D/s and the single submissive

Zealot Benmergui: Welcome A/all to the House of V’s College of Kink. My name is Zealot Benmergui, Baron BardHaven and I will be your host today. The topic for today is Flying Solo, Sex and the Single Dom/sub and we will be looking a little bit at the D/s lifestyle as it affects the single person as opposed to couples or groups, while also discussing how a submissive can grow and advance without a Dominant to call their own. Next week, we will look a little more specifically at life as a single Dominant, however, the experiences of single subs is quite relevant to Doms as well. Please note that for the purpose of clarity, I will tend to use “she” to refer to a submissive, but a submissive can be of any gender.
***ML***: hello tiff
Zealot Benmergui: damn but I must type fast...
***ML***: watches the smoke plum from sirs fingers as he types
Zealot Benmergui: First of all, consider some of the stereotypes we are used to hearing from the mainstream world. Such nonsense can be heard from family and friends, seen on network television (CSI…shudder), condoned by Dr. Phil and his popsychsucking ilk. For example…”D/s is domestic abuse in silly clothing” or “D/s is practiced by women with no self esteem and overweight, middle aged accountants in leather hoods who like saying “Suck it, bitch”.
Zealot Benmergui: We have all heard all of that and worse..and it can really confuse of upset anyone who is curious about D/s, but doesn't really know much about it. It is that kind of confusion that people like us need to combat.
Zealot Benmergui: People who make such statements are usually easy to refute, or at least to shut up with a good flogging. More difficult are some of the misconceptions that one can hear within the lifestyle itself. Things like “You aren’t really a sub unless you are part of a D/s relationship.” Statements like this are a little harder to push away as being uninformed or idiotic, but can do just as much damage. Therefore, let’s take a look at such concepts for a little while, and what lays behind them.
Zealot Benmergui: First and foremost we need to consider exactly what I mean when I refer to a single sub. The term may not be universal.
Zealot Benmergui: So what IS a Single sub? Is such a thing possible? Isn’t a sub defined by submission to her Dominant? Certainly the role of a Dom is important in the life of a submissive, is it essential? No, certainly not. Submission, like any profound life choice, begins within yourself. To say that a Dominant is essential to being submissive is like saying if you die a virgin, you aren’t REALLY heterosexual you just like to call yourself one at ACT UP rallies…or to mix a less sexual but equally objectionable metaphor, if you never cut yourself, you aren’t REALLY a hemophiliac, just some kind of…a hemoposeur or something.
***TN*** nods
Zealot Benmergui: A lot of damage can be done by assumptions, and partial information.
Zealot Benmergui: In order to understand a little more about the challenges that may facea single submissive, we first need to put to bed the idea that submission is always a sexual attitude (pun intended). It is true that often submission is expressed sexually, but it is certainly not the only way for it to find its voice. Submission, like Domination, is a lifestyle choice that may be second nature to a person, but such lifestyles must still be chosen and nurtured. While a Dominant or a teacher of some kind may help in that process, the real heavy lifting must be done in the soul and psyche of the individual.
Zealot Benmergui: As anyone who is experienced in the lifestyle knows, submission can be expressed by the way she pours coffee, or enters a room full of strangers, just as effectively as it can in the bedroom or the club.
Pirate Russell: MORE SO!
Zealot Benmergui: All of this comes from her awareness of herself, and her comfort with and understanding of who she is.
Zealot Benmergui: In fact, some people may mistake her for being dominant in that situation...because what they are seeing is confidence., Coinfidence in who she is and what she wants inher life.
***TN***: How does that relate to a submissive in SL for example that says she only shows her submissiveness in a private setting or isn't submissive to everyone she meets?
Zealot Benmergui: That is the true goal of any self-discovery, and one that I know many people have found through accepting their submissive natures...with out any need for a dominant to be attached to. They may wish one, one may be helpful, one may complete them...but to quote St. Exupery..what is essential is invisable to the eye.
