grenades and whacks in the head
***ZB***: somes games are quite serious...
***ZB***: When work is play for mortal stakes....
Pirate Russell: Yes, and no, Yes, most of RP whipping of asses, but no, the releationships in SL are not a game for Me.
***tY*** I think of sl as a game, but what happens here between people, isn't
Pirate Russell: And I'm only a Cyber Domme, I don't get to strip girls and whip asses in RL
***ML***: its pixels with real people behind it searching for what they lack in rl!
***ZB***: the cartoon with an animated penis is a game..the emotions and the thoughts behind said cartoon with an animated penis..are no game.
***RP***: communication is important in finding out the other person's motivations because you could end up emotionally damaged rl if you are giving of yourself and building a "relationship" and it is just merely part of the other's "game"
***IM***: Ask any professional athlete about their "game"
***TH***: Nods
Pirate Russell: Thanks for saying My WORD, Rosetta!
***RP***: *giggles*
***tY*** I have seen a lot of emotional or psychological damage in SL.. because people treat whatever happens here as a game, instead of realizing that SL is the game.. what people do here isn't
Pirate Russell: yes, I have had some 'friends' that were not invested in releationships here, and some that have married in SL to a partner that was playing, when they weren't
***RP***: it's sad
***ML***: aww
Pirate Russell: But the FRIENDS I talk to, really.......... wait for it.......... Communicate with, we know that the friendships are real, though all they'll ever see of Me is this little Cartoon
***ZB***: well, cartoons are powerful..don;t even get me started on the attachment of meaning to symbols
***ML***: yes !! everyone must remember behind ever avi is a real person behind there! i enjoy my friends i have here and wouldnt change a thing about them
Pirate Russell: Well, I think we need to end before ***ZB*** becomes a Zealot on that subject
***RP***: I'd always said in my next life I'd come back to a realm where men had babies, I'd do 100 of em a day give em the wrong name impregnate them then leave, LOL, but I don't dare do that here, because I treat people the way I want to be treated
***ML***: lol
***ML***: wow .. what a visualization!
***ZB***: 100 a day....?
***ZB*** swallows hard
***RP*** nods, this one does have a deep seeded hatred for men at times
***RP*** smiles
***RP***: but I'm a sweetheart
***TH***: : nods;
Pirate Russell: No you wouldn't , if men had babies, we'd already be EXTINCT!
***ZB***: Just thinking of 100 a day makes my back hurt
***ML***: hehehe
***IM*** giggles
***RP***: true Mistress Russell, very true
Pirate Russell: And on that note...... CLASS DISMISSED!
2008/08/19 8:18