***TN***: I see this all the time in people's profiles and such.
Zealot Benmergui: nods...a very good question
Zealot Benmergui: submission can be shown through kneeling, true,,,but in many cases, it is an attitude, and openess, a level of respect for others and herself
Zealot Benmergui: In non-lifestyle environments, you will often find that submissive are in roles of peacemakers, or facilitators...due to the fact they seem to get along with everyone
***TN*** nods
***TN***: yes, that makes sense Sir
Zealot Benmergui: *smiles to Miss ***TN***
Zealot Benmergui: So do I mean by all this, just as the profiles of more intelligent Dominants will say that a good Dominant must first dominate or control himself, a submissive must first submit to themselves? Exactly. Consider another way to say submit. Accept. First and foremost, a submissive must accept their nature, must embrace the fact that they prefer to be submissive in some areas of their lives. That is not always an easy thing for a person to accept in our modern world. These days, we are all expected to be ambitious go-getters, the coffee generation. To say you would prefer to put control in the hands of another is a sort of sacrilege.
Zealot Benmergui: Women have come a long way in our society, but in some ways, that progress has restricted their roles, not just expanded them.
Zealot Benmergui: And that goes double or triple for submissive men.
***WR*** nods
***TN*** nods, Yes. Feminism makes it very hard for us.
Zealot Benmergui: Men are even more confined by the masculine persona...we may be more sensitive then our counterparts 50 years ago, but submission is still not an option in male society
Zealot Benmergui: I would consider myself, and have delcared myself a feminist, Miss ***TN***...but for me, that means a woman can CHOOSE how she wises to live herlife
Zealot Benmergui: I don;t feel anyone has a right to declare she should be barefoot and pregnant, nor that she must be a CEO or a truck driver.
***TN***: I would have to agree but most people in society I think puts us at one end of the spectrum or the other. There is s alot of criticism in our decisions.
Zealot Benmergui: Someone, being submissive fell through the cracks of women's rights for some people
Zealot Benmergui: I agree completely Miss ***TN***
Zealot Benmergui: To a great degree, all of this is a fallacy of the modern world that our ancestors were much wiser about. While there were certainly powerful women in previous generation, odds are that for those of us who are properly aged, our mothers were submissive and never thought to state it…and certainly most of our grandmothers were. In previous generations, submission was an accepted part of marriage, relationships, indeed of everyday life. Consider a well known poem that can still be found inscribed on collector’s plates and decoupage collages…God grant me the serenity to ACCEPT the things I cannot change. Of course in this poem the author was referring to Jesus, not their Dom, but the concept is much the same. Now I bet a few of you pull a John Lennon on me, and tell Miss Vv I said Jesus was a middle aged accountant in a leather hood saying Suck it, bitch…”
sexy Andree is Online
***TN*** laughs
***ML*** giggles
Zealot Benmergui: So how does one come to accept one’s submissive nature in the modern world? Well, for some it can be done through self-critique and examination, others research the topic and read all they can, others watch and observe other people. There are as many paths to submission as there are submissives, so for the purpose of this class we can assume that the submissive knows her nature, or at least thinks that she does, and is ready to see how it will change her world. Well, SL is a wonderful place for that, as it is for any kind of self-exploration or experimentation.
Pirate Russell: That's why the older marriage ceremonies say "Man and wife", not "Husband and Wife"
Zealot Benmergui: *nods..exactly
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Zealot Benmergui: So should a new submissive, following popular wisdom, accept the commands of the first leather clad, mullet haired troglodyte that says “Hey, u do what i tel you cause I a dominant, yokay?”? Perhaps she should cover herself in beef gravy and put up a tag that says “Nube subbie…Come getz it boyz”? In a word…no (bet you didn’t see that one coming). What can she do, as a lone submissive, to make the most of her time?
Zealot Benmergui: Now, any recommendations I can make lack the key fact tha..well...I have never been a lone submissive.
Zealot Benmergui: But from my observations, these are what seem right to me...but I will hope for some aid from the class afterwards.
Zealot Benmergui: First and foremost, she needs to bide her time and do nothing rashly. There is no rush, despite what she, or a possible master, may thing. Secondly. she needs to observe, everyone and everything. The best way to learn is by example. She should choose one or two other submissives that she respects or admires, and try to emulate them when she can. She should ask them if they would mind her asking them questions…odds are they will be flattered. She should also observe any Dominants that she thinks seem worthy and how they respond to submissives, so she can get a good idea of what she likes and doesn’t like in a Dominant, and what expectations are reasonable.
***TN***: And further her knowledge in D/s discussion at House of V *wink*
Zealot Benmergui: In my opinion, she should also take the opportunity to explore. Play. Try new things, things she has never done before, things which she may have assumed she would not like. The more she learns now, the happier she will be when/if she does meet a Dominant she wishes to devote herself to. Knowledge is power, whether you are submissive or Dominant.
Zealot Benmergui: *grins...that goes without saying, Miss ***TN***
***TN***: But of course Sir
Zealot Benmergui: So is a person a true submissive without a Dominant, in my opinion they certainly are, as long as they are on their own journey of discovery. Their nature and their destiny, whatever that may be, is defined by themselves alone, and not anyone else…until they choose to include someone else in that journey. I now open this to the floor, subs and Doms alike…since this is where all of you can teach far better then I. What ideas and suggestions do you all have, from your experience, for the single submissive.
Zealot Benmergui: Feel free to hurl things
Pirate Russell: I so totally agree with PATIENCE!
***TN***: I think it's important to immerse yourself with other subs, whether they are in a relationship or not. It helps, like you said, to have someone else to talk to and ask questions.
Zealot Benmergui: *nods...a rush to collaring is always a key problem for new submissive, or Dominants for that matter
Pirate Russell: I have a frind, she comest to My classes, who jumped in the wrong releationship. She's out now and in a WONDERFUL one!
***TN***: I have to agree completely Miss Russell...I actually just recently put something in my profile about patience.
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Pirate Russell: I ended up collaring her Myself, and told her that she coudlnt' go to another, unless I approved! LOL
Zealot Benmergui: I have found that just about every sub I know starts out with one bad relationship...almost no one hits a good one, first off
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***JN***: How do you play casually as a submissive, yet not submit enough that...its too much?
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Pirate Russell: C'mere, ***JN***, I'll show ya!
Pirate Russell: He he
***GH***: *GIGGLES* :)~~~~
Zealot Benmergui: Basically, she needs to make clear to the Dom, and herself, this is a one off
Pirate Russell: Yes, when you talk limits, talk length, too!
Zealot Benmergui: two points on that...first one is regarding what Pirate said...Doms acting as protectors for new subs is a wonderful thing, and can be very very helpful
Zealot Benmergui: secondly, the new program of house slaves here at V, also a good way to gain experience, without hopefully gaining a stalker
***TN*** laughs
***TN***: Welcome back Mercy :)
Zealot Benmergui: also, come to Member's Day, flirt it up, get a few different Doms to claim you...enjoy the 30 mkinutes, learn from them.
***ML***: ty tiff mmuah
Pirate Russell: Also Stonehaven and Bondage Rance trips with your keys in your cuffs is a pretty good sign you wanna play
Zealot Benmergui: Welcome back dear
***TN*** 'muahs' back
Zealot Benmergui: nods...there are lots of ways to play...and if you are worried, treat it like real life
Pirate Russell: And Bondage RancH trips
***TN*** isn't that brave to wander around with keys in her cuffs, lol
Zealot Benmergui: tell a friend where you are going to play...and if you need to have a Master you can call on for a rescue
Zealot Benmergui: few idiots will hang around to grief you if a master or Mistress barges in going "You SLUT, who is this MAN????"
Pirate Russell: Consider it like 'dating' D/s style. You'd not marry the first man you see after one night!
***GH***: myself im not that comfy going around playing with Doms i dont know,,,
Zealot Benmergui: nods..understandable
Pirate Russell: likes that in gracie ;-)
Zealot Benmergui: as you met Doms you like, and trust..don;t be shy to ask if they would Dom you for a session, even non-sexually...
Zealot Benmergui: just set the rules in advance
Pirate Russell: ESPECIALLY non sexually, that will weed out the 'pigs'
***TN*** nods
Zealot Benmergui: and make clear you are learning, and this is not a clever way to beg a collar
***GH***: as a sub how can i go to a dom and set rules,,i mean,,,eeeeek
Zealot Benmergui: Miss ***GH***, the sorts of Doms you want, are not assholes
***TN***: That's a good point Pirate....most seem to think D/s is entirely sexual
Pirate Russell: Yes, grace, ultimately it's your body, SL or RL!
Zealot Benmergui: talk to them as people..tell them what you are looking for
***GH*** nods
Zealot Benmergui: most will aprrtiate your honesty
Pirate Russell: gracie, have I told you the dirty little Online D/s Secret?
***GH***: yes Miss,girl believes you did
Pirate Russell: subbys have ALL the power, you can say, "#$^% YOU!", take off the collar, mute them, and go on!
***TN*** laughs
***TN***: It's true
Pirate Russell: Not one intercoursing thing I can do about it!
Zealot Benmergui: nods...nothing looks sadder then a master standing in the club whining about the sub who dumped him
***GH***: *GIGGLES* :)~~~~
Pirate Russell: And it happens 3 nights a week at HoV!
***GH***: haha
Zealot Benmergui: and they ALWAYS assume they will get sympathy for it
Zealot Benmergui: usually all that happens is the sub in questions gets a few dozen "Hey girl..." IMs
***ML*** giggles
Pirate Russell: Mostly from the "Good" Dominants
Zealot Benmergui: nods...a good dominant looks for a girl with spirit, with a sense of what she wants, and needs
Zealot Benmergui: in short, they are looking for submissive WOMEN
Zealot Benmergui: we jusr say girl because calling her Woman makes us sound like Animal
Pirate Russell: There is one other thing subbys NEED to know anud understand! SL is here for FUN, how you get your fun is different than My fun! But you are allowed to enjoy ANYthing you do!
Zealot Benmergui: absolutely...I have had many news subs come to me telling me how miserable their master is making them...
Pirate Russell: There are pain-whores, and cuddle-sluts, and EVERYthing in between!
Zealot Benmergui: often because they aren;t making themselves clear to him, and he doesn;t know any better
***ML*** giggles at Miss Pirate..
Pirate Russell: If you dont' want to log on, or you're afraid your Dominant is already on, something has gone WAY wrong
***GH*** nods
Zealot Benmergui: most common wrong statement from a new sub is "But he's my Dom...he MUST know what it should be like..."
***TN*** nods
Pirate Russell: uh oh, My *WORD* is coming, ***ML***, you know what I'm gonna say!
Zealot Benmergui: there is nothing wrong with a submissive staying single...
***ML***: OoOo communication!
Pirate Russell: That's My girl!
Zealot Benmergui: look around the club, on any given day...half of the regular s who are subs, are single..and enjoying themselves
Zealot Benmergui: same is true for the Doms, which I will discuss later...size doesn;t matter, not of penis, and not of slave chain
Zealot Benmergui: later being next week
***GH***: omy
***TN***: I suppose that's with any type of lifestyle. If you are single but seeking a vanilla relationship, it's best to not sulk around the house all depressed over it.
Zealot Benmergui: exactly
***TN***: You aren't going to get anywhere being a single hermit submissive :P
Zealot Benmergui: well, youmight get a lot of reading done
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Zealot Benmergui: and become very close friends with your dolphin
***TN*** laughs
***GH***: haha
***GH***: howd you know it was a dolphin,lmao
Pirate Russell: Or play a lot of SL!
Pirate Russell: I told him, gracie
***GH***: oh
Pirate Russell: LOL
***GH*** blushes
Zealot Benmergui: *smiles at Miss ***GH***...I read alot?
***ML*** usually my IM's .. giggles
***ML***: jk ;)
***GH*** hides her face
Zealot Benmergui: well, that is the close of the formal class, per se, but we can continue the discussion as long as desire or interest holds...
Zealot Benmergui: thank you for coming, I hope it was helpful..and as I said, next week we will discuss being a new Dom, and the challanges that invovles
***TN***: Thank you Sir for the lecture. This is my first. I'm going to be coming along with ***ML*** :)
***ML***: can't wait for that discussion
***GH***: Thank you Sir Zealot,awesome class